Is this typical FA behaviour?

emreyn, I know it's difficult to make the time when you're caring for a big family and work part-time, but how is your search for a therapist going? While you've mentioned it will be scary to talk about a lot of this out loud, a good professional can really help with recovery for people with partners like this. And processing the situation to not internalize that he gets to define your worth in any way.

Good, I'm glad you're taking steps to get treatment. Even if the reviews are bad, it's all trial and error anyway. It might be a good fit for you and it might not, might be a good practitioner or you might need to try out a few different ones, but you'll learn more about the parts that may work for you so it's not wasted effort.

In regards to being aware of your own anxiety, as it sounds like you've already realized, there are multiple sides and causes for it. Yes, AP attachment can come with an overactive nervous system, but that doesn't mean you're reacting to your imagination. There's a part of it that is responding to early life conditioning that is going to need healing and reconditioning or reparenting due to early trauma, but there's ANOTHER part that may simply be responding in a very normal way to an unsafe partner or interaction dynamic. You don't need to question yourself because it may very well be both (and, in your case, it has a lot to do with how unsafe of a partner your ex is, it's not just in your head, so you don't need to make excuses to totally blame yourself for what's happened). A secure person would feel anxiety also, but you're also right that if they have healthy enough boundaries they'd leave before getting as intertwined, since the unsafe parts would feel foreign and not attractive (whereas for insecures, it's complicated, but there's the like attracts like component and feelings of familiarity in that type of connection that can lead to tolerating dysfunction). They also wouldn't blame themselves or believe they have control over a partner's behavior and choices, they'd see the partner for who they truly are and what their capacity, or lack thereof, is for a relationship.

Once I earned secure after a lot of back and forth on and off with a forever unaware FA ex, I had a conversation with him about how I'd done a lot of hard work on myself and what was next when he was breaking up with me yet again. He sort of said we weren't going to be together while trying to still leave the door open as a backup plan yet again, because that's typical in that dynamic. That's what he could offer. I replied something to the effect of, I just did so much work to get over my irrational relationship anxiety (the me-side AP stuff) that I can't ever do another go in an unsafe emotional situation that there's an actual real reason for the anxiety directly related to the instability of the relationship! He said put that way, I was right. And that was that, I took myself off the merry-go-round and started moving on at that point. But don't get me wrong, it took 2.5 years for us to get to that conversation, it wasn't quick, easy, or overnight relief. Still took a couple months after that also to really feel grounded again even after shifting into secure for the first time -- and there were no kids involved.

Sorry my reply was about a comment way back.

I'm only just reading your story from the start.

I may have missed a lot since then. I hope you're hanging in there.

Here's what I know. The time we spend in fucked up relationships is a reflection of our own issues. Yes, we get involved with sickos. No, it's not a waste of time, it takes however long it takes for us to get finished with our own emotional shenanigans. The insecurity that had you missing boundaries, sailing past red flags, bringing children into massive instability.... that's yours to address. I am speaking from experience, and can truly empathize, as I had children in the middle of a shitshow. I wouldn't change them, but it's been hard on all of us as we find and travel our paths of healing. They are all grown and flown and doing well, now... but it's been a long road. I'm well also. But I had to really work hard, when it came to my own attachment issues. And I still do... I'm 52 and going deeper and deeper, refining, healing, learning all along. I dedicate my life life being healthier, for my legacy for my 4 kids. And my grandchildren.

Your anger is good, it's cathartic, and it's allowed to be here, you are totally allowed to feel it. Let it light a fire under you to get serious about your own blind spots, your own missteps and unhealthy beliefs and behaviors. The real power lies within yourself. For good or for ill... its all inside of us individually, not outside. Our lives are created by our own actions and that fact has set me free, I embrace it.

You can eventually be friends, maybe. But not this soon and not if you're not over him or if he activates your nervous system. I was friends with multiple FA exes for a long time after breakups (again, no kids), and eventually we drifted apart whether we discussed it or not because once we were no longer entangled, we cared about each other lots but didn't have meshing values... so maybe didn't actually like each other as much as we thought once we moved on to other things.

If you want to hear him out then that is what it is, but do NOT expect ANYTHING, and do NOT try to manage his emotions. Saying you feel bad for him now for struggling with tough emotions and you wanting him to indicate he feels things towards you while not wanting to cause him to deactivate (so, you walking on eggshells while guessing what he needs and pushing your needs down...), especially after only one interaction that's a bit different than the gazillion prior, is putting yourself on track for codependency and disappointment. Remember how unstable he is day to day. Even if he says all the right things you want to hear one time, it probably won't endure. He's. Still. Not. Emotionally. Safe. Just say thanks, take the closure, and move ahead with co-parenting and otherwise limited interaction until you're in a better space for yourself without him.

A business type relationship is all that’s needed to coparent. Focussed on the child, not on him, not on you.
This is all part of the FA cycle. The distance is too much, so he’s trying to get closer. The ball is in your court.