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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 29, 2018 23:48:03 GMT
Regardless, both sides need to learn how to validate and come to the middle. I think this is harder for avoidants because well...they avoid. of course i always go back to each party working on their own issues before approaching the other party for solutions. [b I think it's both. Work on yourself AND work collaboratively. I think that is what's frustrating for those of us that lean towards anxious. There is no collaboration. One of the biggest predictors for a relationship to end is stonewalling, silent treatment, shutting down. There has to be dialogue. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 0:05:51 GMT
of course i always go back to each party working on their own issues before approaching the other party for solutions. [b I think it's both. Work on yourself AND work collaboratively. I think that is what's frustrating for those of us that lean towards anxious. There is no collaboration. One of the biggest predictors for a relationship to end is stonewalling, silent treatment, shutting down. There has to be dialogue. sure, but when your partner isn’t healthy enough or willing, then acceptance is probably the way to go. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 30, 2018 0:18:17 GMT
[b I think it's both. Work on yourself AND work collaboratively. I think that is what's frustrating for those of us that lean towards anxious. There is no collaboration. One of the biggest predictors for a relationship to end is stonewalling, silent treatment, shutting down. There has to be dialogue. sure, but when your partner isn’t healthy enough or willing, then acceptance is probably the way to go. True. It really does create more suffering when we don't accept what is. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 0:27:15 GMT
all of these relationships require voluntary participation in both sides. there are no hostages. i am going to shut up now but i take this so seriously. lighten up Tgat, lets keeps this fun, Although I don't always see it you're way I like you're posts and that you're here in the conversation. I do look back with laughter at he whole "non-boyfriend" thing, Humor is such an empowering and soothing mechanism for me. Even now when I see my ex out in our circle of friends and I make jokes about her absurd avoidant behavior, the "non boyfriend" thing, or saying how I look like on paper, it drives her nuts, I'm not pursuing her anymore, so what's she gonna do, dump me as her non-non boyfriend, talk to me even less. You say "no hostages" and you have a point, we're all responsible for ourselves but I'm sure i'm not the only AP out there who feels like they're coming out of Stockholm syndrome : It's interesting, I felt the same "Stockholm syndrome" when with an AP. I was a hostage to the constant calls, the texts, the "where are yous", the "where are you going", the pleas, the tantrums. Of course I ran away, lol. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 0:35:19 GMT
Regardless, both sides need to learn how to validate and come to the middle. I think this is harder for avoidants because well...they avoid. I think it's hard for both to control the knee jerk reactions, but whether it's harder for one or the other I think depends on the individual. My ex couldn't control his pushing even when the law was involved. His constant phone calls were considered harrasment even though his calls were to tell me he loved me. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 30, 2018 0:35:27 GMT
lighten up Tgat, lets keeps this fun, Although I don't always see it you're way I like you're posts and that you're here in the conversation. I do look back with laughter at he whole "non-boyfriend" thing, Humor is such an empowering and soothing mechanism for me. Even now when I see my ex out in our circle of friends and I make jokes about her absurd avoidant behavior, the "non boyfriend" thing, or saying how I look like on paper, it drives her nuts, I'm not pursuing her anymore, so what's she gonna do, dump me as her non-non boyfriend, talk to me even less. You say "no hostages" and you have a point, we're all responsible for ourselves but I'm sure i'm not the only AP out there who feels like they're coming out of Stockholm syndrome : It's interesting, I felt the same "Stockholm syndrome" when with an AP. I was a hostage to the constant calls, the texts, the "where are yous", the "where are you going", the pleas, the tantrums. Of course I ran away, lol. So the question is...why do avoidants tend to come back to the relationship? Why is it when the anxious stop chasing, avoidants approach, seeming open to a "normal" relationship, leading the anxious person to believe they can share themselves openly, only to have the avoidant to run again. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel there is a sense of superiority, my ex included, regarding not "chasing." The other side of that are ppl that have the courage to be vulnerable. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 30, 2018 0:40:04 GMT
This has been a great thread. Very insightful. Thank you all for sharing.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 0:42:14 GMT
It's interesting, I felt the same "Stockholm syndrome" when with an AP. I was a hostage to the constant calls, the texts, the "where are yous", the "where are you going", the pleas, the tantrums. Of course I ran away, lol. So the question is...why do avoidants tend to come back to the relationship? Why is it when the anxious stop chasing, avoidants approach, seeming open to a "normal" relationship, leading the anxious person to believe they can share themselves openly, only to have the avoidant to run again. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel there is a sense of superiority, my ex included, regarding not "chasing." The other side of that are ppl that have the courage to be vulnerable. I have always held the belief that FAs come back, but DAs do not. I don't know if that has any merit, but I am DA and I did not return to the relationship. I think that FAs have both the avoidant and anxious side, so when they are not being chased, the anxious side leads them back. This is just my opinion, because I do not have the anxious side. I don't know if there is a sense of superiority about it. I never felt superior. I don't chase, because I don't feel the need to (just not part of my inner workings I guess) and I have never had a partner that I needed to chase. I have always been the mouse and that script has never flipped for me. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 0:50:46 GMT
Yikes! This is hard to read, but something I actually considered with my ex. I do wonder if he has looked "down" on me for spending time with him, sleeping with him etc as a non-girlfriend. I also wonder if he thinks I have no dignity for drunk texting him (even tho he has done this many times himself) and even more so if my heartfelt email telling him I cannot continue but care for him were also seen as quite pathetic. hmmm You know, my DA is undergoing a divorce and his Wife is a super chaser for many years. In fact, she still is which is why it’s taking so long. He wants to avoid her emotional instability (apparently not very mentally stable or using it as a weapon eg. threatening suicide or to hurt the kids) so he simply stonewalls her and functions to manage the kids. Still msgs him lovey dovey msgs when he never ever replies or responds to her bids. When I first knew about it, ny first few thoughts were: does she have no self respect? Is he even that great? Does he have no balls to just cut it off? There’s a lack of dignity pretty much on every front - even the DA. So when I started to chase, I quickly snapped out of it because I didn’t want to be like her. This trip, I failed and chased for a conversation a little. But instead of getting sad that I had to chase, I simply got annoyed and told him to get lost if he doesn’t want to talk. |
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Post by guest on Jan 30, 2018 0:59:15 GMT
Regardless, both sides need to learn how to validate and come to the middle. I think this is harder for avoidants because well...they avoid. I think it's hard for both to control the knee jerk reactions, but whether it's harder for one or the other I think depends on the individual. My ex couldn't control his pushing even when the law was involved. His constant phone calls were considered harrasment even though his calls were to tell me he loved me. Sorry to hear you had to go through that Mary |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 1:05:58 GMT
Yikes! This is hard to read, but something I actually considered with my ex. I do wonder if he has looked "down" on me for spending time with him, sleeping with him etc as a non-girlfriend. I also wonder if he thinks I have no dignity for drunk texting him (even tho he has done this many times himself) and even more so if my heartfelt email telling him I cannot continue but care for him were also seen as quite pathetic. hmmm You know, my DA is undergoing a divorce and his Wife is a super chaser for many years. In fact, she still is which is why it’s taking so long. He wants to avoid her emotional instability (apparently not very mentally stable or using it as a weapon eg. threatening suicide or to hurt the kids) so he simply stonewalls her and functions to manage the kids. Still msgs him lovey dovey msgs when he never ever replies or responds to her bids. When I first knew about it, ny first few thoughts were: does she have no self respect? Is he even that great? Does he have no balls to just cut it off? There’s a lack of dignity pretty much on every front - even the DA. So when I started to chase, I quickly snapped out of it because I didn’t want to be like her. This trip, I failed and chased for a conversation a little. But instead of getting sad that I had to chase, I simply got annoyed and told him to get lost if he doesn’t want to talk. I agree. There are not so proud moments on both sides of the coin. I agree with tgat, the DA is more likely to be seen as an a-hole and the AP as desperate. Neither is very flattering. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 1:06:55 GMT
I think it's hard for both to control the knee jerk reactions, but whether it's harder for one or the other I think depends on the individual. My ex couldn't control his pushing even when the law was involved. His constant phone calls were considered harrasment even though his calls were to tell me he loved me. Sorry to hear you had to go through that Mary Thank you bip. |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 30, 2018 1:06:58 GMT
lighten up Tgat, lets keeps this fun, Although I don't always see it you're way I like you're posts and that you're here in the conversation. I do look back with laughter at he whole "non-boyfriend" thing, Humor is such an empowering and soothing mechanism for me. Even now when I see my ex out in our circle of friends and I make jokes about her absurd avoidant behavior, the "non boyfriend" thing, or saying how I look like on paper, it drives her nuts, I'm not pursuing her anymore, so what's she gonna do, dump me as her non-non boyfriend, talk to me even less. You say "no hostages" and you have a point, we're all responsible for ourselves but I'm sure i'm not the only AP out there who feels like they're coming out of Stockholm syndrome : It's interesting, I felt the same "Stockholm syndrome" when with an AP. I was a hostage to the constant calls, the texts, the "where are yous", the "where are you going", the pleas, the tantrums. Of course I ran away, lol. I know this works on both sides... but in the same way I get together with other moms and b*tch about my kids, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a venty little b*tch session for any of the attachment styles when we get together with others of the same style. I think we’re venting about the pitfalls of our own style equally as much as we are about the opposite style. It’s just human nature. I, for one, am happy to hear both sides of the coin, and I’m happy that we’re allowed to vent AND learn and grow. It adds a needed bit of levity to all the heaviness or growing yourself as a human being. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 1:35:24 GMT
i actually can speak to Stockholm Syndrome. unfortunately. Also my last ex was Anxious with a side of BPD and he strangled me every time i tried to leave (actually not every time, just like 4) and broke his foot kicking me because he was triggered by my retreat. I unfortunately also have been held at gunpoint but only for like 5 hours and then i was released. I am sorry i missed the jovial tone of the thread, i totally misread it, probably because i am going through the grief of my own breakup. But still I say, no hostages. i could be wrong but that isn’t what i have picked up so far. anyway, my ex is calling and he is DA lol. but, it’s nothing like the past because i have come a long way, just sad and something to accept. G’nite all, i appreciate you  |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 1:42:23 GMT
i actually can speak to Stockholm Syndrome. unfortunately. Also my last ex was Anxious with a side of BPD and he strangled me every time i tried to leave (actually not every time, just like 4) and broke his foot kicking me because he was triggered by my retreat. I unfortunately also have been held at gunpoint but only for like 5 hours and then i was released. I am sorry i missed the jovial tone of the thread, i totally misread it, probably because i am going through the grief of my own breakup. But still I say, no hostages. i could be wrong but that isn’t what i have picked up so far. anyway, my ex is calling and he is DA lol. but, it’s nothing like the past because i have come a long way, just sad and something to accept. G’nite all, i appreciate you Omg. I’m so sorry to hear that - this doesn’t sound like just attachment issues, but serious deep seated issues! That’s beyond the pale really, and I’m Glad you’re out of it. Hope this DA calling is a much more decent person. And all the best. |
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