|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 13, 2019 15:07:15 GMT
Interupting sex ed for an update  So my DA/FA and I went out for a catch up dinner and had a lovely comfortable time. He was proactive in the planning. We yapped away for several hours, he brought me a gift for my horse in Christmas paper. It was not weird as I feared. At the end I said I am glad I didn't scare you off for good! and he said Oh you didn't! We had a little laugh. We talked about getting together again in a few weeks. Have my feelings for him been completely dry cleaned away? No. They are bundled in there with my respect and enthusiasm for him. I'm back on the dating site, a bit sadder and wiser. I am feeling some hope this might work as as friends. The risk seems worth it right now but I know to watch for "the dance" beginning. Be careful... |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Jan 13, 2019 15:18:31 GMT
Oh believe me. Eyes WIDE open here and vigilant about the fact that when DAFAs reappear the world seems sunny briefly then same patterns return. I have the playbook memorized. We kept the vibe friendly not datey. I'm taking it slooooooow.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 13, 2019 17:33:10 GMT
Oh believe me. Eyes WIDE open here and vigilant about the fact that when DAFAs reappear the world seems sunny briefly then same patterns return. I have the playbook memorized. We kept the vibe friendly not datey. I'm taking it slooooooow. Good! High risk and low to no return. I just know if he’s this skittish and reluctant before being in a romantic relationship, I can only imagine the backslash with intimacy and feelings of love and closeness. The red flags are there early on so, yes, eyes wide open. You don’t want your heart on the line with an obvious risk. Keep looking online! You’ll find a better fit. |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Jan 13, 2019 17:40:37 GMT
They need to start a dating site called "Secure Singles" |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 13, 2019 19:23:07 GMT
Interupting sex ed for an update So my DA/FA and I went out for a catch up dinner and had a lovely comfortable time. He was proactive in the planning. We yapped away for several hours, he brought me a gift for my horse in Christmas paper. It was not weird as I feared. At the end I said I am glad I didn't scare you off for good! and he said Oh you didn't! We had a little laugh. We talked about getting together again in a few weeks. Have my feelings for him been completely dry cleaned away? No. They are bundled in there with my respect and enthusiasm for him. I'm back on the dating site, a bit sadder and wiser. I am feeling some hope this might work as as friends. The risk seems worth it right now but I know to watch for "the dance" beginning. I've been able to really stay friends with exes long-term as long as they are also committed to transitioning and put in equal effort. This includes one FA. Sounds like he needed some time, as do you, but it could turn out okay-- and you'll have another friend and eventually a better new match with everything you figured out from this. Just don't get stuck in a role as a "fake" girlfriend. Keep the friendship boundaries up. |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Jan 27, 2019 17:53:06 GMT
Update--
So DAFA came over for dinner in our new friendzone. It was great! Gabbed away for hours over roast chicken as snow howled outside. He carved.
Of note, he has been much better about texting and replying now he doesn't have to try to wear the ill-fitting "boyfriend" costume that in hindsight was very chafing to him. I am relaxing too as I am not viewing this relationship as a problem to be worked on.
A psychologist once said to me (not about DA) "It helps to think of people as unique species. Some of us are giraffes. Some of us are lions. You can't expect a giraffe to act like a lion. They are very different creatures." I am working on appreciating him for who and what he is.
It does help we are both older and at the age where people have all manner of companionship scenarios. I have had the kids and the white picket fence so talking about farriers and books is a win.
|
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Jan 31, 2019 18:34:46 GMT
OK...liking being friends with DA. We still have a great time when we are together, he has been much better about texting. I do like his humor and his company in my life. (Plus I am chatting with a new person so the pressure is off BUT!!!! DAFA is letting me do all the initiating of plans. It is like he doesn't even think about making plans but is happy to agree to my ideas. The vibe is clueless with maybe a subtle note of take it or leave it. He was not great about initiating when we were kindasorta dating but it is like he has now let me take all initiative with relief. He has brought me several little presents and said kind things so I do think he cares in his way about our friendship. I know where this is friendzone, I can and will bring it up in time. It would bother me if it was any friend--I would want to see what the situation was. But I don't want to rock the boat where we are just back in regular friendly contact by bringing it up now. So my question is, do other DAFAs tend to have a take it or leave it attitude? If connection is right there in front of them cool, but they aren't going to hassle it? He has also told me over the months that he "sometimes forgets to eat all day" too--unrelated--but perhaps he is generally out of tune with his needs. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jan 31, 2019 18:55:12 GMT
Yes - although without wishing to diagnose in any way, my ASD radar has been bleeping a bit over quite a lot of things you've said about him.....
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jan 31, 2019 19:13:15 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jan 31, 2019 21:34:45 GMT
Thanks anne12 - this made me want to laugh and cry in equal measure - the misery created by a struggle to be normal is heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing.
sissyk apologies for derailing your thread and quite possibly being a million miles off the mark with respect to your friend - not easy to read without projecting my own experiences.
|
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Jan 31, 2019 21:59:35 GMT
Thanks anne12 - this made me want to laugh and cry in equal measure - the misery created by a struggle to be normal is heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing.
sissyk apologies for derailing your thread and quite possibly being a million miles off the mark with respect to your friend - not easy to read without projecting my own experiences.
Ha! I was just thinking what an amazing resource this forum is for all your wise comments!!! Thank you!!!! I do think that is very very possible as an issue for him and I never would have considered that aspect without this forum. As you have noted, the obsessive hobbies, self professed bad at relationships, the workaholism. But in some ways he has good emotional intelligence too so it is confusing. He is an academic in the arts. I have been struck also that in his writing about artists, he is very accomplished about capturing technique and biography details but never seems to address the emotion behind the art or the life circumstances that occasioned the expressions. That's the beating heart of the matter, to me. I will watch that video! Question: Any essential most important things wish I had known things for me to keep in mind in maintaining a friendship with a person on with ASD? |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 22:08:32 GMT
Yes - although without wishing to diagnose in any way, my ASD radar has been bleeping a bit over quite a lot of things you've said about him..... What is ASD? |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Jan 31, 2019 22:12:05 GMT
Yes - although without wishing to diagnose in any way, my ASD radar has been bleeping a bit over quite a lot of things you've said about him..... What is ASD? I believe Autism Spectrum Disorder..... |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 22:25:40 GMT
OK...liking being friends with DA. We still have a great time when we are together, he has been much better about texting. I do like his humor and his company in my life. (Plus I am chatting with a new person so the pressure is off BUT!!!! DAFA is letting me do all the initiating of plans. It is like he doesn't even think about making plans but is happy to agree to my ideas. The vibe is clueless with maybe a subtle note of take it or leave it. He was not great about initiating when we were kindasorta dating but it is like he has now let me take all initiative with relief. He has brought me several little presents and said kind things so I do think he cares in his way about our friendship. I know where this is friendzone, I can and will bring it up in time. It would bother me if it was any friend--I would want to see what the situation was. But I don't want to rock the boat where we are just back in regular friendly contact by bringing it up now. So my question is, do other DAFAs tend to have a take it or leave it attitude? If connection is right there in front of them cool, but they aren't going to hassle it? He has also told me over the months that he "sometimes forgets to eat all day" too--unrelated--but perhaps he is generally out of tune with his needs. - Since our break my DA is wanting me to initiate. This seems typical from what I’ve read and experienced. I even asked if he wanted me to stop reaching out (risky I felt bc I almost expected him to say yes), but he said he wants me to reach out. When I flat out told him once that it makes me uncomfortable doing the initiating, he told me I shouldn’t feel that way. I think since the break, although obviously unbalanced, this is part of building the trust and showing up consistently. It’s part of me being understanding and not keeping score. A lot of this feels new and vulnerable to me but I’m growing in my comfort with it. This is also part of him pulling back and feeling unsafe since the break up and progress at my end when I told him I’d appreciate a response and a request for space rather than just a non-response. Since I maturely and securely stated my request without acting crazy AP like I did in the “old days” he’s shown up for me. He always responds lately and I feel he’s getting better at expressing his needs- I’m working on that myself as I remind him to just tell me what he needs. I asked another direct question last week when I asked if he feels worse seeing me and he replied I make everything better. Nice to know.... So, yes, I think it makes sense that your friend is now letting you initiate since that’s exactly what my DA did. I think it feels safer for them. As far as take it or leave it, I think their cool facade is often that for a DA- a facade. My DA has a tough exterior. He’s not one to open up and share his feelings, but on the inside he’s extremely tender, sensitive, loyal and sweet. Sensitive to criticism and doubting anyone loves him. I think that tough exterior is protecting that vulnerable and tender space. So your friend may relax in time and with your warmth and acceptance. Did you watch the DA videos I linked to another thread? I felt the speaker was completely describing my DA. You may find it resonates as well 💜 |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Jan 31, 2019 23:15:36 GMT
That’s just incredible. And the bit at the end with his step daughter completes the puzzle. |
|
So my DA/FA and I went out for a catch up dinner and had a lovely comfortable time. He was proactive in the planning. We yapped away for several hours, he brought me a gift for my horse in Christmas paper. It was not weird as I feared. At the end I said I am glad I didn't scare you off for good! and he said Oh you didn't! We had a little laugh.
