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Post by cherrycola on Apr 21, 2022 15:33:03 GMT
I think I recognized lastnight that this is starting to creep into my self esteem and I saw a great post elsewhere on the board about how that is when a secure person draws a boundary and walks away.
I've already determined we can't be romantic. I thought we could be friends but there might just be too much romantic charge (for both of us) to try to make that switch.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2022 15:55:43 GMT
I think I recognized lastnight that this is starting to creep into my self esteem and I saw a great post elsewhere on the board about how that is when a secure person draws a boundary and walks away. I've already determined we can't be romantic. I thought we could be friends but there might just be too much romantic charge (for both of us) to try to make that switch. Yes! I think annieb made a great post about that on the "cut ex off forever" thread. |
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rykus9
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 21, 2022 18:28:18 GMT
Glad to hear your catching yourself in the habits after reading here on the forum. I am experiencing the exact same thing, that once I read it and have the idea in my head and can process it without the emotion, I can recognize it in myself and others and am just starting to be able to control my reaction and not just fall back into the cycle I grew up in.
I think that the recent posts on boundaries and reading some of the answers from those that are farther along towards secure such as yourself has helped me process and start to apply them myself, or at least understand and it has helped me immensely.
Also will add from the interactions I've read between you and AP, that your communication skills seem advanced to his, but that your insecurities towards them is starting to change and manifest into what it is.
That you are developing self awareness and tools so when confronted with the cycle although your initial reaction is to blame yourself and your inability, you start to see the unhealthy dynamic for what it is and can start to respond more in a stable and responsible manner that shines a light on the fact that it is a dysfunctional dynamic that has two sides and that you can only take responsibility and accountability for your side and what you want.and can see more clearly how their side is actually affecting things and also gives us tools like boundaries to get towards making stable decisions about what we need or want as well as what is healthy for us.
Sending positive thoughts your way and thank you for posting and helping me in my path as well. Appreciate it!
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 21, 2022 18:57:55 GMT
Glad to hear your catching yourself in the habits after reading here on the forum. I am experiencing the exact same thing, that once I read it and have the idea in my head and can process it without the emotion, I can recognize it in myself and others and am just starting to be able to control my reaction and not just fall back into the cycle I grew up in. I think that the recent posts on boundaries and reading some of the answers from those that are farther along towards secure such as yourself has helped me process and start to apply them myself, or at least understand and it has helped me immensely. Also will add from the interactions I've read between you and AP, that your communication skills seem advanced to his, but that your insecurities towards them is starting to change and manifest into what it is. That you are developing self awareness and tools so when confronted with the cycle although your initial reaction is to blame yourself and your inability, you start to see the unhealthy dynamic for what it is and can start to respond more in a stable and responsible manner that shines a light on the fact that it is a dysfunctional dynamic that has two sides and that you can only take responsibility and accountability for your side and what you want.and can see more clearly how their side is actually affecting things and also gives us tools like boundaries to get towards making stable decisions about what we need or want as well as what is healthy for us. Sending positive thoughts your way and thank you for posting and helping me in my path as well. Appreciate it! Thank you for the supportive replies! I have a lot of narratives in my mind about relationships and while I am actively trying to banish them I find that I am bombarded with them from every angle. A man will change for the right women Secures can stabilize DAs If he wanted to, he would You'll do anything for the person you love I think those first two are really dangerous for us who lean AP. Because you see it in real life too, some guy who said he was a player and then met "the one". But this is not a love story, and there is no happily ever after for putting up with emotionally unavailable man. I also need to release my own expectations and let things happen. I can't control life and trying to just makes me miserable. In some ways, I'm also chasing my unavailable mother. To me that cruetly and hot and cold, that is love. Because when was was on, oh she was mom of the year and when she wasn't ... My counsellor recently used the word malicious to describe her and I had never thought of it that way before but yeah, some of the things she did to me weren't just forgetful, or messed up (pretending she was dead to see what I would do) they were I want to emotionally harm you. Like @introverttemporary I can see her pain so it is hard for me to really hold anger against what she did to me. But I'm starting to slowly feel it. But I can't ever confront her now and tell her my pain. When I was in my 20s she tried over and over to apologize but in such a self serving way of wanting my forgiveness I couldn't do it. I told her to stop because I couldn't keep rehashing the past. I tried to think back to when did I start to hide myself from others, and it's my earliest memories. I remember feeling shame over watching Sesame Street because it was what little kids do, but I was a little kid !!! I used to use a lot of daydreaming to escape my life, entire narratives in my head and in all of those, I was chasing the love of my life, but he would hurt me over and over and I just knew he loved me me but for whatever reason wouldn't commit because he was afraid. I made myself the martyr. They say our brains can't really tell the difference between visualization and reality so I've been priming myself for 15 years that this is love. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2022 19:09:15 GMT
On the mother issue, I want to clarify that I actually was able to articulate to my mother what she did, the real consequence of her actions against me, and my anger. We got to a certain amount of resolution before she passed away. She was not a stable person and so could acknowledge destructive things that she did , but then would sink into shame and emotions bigger than mine and then it would be all about her again. BUT. I made clear and strong boundaries about what I would and would not discuss with her, and what kind of language I would and would not accept from her. All the emotional abuse tactics that are commonly known were identified and forbidden by me. Basically, she had to either meet me on a new level or not have contact with me. She did much better in a lot of ways but a tiger can't change their stripes when it comes to some things. So, it wasn't perfect but when she passed I had no regrets about how I handled my side of things, just sadness that the relationship I had with her was never and could never be what I needed.
I'm sorry that you know this pain as well! How it shows up in our adult romantic relationships is really eye opening. Freedom ahead if you just keep at it!
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 21, 2022 19:24:19 GMT
On the mother issue, I want to clarify that I actually was able to articulate to my mother what she did, the real consequence of her actions against me, and my anger. We got to a certain amount of resolution before she passed away. She was not a stable person and so could acknowledge destructive things that she did , but then would sink into shame and emotions bigger than mine and then it would be all about her again. BUT. I made clear and strong boundaries about what I would and would not discuss with her, and what kind of language I would and would not accept from her. All the emotional abuse tactics that are commonly known were identified and forbidden by me. Basically, she had to either meet me on a new level or not have contact with me. She did much better in a lot of ways but a tiger can't change their stripes when it comes to some things. So, it wasn't perfect but when she passed I had no regrets about how I handled my side of things, just sadness that the relationship I had with her was never and could never be what I needed. I'm sorry that you know this pain as well! How it shows up in our adult romantic relationships is really eye opening. Freedom ahead if you just keep at it! Sorry. I was thinking of your father when I posted this. Should have been clearer. I had so little relationship with my own father he doesn't exist to me in some ways. I'm glad you were able to have important conversations with your mother. The last year of her life I made a decision that I didn't want to have regrets left, and I'm pretty proud of how strong I was for her. But there was so much repressed pain that surfaced through the process, that I didn't have the bandwidth for. Most of it I couldn't even look at until recently. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2022 20:45:58 GMT
On the mother issue, I want to clarify that I actually was able to articulate to my mother what she did, the real consequence of her actions against me, and my anger. We got to a certain amount of resolution before she passed away. She was not a stable person and so could acknowledge destructive things that she did , but then would sink into shame and emotions bigger than mine and then it would be all about her again. BUT. I made clear and strong boundaries about what I would and would not discuss with her, and what kind of language I would and would not accept from her. All the emotional abuse tactics that are commonly known were identified and forbidden by me. Basically, she had to either meet me on a new level or not have contact with me. She did much better in a lot of ways but a tiger can't change their stripes when it comes to some things. So, it wasn't perfect but when she passed I had no regrets about how I handled my side of things, just sadness that the relationship I had with her was never and could never be what I needed. I'm sorry that you know this pain as well! How it shows up in our adult romantic relationships is really eye opening. Freedom ahead if you just keep at it! Sorry. I was thinking of your father when I posted this. Should have been clearer. I had so little relationship with my own father he doesn't exist to me in some ways. I'm glad you were able to have important conversations with your mother. The last year of her life I made a decision that I didn't want to have regrets left, and I'm pretty proud of how strong I was for her. But there was so much repressed pain that surfaced through the process, that I didn't have the bandwidth for. Most of it I couldn't even look at until recently. 🧡 I'm sorry about the pain you're still carrying. But it comes to the surface when the time and resources are right. I still have some pain about here but I am working through things as they arise, mostly related to parenting and the modeling I received. Working through it. I have always protected my father, I can see, it's that stuff I am working through in the other thread.☹️ |
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 23, 2022 0:18:58 GMT
I spoke with Mr. AP on the phone, but it was pretty light. The weird thing I am noticing with him and sometimes others is sometimes I just drop the conversation. Even though the conversation had been a fun lively back and forth, after 30 minutes I just blanked and had no interest in continuing it. We do have a lot of mutual things we could talk about so it's weird to me that we don't. Maybe part of it is I am aware of my tendency to fall into the victim narrative and wallow and I don't want that to be me, but since my brain goes there... it is very hard to pivot away from it.
But I also had this same thing with someone I dated before. He kept putting me on my back foot and I constantly felt this weird tension I couldn't resolve and all our conversations felt stilted and weird. I tried to talk to him about it but he swore things were fine so I just assumed it was a "me" problem. Maybe I am just a slow burn kinda gal.
I deleted Mr. Situationship out of my phone. It felt really good this time. I communicated clearly and have no doubt he knows where I stand. If he pops back up I won't feel bad re-iterating my standards and then asking him to stop texting me.
I feel burnt out of people, talking, socializing, and dating in general right now. I am still talking with Long Distance and he wants to take me on a date mid May so I'll let that happen but actually putting effort into meeting someone? meh. They would have to pursue me at this point. I have applied for a new job, and to go back to school and am taking baby steps to just find a purpose in life. But also when I go back to dating, I feel like maybe I am finally at a place where casual is okay. I didn't want to do that before, it felt cheap and like I would owe them something physical, but who says I can't just go out and have some fun and assert my standards and trust in myself to uphold them? maybe I just want some FUN dates.
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Post by amber on Apr 23, 2022 10:36:36 GMT
Anne why are you saying I’m neurodivergant? Where did you get this idea from? I am not just to be clear jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31081/The love triangle consists of intimacy/friendship, passion and commitment. Intimacy and closeness arise between people who feel understood by each other, and it provides a relationship of closeness and connectedness. You will do what it takes to make the relationship successful. This is attatchment. You are able to share your inner feelings, you are best buddies. Passion and intimacy provide romance, physical attraction, sex and excitement. Passion: sparks, physical and sexual attraction, polarity between the feminine and the masculine, contractions in the stomach, champagne bubbles in the body, etc. . you are eachothers lovers The commitment gives the relationship security and loyalty because the parties take responsibility for fighting for the relationship's survival. You will both do what it takes to make the relationsship work. If you dont know what to do, you will seek counseling. An eternal battle The perfect love arises when there is an equal amount of all three ingredients, but the dosage is extremely difficult. Even if a relationship achieves balance, it will get a lot of push and pull, so the love triangle repeatedly runs out of its equilibrium and conflicts, frustrations and deprivation arise. The eternal challenge of the relationship is therefore to find ways to restore balance so that love lasts. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 23, 2022 11:27:11 GMT
amber I’m sorry, I thought you have said that yourself a long time ago, I must have misunderstood something a long time ago Look in your pm
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Post by cherrycola on May 2, 2022 6:54:40 GMT
Long distance dude and I went out in a blaze of glory. He made a statement saying we communicate how to be treated. What we can and can't allow is often in our control. I accused him of victim blaming and said I didn't communicate it was okay to be raped. In fact I had communicated the exact opposite with open communication around sex, and my ex chose to rape me and then blame me. He said I didn't know him, he didn't appreciate the comment. I apologized that I called him victim blaming but stood by my sentiment that the point of view is not good for peoples mental health. He said he didn't want drama and he was done.
I am feeling so triggered all over again. I have spent so much time validating that what has happened to me isn't my fault. That even if I lacked boundaries that I didn't deserve to be abused. I spend so much of my time fighting all my messed up trauma impulses so that none of them leak out on the people around me. I fight through all my defense mechanisms and communicate when all I want to do is stay silent. Why is it so much to ask to be treated with decency? And I feel so mad that he accused me of drama. Like dude, someone getting mildly upset because of an insensitive comment is not drama.
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Post by anne12 on May 2, 2022 7:39:47 GMT
Sorry to hear that you were raped cherrycolaWhat were you talking about when he made a statement saying we communicate how to be treated. What we can and can't allow is often in our control ? |
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Post by cherrycola on May 2, 2022 8:17:42 GMT
Sorry to hear that you were raped cherrycola What were you talking about when he made a statement saying we communicate how to be treated. What we can and can't allow is often in our control ? I mentioned how he was so sweet and supportive because I had been at the cemetery earlier today visiting my mom and that I hadn't always had the best experience with dating before. And then he said this. "Honestly, I would ask, why are people treating you that way? I am a firm believer we communicate how to be treated. What we can and can't allow is often in our control." It felt... very out of place? Like what was meant to be a compliment to him was turned around on me? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2022 13:54:22 GMT
Sorry to hear that you were raped cherrycola What were you talking about when he made a statement saying we communicate how to be treated. What we can and can't allow is often in our control ? I mentioned how he was so sweet and supportive because I had been at the cemetery earlier today visiting my mom and that I hadn't always had the best experience with dating before. And then he said this. "Honestly, I would ask, why are people treating you that way? I am a firm believer we communicate how to be treated. What we can and can't allow is often in our control." It felt... very out of place? Like what was meant to be a compliment to him was turned around on me? I'm sorry about your trauma history usernametaken, I've been in a similar dynamic and been forced into sex in a relationship too. It took me time to resolve the trauma so that it didn't enter into dating. What I learned is, that as long as I needed someone to validate that it wasn't my fault, I seemed to attract men who were unempathetic. My own unresolved shame and emotional pain showed up in my way of approaching men and that played out as.... unresolved pain. I once had a guy tell me that if I didn't leave immediately I must have enjoyed it on some level. WTF? I was challenged by these situations to really face my doubts about myself, and it forced a deeper layer of healing around that history. Then it became something that is a part of me, yes. But not in a way that has me needing validation or help from a new partner. I have become resilient around it and am clear about the dynamics that existed in me and my relationships that led to being victimized. It's true that I wouldn't be capable of entering the kind of dynamic where abuse occurs because my boundaries and awareness of what constitutes abuse and disrespect is well tuned. I don't blame myself for the abuse that happened to me, but I do know that the woman who fell into the trap that led to the opportunity to abuse, isn't who I am today. I got to the point that I could leave the past in the past and didn't need to touch on it continuously in the present. I can talk about it if it's beneficial in the moment to the person I am talking to, in order to empathize or share things that helped heal me. I don't share it with people who haven't demonstrated an ability to understand. I shared my history with my boyfriend a little during dating but in a way that has it firmly in the past emotionally , with the ways that I grew as a woman through healing, being what remains with me today. I have self respect, wisdom and courage. I do not carry shame nor do I shame those who have been where I have been. I am resilient! And I don't get involved in perp/victim dynamics. There truly are perpetrators in the world, and they look for victims. They won't find one in me, anymore, and that's an incredible feeling. My head is high, I walk tall, and I am not afraid. Those are the traits I lead with when I encounter new people, and I can see now how before I possessed those traits I encountered new people in a different way. Healthy people relate to me much better than unhealthy people do, and that's who I have around me. He may have felt a little uncomfortable that what was meant to be a compliment to him touched on negativity from your past. Of course only he knows why he responded the way he did, maybe he has at some point been blamed and held responsible for a woman's unresolved trauma. Whatever it is, it's clear that you and he don't vibe in a way that is helpful to you. I'm so sorry you're experiencing all this negativity around dating but when I look back, all the BS of dating really dissolved layers that needed to be dissolved for me to get to my real self without trauma and history hanging around my neck. Sending hugs! 🧡 |
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Post by annieb on May 2, 2022 14:43:10 GMT
Perhaps the book “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft could help ease some of your hesitation that in no way were you ever responsible for what another person did to you. It lies solely on them. You did not attract or provoke abuse. Luckily for you this new person revealed his true character in time and you were able yo end it with him.
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