Dating stage as an FA

I don't know if this is helpful, but I hope it is.  When reading your experiences with dating I get a sense that you are very good about saying what you need and making boundaries, which is great.  But, I also think that in early dating, needing to push back, so to speak, about things that you're noticing don't work for you, can be a sign of trying to make something that doesn't naturally work, work.  For instance, when noticing behaviors in Mr. AP that you didn't appreciate, instead of logging that as "ok, this is how he operates, it doesn't work for me, and in fact is a sign of unavailability and disrespect.." you have confronted it and come on strong about what you need him to do.  I think there is definitely a time to draw lines and create expectations,  but if someone just isn't demonstrating good communication or relationship skills, we can't really teach them how to treat us because it will always be a power struggle.

I know it's skill we have to learn.  It takes a lot of practice.  I have tended to just back away from situations that could *possibly involved more compromise, because that's how an unaware DA rolls, right? I've also been in the hyper -assertive space after realizing I'd taken too much crap in the past.  I've been in the fawning and conflict avoidant state too.  It's a process of experimenting, trying out our voice.  

But sometimes, we have to just see when a duck is a duck.  You know what I mean? A scarcity mindset can take hold and cause us to try to shape a person to be more of what we need, if we feel that options are limited.  We do that in various ways.  Asking, telling, boundaries, fights, passive aggressive ways, aggressive ways, there are endless ways we try to get what we need indirectly, when we are learning how to take care of ourselves AND another person. And, we have get to a place of not just self care, but other care too.  That balance of honoring both people without being lopsided by self protection or caretaking.  Lack of empathy vs over-empathy.

I've had to learn to trust myself more, for sure- like, if it doesn't feel good, it's not good for me.  That's a tricky one, too- separating my intuition from my fears or avoidant narrative.  

I learned more how to relate in a healthy way by paying attention to my body cues than anything.  I don't know if that works for FA because of the mixed messages constantly happening there.  But for me I had to really pay attention to what felt good, warm, safe... and what felt bad, cold, familiar.... the bad stuff was more familiar and the good stuff more novel and something to explore, open up to. 

When encountering a bad feeling, I have to sit with that and figure out what's going on- do I need to communicate a vulnerability and ask for support, do I need to make a boundary, do I need to support my inner child etc.  It's really a lot and takes a long time to work through. 

I do believe that your options are not as limited as they may seem.  That doesn't mean that other suitors are apparent right now.  But when we are more ready for what fits in a healthy sense, that person seems to come along! I've seen that happen over and over again in people I know- and people here like alexandra ... and myself.  I wouldn't have chosen my boyfriend when I was less healthy, and less in touch with what's good for me.  I'm sure of it.  I had to work through a lot of things, in crap relationships even, I was still growing. 

Hang in there- you're doing the right stuff in my view... it's truly just a long road of evolving.  That's how I see it anyway. 

Thanks for writing that post @introverttemporary it really brings together a lot of abstract ideas I have been reading into a cohesive message.

I also agree about the scarcity mind frame, and I think for me the online dating when i was already feeling a bit rejected and alone really compounded that and probably raised my anxiety higher making me less available or even aware of potential partners I was experiencing in real life.

I am getting better at saying what I need, but it seems to be receiving that is hard. I think sometimes I just really don't understand/listen to what I am being told and other times I do not express any curiosity and instead fall back on my FA tendencies to read people and figure it out. While alexandra is right that part of this is the insecure dynamic of dating other insecure who don't tell me, I also could stand to be more curious / receptive.

I definitely am still learning how to trust myself and balance walls vs trust. My needs vs my trauma. Maybe it is that other care part I am struggling with now. When I don't feel secure it is really hard for me to practice authentic other care.

Yeah the FA can interfere with the body cues, because what feels bad, once processed I realize is completely neutral and was just me over reacting from a place of self preservation.

Really, your story touches me and I am proud of your candor and willingness to keep trying and keep sharing .  I think that you are getting there! Again- it takes a lot of patience courage, and resilience.  But you show all those things in your writing. 

I went into dating not believing in relationships so... that was a self fulfilling prophecy. But I still was doing other things to try to get healthy. So i did make progress as I've shared. I have also shared on here that I swiped left on my now boyfriend twice before encountering him randomly in public and saying yes. I did a LOT of growing between those. It's kind of funny. Looking back, it seemed really chaotic and useless then but step by step I have come a long way.

Mr. AP and I went around in another circle, think I am feeling ashamed because I should know better. He told me he wanted to host a party with me, of course when I tried to clarify he gave me no details, so I pressed for more info, and he ignored my question. I reached out to him a few days to see how he was. I was in a pretty bad place with a lot of physical pain and debating going to the hospital so during the conversation I got pretty emotionally honest with him that my deepest wound is I am broken and unlovable and that people can just feel it. He told me he didn't see me as broken, but he definitely is. Tried to reassure him I don't see him that way, but he said he is. After this conversation he followed up with me the next day, we chatted for a bit and then out of the blue he told me I really don't understand anything he says. When I pushed he said I am the only one who he has this problem with, and that every time I take something he says and add a question mark it symbolizes to him my complete confusion. I tried to explain that it is my way of getting someone to elaborate on their last point but he didn't seem satisfied with that. I felt deeply triggered by his statement, it is hitting on my wounds of something being wrong with me emotionally that I can't connect with people. I tried to see his point of view, and I said I could see how it could come across that way but it wasn't meant that way. I didn't get a reply. I probably shouldn't but I also brought up he never clarified on the party, and if he needed something from me, let me know. More silence. I really really really really want to reach out to him right now, but I don't know what to say. So I am fighting it. It feels like space is needed

I know on one of our first dates he said he was a bad communicator, and we talked about it a bit... but this seemed so out of line... I want to understand why he is so upset, but it's just so hard for me. I was afraid to push further. This is the fourth? time he has said to me that I didn't understand him. I know sometimes people have a hard time with my communication because I lack context and don't realize it, but they always tell me they don't understand and I clarify. Sometimes I also get things wrong, so I get the feeling or emotion wrong and in that case they correct me and we move on. I am working on my active listening and paraphrasing things back to people so they know I understood, but I am not great at it yet. I am feeling really deficient.

My AP side wants to apologize about my prior projecting that caused our previous fight, that I made some bad assumptions before. But I also want to tell him when he says things like that I feel hurt, I care and I just view misunderstandings as part of getting to know someone, and I want to know him, but sometimes he leaves things out, and I do get confused. That obviously we have different texting styles but he is starting to make more sense to me. Maybe even some fear of abandonment? I can't understand why someone would want to be friends with me if he feels so misunderstood by me? But he said he wanted to be in my life...

edit: I have made progress in that logically I know this isn't all my fault. I know I sometimes make assumptions and haven't been curious enough but also he tends to be very guarded in his communication. He had times he could have corrected my assumption if I got things so wrong, but he didn't, just said I didn't understand him. There has been a lot of hinting, and indirect questions.  He hasn't told me things and then brought them up later after it was too late.  He once got annoyed I didn't get something about a community I am not a part of, and then weeks later I found out the thing was an inside joke... There was ZERO way I could have known it, but at the time he sent me a deluge of texts about not getting it. He also makes his own assumptions, and even when I directly contradict it, he doesn't correct it.  I've been slowly modifying my communication style to be more direct and clear, and I am happy to do that because it benefits me overall... so just feeling a bit defeated.  The only thing that comes to mind is his shame over being a bad communicator and/or his belief that no one cares and this is just proof. 

Another thought in text... brevity is expected, unlike other forms of communication such as on this forum, the text appears in little bubbles and becomes a scroll that is judged by both parties as being "too much" if it isn't brief. So, yet another limit imposed on communication. People will type lots and lots in order to attempt to convey everything that can't be conveyed by other means (tone of voice, facial expression, body posture, "vibe"). Then it becomes even less effective if someone develops a projection or a misunderstanding because there's lots there to back it up! It's really a mess.