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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 29, 2018 3:47:29 GMT
It's so hard to believe that people with avoidant attachment styles really care. I don't understand how you cannot want someone you claim to love to feel secure. To me, it's sadistic and cruel to watch someone you "love" hurt or want reassurance. To throw them scraps, while you give strangers better treatment. It feels like a game.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 3:56:42 GMT
why would you not want to let go of a person you see as sadistic and cruel and be glad they don’t have power over you? I wouldn’t call it masochistic but certainly holding on to such a person inflicts a lot of harm on oneself.
I don’t find avoidant behavior to be motivated by sadism or cruelty but narcissistic behavior certainly is, maybe you’ve experienced that.
I wish you the best as you heal, breakups are hard.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 4:03:21 GMT
why would you not want to let go of a person you see as sadistic and cruel and be glad they don’t have power over you? I wouldn’t call it masochistic but certainly holding on to such a person inflicts a lot of harm on oneself. I don’t find avoidant behavior to be motivated by sadism or cruelty but narcissistic behavior certainly is, maybe you’ve experienced that. I wish you the best as you heal, breakups are hard. I don't think avoidants are motivated by sadism or cruelty, but it can appear so from an outside perspective. small example, my DA will claim he forgot what happened, when we both know that's just not true. however, he's extremely good to his employees, thinking about their livelihoods and feelings and lives, while seemingly inconsiderate and insensitive to mine. It's important to let his staff know what time he is coming into office so that they can arrange for things, but it's not important enough to tell me what time he's arriving in my city so that I can arrange for my schedule. it seems... incongruous. and it takes alot of security (enough for you, your partner and the relationship), tolerance and patience not to take that sort of behavior personally. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 4:05:39 GMT
bedlam71, I know you are speaking from your own personal experience, but I don't know what that has been. If it feels like a game, it's definitely time to move on. I hope you can leave the pain behind and find a partner that makes you feel secure.
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Post by fatalcharm on Jan 29, 2018 4:09:17 GMT
Avoidants' brain and nervous system are physically wired in a way that processes love differently than secure people. The feelings of love, closeness and intimacy that most people enjoy trigger trigger anxiety in them, and they feel like they have to get away from the situation.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 4:15:15 GMT
why would you not want to let go of a person you see as sadistic and cruel and be glad they don’t have power over you? I wouldn’t call it masochistic but certainly holding on to such a person inflicts a lot of harm on oneself. I don’t find avoidant behavior to be motivated by sadism or cruelty but narcissistic behavior certainly is, maybe you’ve experienced that. I wish you the best as you heal, breakups are hard. I don't think avoidants are motivated by sadism or cruelty, but it can appear so from an outside perspective. small example, my DA will claim he forgot what happened, when we both know that's just not true. however, he's extremely good to his employees, thinking about their livelihoods and feelings and lives, while seemingly inconsiderate and insensitive to mine. It's important to let his staff know what time he is coming into office so that they can arrange for things, but it's not important enough to tell me what time he's arriving in my city so that I can arrange for my schedule. it seems... incongruous. and it takes alot of security (enough for you, your partner and the relationship), tolerance and patience not to take that sort of behavior personally. I would certainly agree that dysfunctional behavior appears different on the outside than what is truly motivating it on the inside. On both sides of the equation. Often the partner’s own dysfunction influences their perception of their partner as well. It definitely takes two to tango, and examining what might be malfunctioning internally and addressing it is so liberating. It doesn’t matter how someone else’s outsides look if you know your own insides and can take care of you. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 4:28:18 GMT
i thought your post made good sense Extremes. As a dbt therapist, we work on getting ppl out of emotion mind and more to the middle, engaging in wise mind. Absence of flexibility (rigidity)causes suffering. Cognitive flexibility increases happiness. We grow by being open to the kernel of Truth in others perspectives. There arey extremes in all these forums. I encourage coming to the middle. And whoever described it as "infected"...that is a judgment and can only fuel negative emotions. I recommend working on your interpretation of things, facts, to help regulate your own emotions. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 4:41:48 GMT
Hey everyone,
This is a really great post thread because it encourages us all to practice patience with our own pain as AP's (even those like me working towards secure) by learning what other more avoidant folks feel and understand. It also opens up a healthy discussion on how both sides get triggered.
Bedlam71 I too have felt those exact same feelings towards my ex in the past 9 months, but the more I work on myself, I realize how my own inner workings have contributed to some of his actions of pulling away and feeling engulfed. I know in my heart he does not mean to hurt me at all, and yes some of the things I see on the surface do seem like a cruel game, however slowing down and giving yourself space to understand first yourself, then him can really go a long way in seeing things clearly.
I know there are many things about him I will never understand, but like tgat said, the more I understand myself, the more liberated and free I feel from his actions. I also can be more empathetic towards him as well, which does take a lot of security, something I am still striving towards.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 4:55:27 GMT
I don't think avoidants are motivated by sadism or cruelty, but it can appear so from an outside perspective. small example, my DA will claim he forgot what happened, when we both know that's just not true. however, he's extremely good to his employees, thinking about their livelihoods and feelings and lives, while seemingly inconsiderate and insensitive to mine. It's important to let his staff know what time he is coming into office so that they can arrange for things, but it's not important enough to tell me what time he's arriving in my city so that I can arrange for my schedule. it seems... incongruous. and it takes alot of security (enough for you, your partner and the relationship), tolerance and patience not to take that sort of behavior personally. I would certainly agree that dysfunctional behavior appears different on the outside than what is truly motivating it on the inside. On both sides of the equation. Often the partner’s own dysfunction influences their perception of their partner as well. It definitely takes two to tango, and examining what might be malfunctioning internally and addressing it is so liberating. It doesn’t matter how someone else’s outsides look if you know your own insides and can take care of you. Absolutely agree that is on both sides of the equation! I think APs come across as selfish and self centered, while APs are thinking that they’re thinking of the other person all the time. Bedlam, I did suspect my DA to have narcissism instead because he seems so cruel to me now when he was paragon of loveliness in the beginning. At the end of the day, i think it’s just reality takes over and small seemingly inconsequential things just blow up into the biggest issues. And when you fight about it, it seems stupid, but the hurt is very real and deep. May you get the strength to heal. Hugs and kisses. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 29, 2018 13:39:40 GMT
Thank you all for your feedback. I agree everything is transactional and I'm in emotion mind when it comes to my ex. We have only officially been broken up for a month but really closer to 2 months. I'm sure she has some narcissistic tendencies and I assume her actions are pretty ingrained as a defense mechanism. I will say, it is hard for me to be empathic with her when she reacts by shutting down, stonewalling, not contacting, etc. because I am just the opposite. It's confusing and seems like a lie when just a month ago she says "I love you. I want you to know that" and then I hear nothing
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 29, 2018 13:42:21 GMT
why would you not want to let go of a person you see as sadistic and cruel and be glad they don’t have power over you? I wouldn’t call it masochistic but certainly holding on to such a person inflicts a lot of harm on oneself. I don’t find avoidant behavior to be motivated by sadism or cruelty but narcissistic behavior certainly is, maybe you’ve experienced that. I wish you the best as you heal, breakups are hard. I don't think avoidants are motivated by sadism or cruelty, but it can appear so from an outside perspective. small example, my DA will claim he forgot what happened, when we both know that's just not true. however, he's extremely good to his employees, thinking about their livelihoods and feelings and lives, while seemingly inconsiderate and insensitive to mine. It's important to let his staff know what time he is coming into office so that they can arrange for things, but it's not important enough to tell me what time he's arriving in my city so that I can arrange for my schedule. it seems... incongruous. and it takes alot of security (enough for you, your partner and the relationship), tolerance and patience not to take that sort of behavior personally. Anxious, how do you not take that personally? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 14:28:10 GMT
I don't think avoidants are motivated by sadism or cruelty, but it can appear so from an outside perspective. small example, my DA will claim he forgot what happened, when we both know that's just not true. however, he's extremely good to his employees, thinking about their livelihoods and feelings and lives, while seemingly inconsiderate and insensitive to mine. It's important to let his staff know what time he is coming into office so that they can arrange for things, but it's not important enough to tell me what time he's arriving in my city so that I can arrange for my schedule. it seems... incongruous. and it takes alot of security (enough for you, your partner and the relationship), tolerance and patience not to take that sort of behavior personally. Anxious, how do you not take that personally? Initially I did. Sometimes I still do. I felt like I was bullied and he was mean, and I was so disrespectful of myself that I didn’t say anything about it which made me feel worse, etc etc etc. I simply forced myself to detach and see this person as is. When I’m detached, I’m strong and I have very little patience for bullshit behavior, in other people and in myself. I find chasing distasteful and a lack of self respect. Reaching out is ok. So I try not to chase. Hey, I’m amazing and I really don’t need to chase after some dude to appreciate me (and he didn’t even do that much work) - there’s a queue forming! Take a queue number! At the end of the day, the behaviours ARE hurtful. They are. Taking it personally just makes you feel worse for nothing, because you take responsibility for being the victim. You blame yourself for many things, including why you didn’t see how mean they were, how you were such a pushover, how you deserved or did not deserve to be treated like this, how do they not see how amazing this is and why is this not enough for them to just accept it immediately. Well, the onus is on them for acting out such behavior so that’s the responsibility they should take - NOT ME. So why should I take it personally and make myself feel worse for being treated badly? Truth be told, it’s not that easy, bedlam. These are thoughts and beliefs to work on, as I move towards secure. when it happens, the hurt is real. And in our efforts to hurt less, we lash out at them and then blame ourselves, then blame them. I relapse, every now and then, even within the day. But It’s ok... the bottom line is, our partners are less than perfect - they’re usually not as great as we think they are. When you see and accept that, you’ll take it less personally. Because... they’re really not gods after all. Just mere mortals. And so are you. Just people trying to do their best in this life the way they know how. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 14:51:44 GMT
I don't see it as not taking it personally. If you are in a relationship with someone, it is personal. I see it as having boundaries and needs and not letting someone trample them. As long as they are realistic and attainable, be true to yourself. Yes, you can choose to be the victim or not. Be the doer, not the reactor.
That being said, if you have a hole so big that no one could ever fill it, then you need to work on yourself first. No one can fill the Grand Canyon.
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 29, 2018 14:54:49 GMT
That was very insightful, anxious. Thank you so much for sharing.
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 29, 2018 14:58:51 GMT
This is true, Mary.
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