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Post by annalee on May 26, 2024 7:18:36 GMT
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Post by anne12 on May 26, 2024 8:20:28 GMT
Aps can have problems trusting themselves And sometimes taking advise from others can become more confusing as well as expectations from the society we live in ..”tall, handsome, outstanding , intelligent, successful and rich” - ….are these the most important qualities for you in a man ? I can highly recommend: Making a love vision is a fantastic tool to make you aware of what you want in your future relationship jebkinnisonforum.com/post/49430/And writing down your dealbreakers If You compromise on your dealbreakers, IT Will drain your lifeenergy and IT Will close your Heart! jebkinnisonforum.com/post/24979/ |
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Post by annalee on May 26, 2024 8:56:44 GMT
My sister and my good friend could never change my decision about the breakup with no contact and they thought I was unbelievably stubborn to insist. when it came to closure what they did took a toll on me especially that I was living with my sister for a few months and on a daily basis I felt suffocated by her ongoing ‘advice’. Very sad though when people who are closest to me with their best possible intention ended up interfering with my healing process.
Another thing I need to forgive myself- let these people affect my emotions during my darkest moments.
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Post by anne12 on May 26, 2024 9:08:41 GMT
“ on a daily basis I felt suffocated by her ongoing advice….”
So what did you do or did not do to set a healthy boundary ?
Sometimes people have to be told more than once…
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Post by annalee on May 26, 2024 9:08:52 GMT
These were nice qualities but they became irrelevant after my ex crossed my boundaries repeatedly and hit many of my deal breakers of being mean, selfish and deceptive. His inconsistency being hot and cold was also a big turn off. |
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Post by annalee on May 26, 2024 9:14:14 GMT
“ on a daily basis I felt suffocated by her ongoing advice….” What did you do or did not do to set a healthy boundary ? Clear boundaries are important and when my sister carried on ignoring my boundaries I decided to move back to my own place and I have been in no contact with her for months. I told her that I needed space to heal. Sometimes we need to make tough decisions to distant ourselves from people we love when it comes to asserting healthy boundaries. |
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Post by sunrisequest on May 26, 2024 10:13:56 GMT
It's a shame that your friend and you sister came in hard with their opinions - that can be really tough when you're in the throes of a breakup, with all of the emotions that involves. It can really create extra murky thought processes when you've got people close to you telling you what to do and think. I'm sure their intentions were just to help and support, but inadvertently did the opposite.
It sounds like you know what you want, and you see that this relationship is not going to get you what you want... that's a good thing. The healing and forgiveness will come.
I also experienced an 'aware FA' in a past relationship - but he wasn't a 'healed' FA. He could talk the talk for sure, which was very attractive and convincing, but I realised over time the walk was not the same as the talk.
I also know of some stories of some relationships with FA-attached partners who have found their way into healthy relationships and moved into commitment... but it is quite a personal thing and not for everyone. Not many secure people would want to go there as they would find themselves to be incompatible in so many ways. I've been burned hard before but my reason for saying I'd still consider an FA relationship is complex... and will potentially change over time with more therapy. And I would be very, very careful and test the waters with lots of my own boundaries over a long period of time if I ever did find myself dating an FA again in the future.
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Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2024 10:33:22 GMT
As someone on the healing journey and someone who has dated unhealed FAs….i think my boundaries and my self love would not attract me to one anymore. That is the power of the healing journey….you don’t even have to look at attachment theory to know when someone is not a good fit…regardless of the trauma that he has gone through.
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Post by mrob on May 26, 2024 15:52:10 GMT
It’s amazing. I’m nowhere near healed, and even after all this, I still don’t want a live in relationship. But, thanks to here, and a lot of other related things, I can articulate myself in a way I never could have before. To an extent, I’m even ok with not being with someone again. That has taken a long, long time.
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Post by annalee on May 27, 2024 22:05:04 GMT
…
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Post by tnr9 on May 27, 2024 22:28:55 GMT
My ex came across as an honest man with integrity. My family and friends liked him a lot. It shook my core values when he turned out to be deceptive, selfish, mean and manipulative (typical FA behaviour ?) He repeatedly challenged my boundaries… perhaps he was trying to make a point… to feel powerful and be in control? He said he had low self esteem and low empathy (more FA behaviour?) The evening when we said our last goodbye, he told me he was too complex for me and I would be better off to find someone more simple in the future. I believed in open communication while he held all his cards closed to his chest to get an upper hand. It hurt to see that my ex abused my kindness and saw it as stupidity but by then I saw no point to argue. His behaviour hurt me a lot. Giving him a second chance was a stupid mistake and I paid high price for it. What lessons have I learned here? Didn’t I learn them all the first time he dumped me? Why I gave him another chance to hurt me again? He ‘treated’ women in his life equally. Over the years so many times I saw how my ex discarded his ex wife because he wanted to be with me and he treated her liked an unwanted piece of yesterday newspaper and repeatedly his ex wife used their children and manipulations in order to keep him in her life. She kept on accepting him back with no self love and little self respect. My ex wanted me to fight with his ex wife for him but I found it pointless to take part in their shit show because this kind of toxicity would only give people cancer. They both had their fair share of extramarital affairs and their relationship was truly a toxic and codependent one. Did you mean to repost this? |
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Post by annalee on May 28, 2024 13:34:36 GMT
No… Not sure what happened.
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Post by annalee on May 29, 2024 2:39:44 GMT
It’s amazing. I’m nowhere near healed, and even after all this, I still don’t want a live in relationship. But, thanks to here, and a lot of other related things, I can articulate myself in a way I never could have before. To an extent, I’m even ok with not being with someone again. That has taken a long, long time. mrob, why you still don’t want a live in relationship? What is the reason behind it? Is it because you haven’t met the right person you truly love or living in together is unlikely to happen regardless of how you feel towards the person? |
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Post by mrob on May 29, 2024 18:20:26 GMT
It’s amazing. I’m nowhere near healed, and even after all this, I still don’t want a live in relationship. But, thanks to here, and a lot of other related things, I can articulate myself in a way I never could have before. To an extent, I’m even ok with not being with someone again. That has taken a long, long time. mrob, why you still don’t want a live in relationship? What is the reason behind it? Is it because you haven’t met the right person you truly love or living in together is unlikely to happen regardless of how you feel towards the person? I assure you it’s not the first one. I’ve had three fantastic women. The demise of second relationship brought me here seeing a pattern and looking for answers. Because the juice is not worth the squeeze. *I don’t feel the need for one. I’m actually complete as I am. Maybe things will change when my daughter grows up. At the moment it would be a real complication. *I was fortunate enough to just catch boomer house prices. I almost lost it once, never again. No prenup would protect me, and neither should it. I should have owned this five times over. Instead, purely because of my attachment style, I’m further in debt and unable to realise my earning power because I want to be a father. I’ve created all sorts of gymnastics to be there at 8.30am and 3pm. People talk about the gender pay gap? That’s me. It’s also a choice I made, and I live with it. *My pursuits are male dominated and terribly tedious to women. *Looking out there, which I confess to doing from time to time, if one is looking for the Disney fairytale at 50, there’s something very wrong. |
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Post by alexandra on May 29, 2024 18:46:00 GMT
I appreciate your self-awareness and willingness to share, mrob! I also think the initial question highlights an important point that it can be really tough to leave your own frame of reference and not intuitive to understand how other people may have a completely different set of needs than you do. I used to assume everyone wanted the same type of traditional relationship like I did (if it's the "right" person) because humans must all be wired that way and have that capacity, but it's not the case. There are many different mindsets around connection, companionship, etc., which have nothing to do with intensity of love for another person. Compatibility in those mindsets and needs is most important. I needed to find someone right for me, not assume that I could be right enough for someone to convince them to commit in the way I wanted. Feeling the need to frequently convince generally means something isn't compatible. |
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