How to get over phantom ex &/or stop looking for perfection?

I tend to shy away from actively looking for someone to date...I wasn't looking for anyone when I met B and it had been 6 years from the prior relationship.  I have dated 2 malignant narcs and those can really mess up your perception of yourself.  Plus...I know enough about myself to know that the rush, the pull is a sign that I am being sucked back into a pattern.  I would love to meet a guy and develop a slow steady friendship and have it progress from there..that seems to be my best chance because I can't do that with someone who activates me.  When I was younger, I moved from one 3 year relationship to a year relationship to another 3 year relationship and then a 2 year relationship...so I know what you are describing with your friends....early on it can seem really amazing to chase the hope..but after a while...I noticed it wasn't leading me to anyone who wanted to fully commit to me.  It was one unavailable guy to the next.  

when i met my partner we were both very unhealthy. 
sparks, chemistry, triggers non stop, and crazy hot sex.
insane.
but what was good was good. 
i was very confused, and didn't know about attachment issues.
but i wanted to get it right for once.
i was definitely attracted and found things in him i admired.  
But it was messy, physiological and psychological shenanigans.
I made a strong conscious decision to master myself and learn what was really going on.  it was very difficult and dark inside me at times. this relationship has challenge everything within me, and shone a light on every tangled up knot i have.
but we have grown little by little, i guess because both of us wanted to maintain it enough to make adjustments and learn through our failures.
there was never a commitment to overcoming all this- it's just that we couldn't stop being hooked on each other so we have worked to make that good instead of bad.

i have found, for me, that the perfect place for me to fix what's broken is to do it right in the middle of the pile of pieces, right in the middle of what triggers the hell out of me and throws me back on myself.

every situation is a chance to get it right, in one way or another.
if two people are stuck like glue but they both want to get it right then they can.  it's just that it takes two people being focused on their own demons and blockages.

i don't know, it just doesn't seem possible to "fix it" all in ourselves and go find a fixed person.  it seems like we just have to find the right person to work the process with. 

i found it out by accident.
i was terrified of the relationship even when it was casual.
it was a fun, exciting roller coaster ride but it triggered the hell out of me.
i was convinced i had made the same mistakes i have always made.  i projected all my past on to my partner.
but i couldn't let go- for once.
so i really had to get intense about figuring myself out.  i thought i was figuring myself out just so i could successfully leave him. 
but it turned out that as i worked really hard on myself (tying to escape my own hell, and i thought it would mean moving on) things got better and better.  i realized that it wasn't that he was the wrong person---- i myself was being the wrong person, i was being a person trapped in my patterns, cut off from my real inner self. 
so it's been a long process to uncover my real self and to learn to listen to what i think and feel and need.
i used to be convinced that he could never love me the way i need to be loved and that he could never, would never meet my needs.  the whole time i was thinking that i was denying my own needs and not being authentic enough to express them.
so, i had a vision of failure and dysfunction that i was pursuing.
it was a script; of course.

when i say i focus on my own issues i really mean it.  i have worked every day to address my own acting out, my own emotions, my own needs, my own blind spots.  it's been very difficult and confusing most of the way. it really has been a process.  but i just kept trying and trying again.  lots of times i have done a 180 in my mind and thought i was going the absolutely opposite direction of the way i "should" be going, by staying in this and working at it. 

i have really had to surrender things i thought i knew in order to be open to things that really are true.  about myself,  my partner, my whole life. 

it has come down to simple things....
1) vulnerability
2) honesty 
3) persistence 
4) faith in the proces
5) humility 

with myself and with him.
that's what it took for me.  i don't know what it takes for other people but that is what it has taken for me.

Do you think you shy away from looking for someone to date due to low self-esteem, or fear of choosing another unavailable man and getting hurt again?



I cannot bear to be with someone who bores me. I would rather remain single. It doesn't have to be some crazy immediate spark or rush, but I need to feel at least a bit excited about someone. I cannot be motivated to get into/stay in a relationship with someone otherwise. I am now pretty used to not having lasting relationships and going long periods of time being single, and I see no point in being with someone I feel like I could take or leave and who doesn't inspire me. i have friends. Are you willing to give up the spark? I think I'd rather have no relationship.

In my opinion it’s essential to get to know yourself in every possible way before you dive into dating. If you're still disconnected from your own needs, it will be almost impossible to communicate what you're looking for in a partner and to set boundaries whenever you feel like you're not getting your needs met.

This is what helped me the most:

I made a realistic list of:
1. what I had to offer;
2. which red flags to look out for;
3. the most important things/qualities to look for in a partner.

After that I made somewhat the same lists concerning my previous relationship and compared these lists: Is he really that great? Are we really that compatible? Is he really the person I'm looking for? Could we ever meet each others needs?

Try to be completely honest with yourself and don't be afraid to admit that maybe you weren't that great together. Get to know yourself first and you will soon find out that it will be easier to get to know someone else, because you will have a clear view of the way you want to be treated.

Also, I taught myself to think differently. Does it really matter that he leaves his socks on the floor? Do we really have to agree on everything? If he's sweet and treats me with love and respect; does it really matter that his hair color isn't brown or that he doesn't have a car?

Ofcourse physical attraction is important, but don't forget to find attraction in the way someone treats you as well. Most things I encountered in my previous relationship were immediate turnoffs since I made these lists, because I didn't want to go through that ever again.

I really hope this helps! Best of luck!

happyidiot, i have to say that i didn't know for a very long time of my partner was putting in work because i was working so hard on my own issues. i was just trying to get right within myself, accepting any outcome.
it was a day at a time thing.
i never really knew if we would be together or apart but i wanted to find peace inside myself, with myself, and with him as much as i could.

it wasn't until recently that we mutually verbalized a commitment to continue to grow together long term.
it all just grew organically. i think that is the only way it was possible for two dismissives like us.

but the point is, if you stay true to your healing path, and really search out your own heart and mind, the person you need to challenge-support you will show up.
i really believe that. whoever you find yourself with will be there to show you specific things if you are open to the experience and the mirror.

the outcome is generated based on your response to the lessons, it isn't pre-determined that that person will be the one you're with a long time.... there is a potential that you have to actualize within yourself. if the other person is aligned, you find out over time - it's a process.

every flower that blooms has a potential that can be thwarted. relationships are the same way. you have to first focus on the conditions within yourself that either support or thwart the blooming of intimacy and deep connection.

that's what i believe.

@mary,
i get where you are at. completely.
there is a lot of fear there, i don't know if you recognize it.
it's ok if you were to continue with your partner. i mean, unless you feel it is more detrimental than good.
my partner and i were destructive in some ways to each other before we learned to be constructive.
our conflicts were riddled with meanness driven by fear and selfishness. now our conflicts have evolved beyond recognition and become incidents of vulnerability, healthy communication, grace, listening , and friendship.

having two people be willing- well, figuring that out, for insecure types, is a complete mindfuck.
seriously.
most people on this forum truly are more concerned about what their partner is or is not doing, and they are judging it through their own fucked up projecting lens.
i am not intending to be hurtful , and i consistently hold my self in check on this.

i am not going to put the onus on you for some recent difficulty but i will use your situation as an example of the need for introspection and self love as a priority.

please forgive if i offend, i mean only to illuminate for your good.
we can say your partner is an asshole for becoming annoyed about your period "problem." he was insensitive and boorish, really.
however, you at the time were yourself unaware of a need for support and tolerance and kindness to handle what is your burden, as a natural woman- so the kindness and request for support and understanding, starts with you.
an alternative outcome can be- to stand up for yourself and say with vulnerability
"i have my period, and i am frustrated by the need to go change. i need your kindness in this regard, and would appreciate your support. "
and then he would have an opportunity to repair, and a lesson will have been learned and communication and trust and care for the self and the other can grow.

now, i know you weren't here complaining about that- but what i am saying, and trying to emphasize , is that the more we love and care for ourselves and hold ourselves to the standard we have FOR OUR PARTNER, the more potential we have to grow as individuals and as a couple.

i know your partner has behaved in ways that are hurtful. so i am not encouraging you to stay or go.
if, however, he is in a place to confront HIS OWN issues while you confront yours, then this relationship has potential to bloom also.

i think most of us tend to see things as black and white moment by moment, instead of seeing a spectrum of possibilities.