Post by emreyn on Jul 24, 2023 17:56:59 GMT
Help first time poster, relatively new to the attachment theory. After doing some research and tests I can see and agree that I am an anxiously attached person.
I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years with what I believe to be a Fearful Avoidant, and I’m wanting some advice because actually the relationship has been so damaging for me so much so that my close family and friends believe my ex has narcissistic personality disorder (his ex even reached out to me and told me to leave)!!! So I have this compassion towards him and his struggles but another side of my mind thinks he generally likes control and is selfish and doesn’t give a thought to anyone else.
When we got together I’d recently got out of a 16 year relationship with 4 kids. The ending amicable we had just been together from 17-33 had kids young and realised although we were best friends we weren’t feeling the way we wanted about one another, I met this new guy a few months after my separation at a new job. Straight away it was pretty intense he was so sure of us and me and would find any excuse to be around me at work, he’d want to spend a lot of time together and was so desperate to become part of my family and meet my kids.
I made a huge mistake and got pregnant with him fairly early on (before anyone knew of us and before my kids had met him).
He wanted to move in and “make my family his family” and would continually make me feel so loved and secure. Then he meets my kids and moves in, all is wonderful until it isn’t.
I should also add that he suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts, on and off in intensity. So early on his depression starts to become a problem, he can function at work but not at home, he’s withdrawn and stays in bed, spends most of his money on hobbies (always extreme hobbies) like collecting every figure Lego ever made!! It became a distraction from his life.
I was extremely understanding often taking him breakfast in bed and trying to give him space as much as possible. But then I notice a difference when he’s socialising and working to when he’s at home so I start to ask for more. He makes some immature remarks about relationships, other women we work with and I guess with my concerns about how he is behaving it creates this huge insecurity and jealousy about how he spends his time ( he always seemed happier anywhere but home)
He says it’s was easier to put on a front a work and for other people than at home - which I kind of understood but then I’m thinking ok so you can work well and show up and be this amazing colleague, helpful etc and then with me you hear me (pregnant) cleaning and getting ready for the day with the kids and no help whatsoever.
He then proceeds to move into his old place. I at this point pretty much chase and I think may have emotionally manipulated him at some points (looking back at old messages) saying things like how could you leave while I’m pregnant after being so forceful about moving in… where is your responsibility?
He comes back multiple times over the pregnancy, leaving 12 days before due date and returning just before the baby was born and then 6 weeks after baby arrived. For me it was emotionally draining and absolutely terrifying for the first time my anxious attachment had been triggered horrendously and I kept trying more and more and paying more attention to his moods and behaviour and pretty much neglected myself.
After each break up and reconciliation we would seem to think we were going to be able to make it work and somehow ending buying a house together 8 months ago, but this whole 2.5 years he’s left and come back over and over every couple of months. He always blames, either depression mainly, incompatibility, his need to be alone and not cut out for relationships.
The worst time before this was when he just left mid way through Mother’s Day (march) last year until late summer. Then he came back and we bought a house.
Fast forward to feb this year, I get pregnant he tells me he will leave if I keep it, I try and bring it up over and over and he doesn’t want to know “he says well I know we will end sup having this baby as you won’t go though with a termination” I really didn’t want to do it. I didn’t know how I’d cope with 6 kids alone. Again he said his depression was so bad he couldn’t cope. (Bearing in mind he stopped his medication which was high in dosage- and I didn’t know). So I had a termination and then was left 9 days later only for him to return a few days afterwards.
Every time he leaves I feel like I’m dying and when he returns it’s like I can breathe again. It’s actually very debilitating. My work has suffered and I can’t think straight, i over think every single interaction and don’t have a grasp on what I believe to be real.
Every ending becomes more and more abrupt and more and more final, with him looking at me with no emotion saying things like “what am I supposed to do” “I can’t help that I don’t want a relationship”
So now we have a kid and a house together, we also work together and he is stepdad to my 4 kids.
He leaves for work on 3rd June saying “looking forward to seeing you later”. Then a phone call at 7pm that night ends our relationship. He says he never planned to end it it just happened. Since then I’ve got lots of I love you messages but that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He will never say he doesn’t love me. He says he is broken but also now says he doesn’t want a family whereas before he said he couldn’t cope with a family but wanted it badly.
Most people think he leaves for control and then I beg for him back which then makes him feel better and he returns. But it doesn’t feel that way for me, it feels like he doesn’t want me, genuinely, then he does very much like essay texts about how much i mean to him and how badly he wants me.
I realise I haven’t made sound judgements with this relationship and I’m not looking to make anyone the “villain” I’m just wanting to know if this sounds like FA behaviour or someone who just doesn’t really know what he wants. Honestly it’s like ok the love of his life for a few months and then although he says he still loves me he needs to be alone and doesn’t want a relationship.
I hate feeling like he future faked me and I’m hoping that it’s a case of him not knowing how he really feels. Because so many people hate the way he treated me and also know about his ex girlfriend who had the same experience but isn’t so forgiving about it all, I do worry I’ve been massively played.
Any thoughts would be appreciated especially from a FA.
Thanks
Emma
I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years with what I believe to be a Fearful Avoidant, and I’m wanting some advice because actually the relationship has been so damaging for me so much so that my close family and friends believe my ex has narcissistic personality disorder (his ex even reached out to me and told me to leave)!!! So I have this compassion towards him and his struggles but another side of my mind thinks he generally likes control and is selfish and doesn’t give a thought to anyone else.
When we got together I’d recently got out of a 16 year relationship with 4 kids. The ending amicable we had just been together from 17-33 had kids young and realised although we were best friends we weren’t feeling the way we wanted about one another, I met this new guy a few months after my separation at a new job. Straight away it was pretty intense he was so sure of us and me and would find any excuse to be around me at work, he’d want to spend a lot of time together and was so desperate to become part of my family and meet my kids.
I made a huge mistake and got pregnant with him fairly early on (before anyone knew of us and before my kids had met him).
He wanted to move in and “make my family his family” and would continually make me feel so loved and secure. Then he meets my kids and moves in, all is wonderful until it isn’t.
I should also add that he suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts, on and off in intensity. So early on his depression starts to become a problem, he can function at work but not at home, he’s withdrawn and stays in bed, spends most of his money on hobbies (always extreme hobbies) like collecting every figure Lego ever made!! It became a distraction from his life.
I was extremely understanding often taking him breakfast in bed and trying to give him space as much as possible. But then I notice a difference when he’s socialising and working to when he’s at home so I start to ask for more. He makes some immature remarks about relationships, other women we work with and I guess with my concerns about how he is behaving it creates this huge insecurity and jealousy about how he spends his time ( he always seemed happier anywhere but home)
He says it’s was easier to put on a front a work and for other people than at home - which I kind of understood but then I’m thinking ok so you can work well and show up and be this amazing colleague, helpful etc and then with me you hear me (pregnant) cleaning and getting ready for the day with the kids and no help whatsoever.
He then proceeds to move into his old place. I at this point pretty much chase and I think may have emotionally manipulated him at some points (looking back at old messages) saying things like how could you leave while I’m pregnant after being so forceful about moving in… where is your responsibility?
He comes back multiple times over the pregnancy, leaving 12 days before due date and returning just before the baby was born and then 6 weeks after baby arrived. For me it was emotionally draining and absolutely terrifying for the first time my anxious attachment had been triggered horrendously and I kept trying more and more and paying more attention to his moods and behaviour and pretty much neglected myself.
After each break up and reconciliation we would seem to think we were going to be able to make it work and somehow ending buying a house together 8 months ago, but this whole 2.5 years he’s left and come back over and over every couple of months. He always blames, either depression mainly, incompatibility, his need to be alone and not cut out for relationships.
The worst time before this was when he just left mid way through Mother’s Day (march) last year until late summer. Then he came back and we bought a house.
Fast forward to feb this year, I get pregnant he tells me he will leave if I keep it, I try and bring it up over and over and he doesn’t want to know “he says well I know we will end sup having this baby as you won’t go though with a termination” I really didn’t want to do it. I didn’t know how I’d cope with 6 kids alone. Again he said his depression was so bad he couldn’t cope. (Bearing in mind he stopped his medication which was high in dosage- and I didn’t know). So I had a termination and then was left 9 days later only for him to return a few days afterwards.
Every time he leaves I feel like I’m dying and when he returns it’s like I can breathe again. It’s actually very debilitating. My work has suffered and I can’t think straight, i over think every single interaction and don’t have a grasp on what I believe to be real.
Every ending becomes more and more abrupt and more and more final, with him looking at me with no emotion saying things like “what am I supposed to do” “I can’t help that I don’t want a relationship”
So now we have a kid and a house together, we also work together and he is stepdad to my 4 kids.
He leaves for work on 3rd June saying “looking forward to seeing you later”. Then a phone call at 7pm that night ends our relationship. He says he never planned to end it it just happened. Since then I’ve got lots of I love you messages but that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He will never say he doesn’t love me. He says he is broken but also now says he doesn’t want a family whereas before he said he couldn’t cope with a family but wanted it badly.
Most people think he leaves for control and then I beg for him back which then makes him feel better and he returns. But it doesn’t feel that way for me, it feels like he doesn’t want me, genuinely, then he does very much like essay texts about how much i mean to him and how badly he wants me.
I realise I haven’t made sound judgements with this relationship and I’m not looking to make anyone the “villain” I’m just wanting to know if this sounds like FA behaviour or someone who just doesn’t really know what he wants. Honestly it’s like ok the love of his life for a few months and then although he says he still loves me he needs to be alone and doesn’t want a relationship.
I hate feeling like he future faked me and I’m hoping that it’s a case of him not knowing how he really feels. Because so many people hate the way he treated me and also know about his ex girlfriend who had the same experience but isn’t so forgiving about it all, I do worry I’ve been massively played.
Any thoughts would be appreciated especially from a FA.
Thanks
Emma
