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Post by mrob on May 29, 2024 19:03:04 GMT
alexandra, you know when I read my reasons, I wonder how far I’ve really come. Are these not the reasons I’ve used to avoid? I think of traditional roles, and that it’s entirely right for a man to build up a home for a marriage, then go from there. Maybe it’s all a part of the risk? The way I grew up, the risk was always too much, but entirely necessary. I’ve been down a lot of rabbit holes in 9 years. Trying to keep an open mind, and an eye on confirmation bias. Attachment theory blew my mind, and has been the road to many, many other things. I cannot emphasise enough how important this board has been.
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2024 20:33:07 GMT
I actually am with you mrob….i think having done so much work with my therapist and looking back over a cringeworthy list of unhealed avoidant leaning FAs with 2 narcissists in the mix….i am in no rush to date again. After decades of being on the anxious side of the FA spectrum…I am really at peace with my life, my hobbies, my work and my FA cat. I would not say that I am secure….just less anxious and probably more avoidant. |
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Post by alexandra on May 29, 2024 22:56:29 GMT
mrob, I don't know, maybe, maybe not (or a little of both). I think there's something to be said for the fact that you and tnr9 spent years living with violated boundaries. (Not just you two have gone through that obviously, but I'm highlighting it for the purposes of this comment since you both shared.) Now that you know that and know more about how to manage that and what it feels like to have healthier boundaries, wanting to take a breather from the anxiety and stress sounds to me like connection with self and figuring out how to exist with yourself in a neutral or happy state, and not necessarily "avoidant." I think it's okay to just be for a while provided that if you introspect you don't find you're just making excuses because there's still too much fear around emotional intimacy. It's come up before that other anxious posters in the healing process suddenly question if they're turning more avoidant. I think learning how to be in a headspace that isn't anxious can feel different and like your boundaries went way up, so is that normal security or avoidance? It's good to be curious and question that and answer yourself honestly. But two things: just because you feel that way right now doesn't mean you always will. You may keep changing and decide you want closer companionship one day, or not, nothing wrong with either. And, I don't think anyone needs to rush into a relationship later in life if they don't want to. You have very real concerns about financial and housing stability, which are legitimate, and you haven't mentioned looking to have more children. That means there's no rush to enter into a relationship with legal status and implications, because your goals don't require that. In fact, quite the opposite if you're still financially responsible for your child, who you should be protecting. Now, does your hesitance to merge your living situation with someone else reflect a lack of trust in self and others? You don't trust yourself to choose someone who won't be vindictively looking for a payout if things go south? Or to know how you might protect yourself legally? Or distrust in your government to split things up fairly? Or distrust in others that they won't take you for a ride? It could. If any of that distrust exists, the accompanying fear could be avoidance. That's why my answer is maybe (here are spaces that could be avoidance), maybe not (here are spaces that are legitimate concerns and ways in which it's healthy and responsible to protect yourself), or both.
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Post by alexandra on May 29, 2024 23:05:02 GMT
Yay, I love when the FA cat makes a cameo! |
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Post by tnr9 on May 30, 2024 0:47:19 GMT
Yay, I love when the FA cat makes a cameo! He’s doing great ..but..he still bites my ankles when he doesn’t get his way.😂 |
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Post by sunrisequest on May 30, 2024 11:20:26 GMT
It's come up before that other anxious posters in the healing process suddenly question if they're turning more avoidant. I think learning how to be in a headspace that isn't anxious can feel different and like your boundaries went way up, so is that normal security or avoidance? It's good to be curious and question that and answer yourself honestly. There's a diagram that Julie Menanno shares around the grwoth trajectory for attachment wounds and she talks about how anxious attachers will suddenly start using avoidant tactics as they start to heal and start exploring different ways to cope. And visa versa, avoidant attachers might start using some anxious tactics. But this tends to be on the mild end of the spectrum, and when you're at the closest point to gaining security. And it does make sense that once awareness is there and some healing has taken place, that you'd be leaning on some different ways of dealing with any discomfort. I started seeing this in myself, I started using avoidant tactics at times and i found it to be quite funny at times - like, oh, I don't actually want to talk about this, I want to walk away to escape and I can't be bothered with even explaining why... whereas before I'd always want to talk anything and everything through. Having said that, I had a really traumatic relationship experience recently, and I went from a place where I felt the most secure I've ever been, to the most insecure I've ever been.. and it's been interesting (though not in a good way) to experience the off-balance thoughts in my head, and the seemingly poor control over my anxious reactions and responses. It's been like watching a movie starring someone who looks like me because I barely recognise myself. Fresh round of therapy ahead, but luckily with lots of knowlegde about attachment to know what's happened and that it's only temporary. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 30, 2024 17:02:08 GMT
It's come up before that other anxious posters in the healing process suddenly question if they're turning more avoidant. I think learning how to be in a headspace that isn't anxious can feel different and like your boundaries went way up, so is that normal security or avoidance? It's good to be curious and question that and answer yourself honestly. There's a diagram that Julie Menanno shares around the grwoth trajectory for attachment wounds and she talks about how anxious attachers will suddenly start using avoidant tactics as they start to heal and start exploring different ways to cope. And visa versa, avoidant attachers might start using some anxious tactics. But this tends to be on the mild end of the spectrum, and when you're at the closest point to gaining security. And it does make sense that once awareness is there and some healing has taken place, that you'd be leaning on some different ways of dealing with any discomfort. I started seeing this in myself, I started using avoidant tactics at times and i found it to be quite funny at times - like, oh, I don't actually want to talk about this, I want to walk away to escape and I can't be bothered with even explaining why... whereas before I'd always want to talk anything and everything through. Having said that, I had a really traumatic relationship experience recently, and I went from a place where I felt the most secure I've ever been, to the most insecure I've ever been.. and it's been interesting (though not in a good way) to experience the off-balance thoughts in my head, and the seemingly poor control over my anxious reactions and responses. It's been like watching a movie starring someone who looks like me because I barely recognise myself. Fresh round of therapy ahead, but luckily with lots of knowlegde about attachment to know what's happened and that it's only temporary. I do think that deep patterns of insecurity take time to heal….which is why I am taking an extended break. Lots of trauma to still work through…even without a partner. |
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Post by annalee on May 30, 2024 20:46:51 GMT
mrob, why you still don’t want a live in relationship? What is the reason behind it? Is it because you haven’t met the right person you truly love or living in together is unlikely to happen regardless of how you feel towards the person? I assure you it’s not the first one. I’ve had three fantastic women. The demise of second relationship brought me here seeing a pattern and looking for answers. Because the juice is not worth the squeeze. *I don’t feel the need for one. I’m actually complete as I am. Maybe things will change when my daughter grows up. At the moment it would be a real complication. *I was fortunate enough to just catch boomer house prices. I almost lost it once, never again. No prenup would protect me, and neither should it. I should have owned this five times over. Instead, purely because of my attachment style, I’m further in debt and unable to realise my earning power because I want to be a father. I’ve created all sorts of gymnastics to be there at 8.30am and 3pm. People talk about the gender pay gap? That’s me. It’s also a choice I made, and I live with it. *My pursuits are male dominated and terribly tedious to women. *Looking out there, which I confess to doing from time to time, if one is looking for the Disney fairytale at 50, there’s something very wrong. Hi mrob, thank you so much for sharing. I am quite traditional and still believe in moving in together… but only with the right person. |
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