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Post by usernametaken on Jan 3, 2023 19:55:42 GMT
Thanks all for the replies. I took sometime to regroup after reading them. I did put myself here and while I have learned so much about myself there is a tipping point where it turns into self flaggulation.
Overall I had a good holiday which considering my feelings around Christmas amazed even me.
I observed our dynamic of him being wishy-washy/indecisive and me jumping in and making decisions so I just let myself be uncomfortable while he sorted out what he wanted and most times he did.
I also observed that I keep making too many bids for attention/affection out of insecurity. when I stepped back it was so uncomfortable but he didn't take long to make his own bids.
On the way home there were many arguments. So many things came up that he had been holding onto. He said I am everything he set out to find when dating this time. He enjoys my company and his brain loves me but his heart wants to be head over heels and without that, he isn't sure that he can give me what I want. He credited me for being clear and consistent in the type of relationship I want. For the first time I truly understand his guilt.
He admitted that maybe it is drama and uncertainty that is missing but he doesn't know if he can live without that. He also admitted that he may be too afraid to have a child.
It felt very validating but also very sad. The old me before therapy could have offered him drama but I just don't have much of that left in me anymore. I think I also relate to him a lot because I kept infusing drama into my 17 year relationship and when things were calm I would find ways to blow it up. I needed drama or else something felt like it was "missing".
We talked about our power struggle and how it prevented us from ever having a honeymoon stage. I think it gave us both a lot to think about. But like true insecures nothing was resolved. I was however impressed when the morning I went to leave him I was anxious and he quickly clued in and said out loud "oh you are looking for reassurance" and he squeezed my hand and it was like the needle is moving ... But I'm not sure it is enough at this point.
Edit: I also realized that in the name of being mature and calm I have been holding my punches. Instead of letting out my healthy anger I've been walking away or tempering it down instead of clearly articulating I'm upset. Whenever I express a healthy anger he has reacted well to it, so it's my own fear of conflict coming out there.
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Post by usernametaken on Jan 3, 2023 20:48:01 GMT
Ironically, while out with Mr. AP I ran into Mr. Situationship on a date at a bar. His date actually approached me and struck up a conversation but he didn't acknowledge my presence. Not wanting to ruin his date or anything I sent him a friendly Merry Christmas text. He replied with a joke and when I joked back he said he was blocking me. So odd ending to that story.
I also got a date out of this. The girl was asking for my number was doing so for a guy who I had been chatting with briefly. We've been texting and have a date arranged.
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Post by usernametaken on Feb 8, 2023 23:12:25 GMT
Had a bomb dropped on me recently and still trying to explore my reaction. Ex-husband got engaged, which I have been nothing but supportive of but I made the assumption I was invited to the wedding and apparently I am not. I am so deeply hurt yet part of me feels I have no right to be? Like I get it, he is my ex, and he even said "exes don't attend weddings" but we have known each other our entire adult lives and I have worked so hard to have a mature and supportive friendship with him after we split.
He also told me I wasn't happy enough for them because I had asked to hear about the engagement the next time I saw him since I was still trying to process the not invited part, and I felt like this was a healthy boundary to set but he took it as me being unsupportive.
It feels unfair to now be shut out of his life. The thing I think that gets me is this doesn't feel like him. She has turned down my offers to meet me repeatedly so I'm left feeling like this is her decision and I don't matter enough for him to fight for me to be there. His own family has been flakey about attending so it'll mostly be her side. I know this is just my story, him not inviting me doesn't necessarily reflect his feelings for me, and love is not tit for tat.. but yeah, I cried a lot. More than I felt I "should" be crying over an ex.
I guess it's also this feeling of we were engaged but never got married but just started to refer to each other as husband and wife and there is some regret there that I never married him.
I think this also rubs me under the society says things are just this way which really touches on my I don't fit in button. My ADHD means I am fairly obtuse when it comes to societal expectations, but over time I've learned to embrace and like that part of me. I don't get embarrassed over things my friends do and I think they appreciate that about me. My ex however was always very "by the book", we even had a few fights about differing views on social norms when we tried to plan our wedding. So it's like yeah just another way I don't fit into society, that I see nothing wrong with inviting an ex partner to a wedding but apparently he does.
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Post by sunrisequest on Feb 11, 2023 10:57:25 GMT
I can understand the emotions that you are describing here. There's probably a few levels to your feelings, but I think it's quite simple really, not being invited to the wedding feels like a rejection from someone you care about and have a connection with. That's disappointing. And it's probably just pinged at some old feelings of regret and sadness that your relationship with him came to an end. That all seems very understandable.
As you've quite rightly said, it's just a story in your head about what it means, because it just sounds like he's trying to do the easy thing, or the thing that is right for his new partner... which I guess is as it should be... but it most likely doesn't reflect how he feels about you.
I'm on really good terms with my ex, and he's yet to partner with anyone, but even though I have zero romantic feelings or attachment to him, I still have some feelings of sadness that it had to end. I know that I'd also feel yuck if he didn't invite me to his wedding, given how friendly we are in normal life. I identify with you about the lack of convention... my ex and I have done family holidays and spend more time together than most other separated couples I know... I'm wanting this less and less as time goes on and our children are getting a bit older, but I see him as a friend/family and would personally would want him there if I ever got re-married... and would prefer to be involved if he did as well... but I do feel we are in the minority with this one. So I hear you on all counts here.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 11, 2023 19:05:47 GMT
This is a tricky thing. Many, many people are really threatened by exes and by friendships with exes, even if they are long platonic. For a lot of people, especially from areas that culturally push the idea that men and women can't be just friends, it's not normalized at all and the belief that an ex always is a threat is what's normalized. So it's very likely she's not okay with it and put her foot down, and really, that's okay. She is allowed to feel strongly about it and it's her wedding, and it isn't personally about who you actually are at all because she doesn't know you. People need to choose their battles, and him not inviting you doesn't mean you're not important enough to him. It means he wants to marry her, that's all, and that has nothing to do with you either.
I've had exes attend my wedding and I have attended exes's weddings. I've also had far more exes, even ones I was still on good terms with, who I didn't even tell I got married (not hiding it, just didn't go out of my way to talk to them about it because we're not that close). People have all sorts of opinions on this, and none of them are wrong, though I personally think some of those opinions are more mature than others. But at the end of the day, a wedding is just a day about the couple, who they decide to invite can just as easily be about what they can and can't afford, it isn't a be all end all statement about any relationship or friendship other than that of the couple getting married.
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Post by usernametaken on Feb 12, 2023 3:17:09 GMT
Thanks for the messages of support. I totally get it's her right, etc. I guess I wish he would be more upfront about how she feels about me. At one point he blamed me for why I haven't met her yet and I pointed out I had extended plently of offers and she had declined them all so it was pretty obvious.
I think there are also feelings of anger that a similar issue actually came up for us when we were planning our guest list. That one of his friends was accused of raping a girl in our friend group and it made me uncomfortable and I knew it was him or her and I wanted to invite her. My opinion mattered so little to him that I didn't get a choice even though I felt strongly.
So even though he said he is doing it because he learned his lesson with me he's gone so far the other way now it stings. It's like why did I have to be the lesson? It's even why he proposed so quickly, he regrets how long we waited.
Usually they say exes don't change etc etc. They treat their new partner the same but he did a lot of work and counselling so I actually do think she is getting the version of him I wanted and never got.
I started to cry as I wrote that. So that is what I'm really grieving I think. It hurts to beg someone to treat you with decency and they just don't and then you see them realize they fucked up and actually put in the work and although he regrets it that doesn't fix my hurt.
I was also the one who was clear we would never get back together so I got my wish and he moved on with someone who seems to make him happy. And I love that for him I really do, I just hope he is making the right decisions for himself and not acting from a place of fear.
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Post by usernametaken on May 1, 2023 4:27:40 GMT
Been in freeze all week and today managed to take myself out for a bit and try to just get out of it, but now all the feelings have hit me like a tidal wave. Trying to just let them be and feel them as they emerge but it's pretty hard.
I found out this week that an old friend, (our friendship faded out for a number of reasons) got married and has a kid now and it's left me shaken. This is someone who I know wasn't emotionally healthy and people routinely made fun of him for being so black and white and defensive. But it has me feeling like wow, there really is someone for everyone, except me. And then I started to doubt my leaving my marriage. It was by no means healthy and he was mentally abusive, but I had my own share of problems and issues and we were co-dependent. Who we are now, and knowing what I know I feel like that is a relationship that could be 100% different, but I purposely closed that door after I ended things and he is now getting married. I do know logically we probably wouldn't have never gotten to this place if I hadn't of walked away.
I feel so lonely lately, and I miss my best friend. All my weird neuro-divergent quirks he didn't even notice. He got my sense of humor and somehow we lucked out with our views on money, and lifestyle. We were always in lock step in terms of what we wanted out of life.
I went from having a great middle class lifestyle to struggling to pay my bills and I feel so drained lately from constantly having to worry about money and my life and feeling like I've fallen so far behind and have no way to catch up. I had a friend recently tell me she would rather stay in her not great marriage with the person she knows then risk dating due to all the experiences I have had, and it just added to that I was selfish for leaving and messed up my entire life feeling.
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Post by tnr9 on May 1, 2023 9:37:10 GMT
Been in freeze all week and today managed to take myself out for a bit and try to just get out of it, but now all the feelings have hit me like a tidal wave. Trying to just let them be and feel them as they emerge but it's pretty hard. I found out this week that an old friend, (our friendship faded out for a number of reasons) got married and has a kid now and it's left me shaken. This is someone who I know wasn't emotionally healthy and people routinely made fun of him for being so black and white and defensive. But it has me feeling like wow, there really is someone for everyone, except me. And then I started to doubt my leaving my marriage. It was by no means healthy and he was mentally abusive, but I had my own share of problems and issues and we were co-dependent. Who we are now, and knowing what I know I feel like that is a relationship that could be 100% different, but I purposely closed that door after I ended things and he is now getting married. I do know logically we probably wouldn't have never gotten to this place if I hadn't of walked away. I feel so lonely lately, and I miss my best friend. All my weird neuro-divergent quirks he didn't even notice. He got my sense of humor and somehow we lucked out with our views on money, and lifestyle. We were always in lock step in terms of what we wanted out of life. I went from having a great middle class lifestyle to struggling to pay my bills and I feel so drained lately from constantly having to worry about money and my life and feeling like I've fallen so far behind and have no way to catch up. I had a friend recently tell me she would rather stay in her not great marriage with the person she knows then risk dating due to all the experiences I have had, and it just added to that I was selfish for leaving and messed up my entire life feeling. I completely get this….when B got married (which I found out through a friend)…..I was in a freeze state for weeks. I think you have a lot of different things you are experiencing and trying to process all at once and in all that jumbled mess your body is overwhelmed. I have found that the only way to break a freeze state is to recognize that it is trauma from my past and not in my present. It sounds like you also may have grown up with “scarcity”……not enough love or time or money etc. My mom was a single parent and there were 3 of us and I was the problem child….so yeh….scarcity. A scarcity background sucks because every lost opportunity or perceived mistake or bad decision haunts us more. And yeh….magical thinking develops….mine started around 4 or 5 and is my go to when I enter a freeze state. I will spend literally hours going through a different scenario (that does not exist) that would have changed the outcome. I believe this was a coping skill I developed when I could do nothing right. Thinking about what I could have done instead was a punishment but it always was a hope fora different outcome. And my therapist always reminds me….you make the best decision in the moment with the information you have at that time. Scarcity has told me that the dating pool is small…when there is a wide world of potential that I have not met, scarcity has told me to “settle” for men who treated me good at “times”, scarcity has told me that I will never amount to much and that my worth fluctuates based on how well I do or act. On every mirror I have written in lipstick I am enough. Sometimes the scarcity wins….but I am getting better at counteracting it with self love. Self love costs nothing…..self love says this too shall pass, I will survive, I matter. You matter!!! |
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Post by usernametaken on May 3, 2023 18:05:45 GMT
Thank you for the kind words tnr9. I broke down and had a good cry and just let all the bad feelings wash over me. I know there are a lot of men out there, and I thought again about installing a dating app but then I get stuck on stupid things like I'm not photogenic and even though I've been asking friends to take photos of me while out, they just aren't great photos. The big thing now seems to be audio and video and that is just over whelming. Like I get it, you are trying to get people in the door and those things work, I just absolutely hate being in front of a camera and I think it comes through the photos. So just trying to get out more, take my headphones out. Engage when people talk to me. Etc. |
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