Just joined.

Thank you again for the kindness and support @introverttemporary

I do agree 100% with that statement above. I am just focusing on setting boundaries for myself right now and trying to be supportive but firm in my resolve to move on but not do it in the blow out anger and hurt filled blow out where I feel justified not communicating at all ever again.

Hopefully that isn't my attachmentvthinking I can grow more than is healthy but I feel like it's important for me to try.

Hope every one here has a glorious day. Happy 420 to all the weed smokers if any of you self majicate.

Ok first of all I want to thank everyone again for helping me change my life. cherrycola @introverttemporary anne12 your support has been so helpful to me and I can't say enough how it feels to have support, kindness and understanding at this point in my life. This may be one of the hardest thing I've ever faced and it is so much easier when I don't feel like I'm doing it alone, and am reminded supportive of my role and taking responsibility for myself through this all.

Ok these last few days have been so hard, as I learn to grow I also learn to see the damage I caused, the hurt. It is so hard to process and I'm at a low so my instincts are blame and withdraw but I don't have the energy to continue the cycle now that it's been laid out so clearly. That I've read it from both sides and lived the pain I not only feel but also the pain I create as a reaction to that fear.

I never have cried, I have maybe a few times under extreme pain. Once out of frustration when I was in grade 6. The first time I ever cried out of emotions or despair was a few months ago.i was in bed alone, I think I ate a bit of mushrooms with my house mates and it just happened I actually felt and succumbed to the feeling of hurt and hopelessness I had always denied myself.
So much has happened the last 8 years I have every time started to get neutral only to be destroyed by some outside event that creates more hurt and trauma. I am so tempered I had shut off so much I just lived through these events and carried on as an empty shell. Barely functioning but unable to process. I had no tools no time no space I felt safe, I just carried on in this state of hurt and blame expecting people to notice or care but unable to express myself or care for myself. Bills keep coming. Life doesn't care. People want to care until it's at an expense to them then they protect themselves from you if your at a low, constantly wanting or needing and unable to fulfill in yourself.

I've been so hurt being in this space with this person I care about. Feeling like they kicked me at all my lowest lows and lost compassion every time I was so hurt all I needed was to feel understood.
We've been having the same fight so many ways from so many sides and although I am learning now my part, her part our part. The dysfunction and cycles we exist within there still was no resolution. I couldn't express my pain without it being a pain in her and I couldn't accept her pain without her acknowledgement she wasn't there either.weve been fighting for days. Both our fathers are sick and dysfunctional. Our jobs are not going as they where. Our bills are higher and pay lower. Just stress all around and being trapped by the pandemic, by circumstances and money to exist in this pain in this tiny space with nothing but hurt and blame, love and frustration. I know she loves me, she tries harder than anyone has to be there for me, but her world was formed by unstable people who couldn't ever meet her needs and abandoned her when she needed them most. Her life is something I couldn't even imagine and not something that could be wished on anyone. I respect her so much that she chose a better path and became such a strong and amazing person so filled with love and hope, able to truly see people and support them as I never could even after being treated so poorly. It is inspiring and our connection is very deep as only two people with such traumas can bond through so much other trauma.
She has stayed with me through things that are outside of normal stress. I am so grateful on so many levels it has enabled me to break some of my cycles and actually want to grow and change and meet her part way instead of running away and finding someone else, taking the easy route and blaming rather than growing and seeing things in myself.

We both quit drinking around 2016, I was a bad alcoholic but she has multiple personalities that come out and in my opinion should not drink at all (neither should I)

The last few days she has talked to me after drinking. I hate it. It hurts me and I don't think it's healthy. I realize that probably makes me less compassionate. She has used it to cope a few times when we where under stress. The worst was when we lost our child. She got black out drunk to the point she peed herself and had to be rescued by a friend because she was out in the rain and couldn't walk was incoherent.

I came back with food, we tried to talk, i said I was too tired and hurt and just wanted to spend time before she left. She ruminated about us and I pointed ot out and tried to say I was to hurt to do this and we argued a bunch. It subsided and we where quiet, I could see and feel the hurt like never before. For two days we had both been trying to be open and hurt and feel support only to be attacked and hurt more. It was so clear but I still couldn't do anything from the place I was at.

We tried to watch a movie, but just being there she thought I kept pulling away then responding in hurt and frustration. Wich frustrated and hurt me because I was trying so hard to be there and be supportive and continue our conversations even though I was feeling hurt, misunderstood and really vulnerable. I know I was only partly there I know I was reactive and unable to be neutral and not hurt by her pain.

At night she wanted to cuddle after abruptly turning the movie off because I was starting to fall asleep. I was feeling to hurt but I wanted to be supportive and did try. I fell lightly asleep cuddling with my clothes on but awoke and wanted space as I felt trapped and hurt and hadn't been able to regroup my energy. I felt alone and being in her presence after feeling so hurt and misunderstood was hurting me so I tried to go leave. She was hurt and after a brief fight about it I let my boundaries fall and conceded to sleep in the bed and be closer. I woke up at two after a few hrs sleep and couldn't get back to sleep. I was uncomfortable in my body. Was aware of my clothes and my hair in my face. I became increasingly aware that I had let myself down. I let my boundaries be crossed and was still hurt and growing resentful. I lay there in my discomfort and hurt for a few hrs trying to process.
At a point I got up angrily and sought me refuge on the couch. Mild relief. But I was still spinning between anger and hurt, frustration and despair. I guess I woke her up in my departure and she started coming out and questioning me. I could feel the hurt and anger in her.
We fought again, both on our last legs. No energy, no sleep . Both felt hurt and unheard. It was crazy.

I tried to explain where I was at and that I felt I let myself down, I felt bullied and like I had abandoned myself to make her happy. She talked about how she just wanted to be close and connect and brought up how she thought we could have been intimate.
I tried again to sat where I was at, and it was so far from intimate that I just couldn't understand. The pain was so heavy I could feel it. I could see her dying alone in a world of hurt. I felt so sad that I could do that to her but also sad of the pain I was causing myself. I could see both sides and became aware more and more there was no answer. We where both right. Our pain and our feelings where valid.

I went to the bathroom and when I returned I just held her for a long time as we sat. I let myself feel compassion and hurt and started to cry gently for the first time ever fro that place as opposed to just hurt and frustration.
I told her I loved her and that I was sorry I was unable to support her in the ways that she needed and that I was sorry she felt alone and just held her and cried and let her know I understood now that I was not present and couldn't emotional accept responsibility because I was also so hurt and that I was not sure I would ever be capable of the level of compassion and understanding that she needed to feel safe and heard. We cried together for a long time. It was so hard. It was maybe one of the hardest things I've had to experience.

I don't think we would ever have a healthy dynamic, but I am so thankful that she has been in my life. It's been the hardest fought battle I've ever endured and honestly I am not sure why I did, anyone else and I would have left without a second thought. But she forced me to grow. I may even heal at some point. I can only hope I did the same, and I know I have too a large extent.

This has been a huge week for me, a really hard year on top of my usual struggle. I am more thankful now not only for the support here but also my friends and even my family as hard as that is. I'm more fuct up than I think I have ever been, and it is terrifying but I see myself on the other side of this pain for the first time ever in my life. Maybe there is hope and one day I will be able to give and receive love in a way that I have always wanted but never understood. It's so painful to see myself as I am and that I've denied myself this opportunity my whole life as I was denied it as a child. It hurts me even more that I have denied it to any person that tried to love me. I met their love with distrust and frustration and drove them away. It might hurt me the most that all the people I was closest with tried as hard or harder than I did and we just hurt each other in deep and painful ways that only depend the sxars we had from our childhoods. That I think is the hardest part. These people that had hope and love and tried to be with me and I only hurt them more because we where both just lonely hurt little kids acting out our pain and living our dysfunction.

I'm trying to heal. I am so drained. It is the most hurtful and satisfying pain I could imagine, and I am scared and hopeful about the future. There so much still to do but I have come so far so fast it is just changing me daily.

Thank you again for reading this. I hope it helps people. I love you all and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for helping me. I feel like a psychopath sometimes being honest about the levels of dysfunction I've lived through so I cannot express how it feels to have gotten so much support. It has inspired me to grow way beyond anything I could have though possible up until I joined here.

I hope you all have a great day. I know mine will be painkiller and long but for the first time I think I am looking forward to it.

Thank you for the kindness @introverttemporary!

I'm glad you appreciate my writings, I am trying to heal and have committed to the idea so I'm going all in. No regrets on the posting either I'm just doing it for me with the hopes it can help others in the future since reading here was what actually opened my eyes to a lot of the dynamics.



She left to vancouver island for the week so I have taken today off mostly and will rest up and try to recover my energy back to 100% I hope.got a bit of stressful stuff coming up so I just need to sleep tonight and focus.

I hope you are having a great night and thanks for all you contribute!

How you feelin, rykus9?

Yup, I spend a full day in lethargy but relieved to be in silence and solitude, then sleep and get up feeling new or at least much recovered. Sloth is right. I usually use screens a lot too, light browsing or something neutral to watch and not take in too much.

Glad you're feeling a bit better, seeming more peaceful... I totally get where you're at. Hopefully after a productive day, feeling like you have agency and some space, you will sleep even better.

Good to see you getting the time for yourself in!

It's OK. I spent 4 days of a week I had too clean up a property I have for an inspection for appraisal of value. Took another day too revover and ended up cramming it all in the last 48 hrs.
I did manage to sleep straight through two nights though, with a 3 hr shit sleep between them.(usually I only sleep 4-5 hrs)


It's my father's birthday today, i am going to go see them but I'm nervous about it . Lots going on really but I need to try to focus on.mysrlf a bit too so I'm trying to stay balanced and doing the minimum at least to move forward rather than stand still.

Honestly my whole life has been a bit extra stressful. I try to focus on my relationships a bit here as I feel it is a big part of it but I haven't felt able to be myself in a long time.

I'm trying to figure it out, and I will try to express myself here as it comes up. A lot of it is kind of hard to work through so you'll have to bear with me a bit.

I really wanted to live alone, I haven't fully been able too in a bit. Even when I have it was living at job sites and being 24/7 available and accountable.

I had a few really negative financial issues starting in 2012, I've made major changes to try to escape the negative cycle but as I change so does everything else So i keep making plans that don't ever work out quite as planned. This has been compounding the stresses in my life and dragging thing on way longer than planned.

I think that going through this for the last 10 years has just put me in survival mode thst I've never quite escaped.
My struggles have taken the time i had to pursue bonds and connections I would usually pursue and being in the prime of my life for making a family or focusing on myself I have just kept trying to meet all these commitments I made financially and in my work and life.

I don't know what I even want now, it feels like changing too much would be giving up on that decade. Accepting defeat almost. That I wasn't good enough, couldn't get myself together enough, or even scarier that I was just wrong or chose a path I wasn't able to complete.
I'm at the point where if I walk away it could be me not going to zero but having to start over with 1 cent on the dollar for my time and money I put out. I thought about it at a few points but the farther I go the scarier it is and the more I realize I am approaching the final days of being young, able and all that.

I am also worried that after so much suffering I will reject happiness. That giving up would make me bitter and unable to start again much less be at a place to be supportive and caring enough to be in a relationship let alone raise a family etc.

I can see that in some ways I could roll my money into this new path. I have taken steps in both ways just incase, as I see the end of my physically working coming and my need to mentally generate wealth increasing. Still the thought terrifies me.

My partners too, in business and life, add stress. I need to be accountable for them too and already that has thwarted a few of my "fuck it" moments where I implemented real change.

I left the person I am with before after the miscarriage and the resulting blame and depression thst brought. I moved off the coast and worked for a year alone living in a trailer on s job site.
The pain of moving back,I almost had a child after a brief few months with another lady as I mentioned. But that led me to going back and trying to resolve things with the FA as she still lived in my one house and we hadn't talked since her being drunk and blaming me while on the phone from some random guys place while I was away working and paying bills.
I should have known thst was not what I wanted but I got sucked in through my own choices and trying to resolve all that during a point of feeling lost and alone and under financial and metal stress.

The shitty part is that now I'm getting older I guess, I see it clearly but I don't see a way to get to what I want because I can't actually decide thst.

Do I want to be just a simple man and have less responsibility and more time for myself? Yes I do but that thought scares the shit out of me. It feels like abandoning everything I've worked for, taking huge losses just for some comfort that ultimately might be of no comfort. It could be my biggest regret. Plus I have little skill thst is financially reward able outside my business. Could I go work for hourly starting at the bottom and be happy or even get by? Would someone see my experience and be able to utilize it and could I find any reward in work or would I just have to separate that and acknowledge I just do this for money because I can leave and not care after.

The other fear is continuing on. What if I spend another few years in this and loose anyways. What if I walk away with nothing. What if I do succeed but never do anything I want or mis my opportunity to make new bonds or have a family. Could I spend another 10 years like the last or would I even want to? I am feeling like I've lost a decade of my life to doing what I had to at every turn never what I wanted, never something fun just for me(or my partners)

So yeah, I guess I'm at a mid life crisis. I'm starting to see it all more clearly but I am still paralyzed by fear. I want so badly to hold up my end and make everyone else happy. But have a growing need to also do this for myself. Seeing my father sick and old just turning 75 is another eye opener. That's in 34 years for me not even.

I have had a crazy intense life and although I'm not sure many others would have chose my path or could have endured a few of the things I have, and I am grateful for not only the opportunities I had but the growth I got by going through it all, I am still sad by all I missed out on and the security and acceptance that comes with living a safer more socially acceptable existence. Leaving my work at work at work and thinking about myself for the other 16 hrs a day.

It's been a lot harder the last 6 years since my house burnt and I left my wife. I have been in a constant state of semi depression and frustration. I feel disappointed in myself that I went back into the toxic relationship after my year away and now it's been another 3 years almost.

I guess thsts why I can articulate it lol I've been in the loop for too long. I need to figure myself out and I'm feeling the universe about to help me out again if I can't help myself. Hopefully it won't be as severe a lesson but I am particularly stubborn so I'm not going to be surprised if I have z few more hard lessons coming up.

Thank again for looking out for me. I appreciate it.