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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 1:45:25 GMT
It's interesting, I felt the same "Stockholm syndrome" when with an AP. I was a hostage to the constant calls, the texts, the "where are yous", the "where are you going", the pleas, the tantrums. Of course I ran away, lol. So the question is...why do avoidants tend to come back to the relationship? Why is it when the anxious stop chasing, avoidants approach, seeming open to a "normal" relationship, leading the anxious person to believe they can share themselves openly, only to have the avoidant to run again. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel there is a sense of superiority, my ex included, regarding not "chasing." The other side of that are ppl that have the courage to be vulnerable. The more I think about this superiority comment. I don't feel superior at all, I feel like a confused, cold bitch. My partner is desperately looking for something and I don't know what it is. I want to help them find it, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't know how to soothe them and make it better. I run, because I don't know what else to do and everything I have tried in the past never worked. I do like my DA side, but I also wish I could find it easier to be more vulnerable. I just haven't found that safe person to do that with. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 1:47:25 GMT
yes the violence came from comorbid BPD i am sure. I have had a good recovery from PTSD and haven’t had any issues with violence and control in more recent relationships. and i don’t live haunted by it all. I’ve received a lot of support and taken my recovery very seriously which will always impact the tone of my posts. but it comes from a good place and it’s just who i am.  |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 1:50:59 GMT
Sorry to hear you had to go through that Mary Thank you bip. Just sitting down to join this discussion again. I am very sorry to hear this as well Mary. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 1:52:32 GMT
i actually can speak to Stockholm Syndrome. unfortunately. Also my last ex was Anxious with a side of BPD and he strangled me every time i tried to leave (actually not every time, just like 4) and broke his foot kicking me because he was triggered by my retreat. I unfortunately also have been held at gunpoint but only for like 5 hours and then i was released. I am sorry i missed the jovial tone of the thread, i totally misread it, probably because i am going through the grief of my own breakup. But still I say, no hostages. i could be wrong but that isn’t what i have picked up so far. anyway, my ex is calling and he is DA lol. but, it’s nothing like the past because i have come a long way, just sad and something to accept. G’nite all, i appreciate you Omg. I’m so sorry to hear that - this doesn’t sound like just attachment issues, but serious deep seated issues! That’s beyond the pale really, and I’m Glad you’re out of it. Hope this DA calling is a much more decent person. And all the best. Tgat, I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain you had to endure. Makes me even more in awe of your strength. I wish you so much light and love in your healing process. I'm really glad you are here with us. |
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Post by guest on Jan 30, 2018 1:53:37 GMT
i actually can speak to Stockholm Syndrome. unfortunately. Also my last ex was Anxious with a side of BPD and he strangled me every time i tried to leave (actually not every time, just like 4) and broke his foot kicking me because he was triggered by my retreat. I unfortunately also have been held at gunpoint but only for like 5 hours and then i was released. I am sorry i missed the jovial tone of the thread, i totally misread it, probably because i am going through the grief of my own breakup. But still I say, no hostages. i could be wrong but that isn’t what i have picked up so far. anyway, my ex is calling and he is DA lol. but, it’s nothing like the past because i have come a long way, just sad and something to accept. G’nite all, i appreciate you Aw man, I'm so sorry Tgat. My heart goes out to you, I didn't mean to take it there, and I definitely didn't mean to make light of anyone else's pain. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 1:54:37 GMT
Hey everyone,
I think this thread is a very healthy one.
I have learned so much more about my AP tendencies and I agree that both sides do not always show up in the best light.
But you know who does show up well? ALL OF US!!!
We are striving to understand not only ourselves, but each other. I'm impressed with this group and grateful to be apart of it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 1:58:10 GMT
I’m so grateful too.
I really want to find love . in a healthy way and i have come so far against terrible odds.
it means so much to me.
I am going to keep showing up, and i really am thankful for everybody posting here, you don’t even know. Well, i bet you do. ❤️
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 2:10:14 GMT
So the question is...why do avoidants tend to come back to the relationship? Why is it when the anxious stop chasing, avoidants approach, seeming open to a "normal" relationship, leading the anxious person to believe they can share themselves openly, only to have the avoidant to run again. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel there is a sense of superiority, my ex included, regarding not "chasing." The other side of that are ppl that have the courage to be vulnerable. The more I think about this superiority comment. I don't feel superior at all, I feel like a confused, cold bitch. My partner is desperately looking for something and I don't know what it is. I want to help them find it, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't know how to soothe them and make it better. I run, because I don't know what else to do and everything I have tried in the past never worked. I do like my DA side, but I also wish I could find it easier to be more vulnerable. I just haven't found that safe person to do that with. Hi Mary, that’s interesting what you said. For me, when I ask for a hug or a conversation or some connecting time, sometimes my DA acts like it’s a chore even if he responds. That makes me triggered and feel like a burden, and very much unloved. For me, I think what I am looking for, is simply a partner who will connect with me without feeling like I’m a burden. He simply needs to respond by being there with me. The ability for my partner to respond to my emotional bids is what makes the relationship safe for me. Is this what is vulnerable for you? What would a “safe” person look or feel like to you? What does “safe” mean? |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 30, 2018 2:15:13 GMT
So the question is...why do avoidants tend to come back to the relationship? Why is it when the anxious stop chasing, avoidants approach, seeming open to a "normal" relationship, leading the anxious person to believe they can share themselves openly, only to have the avoidant to run again. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel there is a sense of superiority, my ex included, regarding not "chasing." The other side of that are ppl that have the courage to be vulnerable. The more I think about this superiority comment. I don't feel superior at all, I feel like a confused, cold bitch. My partner is desperately looking for something and I don't know what it is. I want to help them find it, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't know how to soothe them and make it better. I run, because I don't know what else to do and everything I have tried in the past never worked. I do like my DA side, but I also wish I could find it easier to be more vulnerable. I just haven't found that safe person to do that with. Thank you for sharing how you experience it. Definitely helps me in my understanding. My comment was based on my interpretation of some earlier comments in the thread As well as some things my ex has said in the past. |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 30, 2018 2:15:20 GMT
So the question is...why do avoidants tend to come back to the relationship? Why is it when the anxious stop chasing, avoidants approach, seeming open to a "normal" relationship, leading the anxious person to believe they can share themselves openly, only to have the avoidant to run again. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel there is a sense of superiority, my ex included, regarding not "chasing." The other side of that are ppl that have the courage to be vulnerable. The more I think about this superiority comment. I don't feel superior at all, I feel like a confused, cold bitch. My partner is desperately looking for something and I don't know what it is. I want to help them find it, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't know how to soothe them and make it better. I run, because I don't know what else to do and everything I have tried in the past never worked. I do like my DA side, but I also wish I could find it easier to be more vulnerable. I just haven't found that safe person to do that with. Tgat- I’m very sorry you went through that. Thankfully I’ve never been with a man that was that violent. I did grow up in a violent family and I would never want anyone to fear someone they love. Mary, this is what I think is so interesting about the AP/Avoidant dynamic and why, if both parties involved were willing to take stock and learn from each other, I feel there’s such a tremendous potential for growth there. I wish I was less AP-pathetic and desperate and more Avoidant-style restrained and measured, and LESS emotional ALL THE TIME. 😘 |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 30, 2018 2:17:25 GMT
Tgat, I'm so sorry you are hurting.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 2:51:44 GMT
Tgat, I'm so sorry you are hurting. thank you bedlam, i’m gonna be ok |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 4:57:15 GMT
The more I think about this superiority comment. I don't feel superior at all, I feel like a confused, cold bitch. My partner is desperately looking for something and I don't know what it is. I want to help them find it, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't know how to soothe them and make it better. I run, because I don't know what else to do and everything I have tried in the past never worked. I do like my DA side, but I also wish I could find it easier to be more vulnerable. I just haven't found that safe person to do that with. Hi Mary, that’s interesting what you said. For me, when I ask for a hug or a conversation or some connecting time, sometimes my DA acts like it’s a chore even if he responds. That makes me triggered and feel like a burden, and very much unloved. For me, I think what I am looking for, is simply a partner who will connect with me without feeling like I’m a burden. He simply needs to respond by being there with me. The ability for my partner to respond to my emotional bids is what makes the relationship safe for me. Is this what is vulnerable for you? What would a “safe” person look or feel like to you? What does “safe” mean? My first ex (from 10 years ago) was AP, but really beyond AP and he was a burden. It's not the emotional closeness that I fear, it's the dependency of the other person on me to feel ok. It's the feeling that if I don't do something (for example respond to calls right away) that this person will go off the deep end in a serious way. That's the burden. It's the feeling that the other person depends on me for their emotional state. If I know the other person just loves being with me, but is fine on their own as well, that feels safe to me. In the past, the emotional bids were not always made known to me. If someone says to me, I need a hug. That's no problem. It's direct and I know what they are asking for. But if someone is screaming at me all the time, because I don't call enough or answer fast enough or whatever enough, I don't get it. I know at that point, it's not even about me anymore. It's about them needing something to feel ok and I don't even know what that is, because it seems like nothing I do can satisfy it. I think people can be very emotionally connected, but it doesn't have to be 20 texts a day or 2 hour phone calls every day. Those things are physical connections to me, not emotional. You do need some of the physical connections of course, but I don't think it needs to be over the top to have a deep emotional connection. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 5:01:36 GMT
Hi Mary, that’s interesting what you said. For me, when I ask for a hug or a conversation or some connecting time, sometimes my DA acts like it’s a chore even if he responds. That makes me triggered and feel like a burden, and very much unloved. For me, I think what I am looking for, is simply a partner who will connect with me without feeling like I’m a burden. He simply needs to respond by being there with me. The ability for my partner to respond to my emotional bids is what makes the relationship safe for me. Is this what is vulnerable for you? What would a “safe” person look or feel like to you? What does “safe” mean? My first ex (from 10 years ago) was AP, but really beyond AP and he was a burden. It's not the emotional closeness that I fear, it's the dependency of the other person on me to feel ok. It's the feeling that if I don't do something (for example respond to calls right away) that this person will go off the deep end in a serious way. That's the burden. It's the feeling that the other person depends on me for their emotional state. If I know the other person just loves being with me, but is fine on their own as well, that feels safe to me. In the past, the emotional bids were not always made known to me. If someone says to me, I need a hug. That's no problem. It's direct and I know what they are asking for. But if someone is screaming at me all the time, because I don't call enough or answer fast enough or whatever enough, I don't get it. I know at that point, it's not even about me anymore. It's about them needing something to feel ok and I don't even know what that is, because it seems like nothing I do can satisfy it. I think people can be very emotionally connected, but it doesn't have to be 20 texts a day or 2 hour phone calls every day. Those things are physical connections to me, not emotional. You do need some of the physical connections of course, but I don't think it needs to be over the top to have a deep emotional connection. Mary, This is so valuable to hear and understand. Honestly, it makes a lot of sense to me. Even as someone with AP style, it resonated in many ways. WOW. thanks. I appreciate reading this. I can recall times I wasn't clear in just needing a hug and instead made my ex responsible for my overall emotional well-being and good lord what a burden on him! He never asked for that. Only on occasion and when he did, i felt honored in a way. But did not see how my needs drove my overall desire to just be with him. And yeah, I see now how there was no real way for him to understand or know what to do. I just kept nodding reading your post as it was a much needed eye opener. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 5:18:20 GMT
kristyrose, you know that is the first time I have really been able to write it down in an understandable way. Reading and writing on here has really helped me put into words what I've been thinking. It makes it so much clearer for me too the more I think and write about it. Thank you to all who post on here !
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