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Post by alexandra on May 2, 2024 19:08:44 GMT
It feels terrible that I am being let go for another AP, which was exactly my fear to begin with. Again, I don't know that this was really a fear. I think it was your intuition about who he is and where he's at being spot on. Take it as another example of how you can trust yourself! |
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2024 19:49:52 GMT
Had a very bittersweet conversation. Painful but good. I felt better but also very sad. He simply said after 2 months he felt like he should feel more, but he doesn't and he didn't want to waste my time. He said part of this is trying to honor that I am dating to find a partner and he doesn't want to waste my time if he can't get there. But also he is scared because he knows his feelings disappear sometimes and he is truly worried that in three months he'll want me back and I'll be gone. He apologized a lot for going about this the wrong way. But then we just chatted and hung out and he said I was his best friend and as hard as it is to tell me the truth, I am by far the person in his life he is the most honest and open with. I wanted to smack him. Smack him because I am not crazy and I KNOW there are true and real feelings there. It was odd, but this was by far the best time we have had hanging out in awhile. I wish we had just been this free and open around each other before. and not triggering each other back and forth. It also confirms that my picker is getting better. I've dated a lot of men that I wouldn't want to be friends with, and in another life, we would have been friends. It feels easier now, he "released" me. He made his decision, he wants to see if he feels more for someone else. He has already picked another AP to fill this gap. I really wish he was at least dating someone amazing. It feels terrible that I am being let go for another AP, which was exactly my fear to begin with. But he did listen and said he is going to slow things down with her, he doesn't need to rush in. He did consider what I said that starting something with her, while with me, right after his ex... was not how you go about things. To spend sometime alone and in therapy. edit: As a typical FA he asked me to stay. He said he isn't going to sleep with either of us right now, which honestly surprised me. He was actually not planning on seeing her for a week so he could sort through his feelings, but then she was being super clingy and he felt guilty and hung out with her (off to a great start eh?). So that was his compromise. I did say I was thinking about dating again and he said he wants to know. And then part of me feels he lost that privilege. The whole keep me close but not that close. So I am going to sit with those feelings for a bit. I don't actually want to jump on any dating apps but I bet it feels "safer" for him to "have me" in this way and that feels bad for me. I don't think he deserves it. I know this is painful. But this is the epitome of an insecure cluster fuck. The drama of this two month fiasco will either end when you END IT or continue ad infinitum. For the love of whatever and all that is holy, please stop engaging with this immature lump, don't give him an ear to talk about his stupid messed up wushy washy pathetic dating life with this other woman. Dear holy baby Jesus just make this stop. Ok, I mean do whatever works for you I had a moment after we reading about how he's going blah blah blah about his inane dating life. Step back and think about what you would say to a friend in your position. That friend is sharing what you shared above, down to he's gonna take a week to figure out his feelings and his disclosures about this other woman. Grab your self respect and CUT. HIM. OFF. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 2, 2024 21:15:03 GMT
We started with closure and lack of feelings for me, and then I was like yep, okay. I am just going to enjoy the rest of this time together. Then it felt just like friends and my brain went into friend mode. In the moment it didn't feel bad. Maybe it was being poly in the past, and talking about partners openly.
And then before I knew it, we were joking around and banter and flirty touching, then I didn't get pulled back to reality until he said he wanted to keep me in his life and his compromise and my brain was like oh, yeah.... that. I left with the weirdest mixed feelings one could have about the entire thing. And then my survival mechanism of needing to stay attached kicks in and out it goes. Out goes all the bad things.
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Post by mrob on May 2, 2024 23:58:45 GMT
Of course he knows he should be feeling more. I think that reflects where you are up to in your process. I’d say you’re not triggering enough for him. The “spark” (attachment trigger) isn’t strong enough. As hard as it is, I reckon that’s a good thing and shows personal progress.
I’ve been there. I’ve been with somebody who was perfect on paper. Lovely person and should have really worked. It did to an extent, but no attachment triggering. No excitement. He’s then gone in search of excitement and has found it in the only place he can, another AP. Leaving the back door open is text book FA as well. Too close, too far.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2024 12:14:54 GMT
We started with closure and lack of feelings for me, and then I was like yep, okay. I am just going to enjoy the rest of this time together. Then it felt just like friends and my brain went into friend mode. In the moment it didn't feel bad. Maybe it was being poly in the past, and talking about partners openly. And then before I knew it, we were joking around and banter and flirty touching, then I didn't get pulled back to reality until he said he wanted to keep me in his life and his compromise and my brain was like oh, yeah.... that. I left with the weirdest mixed feelings one could have about the entire thing. And then my survival mechanism of needing to stay attached kicks in and out it goes. Out goes all the bad things. Could it be just shock and denial because you had gotten comfortably uncomfortable and insecurely attached to this guy who showed red flags from the start? And of course you know the difference between being responsibly poly ,talking openly about other partners... and dating where you hope for exclusivity. And then you hope to define the relationship, but instead the dishonest man you are dating (and making excuses for) schedules a date with another woman on your date night and beats around the bush to cancel with you. You give him the benefit of the doubt and misunderstand his scheduling issues as people pleasing, his reluctance to tell you as a relic of his torturous past with partners who never care about how stressed he is when he doesn't follow through. 😪 It's so stressful for him!😪😪😪 He needs some understanding and to learn how to not be so afraid of conflict, poor thing!!! 😪🤧😪 Don't get any of this twisted. He manipulated you, he was shocked by your gracious attitude while he was literally canceling with you to date another woman knowing that you are looking for exclusivity. You're not his best friend in 2 months. You're someone who has tolerated his self absorbed pity party about dating insecure women, you let him make it all about him and his poor little misunderstood insecure self. You ignored his red flags because you relate to them. So he was able to help you feel bad for having boundaries, due to your own inability to trust yourself. So yeah, not best friends. Enablers of dysfunctional relating at best. It's ok to get it wrong in dating. It is. But you get to decide how deep you bury yourself in the shit after you discover that things weren't what you hoped for. Not AT ALL what you're looking for, and you know it. We all keep going until it hurts too much do to so. You get to choose how far you go with these shenanigans. There will be consequences for whatever you choose. It sucks but it's so real, this stuff is nothing to play with. Learning how to do the right thing by YOU instead of trying to do the right thing by some pathetic other person who didn't play it straight with you, will ultimately set you free from this. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 3, 2024 16:22:12 GMT
When you put it that way. A lot to digest
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2024 16:43:49 GMT
When you put it that way. A lot to digest Maybe rose colored glasses had you giving him the benefit of the doubt because you fell for him? Because isn't this essentially what happened? It is from my view, regardless of any intentions he may or may not have had,he handled this whole thing like a very immature, selfish and manipulative person. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 3, 2024 23:21:07 GMT
People can be such a mirror, a bit crazy. Because now I was forced to examine how I STILL invite drama and chaos into my life, even outside of this.
So I did something I never thought I would do, ever. I willingly closed a door. Not the one I need to close, but one I left open for far too long. My counsellor told me Mr. Situationship is my emotional escape hatch. Ironically we've been in touch on and off this week, because I felt so insecure I ran to him for validation. He wanted to see me again, and I told him the truth, that the fact this will never progress to anything more is not healthy for me. I am using it as a crutch and I need to walk away for my own sanity.
It was insane how good it felt.
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Post by cherrycola on May 3, 2024 23:59:46 GMT
On further reflection, this situation mirrors Mr. AP. When I met Mr. AP he wasn't over his ex, fresh out of a breakup. Dating other women. Uncomfortable with my lack of reactivity and drama. Uncomfortable with the fact I wouldn't "chase" him and let him set the pace. Swore up and down he would never want me, that we would never have a relationship. To falling in love with me, swearing off being poly and asking me to marry him. Yet something about that relationship felt VERY different, it felt much much safer to let him set the pace. Maybe just that he was a predominantly anxious FA, so I saw the "game" he was playing and was able to manipulate it. I can't see the strings here, so I got anxious and went into my own anxious space. I was also a lot younger, and felt like I had more time to just experiment and play around. Now it's like okay, game playing is done. A LOT of pain and two more years of therapy under my belt... I think I want an actual relationship now. With an adult.
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Post by lovebunny on May 4, 2024 13:16:40 GMT
I keep thinking about often I used to commit emotional infidelity with my long term partner. How my feelings (even now) come and go and I have to cognitively hold onto them. He was actually shocked to hear me say this, because he said he goes through something similar when he isn't around me, and then when he is with me he really enjoys my company. I think people who don't experience this type of lack of object constancy can truly understand what it's like. It's not something I EVER share with people I date, because how scary would it be to hear your date say oh yeah I am so emotionally scared I can't hold onto my feelings for you like a normal person and will fall in and out of love with you many many times a day and if we get into a fight I may actually lose all feelings completely until we repair. Oof, yep. This resonated with me. |
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2024 14:44:42 GMT
On further reflection, this situation mirrors Mr. AP. When I met Mr. AP he wasn't over his ex, fresh out of a breakup. Dating other women. Uncomfortable with my lack of reactivity and drama. Uncomfortable with the fact I wouldn't "chase" him and let him set the pace. Swore up and down he would never want me, that we would never have a relationship. To falling in love with me, swearing off being poly and asking me to marry him. Yet something about that relationship felt VERY different, it felt much much safer to let him set the pace. Maybe just that he was a predominantly anxious FA, so I saw the "game" he was playing and was able to manipulate it. I can't see the strings here, so I got anxious and went into my own anxious space. I was also a lot younger, and felt like I had more time to just experiment and play around. Now it's like okay, game playing is done. A LOT of pain and two more years of therapy under my belt... I think I want an actual relationship now. With an adult. You're making a ton of progress. I think of it like this... I'm an adult. I know what I want, after a long period of trial and error and fucking around to find out. When I'm honest, I know what I want and what I don't. It's not that hard, when you stop making excuses for immature, insecure behavior. It doesn't matter why someone can't tell me the truth. No reason to find excuses, make concessions, or make it all about me. It doesn't matter why someone can't do what they say they are gonna do. It doesn't matter why someone is so stressed in relationship that they can't treat me with courtesy, love or respect. It doesn't matter why someone can't be consistent, or why they don't have boundaries. I can be empathetic, sympathetic, understanding or whatever while still not joining with it and letting it become the dynamic in my life, controlling my relationship. I can care, feel sorry for, whatever... without accepting it for MY RELATIONSHIP. That means, if you haven't got the basics down, we are NOT A MATCH. I don't hate you, but I don't want to be close to you either. I don't judge you, but I don't live my life that way so YOU DO YOU, Over There. I wish you well on your journey! If you want to get to a comfortable, cozy space, and it's at the end of the hall, you don't go into every open door along the way to explore and sit around in the closet, the bathroom, the utility room, the garage. You just don't go hang out in rooms that aren't the room you want to get to. Same with relationships. If the relationship is NOT the one you're looking for, because of A, B, C and on to Z, don't spend your time there. You close the door and keep walking. You don't have to explain to the broom closet why you'd rather sit in the den, on a cozy couch with a blanket and some tea. You just acknowledge (TO YOURSELF, because the broom closet *knows* its a broom closet) that you're looking at a broom closet, back out, close the door. Maybe practice saying something out loud to yourself until you're ready to say it out loud to the broom closet of a guy you've been dating... "This isn't what I'm looking for, so I'd like to close the door and move on. I wish you the very best in your (broom closet) dating endeavors! Take care." And then leave him to make his own choices in his broom closet of a life. You don't belong there and it's none of your business. You do you. And if you know what you want DO NOT SETTLE. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 6, 2024 1:31:04 GMT
Things are over.
He asked for friendship, I asked for space.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2024 12:59:19 GMT
Things are over. He asked for friendship, I asked for space. The dating world is full of gross,painful turns like this, it's not just you so don't take it as rejection. He hasn't committed to much of anything but his own fucked up way of doing life from the sounds of it and that's a him problem, not a you problem. Hopefully you can affirm some of your gut feelings along the way, the ones you dismissed because you were not sure of yourself. Give yourself some credit, and try to grow your faith in your ability to decide what is right for you. I've had so many painful experiences that taught me little by little how to live aligned with my own values, and how to choose relationships that fit into that. |
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Post by alexandra on May 6, 2024 17:57:06 GMT
I saw your post before you edited it. I agree with @introverttemporary. Write this off as he has no clue how to deal with his lack of object permanence combined with his lack of identity (he's defining himself entirely externally, by what he interprets pop culture and society say is best for masculinity). Nothing to do with you. The best learnings are you could trust your instincts the whole time, and you're getting practice walking away and choosing not to abandon yourself when you see there's chaos brewing. Both are valuable. I'd say I'm sorry it didn't work out, but you don't need his nonsense, so I'm not. But I am sorry you're feeling hurt by his emotional carelessness. As mrob says, he really told on himself once you got to know him better. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 8, 2024 20:47:06 GMT
Lots of valuable insights learned. Had some great chats with friends about my dating approach. The best was someone who actually dated me who said the "Cherrycola I was hoping to date, was not the Cherrycola I got to know as a friend after" Because I came across 100% self assured, etc. The general consensus I get is, I have very high walls but they are very crumbly. I project a VERY put together person who won't tolerate crap from others. But that is bravado and a defense mechanism, I am actually over compensating by pointing to my walls and going high, danger, do not attempt... But beneath that I am too accepting. So I think some blending needs to occur. So maybe I need to bring down the walls a bit and let people see my flaws, but also be less accepting of wishy washyness.
At the very least the next time a guy drops something on me in early dating, I need to excuse myself and take some space and actually consider it, not just go barreling ahead. Because to not do so, signals complete acceptance. I also realized the next time a man starts to overshare, don't be flattered, be turned off.
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