Dating stage as an FA

I wanted to at least acknowledge his apology. But I am not able to. Just thinking about replying my body goes tense and says nope. Not safe, don't do it. If you show this person any more vulnerability it won't matter or change anything. You already showed him enough, you are dumb for what you showed him. There is also this wanting to be correct? in what I say to him. Like what am I actually feeling. Our entire relating has been him doing something that in isolation is minor, but cumulatively starts to be shitty/flakey. Then I react in a way that seems out of proportion with the thing in front of me. But if you look at the whole, probably isn't. So I want to communicate what the actual heart of the issue, is. But what is the heart of the issue? 
Either way, I want to be the brave vulnerable person that shares my truth, in a non-triggered, secure way. 

Maybe I am also afraid of this being the end, or not the end. It's such a weird open way to leave things. But us FA HATE endings more then we hate ambiguity. 

I don't let many people into my touch bubble. It actually makes dating very hard. I can be so engaging and present but the second they go to touch me, my body gives me away by flinching or pulling away. In fact the very last date I went on, the touching was the #1 turn off I had. So it's a very odd thing, to feel so physically safe with someone and yet so mentally unsafe. He doesn't remind me of either of my parents directly, but I guess imprints don't need to be conscious. My mother was physically abusive, but I don't have those memories.  The memories I have are of her gently brushing my hair and singing me to sleep. That was the most "safe" I ever felt in my childhood. I kept my thoughts/feelings to myself. I love being creative, but I refused to do art after a while because even that felt too vulnerable. I don't normally share any of my writing with people,  I hate being perceived. 

I feel like stomping my feet and going not fair!  So I am trying to honor and validate, that I am reacting this way for a reason, even if I am not 100% sure why. Is it the games we are playing? I recognize them, but they are also different. I feel like I need to understand this to move on, one way or another. 

He doesn't strike me as a classic narcissist, but a friend called him that. He said Mr. Situationship is more of your classic grandiose and Mr. AP is more of your vulnerable. So I can see Mr. AP for who he is, and extract myself out of the games. Is Mr. Situationship out playing me? My counsellor once said when you have a history of abuse, your Spidey sense will go off fast then others. OR is my brain just painting him this way because of my past?

Yeah, there is that AP need to say the "perfect thing" to get him to finally understand how he is hurting me, but I know from a lot of experience that never works if someone doesn't respect you to begin with. I also fear his response will be caring and promises of change, but nothing will change. Because why would it change? If I don't assert a boundary then there stands no chance of things changing. But then in trickles the fear, not wanting to actually find out that I care about him far more then he cares about me. Because I tend to just assume people don't care. I also ponder, is there enough there? and I don't know if there is. The one friendship I turned around had years of friendship underneath to support the growth we went through.

I simply can't reconcile him as someone who means any harm at all. I see all this evidence of him being a loving and caring person who is prone to anxiety and is conflict avoidant. But that means the same thing, that he is unsafe. I have guilt that I have mistrusted him the entire time I have known him. So I've always acted in this semi guarded way, I've never really shown up in the way I had hoped to.

The physical safety is even more perplexing in that normally that is the first thing to go with men. As soon as I feel unsafe I will stop wanting to be physically intimate. So all the other hallmarks of relating continue without it.

I feel so emotionally fried. Despite have the closure on it I am still sad and processing. He tried to leave the door open and I didn't have the energy. So I just left it.

I had a really hard conversation with my ex about the fact he is still co-signed on my property and his fiance does not like that. Which I was proud that we communicated and got thru it to a mutual satisfaction.

Then I had a huge blow out with Mr. Ap when I tried to set boundaries. I asked him for space and I'm just so done trying. I missed the friendship but I can't handle the rest of it. It feels like people from my past are haunting me. Like I have not made any progress at all in the last few years.

But I can see the progress because I set boundaries and I'm clear with people. I am taking time to feel my feelings and grieve. It's just really really hard.

Thanks! your comment meant a lot to me. I am putting this all out there into the universe and then I wonder, how I sound to others. A lot of people told me his behavior warranted ghosting. And while they aren't wrong that his behavior wasn't great, I didn't want to fight disrespect with disrespect. It does also leave ambiguity and our relationship had already been so full of it.

But with all that, I really struggled with how to show up for myself that wasn't slamming up a wall of a boundary, but also not sending paragraphs of emotionally loaded texts. I think I struck far more of a balance then I did in the past. I could finally see my own part in our dynamic. I really felt it was important to be honest, because it's something I've really struggled with when it comes to him. The second I got his response I did feel a tiny bit of self doubt creep in, but I ultimately know it's his lack of depth and not mine. I don't know why I was surprised he wanted to keep the door open. I overall feel just a lot calmer, I've worked through a lot of that anxiety around him and I see him more for a person. I have a counselling session tomorrow to discuss it further. I think it gives me a lot of insight into myself.

I am actually super proud of how I handled things with my ex. I was getting annoyed because I was the one who brought it up to begin with. I had asked him to have this conversation many times over the past year, so we could settle it before my back was up against a wall to renew, and he kept evading it. Which in the past I would have gotten emotional and forced him to have it. Instead I told him I recognized he was uncomfortable but I was starting to feel anxious and when could we talk. He set a date right away. He was being pretty argumentative but I remained calm and then he realized I was not his enemy and he admitted he didn't know why he was trying to fight about the house.

Mr. AP sent me 36 text messages in 24 hours. I turned off notifications and read them when I had a moment. It was an interesting experience to be on the other side of an emotional tidal wave. I replied that I had read them and would think about what he said. But that is all I had to offer him. I am further along with him because there was no hiding. I expressed my feelings pretty openly and gave him every opportunity I could and he continued the same. He is also demanding a massive emotional investment that Mr. Situationship simply does not. So if I look at the two of them in context I have Mr. AP who is demanding and time consuming and throws hissy fits vs Mr. Situationship who expects nothing from me. Shows up, asks to see me, we have a good time and he disappears into the either. Also problematic but far more appealing to my avoidant self. It allows me to get some needs met in a pretty self-contained way.

Had a great counselling session, was really surprised she wanted me to block him. That I do not owe anyone "access" to me or my time. We even explored what feelings come up for me when she suggested that. Her rational was the degree in which he triggers my inner child, it's simply not worth it. But it was good to really dig into who he is to my inner child. Something that really struck me, was her suggestion that he was attuned to me. And I instantly knew that was true. He shows up and he is so perfectly attuned, like a parent would be. That is why I feel safe. And then my child self is perplexed and abandoned all over again when he goes back to his life. A lot of these feelings I was blaming him for, are really my own abandonment issues coming to the surface.

She really disapproved of how much I was intellectualizing it. But I often have to go through both the logical and the emotional matters to get to the other side. Once I really process the separation between me and another person, I can then show up as my adult self and let them be them and set boundaries as appropriate. And I am not sure I will ever really get out of this until I go through that process. As sunrisequest has suggested. 

Oh wait, duh, I guess she means using logic to the exclusion of allowing and experiencing the feelings with it. I also find the application of logic very helpful in moving forward but no longer do so without delving into the emotions. Sorry to detour I was taken aback for a minute.

What started out as an innocent post on social media about a cute scene of a man and his kids picking out flowers for mom at Costco, ended up with me receiving something like 100 text messages in 24 hours.

The day after making this post, I received a flower arrangement, no name on the card. I asked the obvious people and then when they had no clue who sent it, I posted a generic thank you with a photo. Later that day Mr. AP reached out and asked if I got my flowers, I said yes they made my day. I went about my day and then later that night he started to flood me with texts that I couldn't even be bothered to call him and he was just trying to show me appreciation and listen, and on and on. As intriguing as it is, to watch someone with such anxious behavior, it also felt TERRIBLE. I felt a bit bad about not calling, but I think if this was any of my other friends, who chose to send them anonymously, how I thanked them would be sufficient.

I am proud that I didn't let him hook me back in. I clearly communicated my feelings and then disengaged. Waking up to another 14 text messages. I don't block people easily, but wow. It is really getting there and it's just fascinating that someone in their 40s can be like this. And just enlightening that if someone doesn't want to listen, nothing you have to say matters.