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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 22:32:14 GMT
That seems pretty clear to me.
Did you see that Jeb made some support boards? Hopefully you'll be able to get a different kind of support there than you have been getting. That might be more helpful. Possibly if a securely attached person who was once avoidantly attached supports you there then maybe they will be better able to identify with your type of feelings and share their experiences about how they found more of a balance.
I'm doing my best to truly have empathy. It has been a humbling experience but lessons that I needed to learn. Hopefully we'll see you around the board and you will feel comfortable sharing your insights with me on other posts too. I appreciate your input.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 22:40:27 GMT
Thank you froggy. You’ve been awesome. And, while i would say i was once very far away from secure on the spectrum, i am right on the line with secure now in intimate relationships, secure in other areas. I relate most to a secure viewpoint. But i still get triggered into avoidance in intimate relationships. I have so much compassion for myself , that i refuse to be treated with less and also i have deep compassion for anyone else who suffers. This is not a bad thing, compassion for self and others.  I am very direct in my communication for a number of good reasons, but most definitely it’s simply just who and how i am. I think you have just been wonderful and a huge reason i think i want to stay. Because you made it fair right away. And i respect that. Your respect and good boundaries and sincerity about your own process shone through from the beginning. So thank you! From my heart . I have one and you know it! Thanks for that.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 22:43:52 GMT
Mary, do you sometimes get the feeling that the AP’s circle around with a warm welcome and invite you to share your thoughts and innermost feelings... so they can correct and enlighten you on their perspective? Like, somehow it becomes about you needing to answer for how uncomfortable you made them by sharing the thoughts they wanted to hear so they could “understand” i mean correct you? I see a lot of well intentioned people who aren’t willing to accept the perspective they are dying to hear. Maybe it isn’t all about point and counterpoint. Maybe i don’t want to walk on eggshells to avoid making someone uncomfortable with a perspective that apparently has been shared by objective experts in the field who concur, at least to some degree. Yes, it’s exhausting. I would love to get a group of self aware DA’s together for private discussion NOT OF AP’s but our personal journeys learning how to love ourselves and be safe and offer safety to our partners to foster the intimacy we hope to enjoy with a healthy partner, and with ourselves. I never really wanted to get into the topic of my original post but quickly discovered that it is all i am willing to share on this forum because i am NOT going to explain and justify my every thought to an audience who just doesn’t get it or appreciate it or empathize with it and who needs me to make them feel better about that. That’s how it feels. Correct me if my feelings are WRONG. (someone will) Yes, that’s REALLY how i feel about this forum. and this thread is crazymaking to me. I think the acceptance and the respect on this forum varies. Some of the threads get pretty one sided due to the fact that DAs are just outnumbered on this forum and it's a bit like swimming against the current, so I completely understand why you find it exhausting. I think we can all see how the issues/communication between the types plays out on this forum and it's not dissimilar to what is happening with these relationships. I don't know about you, but some of these interactions are reminiscient of interactions with APs in my past. Overall, I agree with you and I'm glad you have made this thread. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 22:44:31 GMT
Froggy, my boundaries were in response to your post but not directed at anything you have said!
I wrote that addressed to anyone who reads it who might like to approach me about me.
Thank you for bringing up my need to be approached differently. Again, you’ve been awesome.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 22:49:58 GMT
Froggy, my boundaries were in response to your post but not directed at anything you have said! I wrote that addressed to anyone who reads it who might like to approach me about me. Thank you for bringing up my need to be approached differently. Again, you’ve been awesome. Oh yeah, I understand that. I took absolutely no offence. You just answered my question, we're cool. When I'm expressing raw emotion I often direct it to whoever appears in my brain at the time I am expressing. I totally get it. No worries at all. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 22:54:56 GMT
Thank you froggy. You’ve been awesome. And, while i would say i was once very far away from secure on the spectrum, i am right on the line with secure now in intimate relationships, secure in other areas. I relate most to a secure viewpoint. But i still get triggered into avoidance in intimate relationships. I have so much compassion for myself , that i refuse to be treated with less and also i have deep compassion for anyone else who suffers. This is not a bad thing, compassion for self and others. I am very direct in my communication for a number of good reasons, but most definitely it’s simply just who and how i am. I think you have just been wonderful and a huge reason i think i want to stay. Because you made it fair right away. And i respect that. Your respect and good boundaries and sincerity about your own process shone through from the beginning. So thank you! From my heart . I have one and you know it! Thanks for that. Awwww, (TEAR) let's not get all sappy now, hahahaha. I think your awesome! and brave! Rock on my friend! |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 22:57:22 GMT
i actually didn’t have a lot of emotion about it i felt more down to business with some parameters that describe how i am willing to engage here and how i’m not. it felt more like making a list of school supplies with the ALL CAPS expressing a little exasperation about “Do we really need to include pencils?!? WHO FORGETS PENCILS? 😂 It just seems logical to me to keep these things in mind on a support forum, Thanks for being supportive. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 23:14:40 GMT
i also experienced countering to points i didn’t even make. I find that in an effort to assert themselves and their needs AP’s tend to not listen well at all to what someone else has to say. unless it supports their views. it’s totally not worth the effort to engage sometimes. and yet they see themselves as so empathetic and caring. ugh. I have commented this very thing myself on this forum as well. There was a previous thread where I was told the exact thing you were, that I was taking it personally. I had only commented my personal perspective on some of the AP responses on this forum. There is no opposition to APs posting DAs are this, DAs are that, but when a DA posts our perspective on AP, there is uproar. I loved your original post. People need to hear both sides! Mary, i totally agree about the variance in understanding and respect among posters and threads. And yes- a lot of interactions i have read on the threads remind me of past AP *shudder* and I addressed being u willing to put the past on repeat in my post on this thread about my boundaries for anyone wanting to address me. I mean, i’m not forced to interact so if it’s going to happen it will be respectfully. Not too much to ask. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2018 0:03:03 GMT
I think "Hold on a sec..." is a rather good meme for all of us to reflect a bit before banging away at our keyboards. I'm going to try to do the same. First, all of us fall along a spectrum, as do our partners. So one person's experience of a DA or AP or Secure partner may be very different from another's. I can see a number of posts describing certain types of Avoidants who are likely to have traits co-morbid with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I can understand where their partners would almost think these partners are completely lacking in empathy, and they are quite right. The pwNPDs I've encountered made life hell for those close to them, as a boss, parent, spouse, etc with no remorse. They are also Avoidant by nature, so Avoidants as a group receive a lot of flak for this group, and the partners are understandably derailed by their experience of abuse. I have encountered both pwNPD and Avoidants like the exDA I am fond of. These are really apples and oranges. I have also encountered suffocating sorts who are relentless with their demand for one's attention, be they friend or family (like the father of the protagonist in Jane Austen's "Emma"), these might be vulnerable Narcissists rather than APs, I'm making a wild guess. I think without understanding the context of each post, the nature of the relationship of each poster, it really is difficult to declare if one partner is "healthy" vs the other, be they DAs, APs or Secures. In my own situation, I adore the exDA, we had so much fun together, but it is very painful to have him pull away immediately and disappear for a month, before he can bear contacting me again. This type of distance and alienation is very hard to take, even if I understand where he comes from and know he is trying his best. He likes me as much as I like him too. I won't say that he's "healthier" than me, he's had two divorces and at least two post-divorce break-ups now. I feel compassion and sadness, not hatred or anger, but even then, I would not hesitate to say that his attachment style is unhealthy. I think most of us are here to learn how to let our ex-partners go, and having the DA's perspective makes it easier to receive closure as most DAs won't go deeper with their partners. This is why there are also a lot of threads and posts that thank the DAs among us. |
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Post by pagesal on Jan 5, 2018 1:10:04 GMT
i get somewhat worried when DAs come on here, because i'm afraid they're going to feel attacked. we need to learn from each other and maintain this as a safe and healthy forum. i came to this forum because i was using a different site before that was becoming pretty hateful. i have learned so much from DAs here and it has helped me tremendously. if it weren't for this forum, i would have taken much much longer to heal. it helped me see and understand my role in the breakup, as painful as it was. i understand people who may feel upset by their ex DA who come on here to vent and are very hurt but we need to be careful because this is not just a forum for APs or secures. as somebody who can become anxious in relationships, i understand the need to vent due to the pain, but it could potentially drive away people on the other end of the spectrum who would benefit from using this forum too. the world needs more people who understand their attachment system and the best way to do that is to keep this a healthy environment and hopefully many others will come across it one day as well.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 5, 2018 1:46:20 GMT
There's something like 8 x more posts on these forums in the avoidant sections than the anxious ones I guess because anxious people wanna know "why???". This has been one of the most interesting threads I have read  In big part because it really addresses the main point of looking at yourself and owning your own crap. If people can begin that process then the forum really is doing it's job. All that said I also think it IS awesome that there's DAs here who extend themselves to explaining what goes on in their minds (I guess this must be kind of exhausting to do) because this does provide obvious relief and also understanding to confused people. As long as no one feels attacked or pressured to defend themselves then I hope it's all good! Certainly this forum made me realise I have some FA leanings that I had no idea were there before! |
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In big part because it really addresses the main point of looking at yourself and owning your own crap. If people can begin that process then the forum really is doing it's job.