Looking for advice from FA's

I'm generally pretty good about this. At this point I'm aware of her patterns and quirks. In my mind, its the lack of open and honest communication that causes things to snowball into being far more serious than they need to be. But she doesnt respond well to my attempts and doesn't initiate any conversation regarding her own needs. So I'm essentially left to either read her mind, or make an educated guess as to what shes feeking and what she may need.

No doubt. But that's the frustrating part...we have established trust. She freely admits that I know more about her than her friends or even her own mother at this point. There is a deep level of trust there, obviously, because she feels comfortable being honest when she's in the right head space and has no issue getting extremely emotional in my presence. Maybe its not consistent base on whether or not she's deactivating. But she defaults back to it as soon as she's come down from being triggered. I'm open to ANY suggestion from anyone regarding how to facilitate communication. I've told her more times than I can count that if she can think of a way that's comfortable for her to communicate then I will gladly abide by it. She has no answers and I'm out of ideas. Hence why we went to my therapist together. I felt like having a mediator to facilitate communication in a way that doesn't favor either party would be helpful. I thought maybe hearing things from someone who ISNT so close to her would be easier. The session went great...but it didn't matter on the end.

Have you achieved this level of awareness about your AP processes? If not, how long would it take you to become aware and how long would it take to build the intrapersonal skills to actually intervene in your own process? 

Because what it takes is to feel like you are drowning, yet not respond instictively by kicking around and gasping for air.

As I said it has taken me years and years, so do not expect it to happen over 10 weeks of therapy.

cspragu

I have now read the rest of the thread and notice the following:

You are a very grown man with a son to care for and show a good example to.
Your son has alsready gone through the marriage going south and the drama of the divorce.

You are tired and stressed and lonely and have more than enough on your plate.
Working, running a household and healing your heart and helping your son heal.
These are the things that need doing to break the cycle and allow your son to learn to relate in a healthy way. 
Put on your own oxygen mask, put on his. 

She is an immature avoidant with years of work ahead of her before she can be a good wife and stepmother/aunty.
Leaving and coming back drunk, pulling shenanigans and generally f#cking up is a piss poor example for a child.

There are women out there who are loving, warm and responsible.
Yet you choose her.



You are not used to receiving love. Can you give yourself so much love that you can thrive?

Can you give your son the love he needs so that he can grow up to be a loving man choosing loving women?

You both deserve love and kindness.
Be the man you can count on.
For you and for your son.

Sending you two hugs, one for each of you.

So, after all that, such a thread, we’re back to the old judgement call of immaturity. Sigh.

It’s great fun having the best of AP traits, coupled with avoidance. It makes for great consistency, and gives one the ability to screw people around. NOT. No fun at all.

An example, that friend that sent me the abusive message the other day, I can’t move the rumination and accompanying sadness right now. Anything I let go has claw marks on it, even though I’ve done the damage.

Confusing? Staggering? Yes. Immature? She’s acting exactly as type. If I were you, I’d be sweeping my side of the street. But I understand the inability to let go without an internal fight.

I must have missed something there. That was not quite what I meant.