Just joined.

Thanks again @introverttemporary your insight and advice is always appreciated. I do realize these things but I still can't help my mind from going there.

The despair is as real as we make it some days. I know I live in mine sometimes and when I'm happy I am like why didn't I just do those easy things and be happy but st the time it can seem much harder.

Hope your having a great day!

I've been learning more about stress hormones, and I bet your cortisol is through the roof with all you've been through. Maybe a thorough medical checkup and blood work is in order to support your physical health and systems while you work on the mental/emotional healing too. The brain-body connection is so important. I think they can check brain chemistry now in ways they didn't used to... tnr9 has experience with that recently and has shared that she's found relief with some medications?

Oh believe me I totally get that- this is the new me talking but the old me when in avoidance I  didn't go to the doctor either . It's a good thing I had fantastic tooth enamel and good hygiene because I didn't see the dentist since I was a child.  We didn't grow up with much medical care and it never became a habit or something I felt entitled to and there was a lot of shame and distrust around that for me.

Now I go for regular checkups, I am healthy but I do all the things that take care of me- I have out off the dentist again. But  I neglected my medical and emotional/mental healthy plenty, I know all about that.

But there are also things you can do lifestyle wise, I know it's super hard when you are underneath it all- Stress reduction, etc.  

Some labs would at least let you know where you're at though.  Getting the logical, physiological stuff in line can help so much because a lot of stuff is just BS going around in your head that healthy physiology can improve to some or to a great degree.  So it's doing yourself a favor but I know that it's tough to get the heck in there for it. 

After 3 years of going to my doctor “crying” and an inability to stop ruminating…..she suggested that my serotonin level was low and we started me on the generic form of lexipro.  I noticed an immediate improvement in my ability to access reason, to take a pause, my ruminations were shorter in length.  I do recommend that if anyone is struggling with depression or anxiety…..to have your doctor access if one of your neurotransmitters is low.

Serotonin (/ˌsɛrəˈtoʊnɪn, ˌsɪərə-/[6][7][8]) or 5-hydroxytryptamine (5-HT) is a monoamine neurotransmitter. Its biological function is complex and multifaceted, modulating mood, cognition, reward, learning and memory.

I agree….which is why I am in SE therapy as well.  🙂

I do agree for certain issues like hormone and vitamin levels as well as certain mental conditions that they have found are just an imbalance and easily curable through medication that doctors and medicines are great and have come a long way from even when I was a kid and have grown an insane amount since a hundred years ago.

Still up here in Canada where we have pretty good medical availability etc. The system is overwhelmed and a lot of the people are jaded by the constant dealing with "socially acceptable drug addicts".

I have a few friends with mental health disorders and unless you are your own advocate or do a lot of work, it is crazy how they assume things, over and under medicate because of personal issues, and straight up don't do the proper diagnosis or research medication that well.

My one friend stopped them from prescribing her lethal combinations of pills a few times because she did her own research. She also almost died getting off benzo's and within a year her doctor was trying to re prescribe them. She was a zombie on them for like a decade and they do significant damage to your body.

But yeah that's my doctor and pills rant. I know they can help a lot too.

I just find people profile me too. I am a bit different mentally and I am pretty heavily tattooed so no matter if I'm winter scruffy and in work garb or clean cut and business looking people kind of judge me.

I am almost overly friendly too balance this if I see people feel threatened and because I am a bit intense and look at people directly I find it goes one way or the other, the relax and feel safer or think it's fake and get mistrusting.

I actually had a lady working at checkout get all wierd when I was being nice adding extra pleasantries because she was seemingly uncomfortable. To which she responded by blurting out " please don't kill anybody" ... to be fair I was buying an axe.. I also found a really cool brush clearing tool... then was walking past a stack out of paper towel that was really on sale and couldn't resist so I guess my items could be interpreted as series killer esque but I'm not and I was genuinely being nice, so it hurt a little and was probably not very professional.

Anyways yeah kind of afraid of being prescribed a life of medication and have an aversion to places where I feel like my appearance is going to dictate the type of help I will receive. But again a lot of that is on me too.

Unfortunately I have to agree with rykus9 mental health here is a nightmare to navigate. I had to go to a doctor who didn't know me and said I wanted a psych eval. They tried to discourage me but I insisted. They sent a referral for that and counselling. I waited a year to see a psychiatrist, it was a one time only assessment. She wrote an official report. The group counselling was only for 6 sessions and it was more so for people on the brink of their life falling apart. They then offered me access to a special group for depression but it was during work hours so I couldn't attend.

I then had to find a walk in clinic that was willing to prescribe anti depressants (even with an official diagnosis many won't) I then waited two years to see a ADHD specialist to get that diagnosis. I got lucky that the other clinic would prescribe stimulants because those are even harder to get. That clinic then re-referred me for individual counselling. I got 4 sessions again with someone who was meant for more of emergency counselling and not trauma. Luckily she referred me to a special program for women who have been abused. I waited a year to attend that program. By far it has had the most impact.

At $120/h counselling is so out of reach for so many people.

If you are really suffering I can not see someone having the persistence to keep pushing for help.