Shocking surprise… the FA ex came back

I think tnr9's comment here is spot on. I would go into a relationship with someone with FA attachment, as long as they were good communicators, aware of their issues, could honestly talk about them and were actively seeking support where needed. Without those things, I don't think any relationship can last, no matter the attachment style on either side.

There is an interesting series that Julie Menanno has just posted on Psychology Today about disorganised attachment. And I feel a lot of support towards the way she frames discussions on this very complex attachment style. There's always hope for change, and it's more than possible... and having one partner with a secure attachment would help things for sure. But it's not the magic bullet, because the work and effort needs to come from the other side as well as yours. You just can't control that side of the fence. And that's the hard part because he made it look like he was in control of that side of the fence... until he clearly wasn't and then it was done.

Ultimately yes, you can forgive your ex - but maybe that's a goal that is a bit longer term, and for now it's about moving through the grief and pain of losing someone you love, and letting go of that false hope you mentinoed... which is where we get stuck I think... especially when it's someone who at times can hold the line and be that person you always wanted... you do in your head keep thinking that maybe they can just keep doing it... this is where all the ifs and buts come in. But if he keeps needing to exit the relationship because he is overwhelmed, it sounds like there's a way to go for him. 

I see this a bit differently. I agree with you that I would not want to date FA again as I've done it so many times and it simply does not work for me specifically. So the answer for you may also be that someone with that set of issues clashes too hard with you, and there's nothing wrong with knowing that for yourself. You are right that you can't change someone else, nor should you try. However, the healthier way to approach a relationship is to see and accept the person for who they are to begin with: select a partner who you do not feel a need to change, as many people will not change, so you're better off finding a good match to begin with. Compatibility is extremely important in serious romantic relationships.

That being said, I completely agree with the two other posters that dating an unaware FA like you did is very, very different than dating an aware FA who is working hard on themselves (like the many on this board who you can read about their growth progress from earlier posts through now)! For example, I have a friend IRL who asked me for some dating advice a few years ago when they began dating someone aware-FA who had been in therapy for a while and was able to very effectively communicate about it. So this new partner had already put a lot of work in before they even met, as they were already self-motivated and committed to healing. However, my friend had been dumped in a very serious relationship (by someone likely unaware FA) not long before which was difficult to separate from due to living together etc. So my advice was basically be aware of the new person's issues and proceed with caution, maybe leave if inconsistencies start coming up. My friend acknowledged this but didn't particularly listen. My friend finished up their own therapy to address their own issues that came up during the broken relationship, and continued dating the aware-FA. They were able to build a great connection together since the partner proved to really take their own FA healing seriously for themselves. The two of them have been happily married for some time and started a family! My friend always wanted kids and was afraid they were too old, and is very satisfied with how it all turned out.

The brutal truth is that my ex is an aware FA. He’s been having regular therapy for over a decade and he knows all these theories inside out (and unfortunately he also used his knowledge against me). I am an aware secure after spending years on therapy and reading countless self development books. At the beginning we both wanted to make our relationship work but when things got challenging he bailed. It’s harder for me to accept the breakup when I did almost everything right by the book and yet we still failed. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion.
After the breakup I went back to see our couple therapist trying to find another way to examine my own issues and hoping to work more on myself but the therapist told me that I did everything a secure partner could and there was nothing else I could have done.

I think one way to determine if therapy is truly working is to ask the person…what have you healed from? What are you still addressing? Core wounds are oftentimes very painful to work through and require that a person is willing to go deeper into his or her past and not simply read about or listen to what he or she should become. If someone is a poor communicator…..that is a huge red flag to healing.

Just to add…I was in therapy for decades….but it was always about how I was in relationships…trying to win or keep or win back a guy who had triggered me anxious.  That did nothing to address the deeper underlying issues from my childhood.  Believe me….i know all too well the therapy that is not really based on healing well.  In the last 4 years….after changing to a somatic experiencing therapist…I have healed my relationship with my mom(current), still working on my experience of her as a little girl, I have truly embraced all aspects of who I am (others cannot make me feel bad about who I am  because I now have a strong love for myself), I am working through my jealousy of my brothers when we were younger (because, as boys, they were treated differently), I am working through the labels that were put upon me as a child….”selfish” being one of them.

It is recommended that people with some desorganized attatcmenstyle and with other kind of trauma work with the survival energy/ the instinctive level first in therapy

Its working with the reptile part of the brain - the fight, flight, freeze, fawn, collapse responses 

A well trained therapist will often work with button up and top down techniques 

I personally I like Dan Siegels hand model demonstration - youtu.be/WkEcpBU3TpE?si=BoaFj7PbMkj5M-dG

Healing on the instinctive level, must come first. It´s survivel energy! When your system is in survival mode, it overrules everything else that you might have learned - your logic and your emotions - and your lovelife!
(just as tnr9 is writing about)

And when you are in one of these states you are not able to use your prefrontal cortex / your logical part of your brain

People with some dezoganised attatmentstyle often experience a lot of confusion and panic. People can have situational disorganized attatchmentstyle mixed with one of the other insecure attatchmentstyle and often also some secure attachment style

IT is not because of the same reasons as the avoidant (always moving avay when the other gets close / or the ambivalent always moving toward when the other moves away) but IT is PANIC - they do not have a strategy - that's why it is called d. They go into panic mode - they want to Be close and distant at the same time. They get frightened at an instinctive level. They can go into flight, and shut down and move away or start a fight. Or suddenly collapse into freeze.
They often cant even remember what just happend or how they have acted or what they have said, because they acted from the primitive reptile part of their brain.
That means sometimes they are shut down and be frozen and not available for contact – they are more in their threat response, so there’s a shutting down of the attachment system and other times there is a lot of hyper-­‐anxiety about what’s going on in the relationship.
Disorganized attachment style arises from fright without solutions.
The feeling of safety and good boundaries is important, for people with some disorganized attachment style 

What if the partner to the disorganized partner is secure:
“In a safe relationsship:
When the desorganised experiencing love, the old system can say: "Oh no ..." They're used to, things goes wrong and they can disappear from the contact in the precent moment. When we're comfortable with our loved ones, so that we can relax and allow us to love/give in to the relationship, it causes the system to say:"Ah, now there's room to take a bite more of the trauma whirlwind"
It's really annoying, because it gets us right into the middle of a trauma whirlwind, where drama and heavy emotions easily arise.”

Other possible reasons for disorganized behavior incl stress - 
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13491/
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/


jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-trauma

Thank you Anne12. The links you sent are very useful. Will check them out.

But it isn’t as simple as that….in order for him to hurt anyone, there has to be someone who is willing to look beyond red flags in the beginning.  Someone who is not addressing his core wounds is going to show that pretty quickly and it takes a partner who is not looking at the reality of who he is but is hoping for a fantasy of what he could become.  

He truly is not your issue anymore and I am glad you are able to see that he truly isn’t in a space to be a good partner now….however, you can’t really speak to how he will be in the future.  What do you plan to do to address your own self esteem issues?  That is what truly matters.