FA Patterns in relationships
Feb 2, 2018 20:58:11 GMT
fatalcharm, BreakingTheSpell, and 12 more like this
Post by yasmin on Feb 2, 2018 20:58:11 GMT
I just touched on this in another thread and thought as so many people (me included) are dealing with FA relationship confusions it might be helpful to hear a little from an FA on how we swing between the two states and why.
I can't speak for every FA, and I am sure each one has different dominance of styles as well as different triggers and timings with things, but maybe sharing my own pattern might help you to discern and understand that of your partner or even of yourself because it is very complex emotionally to be always drifting between really wanting a relationship and love but also being terrified of it.
The attraction phase
I don't think at this point we like anyone who plays hard to get or acts disinterested (we know we need someone who is into us a lot) but we also don't like anyone who is too full on or too much. This is a tough stage if you're attracted to an FA because they will want a clear statement that you really like them and don't have eyes for anyone else; but they will also want to not feel like you are OTT or suffocating them and they will get quite turned off in this phase if you make any demands. I think any neediness or being hit up too much with messages or worst of all being questioned on something (like jealous behavior) will make them walk away. During this phase, I think FAs are very likely to reject potential relationships for a huge variety of stupid reasons because they kind of subconsciously want to avoid relationships and think every person they care for is going to hurt them. We are suspicious of anyone nice who likes us. I have had ex boyfriends describe this courtship phase with me as being like "running a gauntlet" where they had to just not give up and persevere. The average time it takes a guy from asking me out to me going on a date is about 6 months. For me this is like a test of how likely he is to not abandon me.
Early dating
During this stage, it's so vulnerable for an FA. Again, they still can't stand clingy or needy or pressure or moving too fast and any of that will trigger avoidant feelings and behavior, but bafflingly they also need consistency, assurance, certainty. So they need to feel very much like they are investing in someone who really likes them but at the same time is not needy. During this phase we are super sensitive like an AP to things like changes in mood of who we are dating or if someone doesn't text one day. I find this stage should be all fun and butterflies and for me it's pretty stressful. During this phase, if the person is very stable, steady and consistent I am fine but if they are at all confusing or weird or not as into me as I need then the AP side comes out and I will begin checking my phone every ten minutes and being generally very anxious and crazy. At this point, my signature move is to break up with someone before they break up with me. I think the last person I dated (he was also FA) I broke up with him after every single date we had. For no real reason, other than that his FA side made me feel rejected.
The comfortable part
For me, once I know for sure the person likes me, I settle down with them and providing they don't smother me OR act hot and cold or confusing, then I can be in a normal relationship and be really happy. For me all AP and FA behaviours completely disappear during this phase and I become very secure. I am able to be loving, easygoing, trusting and happy and don't have any extra needs.
The commitment part
I am not sure what happens to other FAs, but at the commitment part where this involves me actually becoming intertwined with someone (like living together or making the relationship public or meeting their family) I becomes extremely avoidant. I am not sure why, even if I love the person this happens to me. I remember the day I moved in with my husband my entire body was covered in stress hives that popped up. It's very, very stressful for me. And when I am like this I can be cold, distant, rejecting and even a little mean but what I really need is a hug and to be told the simple words "I am never going anywhere". Calm, reassurance.
Long term
Again, once committed and settled, I become very secure and other behaviors pretty much go away. Actually during this phase, because I feel safe and know the person is there no matter what I actually become one of the most chilled partners ever and I can withstand practically anything that gets thrown at me without being spooked. If anything, during this phase I think I am more settled and chilled than any of my friends. One of those women who doesn't get jealous or needy or walk away from arguments etc. Very healthy place for me
Breakups
I think this is a strange thing where my FA nature shows, because if I breakup with someone who has hurt me or scared me or made me feel insecure then I honestly can cut them off for dead and actually feel relief that the course of anxiety and fear has left the room. I just stopped seeing an FA i was in love with, and I felt mainly relief. Relief because the source of my anxiety is gone, which is actually more powerful than the missing him. On the other hand, if the breakup is with someone I really loved who was good to me, then I can take this very painfully and even take years to recover as it shakes my core fear of abandonment and confirms to me that I am not good enough and that everyone will leave me.
As an interesting by product of the FA attachment style: We breakup for no reason. this is our signature self defence move. We break up so we can avoid. So if you are dating an FA and they frequently breakup with you, then believe me this means they REALLY like you and feel very, very vulnerable.
I hope this helps anyone reading, but remember this is only one FA perspective and others will be different. We are strange creatures that need so much reassurance and security but also push others away.
I can't speak for every FA, and I am sure each one has different dominance of styles as well as different triggers and timings with things, but maybe sharing my own pattern might help you to discern and understand that of your partner or even of yourself because it is very complex emotionally to be always drifting between really wanting a relationship and love but also being terrified of it.
The attraction phase
I don't think at this point we like anyone who plays hard to get or acts disinterested (we know we need someone who is into us a lot) but we also don't like anyone who is too full on or too much. This is a tough stage if you're attracted to an FA because they will want a clear statement that you really like them and don't have eyes for anyone else; but they will also want to not feel like you are OTT or suffocating them and they will get quite turned off in this phase if you make any demands. I think any neediness or being hit up too much with messages or worst of all being questioned on something (like jealous behavior) will make them walk away. During this phase, I think FAs are very likely to reject potential relationships for a huge variety of stupid reasons because they kind of subconsciously want to avoid relationships and think every person they care for is going to hurt them. We are suspicious of anyone nice who likes us. I have had ex boyfriends describe this courtship phase with me as being like "running a gauntlet" where they had to just not give up and persevere. The average time it takes a guy from asking me out to me going on a date is about 6 months. For me this is like a test of how likely he is to not abandon me.
Early dating
During this stage, it's so vulnerable for an FA. Again, they still can't stand clingy or needy or pressure or moving too fast and any of that will trigger avoidant feelings and behavior, but bafflingly they also need consistency, assurance, certainty. So they need to feel very much like they are investing in someone who really likes them but at the same time is not needy. During this phase we are super sensitive like an AP to things like changes in mood of who we are dating or if someone doesn't text one day. I find this stage should be all fun and butterflies and for me it's pretty stressful. During this phase, if the person is very stable, steady and consistent I am fine but if they are at all confusing or weird or not as into me as I need then the AP side comes out and I will begin checking my phone every ten minutes and being generally very anxious and crazy. At this point, my signature move is to break up with someone before they break up with me. I think the last person I dated (he was also FA) I broke up with him after every single date we had. For no real reason, other than that his FA side made me feel rejected.
The comfortable part
For me, once I know for sure the person likes me, I settle down with them and providing they don't smother me OR act hot and cold or confusing, then I can be in a normal relationship and be really happy. For me all AP and FA behaviours completely disappear during this phase and I become very secure. I am able to be loving, easygoing, trusting and happy and don't have any extra needs.
The commitment part
I am not sure what happens to other FAs, but at the commitment part where this involves me actually becoming intertwined with someone (like living together or making the relationship public or meeting their family) I becomes extremely avoidant. I am not sure why, even if I love the person this happens to me. I remember the day I moved in with my husband my entire body was covered in stress hives that popped up. It's very, very stressful for me. And when I am like this I can be cold, distant, rejecting and even a little mean but what I really need is a hug and to be told the simple words "I am never going anywhere". Calm, reassurance.
Long term
Again, once committed and settled, I become very secure and other behaviors pretty much go away. Actually during this phase, because I feel safe and know the person is there no matter what I actually become one of the most chilled partners ever and I can withstand practically anything that gets thrown at me without being spooked. If anything, during this phase I think I am more settled and chilled than any of my friends. One of those women who doesn't get jealous or needy or walk away from arguments etc. Very healthy place for me
Breakups
I think this is a strange thing where my FA nature shows, because if I breakup with someone who has hurt me or scared me or made me feel insecure then I honestly can cut them off for dead and actually feel relief that the course of anxiety and fear has left the room. I just stopped seeing an FA i was in love with, and I felt mainly relief. Relief because the source of my anxiety is gone, which is actually more powerful than the missing him. On the other hand, if the breakup is with someone I really loved who was good to me, then I can take this very painfully and even take years to recover as it shakes my core fear of abandonment and confirms to me that I am not good enough and that everyone will leave me.
As an interesting by product of the FA attachment style: We breakup for no reason. this is our signature self defence move. We break up so we can avoid. So if you are dating an FA and they frequently breakup with you, then believe me this means they REALLY like you and feel very, very vulnerable.
I hope this helps anyone reading, but remember this is only one FA perspective and others will be different. We are strange creatures that need so much reassurance and security but also push others away.
