Is this typical FA behaviour?

But with all that said I think my focus is better directed on my anxious attachment, which actually I wonder if has become anxious through this relationship or whether my very secure ex husband just didn’t trigger that side before and therefore I became secure by default. It’s hard to tell.

I really do want to thank you all for your responses and insights, I’m so glad I have some sort of understanding of the situation I’m in and I guess I should feel for my ex as it doesn’t sound like it’s much fun to be a FA especially when dealing with depression etc.

We all try to do the best we can with the knowledge and ability we have at the time, that’s way I’d like to believe anyway x

You can't gauge the FA experience and depth of feeling through your own. It reflects his capacity and the skills and tools he has for follow through and for mature and consistent relating, not his feelings. All 4 attachment styles experience very different mindsets from each other, which aren't intuitive to the other styles at all unless you've done a lot of research trying to figure it out. Even then, it can take a long time to understand.

The biggest takeaway is, the different attachment styles have evolved out of different emotional development, have different needs and fears, have different nervous conditioning, have different coping and defense mechanisms and strategies, and come with varying levels of dissociation from self as part of those coping mechanisms. So it's no wonder someone with another style might seem mind boggling and foreign to you!

In regards to you interpreting his experience as the inconsistency in his feelings means they are nothing, that is the AP interpretation: turning everything into the most negative story about yourself. What's actually most likely to be going on is, he has a weak sense of identity and object constancy. FA tend to be very reactionary to whatever is going on in front of them without a whole lot of consistency, and that's in part because that's how they grew up. In a state of constant shifting, random adult caretaker moods and behaviors with seemingly no rhyme or reason, that's why FA is also called disorganized attachment: they couldn't come up with an organized strategy to deal with their loved ones and caretakers because they didn't get consistent reactions and never knew what was going to happen. So, he is being honest when he tells you that he feels his feelings in the moment but then can't reconnect with them in other moments and might feel completely differently. It's actually because he's so disconnected from his own feelings due to them getting pushed down as painful when he was younger, them being too confusing to process when he was younger, or him being told he just needed to be different to get his needs met (which then still probably weren't met), so it's not even conscious anymore. He just doesn't know how he feels, unless he reconditions his nervous system (likely with professional help), processes his trauma, learns how to be connected to himself, and heals.

None of that has anything to do with you.

AP usually stick around these situations waiting for the happily ever after, seems so close if only x y and z can change!, because they dealt with their own inconsistent caretakers growing up. Which means ignoring the bad and fixating on the good so that they could stay attached to important figures who weren't meeting their needs either. Finding hope in the inconsistency instead of seeing inconsistency between words, actions, and feelings as a red flag about someone's capacity to show up in relationships and that they aren't a safe person to trust. But the inconsistency of the AP childhood experience wasn't usually quite as random, scary, or abusive to the same extent as FA dealt with. Not to say one style has it easier than another, they're all emotionally unavailable and need to heal from trauma. It just is different, with FA needing to work through both anxious and avoidant dysfunctional coping mechanisms together (distrust of self and others to varying degrees, fear of both abandonment and engulfment driving behaviors in different moments), and AP mainly needing to work through the anxious side (trusting others more than self, primary fear is abandonment, though subconscious fear is engulfment).

It does sound very borderline type behaviour to me as well... not that the label is super important and nobody can ever diagnose anyone else, but you may find some comfort and validation to do a little research around it, and get some ideas on how to best draw boundaries, and cope with the inevitable ups and downs that will follow, even as a co-parent. There's a really good borderline forum as well - BPDfamily. They've got some good tools written out on there.

Yeah, I'm not sure, and the amount of rushing at the beginning followed by the back and forth but it not seeming like it's a heartless lack of empathy plus the depression and suicide ideation is what made me suggest that. But actually... it might be FA + bipolar also. Again, I can't diagnose him, I don't know, I just think there's a couple layers of issues, with FA likely being one of them but not the entire driver. And it's something for OP to consider that this may be very complicated to navigate if he has multiple issues, so the focus on how to manage herself and what she and her kids need instead of trying to manage and influence his needs becomes even more important.

Alexandra- thank you for your explanation on the ap interpretation, so often he would say. Stop feeling sorry for yourself or stop taking things personally. It’s like I can’t accept it’s just the way it is. It’s like it has to be because I’m not worthy in his eyes. So doesn’t care enough to think about my needs.

Mrob- you are spot on about AP and it’s not actually being love or loving behaviour, so often I would look at a situation and criticise his behaviour (usually internally) without thinking he was suffering, or thinking about him as a person I know him to be. I’d be fully in my ego and not connected to his pain at all.

This description does go along with BPD. It doesn't really help you much if you're keeping your lens and focus on him, because he needs to get a professional diagnosis and help not use Google, but it gives you something to look into for yourself for help in seeing how partners of people with those issues get impacted and how to respond in a way that prioritizes your mental health, especially when you are co-parenting. Or it helps you find a professional you can talk to for support, as you'd know you might be looking for a professional who is experienced with treating BPD / helping (former) partners recover from their experience on the receiving end.

There's also very little support in the relationship that you can provide for someone who isn't ready, or doesn't want, to help themselves. No reason to beat yourself up about that... it is actually co-dependent to do so.