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Post by howpredictable on May 24, 2017 12:28:26 GMT
1) Is this something you would 'feel' after a break up. Like, now it's over you can allow yourself to feel that because there's no threat? 2) Do you miss your ex? I've read that after time and distance an avoidant sees their ex as some kind of hero and even if they don't get in touch thinks about them incessantly? 3) Do you ever go after someone you meet or is it always them that pursue you? From reading a lot I'm guessing you wouldn't persue someone for fear of rejection? 4) And without being intrusive I'm guessing somewhere in your past you've been controlled by someone which is why you resist relationships. My ex was completely controlled by his parents. I have numbered your questions and answer them here. 1) No. There's no urge to *want* to feel anything. I don't think it's what people like me strive for. It's more of a burden, since feelings can't be controlled. 2) No. Once it's over, it's over. I have lots of Exs and I don't think about any of them. The only ones I ever obsessed over, were the true Cluster B guys (the diagnosed Narcissist, and the diagnosed BPD). We had some sort of dysfunctional "hook" in each other, even after we broke up. 3) I never pursue anyone. I am always the one being chased.... and that's exactly how it feels sometimes. In fact, I mentioned the guy who phoned me last night and I forced myself to pick up the phone. Well, he texted a little greeting this morning and I could feel my anxiety rise as the text came in. Mind you, this kind of attention is *exactly* what I yearned for from the DA for years (or so I thought). It's not normal, that's for sure. 4) I was completely controlled by my parents, who are two Narcissists. I have a tolerable/good relationship now, on the surface, but the damage is very very deep. |
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sam
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Post by sam on May 24, 2017 13:25:22 GMT
Wow that's so interesting, thank you for your answers. I'm guessing that all avoidants are similar.
I totally understand why it seems to be about control, like I said, it was only when I started to detach from my ex did he show his anxiety.
So from what you said, it seems that you live in a state of anxiety of some sort for most of the time. Does that mean you are happier single, with no threat to you?
It's a positive thing that you are aware of these traits as at least you know why you're like you are and can hopefully work on it.
I think that about my exs parents, on the surface they seem to get on and are fairly close, but dig deeper and from what I saw they are so controlling and I think he knows this but can't admit it. Loyalty to them I guess.
This relationship was by far the worst I've ever had and it's taken 10 months already for me to sort my head out. 😐
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Post by howpredictable on May 25, 2017 5:46:35 GMT
So from what you said, it seems that you live in a state of anxiety of some sort for most of the time. Does that mean you are happier single, with no threat to you? ... This relationship was by far the worst I've ever had and it's taken 10 months already for me to sort my head out. 😐 Yes, I am generally very happy when I'm single, though I do like the revolving door of attention you get from dating. I just don't like it as much when the dates try to get closer and get to know me better. Is that wrong? 
Since become self-aware about 8 years ago, I have vowed to try to really go against my impulses and genuinely try to be vulnerable and open to a relationship with a healthy partner. Sadly, that's exactly what I *thought* I was doing with the most current DA Ex. (and we all know how that turned out). Of course some of my past entanglements were with a BPD and a Narcissist, so maybe my ability to choose healthier partners is at least ... well, ... improving. LOL
I'm sorry for what you went through, Sam. Hopefully you can likewise learn from the experience and know what to look out for in the future.
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sam
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Post by sam on May 26, 2017 13:04:31 GMT
No, it not 'wrong' to be like that, these attachment types are so deep rooted at the core that it seems 'normal'.
I think it's great that you are now aware of yourself and I hope you keep moving forward and can be in a loving relationship without feeling the need to run.
Reading these boards has helped me tremendously to understand why my ex was the way he was. And that there was nothing I could do.
Looking back, there were signs right from the beginning, when we were arranging to go out he said 'it's only a beer/wine' so straight away before we had even met he was putting a barrier up. I can imagine that's how you feel from what you described, and then it just escalated to supreme toxic, and I was verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by him. Occasionally I was also pushed around.
I know that once I've healed from the abuse I will be fine and I will go on and meet someone who will be right for me.i just feel sadness and hurt at the moment and the question that will never be answered is "how could he do all of that to me".
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 5, 2017 0:51:29 GMT
I actually do think some avoidant people do miss others and feel remorse, they just may make excuses or justifications to not act on those and to keep the distance. It's not like we're robots.
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g4462
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Post by g4462 on Feb 24, 2018 16:36:19 GMT
I do believe they miss the idea of someone around because after a while, they do get lonely. I find by giving them space with no contact, they will often times come back. However, they rarely stay and will get uncomfortable and leave again. When they leave again, it throws us Anxious people in a horrible hole. My natural attachment style is Anxious and that is the driving force for making an avoidant utilize their deactivation techniques. However, I'm embracing the importance of distance now because I feel it is a positive thing for both people. Anxious people could benefit from having space to ease their racing thoughts and allows them to focus on themselves for once. Changing my attachment style to be secure has been extremely difficult and it's a daily battle but I'm constantly working on it. After about a few months of working on my attachment style, I've moved from Anxious to a flip flop mix of Fearful-Avoidant and Secure. Eventually and it might take a year(s) to be 100% secure. At least now when an avoidant person leaves, I don't spin out of control because I appreciate the need for space. The more you give space to someone, the more they feel that they can be safe around you and will be more likely to stay. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 16:50:32 GMT
I'm DA and I can say I've never been lonely. We are self sufficient. You can only be lonely if you realize that you do need others. I don't think loneliness is a catalyst for a DA to make contact again. Just my opinion.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 16:55:27 GMT
sometimes DA individuals don't reach out because they recognize the relationship was not good.
you can miss a person and still know they aren't good for you.
we aren't mindless lol.
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Post by yasmin on Feb 24, 2018 20:57:40 GMT
I don't get lonely either. If I reach out to an ex (so rare) then it's because I truly miss them OR I am just being friendly.
I do miss people a lot after breakups but I don't think I've ever felt lonely. I could easily go a month without talking to another person and I'd barely notice it
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guest
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Post by guest on Feb 25, 2018 17:05:40 GMT
Hey there JoanneG, before I answer your initial question with the magic formula on how to win your aboidant ex back, I suggest you read the forum a bit more, and maybe you'll understand how this is a terminal way of thinking, also I find the aware avoidants make for good emotional lab rats ;-)
Now to answer your question: The best thing for you to do if you want to win your avoidant ex back is... the same thing you should do if you don't want them back. Ta Da!!!
Just go out and become the most awesome version of yourself. I know, I know, it sounds cliche but it's the truth. You're not going to spend any more time in this world with anyone other than yourself, so you might as well be in good company.
If you're reading this, I hope it helps.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2018 17:12:08 GMT
Hey there JoanneG, before I answer your initial question with the magic formula on how to win your aboidant ex back, I suggest you read the forum a bit more, and maybe you'll understand how this is a terminal way of thinking, also I find the aware avoidants make for good emotional lab rats ;-) Now to answer your question: The best thing for you to do if you want to win your avoidant ex back is... the same thing you should do if you don't want them back. Ta Da!!! Just go out and become the most awesome version of yourself. I know, I know, it sounds cliche but it's the truth. You're not going to spend any more time in this world with anyone other than yourself, so you might as well be in good company. If you're reading this, I hope it helps. brilliant!!!! ❤️ |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2018 18:20:38 GMT
Hey there JoanneG, before I answer your initial question with the magic formula on how to win your aboidant ex back, I suggest you read the forum a bit more, and maybe you'll understand how this is a terminal way of thinking, also I find the aware avoidants make for good emotional lab rats ;-) Now to answer your question: The best thing for you to do if you want to win your avoidant ex back is... the same thing you should do if you don't want them back. Ta Da!!!Just go out and become the most awesome version of yourself. I know, I know, it sounds cliche but it's the truth. You're not going to spend any more time in this world with anyone other than yourself, so you might as well be in good company. If you're reading this, I hope it helps. This is priceless!!!! |
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Post by sandiew662 on May 31, 2018 9:26:52 GMT
Hi im new to this forum but find it very interesting, iv been researching attachment types for a while and myself i would describe as anxious... which im trying to become stable .
My ex of a year did all the classical avoident behaviours you have all talked about on here and after a year of my feeling anxious, stressed and rejected i told him how hurtful his behaviour was and he cut me off completely, he read my msgs but wouldnt reply ...
I occassionally sent him msgs over 6 mnths and recently after a 8 wk period since last msg sent him one saying i hoped we could get over this hurdle and be friends again, he replied! .. but just a basic "yes sandra" response..i then said we should catch up soon..to which his reply was the same "yes sandra" he has a funny sense of humour so i know he was feeling happy when he replied.
Thing is i left it a few days and sent him a short friendly msg ..he hasnt even read it this time ...no reply ...so question i want to ask is ..
Why would he reply after ignoring me for 6 mnths and then when i try to innitiate conversation he ignores me again?
Is it possibly that when he replied he felt safe or in a happy relaxed mindset but later felt scared or dismissive about contact again? So is therefore avoiding again? Im so frustrated i thght we could develop a basic friendship again...iv accepted he cant give me the relationship i want .any suggestions on how to think or respond to this situation?
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 9:37:48 GMT
Hi im new to this forum but find it very interesting, iv been researching attachment types for a while and myself i would describe as anxious... which im trying to become stable . My ex of a year did all the classical avoident behaviours you have all talked about on here and after a year of my feeling anxious, stressed and rejected i told him how hurtful his behaviour was and he cut me off completely, he read my msgs but wouldnt reply ... I occassionally sent him msgs over 6 mnths and recently after a 8 wk period since last msg sent him one saying i hoped we could get over this hurdle and be friends again, he replied! .. but just a basic "yes sandra" response..i then said we should catch up soon..to which his reply was the same "yes sandra" he has a funny sense of humour so i know he was feeling happy when he replied. Thing is i left it a few days and sent him a short friendly msg ..he hasnt even read it this time ...no reply ...so question i want to ask is .. Why would he reply after ignoring me for 6 mnths and then when i try to innitiate conversation he ignores me again? Is it possibly that when he replied he felt safe or in a happy relaxed mindset but later felt scared or dismissive about contact again? So is therefore avoiding again? Im so frustrated i thght we could develop a basic friendship again...iv accepted he cant give me the relationship i want .any suggestions on how to think or respond to this situation? Welcome to the forum...I am AP as well..so here is the thing..AP to AP. The fact that he hasn't even read it could be several other things...he could have had his phone die, he could be busy, he could be out of signal range...there are lots of potential reasons that have nothing to do with you. I know as an AP (and a woman) this is hard to accept because if you got a text, you would look at it unless you were "ignoring" him...but I have a DA brother and sometimes he responds within a day and sometimes I don't hear back for days/weeks..and that is my brother. Honestly..and I know this is going to be so very hard....It will serve you better to tell yourself that you don't know why he did not read your text but that if he wants to reach out, you have made it possible. |
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Post by sandiew662 on May 31, 2018 10:55:38 GMT
Hi thanks for your reply...he has just this morning read it ..its whatsapp so it shows when its been read, no reply as yet but im happier to wait til hes comfortable to reply , no doubt when hes had a few drinks ( thats how he deals with his lonliness) he goes to the local pub maybe 4 eves a week to just be amongst ppl who he has no obligations too. Its kinda sad really .
He used to dissapear when we were intermittently spending time together, everytime we spent qaulity fun time together hed back away ..sometimes for weeks ...wldnt reply to texts ...i find that very stressful...i know on a deeper level that this is not about me as a person...he is aware of his behaviour and how his fear sabotages things but hes unwilling to make changes.
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