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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 15:00:06 GMT
this is a great thread.
❤️
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 15:14:10 GMT
I don't see it as not taking it personally. If you are in a relationship with someone, it is personal. I see it as having boundaries and needs and not letting someone trample them. As long as they are realistic and attainable, be true to yourself. Yes, you can choose to be the victim or not. Be the doer, not the reactor. That being said, if you have a hole so big that no one could ever fill it, then you need to work on yourself first. No one can fill the Grand Canyon. That’s another way of putting it - having boundaries and needs, and not letting people trample on them! Perhaps my AP triggered his DA, but hell, says a lot about you as a partner if all you do is run when I’m being difficult! > this focuses on how you want to be treated and what you can tolerate for yourself. And yes Mary is right - no one can fill the Grand Canyon. The first thing I did after my mini chase, was really just look at myself and think about what the hell is wrong with me for behaving in such a needy, draining manner and for allowing myself to be treated meanly. > this focuses on you as an individual and what you need to work on |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 29, 2018 19:54:39 GMT
I agree, Anxious! It is really anxiety provoking when you can't just express emotions without them shutting down, stonewalling, wanting to end the relationship. It's supposed to be a safe place to vent sometimes. Instead, it's used to push the one they "love" away. It seems everything has to be all light and fluffy and unicorns shooting rainbows out their arses in order to be with an avoidant.
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Post by mrob on Jan 29, 2018 21:15:42 GMT
If I’m chased, I can’t describe the urgency I feel to get out of the situation, no matter how much I love the person. In one situation I thought “Why can’t she leave herself with some dignity”.
What an awful thing to see in print in front of me. The fear and anxiety for me is very real, and it outweighs everything else.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:18:09 GMT
i get that!
dignity comes to mind.
i was just thinking, DA’s can sure look like A$$holes sometimes but you rarely see them lose their dignity.
It’s not saying one is worse than the other it’s just that the whole thing gets way over the top on both sides.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 21:26:29 GMT
Yikes! This is hard to read, but something I actually considered with my ex. I do wonder if he has looked "down" on me for spending time with him, sleeping with him etc as a non-girlfriend. I also wonder if he thinks I have no dignity for drunk texting him (even tho he has done this many times himself) and even more so if my heartfelt email telling him I cannot continue but care for him were also seen as quite pathetic. hmmm
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 29, 2018 21:39:08 GMT
Regardless, both sides need to learn how to validate and come to the middle. I think this is harder for avoidants because well...they avoid.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:45:48 GMT
Yikes! This is hard to read, but something I actually considered with my ex. I do wonder if he has looked "down" on me for spending time with him, sleeping with him etc as a non-girlfriend. I also wonder if he thinks I have no dignity for drunk texting him (even tho he has done this many times himself) and even more so if my heartfelt email telling him I cannot continue but care for him were also seen as quite pathetic. hmmm i know it hurts but as an avoidant i do find those behaviors nauseating when used with me, although i also understand where they come from. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:46:43 GMT
i wouldn’t take advantage of it but the desperation is apparent and makes me uneasy.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:47:35 GMT
Regardless, both sides need to learn how to validate and come to the middle. I think this is harder for avoidants because well...they avoid. of course i always go back to each party working on their own issues before approaching the other party for solutions. |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 29, 2018 21:48:19 GMT
i get that! dignity comes to mind. i was just thinking, DA’s can sure look like A$$holes sometimes but you rarely see them lose their dignity. It’s not saying one is worse than the other it’s just that the whole thing gets way over the top on both sides. Ah, yes, but in the throes of feeling abandoned (and that is exactly how it feels for APs, at least for me, it feel like an urgent need to stave off being abandoned) the AP would rather lose their dignity than “their person”, especially “FOR LOVE.” At least that’s always how I have felt. As for some background, and there are many APs that probably have had this happen, because of my anxious predisposition, I have had many, MANY unrequited loves, many crushes, many times I have allowed myself to be “casual sex girl” (not because I wanted to but because I would rather be close in any way than lose that connection) and many times (especially in high school) I was the “kid sister”... like “you’re so awesome, you’re just like this great kid sister.” I’ve been friendzoned A LOT because, again, I would rather maintain the connection than put up any real boundaries and risk having that person out of my life permanently. So when you say “what about your dignity”... I feel like that is the last thing on a triggered APs list of needs. It sounds pathetic written out, but that’s my truth. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:50:34 GMT
and everyone has to stop expecting better behavior from partners who are unhealthy.
that isn’t reasonable either.
i just think the expectations for the other person are way out of bounds when everyone here is clearly struggling to have a grip on themselves.
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Post by guest on Jan 29, 2018 23:05:37 GMT
Yikes! This is hard to read, but something I actually considered with my ex. I do wonder if he has looked "down" on me for spending time with him, sleeping with him etc as a non-girlfriend. I also wonder if he thinks I have no dignity for drunk texting him (even tho he has done this many times himself) and even more so if my heartfelt email telling him I cannot continue but care for him were also seen as quite pathetic. hmmm Ha... the last time my ex da dumped me she referred to me as her "non-boyfriend".... Whet the f**k is that?! |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 29, 2018 23:09:35 GMT
Yikes! This is hard to read, but something I actually considered with my ex. I do wonder if he has looked "down" on me for spending time with him, sleeping with him etc as a non-girlfriend. I also wonder if he thinks I have no dignity for drunk texting him (even tho he has done this many times himself) and even more so if my heartfelt email telling him I cannot continue but care for him were also seen as quite pathetic. hmmm Ha... the last time my ex da dumped me she referred to me as her "non-boyfriend".... Whet the f**k is that?! I get my “special friend” a lot. We’ve been sleeping together and saying “I love you” for ten months, and I’m just his “special friend.” What even is that? But when I called us “fwb” and “f*ckbuddies” he was offended and said “but we’re so much more than that... that’s not fair.” |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 23:13:48 GMT
all of these relationships require voluntary participation in both sides.
there are no hostages.
i am going to shut up now but i take this so seriously.
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