Dating stage as an FA

Ironically, while out with Mr. AP I ran into Mr. Situationship on a date at a bar. His date actually approached me and struck up a conversation but he didn't acknowledge my presence. Not wanting to ruin his date or anything I sent him a friendly Merry Christmas text. He replied with a joke and when I joked back he said he was blocking me. So odd ending to that story.

I also got a date out of this. The girl was asking for my number was doing so for a guy who I had been chatting with briefly. We've been texting and have a date arranged.

I can understand the emotions that you are describing here. There's probably a few levels to your feelings, but I think it's quite simple really, not being invited to the wedding feels like a rejection from someone you care about and have a connection with. That's disappointing. And it's probably just pinged at some old feelings of regret and sadness that your relationship with him came to an end. That all seems very understandable.

As you've quite rightly said, it's just a story in your head about what it means, because it just sounds like he's trying to do the easy thing, or the thing that is right for his new partner... which I guess is as it should be... but it most likely doesn't reflect how he feels about you.

I'm on really good terms with my ex, and he's yet to partner with anyone, but even though I have zero romantic feelings or attachment to him, I still have some feelings of sadness that it had to end. I know that I'd also feel yuck if he didn't invite me to his wedding, given how friendly we are in normal life. I identify with you about the lack of convention... my ex and I have done family holidays and spend more time together than most other separated couples I know... I'm wanting this less and less as time goes on and our children are getting a bit older, but I see him as a friend/family and would personally would want him there if I ever got re-married... and would prefer to be involved if he did as well... but I do feel we are in the minority with this one. So I hear you on all counts here.

Thanks for the messages of support. I totally get it's her right, etc. I guess I wish he would be more upfront about how she feels about me. At one point he blamed me for why I haven't met her yet and I pointed out I had extended plently of offers and she had declined them all so it was pretty obvious.

I think there are also feelings of anger that a similar issue actually came up for us when we were planning our guest list. That one of his friends was accused of raping a girl in our friend group and it made me uncomfortable and I knew it was him or her and I wanted to invite her. My opinion mattered so little to him that I didn't get a choice even though I felt strongly.

So even though he said he is doing it because he learned his lesson with me he's gone so far the other way now it stings. It's like why did I have to be the lesson? It's even why he proposed so quickly, he regrets how long we waited.

Usually they say exes don't change etc etc. They treat their new partner the same but he did a lot of work and counselling so I actually do think she is getting the version of him I wanted and never got.

I started to cry as I wrote that. So that is what I'm really grieving I think. It hurts to beg someone to treat you with decency and they just don't and then you see them realize they fucked up and actually put in the work and although he regrets it that doesn't fix my hurt.

I was also the one who was clear we would never get back together so I got my wish and he moved on with someone who seems to make him happy. And I love that for him I really do, I just hope he is making the right decisions for himself and not acting from a place of fear.

I completely get this….when B got married (which I found out through a friend)…..I was in a freeze state for weeks.  I think you have a lot of different things you are experiencing and trying to process all at once and in all that jumbled mess your body is overwhelmed.  I have found that the only way to break a freeze state is to recognize that it is trauma from my past and not in my present.  It sounds like you also may have grown up with “scarcity”……not enough love or time or money etc.  My mom was a single parent and there were 3 of us and I was the problem child….so yeh….scarcity.  A scarcity background sucks because every lost opportunity or perceived mistake or bad decision haunts us more.  And yeh….magical thinking develops….mine started around 4 or 5 and is my go to when I enter a freeze state.  I will spend literally hours going through a different scenario (that does not exist) that would have changed the outcome.  I believe this was a coping skill I developed when I could do nothing right.  Thinking about what I could have done instead was a punishment but it always was a hope fora different outcome.  And my therapist always reminds me….you make the best decision in the moment with the information you have at that time.

 Scarcity has told me that the dating pool is small…when there is a wide world of potential that I have not met, scarcity has told me to “settle” for men who treated me good at “times”, scarcity has told me that I will never amount to much and that my worth fluctuates based on how well I do or act.

On every mirror I have written in lipstick I am enough.  Sometimes the scarcity wins….but I am getting better at counteracting it with self love.  Self love costs nothing…..self love says this too shall pass, I will survive, I matter.  You matter!!!

Mr. Situationship messaged me out of the blue last week. Really caught me off guard, it's been a long time. There were no sexual overtones, just hey, if you are free I'm coming to town. So tonight we went for a drink, which turned into dinner, which turned into some after dinner activities if I am being honest. And if you can't be honest with random internet strangers... then who can you be honest with?. It was honestly so odd. We fell back into it instantly, like the oldest of friends, yet it was different. For the first time, I felt a genuine positive regard from him, towards me and who I am as a person. And that made me wonder, was that there all along but I just didn't pick up on it through all my wounding.

He was surprised I wasn't dating and my celibacy. We chatted about both having ADHD. How we both like to be in control. I brought up my hyper independence and how hard it makes dating. He made a joke that only weak men will dislike that. I asked him if he felt we had a power struggle when we met, he didn't think so. But he admitted he didn't realize at the time he didn't have the bandwidth to be dating. He asked to see me again thursday before he leaves, so I agreed. He was perfect, the perfect date.

And so on my way home I cried. I think it just brought up a sense of loneliness for a partner. Because out of all the dates I have ever gone no one has come close to that? Yet if he ever wanted me to be serious, if he turned around and said hey I want you. I don't think I could do it. I could never be like sure, let me quit my job and move cities and be a step-mother to your three teenage daughters. It's such a deep lack of trust. Lack of trust that I got this and I will be okay no matter what. Or maybe this is just me growing up and realizing what he realized all along. Life isn't a fairy tale and uprooting my entire life just doesn't work.

Counsellor is on vacation, so just trying to work thru my feelings.

Been reading through baggage reclaim again. I am evaluating "does he meet the bar for being a friend?" like truly, trying to get honest with myself here. But then that is hard because I have friends I BARELY talk to, and then we reconnect once or twice a year, and then silence again. And then I have my newer friends who just, it's a different level. I was in my head last night and couldn't shake all the feelings. I texted K and out of the blue she invited me over and cooked me dinner and we chatted and laughed. I felt so warm and loved. I have never had a friend who just was like hey come hang out. It's always a big hassle and arranging in advance. Even my best friend ... her goal this year is to see me 12 times?!? That's it?!! I was shocked when she dropped that. Like yeah I appreciate the effort, and the acknowledgement that you are a shitty friend. But it's also just a stark reminder that you haven't always shown up for me.

So then I spent last-night grieving the amount of times I have had to abandon myself, or tolerate shitty flakey people to stay connected to anyone.  It's such a deep old wound. 

Mr. Situationship is pretty blunt that I date and hang out with losers. And I don't disagree with him, but then what does that make him? I finally remembered what pushed me over the edge to cut him off the first time. I messaged him the day I buried 3 family members in one day, and more than 24 hours later I get a half assed reply saying sorry. That was it, that was all he had to offer me. Either way, guess I'll have more knowledge after tomorrow to try to make a decision.

edit: also just dawned on me that K is only in my life because I just let the relationship flow to what it was going to be. I extended her friendship, she rejected it which is understandable because we had dated the same man and it was complicated. A year later I found out through a mutual she regretted not taking me up on it so I reached out and let her know the offer still stood. And then we just built a friendship with zero expectations, but always equal effort. I've always felt good around her, and it took me a bit to even figure out what I wanted from her, re platonic or romantic etc. So that energy of letting it grow organically definitely benefited it.  If that friend hadn't told me, I don't think I would have ever reached out and she was in a place where she felt like she couldn't see if the offer was still on the table.