Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2018 13:51:09 GMT
Random musings of a DA who is a person.
Some generalizations, some devils advocate. If you can get away with it here I can too.
Participation on this board is voluntary and I realize it’s not the place for me, and that is nobody’s fault. We all have a right to be how we are. But i did have two cents.
It is emotionally lazy to blame the other person in your voluntary relationship for all of the problems and dysfunction.
I have seen a lot of AP individuals dehumanizing their DA partner as unable to love, incapable of love, devoid of feeling or human emotion or conscience. It’s just absurd.
I get that you are hurt and confused, and i also get that you are ignorant and emotionally unhealthy just like your partner.
If you are healthy you will pick a healthy partner.
If you are able to participate in a mature, mutual relationship you will find a healthy partner capable of the same.
Until then, when you put all your energy into trying to get what you want from someone who doesn’t want the same thing you are stuck in your own gross dysfunction.
You can’t blame your partner for how you refuse to acknowledge your own needs and make decisions based on living according to your values.
You aren’t entitled to character assinate someone for not wanting a relationship with you. You can walk if you can see your way to some acceptance of another human as they are. That’s respect for yourself and them.
Perhaps your DA partner will one day find enough healing to gain a relationship with a Secure partner who is capable of truly loving him and providing a safe place to grow.
Maybe your dysfunction makes your union impossible as much as his does. Maybe you are the other side of the coin? Ever heard that?
Maybe you wouldn’t be able to have a safe, healthy relationship with ANY partner because your insecurity and unresolved attachment issues are toxic.
Maybe you are a part of the problem.
Maybe he wants a relationship, but just can’t see it working with you. Maybe he doesn’t have the answers. Maybe he is trying to figure things out too. Maybe things are going good and you get all weird.
Maybe both of you trying to get the other to do what you want is selfish on both parts. Maybe you trying to get things your way according to your needs is unrealistic and controlling and a refusal to accept him.
Accept yourself! Love yourself! Let him do the same. You both suffer because you are both unhealthy. Did you hear that? are you willing to accept that you are not capable of true intimacy if you cannot take care of your self enough to make decisions that support your aspirations for a healthy relationship? Are you responsible for your happiness or is someone else?
Let him focus on his health. You have enough to fix in yourself so you can be autonomous and healthy and find the relationship you claim to want.
Maybe you are extremely hypocritical when you call him selfish and unable to love. Maybe you get awful hateful and demeaning when you’re triggered and maybe you aren’t excused just like he isn’t.
You aren’t a victim. you are a volunteer.
Maybe you are so concerned with what YOU want that you think you are entitled to abandon yourself to try to manipulate him into doing what you want, so you can blame him when you fail. Dehumanize and demonize him and make him a monster, when you abandoned yourself all along. Are you a monster?
Or are you doing the best you can having never been safe and developing coping mechanisms that huet you and others.
Yes, AP, you also drive people away. You also hurt people. Just because you need love doesn’t mean you are loving. Don’t assume just because you crave someone that you know what is best for them and only you can give it.
Who do you think you are?
The intense need for love does not automatically equip someone with the ability to offer it! Believe it!
Maybe unhealthy people are not compatible because they are unhealthy. Maybe if you are unhappy you need to stop looking for someone to completely morph into what you need and become that for yourself so you can find mutual love. And wish your DA partner the best because he deserves that too. You might be ashamed of yourself for what you say about him if you could see inside. He isn’t obliged to open up to you. Show some respect.
Relationships and intimacy aren’t your right, they are an earned privilege and if you want that work hard to get there starting with YOU.
Maybe codependent people spend all their time decoding the people they blame instead of owning responsibility for how they lie, to themselves and others, how they are emotionally dishonest, how their insecurities cause them to demand unreasonable concessions to keep them feeling in when really, the other side of JEALOUSY is CHARACTER ASSASINATION AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE that you inflict on your partner.
Everything you think he is doing to you- maybe you do that to yourself and that’s why he even gets away with it. Do you need to be so concerned with how someone is mistreating you if YOU ARE MISTREATING YOU? It takes deep insight to see it but when you do you will be shocked at how you let yourself down.
Maybe it really is up to you to find a healthy partner.
Maybe if he doesn’t want to grow with you it isn’t his time in his process, or maybe there is something about your neediness that he feels he could never really live with and it doesn’t look like it’s ever going to change. Maybe you two just aren’t meant to be because you aren’t healthy enough. Unhealthy doesn’t equal evil.
Maybe you aren’t as healthy as you think you are.
Maybe he isn’t as evil as you think he is.
I have seen a whole lot of judgement and absolute emotional abuse go down here and it’s just incredible how some AP’s can come on here, having the information that they are unhealthy and that’s why they choose unhealthy partners, and they totally play victim and bash their partner who they claim to have loved.
Let’s start the talk about narcissism but let’s not leave our how Grandiose it is to believe that with an attachment disorder you are the healer of anyone. Heal yourself.
Two sides of the same coin, many will never swallow that.
It really is absurd.
Bash away!
Some generalizations, some devils advocate. If you can get away with it here I can too.
Participation on this board is voluntary and I realize it’s not the place for me, and that is nobody’s fault. We all have a right to be how we are. But i did have two cents.
It is emotionally lazy to blame the other person in your voluntary relationship for all of the problems and dysfunction.
I have seen a lot of AP individuals dehumanizing their DA partner as unable to love, incapable of love, devoid of feeling or human emotion or conscience. It’s just absurd.
I get that you are hurt and confused, and i also get that you are ignorant and emotionally unhealthy just like your partner.
If you are healthy you will pick a healthy partner.
If you are able to participate in a mature, mutual relationship you will find a healthy partner capable of the same.
Until then, when you put all your energy into trying to get what you want from someone who doesn’t want the same thing you are stuck in your own gross dysfunction.
You can’t blame your partner for how you refuse to acknowledge your own needs and make decisions based on living according to your values.
You aren’t entitled to character assinate someone for not wanting a relationship with you. You can walk if you can see your way to some acceptance of another human as they are. That’s respect for yourself and them.
Perhaps your DA partner will one day find enough healing to gain a relationship with a Secure partner who is capable of truly loving him and providing a safe place to grow.
Maybe your dysfunction makes your union impossible as much as his does. Maybe you are the other side of the coin? Ever heard that?
Maybe you wouldn’t be able to have a safe, healthy relationship with ANY partner because your insecurity and unresolved attachment issues are toxic.
Maybe you are a part of the problem.
Maybe he wants a relationship, but just can’t see it working with you. Maybe he doesn’t have the answers. Maybe he is trying to figure things out too. Maybe things are going good and you get all weird.
Maybe both of you trying to get the other to do what you want is selfish on both parts. Maybe you trying to get things your way according to your needs is unrealistic and controlling and a refusal to accept him.
Accept yourself! Love yourself! Let him do the same. You both suffer because you are both unhealthy. Did you hear that? are you willing to accept that you are not capable of true intimacy if you cannot take care of your self enough to make decisions that support your aspirations for a healthy relationship? Are you responsible for your happiness or is someone else?
Let him focus on his health. You have enough to fix in yourself so you can be autonomous and healthy and find the relationship you claim to want.
Maybe you are extremely hypocritical when you call him selfish and unable to love. Maybe you get awful hateful and demeaning when you’re triggered and maybe you aren’t excused just like he isn’t.
You aren’t a victim. you are a volunteer.
Maybe you are so concerned with what YOU want that you think you are entitled to abandon yourself to try to manipulate him into doing what you want, so you can blame him when you fail. Dehumanize and demonize him and make him a monster, when you abandoned yourself all along. Are you a monster?
Or are you doing the best you can having never been safe and developing coping mechanisms that huet you and others.
Yes, AP, you also drive people away. You also hurt people. Just because you need love doesn’t mean you are loving. Don’t assume just because you crave someone that you know what is best for them and only you can give it.
Who do you think you are?
The intense need for love does not automatically equip someone with the ability to offer it! Believe it!
Maybe unhealthy people are not compatible because they are unhealthy. Maybe if you are unhappy you need to stop looking for someone to completely morph into what you need and become that for yourself so you can find mutual love. And wish your DA partner the best because he deserves that too. You might be ashamed of yourself for what you say about him if you could see inside. He isn’t obliged to open up to you. Show some respect.
Relationships and intimacy aren’t your right, they are an earned privilege and if you want that work hard to get there starting with YOU.
Maybe codependent people spend all their time decoding the people they blame instead of owning responsibility for how they lie, to themselves and others, how they are emotionally dishonest, how their insecurities cause them to demand unreasonable concessions to keep them feeling in when really, the other side of JEALOUSY is CHARACTER ASSASINATION AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE that you inflict on your partner.
Everything you think he is doing to you- maybe you do that to yourself and that’s why he even gets away with it. Do you need to be so concerned with how someone is mistreating you if YOU ARE MISTREATING YOU? It takes deep insight to see it but when you do you will be shocked at how you let yourself down.
Maybe it really is up to you to find a healthy partner.
Maybe if he doesn’t want to grow with you it isn’t his time in his process, or maybe there is something about your neediness that he feels he could never really live with and it doesn’t look like it’s ever going to change. Maybe you two just aren’t meant to be because you aren’t healthy enough. Unhealthy doesn’t equal evil.
Maybe you aren’t as healthy as you think you are.
Maybe he isn’t as evil as you think he is.
I have seen a whole lot of judgement and absolute emotional abuse go down here and it’s just incredible how some AP’s can come on here, having the information that they are unhealthy and that’s why they choose unhealthy partners, and they totally play victim and bash their partner who they claim to have loved.
Let’s start the talk about narcissism but let’s not leave our how Grandiose it is to believe that with an attachment disorder you are the healer of anyone. Heal yourself.
Two sides of the same coin, many will never swallow that.
It really is absurd.
Bash away!
