Shocking surprise… the FA ex came back

Hi annalee... I'm sorry this happened and it's been very painful, but it sounds like your ex is selfish as well as a bad communicator with a bunch of other issues, and you've had enough turns on the merry-go-round to see he isn't going to change. He's shown you his true colors repeatedly, and takes his issues out on other people instead of truly working through them. I'm not entirely sure what your question is, but I'm assuming you are trying to find ways to get over the pain instead of staying stuck. So the questions for you to consider are, what are your feelings telling you now? Why are you still in so much pain instead of feeling relief that several months ago you stood up for yourself because you knew you deserved much better? That's a good thing! You didn't abandon yourself and let him treat you however he felt like it, and you gave yourself space to move on and open yourself back up for someone who can treat you better. There are underlying reasons you still feel terrible about this, but are they really about him? Are they about fears for yourself? Something else? That's what you need to sort through to begin to process.

You talked about couples therapy, but have you tried going to an individual therapist on your own?

You're being inflexible with yourself. He burned your trust through his own poor decision-making, yet you're distrusting yourself instead of him (when he's the one who gave you reason to lose trust!). Sure, his decisions and codependency may be based in his own trauma, but he's allowed them to deeply impacted you. A relationship can't be healthy without a basis of trust, and you gave him a chance to rebuild trust but sometimes it's just too far gone. He had a bad history with you and then went behind your back falling into old habits, lying about talking to his ex wife after only coming back to you because things didn't work out with her anyway! How are you supposed to trust and not feel like second choice in that situation?

Stop doubting yourself and your own feelings, give yourself that compassion instead of letting him guilt trip you and question yourself. I suspect that part of the reason you still feel bad with what ifs is because the entire fallout from his issues has made you doubt and distrust yourself so is impacting your identity. That's enough to make anyone feel unstable and upset. The other aspect this may be shining a light on is if you have past trauma from your life before meeting him that makes you question if you should doubt and distrust yourself instead of seeing his contributions more negatively. Did you have that dynamic with anyone else when you were younger? Is your attachment style anxious?

I managed to improve my life, my home and my finances since the latest breakup. Life stressors in fact have been fewer…

I personally think you are not giving yourself enough time to grieve…..you are trying to rush through a process of getting over him when what may have been stirred up has nothing to do with him.  Instead of being frustrated…be curious.  What is truly at the root of this….allow yourself a chance to explore it.  It likely has little to do with reduced stressors and more to do with “needs” that were not met, or expectations of yourself that were not met or a bit of both.  Grief takes time but it also provides us the best opportunity to get to the root of some deeply held hopes, unmet needs and expectations about self and others.  Is there a therapist you could discuss this with?

Yes, I’m disappointed in myself. I feel that my ex exposed my own inadequacy and I feel humiliated and I’m ashamed of my failings.

That's also a good place to start with a therapist. Why is a relationship ending a failure? Sometimes people aren't compatible or someone's not ready or able to be a good partner. That's not a failure, it's just life. Why do his shortcomings define you? Why are relationships defining your identity? You tried to see the best in him with a second chance and he made things into a power struggle, so why does leaving a crappy relationship make you feel shame? You don't need to feel relief, breakups are sad, but a therapist can help you unravel why you'd blame yourself for all your partner's shortcomings.

forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us