Hold on a second

I don't really see an uproar...maybe there is something I am missing. I actually see a lot of people agreeing and thanking you for this post. I am sorry for the treatment that both of you tgat and Mary and others who may read but not post have received. Insecure is still insecure and I know that as Jeb noted...many people come here seeking answers first about the other person...but then...stay to do work on themselves.

Mary, do you sometimes get the feeling that the AP’s circle around with a warm welcome and invite you to share your thoughts and innermost feelings... so they can correct and enlighten you on their perspective?

Like, somehow it becomes about you needing to answer for how uncomfortable you made them by sharing the thoughts they wanted to hear so they could “understand” i mean correct you?

I see a lot of well intentioned people who aren’t willing to accept the perspective they are dying to hear.


Maybe it isn’t all about point and counterpoint. Maybe i don’t want to walk on eggshells to avoid making someone uncomfortable with a perspective that apparently has been shared by objective experts in the field who concur, at least to some degree.

Yes, it’s exhausting. I would love to get a group of self aware DA’s together for private discussion NOT OF AP’s but our personal journeys learning how to love ourselves and be safe and offer safety to our partners to foster the intimacy we hope to enjoy with a healthy partner, and with ourselves.

I never really wanted to get into the topic of my original post but quickly discovered that it is all i am willing to share on this forum because i am NOT going to explain and justify my every thought to an audience who just doesn’t get it or appreciate it or empathize with it and who needs me to make them feel better about that.
That’s how it feels. Correct me if my feelings are WRONG.
(someone will)

Yes, that’s REALLY how i feel about this forum. and this thread is crazymaking to me.

Tgat. Please stay. The things you've said make a lot of sense and the forum is not helpful if they only tell one side of the story.

Here is a truth.
I have had three authors offer/ request to write my story.
The story of growing up with a narcissistic mother, alcoholic absent father, and the sociopathic targeting i faced in my family of origin.

My mother’s voice is echoed in the abusive posts about DA’s on this forum.

My story continued with ritual abuse in adulthood that left me incapacitated to leave because of sleep deprivation. My ex with BPD broke his foot kicking me, and police eventually rescued me out of a closet wheee i was hiding after a 5 hour narcissistic rage of his. I was shut down.

I have overcome severe PTSD, SEVERE trauma including strangulation every time i tried to exit... and come to a place of true joy and peace and a beautiful life.

My life is so wonderful. Full of contentment and intimacy and love.

My life is full of loving , supportive , give and take relationships. Yes. I am a part of those relationships!
Half of each one!!

I had the thought for a minute, that based on the tone of some of these threads (Dear god the one about DA’s being like wild animals, dear god) if i shared any of MY trauma there would be plenty of sick peolle here thinking i deserved it, being a person with no empathy or love of need for love , and all.
Mary, you were a trooper there. What a doozy.

HAHAHA! Oh my! That was one of the first posts I read on here and I almost left. It upset me a lot. It was just plain wrong.

I mean, to be fair, If a DA is like a wilder-beast trying to destroy people, then couldn't the AP could be likened to a chimp who throws a fit when it doesn't get it's banana.

I started out researching Narcissism, one of my exes might actually be one, but I didn't feel that my recent ex fit that description. (Can I stress enough that I loved that man!). Those videos and forums were dehumanizing and made me feel more anxious. These ARE people we are talking about! DA's FA's AP's and SP's (that's my new fancy lingo for secures we want some letters too! )

If that is how someone feels about another person, it should be easy to walk away. Stop harboring resentment. That is actually an option, believe it or not.

I post as Secure because I truly feel that way now, but it was earned after a lot of hard work (I triggered more anxious in the last relationship but I think I may actually have more fearful-avoidant attachment at my core). I experienced trauma too growing up, it pales in comparison to what you described. But one thing we have in common is growing up with a narcissistic parent. And it is interesting the polar opposite affects that can have on people. In my own family, siblings raised in the same environment have different attachment styles.

Anxious people are severely traumatized too. I think they really do feel a lot for their DA partners but they feel very little for themselves. (That may actually be true of most Avoidant personalities as well.) It is from that emptiness that the anxious act. It is just as controlling, just as offensive and just as wrong as the avoidant behavior that anxious people hate.

WE can't have it OUR way ALL the time (identify with and attachment style. Pick a style any style... and accept that,)

Personally, I'm don't think it is right to generalize and we all have to be careful of that. Putting a label on something does dehuminze, not to be glib, but it's like the number on the clothing of an inmate. No longer a person now just a number. It probably isn't good practice for any of us to ask "Hey DA poster, why do DA's do this or that?!" or vice versa "Hey AP poster, why do AP's do this or that?!" or "Hey SP poster, why do SP's do this or that?!" (see how I worked in those new fancy letters...hahaha) We are not all cut from the same mold. Life experience contributes much to why we are the way we are and no one here shares the same life experience.

Maybe the questions we ask each other need to be posed better. Maybe you can help us here to understand the best way to approach a topic. I know I am more likely to engage in a conversation if I am approached in a respectful way.

For example would it be better to ask a question like this:

"DA poster, have you personally ever felt this way?" (then ask the question)

or

"DA poster, In your experience have you noticed..."

or

"DA poster, how would you feel if someone/I did..."

I can say that I don't feel like I knew how to approach subjects with my FA ex. What works for me is straight forwardness, direct communication. I don't believe that worked for him though so our discussions went nowhere, they were circular.

Would you be willing to tell the forum, To feel more receptive about sharing your thoughts, how would you like to be approached if someone wants to ask you something?

Maybe this needs to be a post all it's own. So that everyone here can really LEARN from our experiences how to better relate to one another.

The same thing that is lacking in an anxious-avoidant relationship could very well be happening here. A lack of respect. Are we here to heal, or are we here to recreate the same toxic relationships we already experience by ruminating on the hurt? We have to be honest with ourselves about that too.

Tgat, I appreciate your valuable point of view here. It *is* really critical for the AP's work toward security to have the perspective of the DA -- both attachment templates are part of everyone's makeup, and learning to put yourself in the other's frame of mind to understand how to get along with / avoid triggering damaging reactions from both types is key to improving relationships. Even people who are largely secure can be driven into defensive corners.

I've taken the rare step of banning the obsessive commenter, who can of course evade that and return using a different IP address.

Your comments suggest it might be worthwhile to start a section for DAs working on their own issues where they can expect less flack from hurt ex-partners of DAs. I'll see what I can do.