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Post by JoanneG on May 22, 2017 1:58:39 GMT
Hi,
Recently going through a break up with avoidant personality. He seems to be on the spectrum of things as he had a caring nature in the relationship with me and seemed to try for quite sometime however towards the end just completely when cold and distant. I am secure however as the "distancing" began my anxiety shot up.
I felt like he wouldn't speak to me or allow me to speak to him. Sex became less and less and he would avoid any kind of contact. He worked crazy hours and used this as an excuse to avoid me. It was very hurtful. How can you have a relationship and not invest some kind of time into it? Towards the end I feel like we would only spend time together in a group situation. He seemed to just be irritated by interaction with me.
Towards the end he just seemed very uninterested in me. I seemed to drain him . I understand my anxiety was draining however I just wanted to spend time with him even not physical but via phone calls and texting.
We beat around the bush on the break up and towards the end he would only text me. At the end nether of us broke up he just said "I hope we can still be friends".We met up and just couldn't look at me and the interaction lasted about 10 seconds. Very hard after a year. We were in a serious relationship and we'd met each others friends and him some of my family. (Although he didn't introduce me to his family)
Looking back I see we never really made future plans although he used to reassure me saying "you know you're the one for me"
I text after the meet up one night saying I missed him and he said he would call the next day also saying "thats ok babe" which seemed warm however never called.
Do avoidants miss their exes? Is NC the best way to "get" to them? I wish he'd come back so we can talk, however I'm not sure theres any point. It would feel good if he made some contact so I know at some stage he did care about me.
I feel like we only broke up over our fighting however nothing actually happened. We fought over his inability to communicate with me. I miss him so much. He seems to be fine and has never initiated contact. Its so sad. I know it will take time but I just feel like it was a year of one big lie. These threads are making me feel better. Thanks.
I wish there is something I could do to make him miss me. Even if I dont know. I hope he does. Im sad for him because I feel like we had good things to make it work.
He is a work a holic, he also has never had a serious girlfriend before. He seems to allow his friends "use" him and people pleases however to me could rarely make a lot of effort.
Thanks for your help.
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Post by HowPredictable1 on May 22, 2017 5:25:09 GMT
The way you describe the end of your 1-year relationship is almost identical to how mine with a Dismissive Avoidant ended -- except it was after almost 4 years. The inability to communicate, workaholism, the lack of concrete future plans, the slow but confusingly-cheerful fade out.
My Ex gradually went distant on me, and when we formally agreed to end it he was ice-cold and quite unrecognizable. I am now about 2 months NC, and although I did show up unannounced to have a "closure" chat a few days after the breakup, it was brief and very awkward and I fully expect that I will never see or hear from him again.
I doubt he will miss or even remember much about me, because he has virtually prided himself on how quickly he moves on from relationships, and how quickly he forgets everything. From our discussions while dating he told me that he literally doesn't remember anything about his past relationships at all, even the wife to whom he was married for 20 years.
So if your Ex is anything like mine, unfortunately I doubt you can hold out hope that he will miss you, that he will confirm that he cared for you, or that he will ever want to come back. I don't think NC affects them; because by the time they leave they are so drained from the relationship's demands and so happy to be free of the demands for intimacy and time together that they are just relieved to be out.
Sorry for what you are going through. I hope others can give you more hope, but that's my experience at least.
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Post by HowPredictable1 on May 22, 2017 11:13:12 GMT
And something else: Rather than scheme to get my Ex back, I have been trying to invest my time on looking inward, to figure out what it is about ME that allowed me to stay so long in an unsatisfactory relationship.
If your Ex is like mine, he did try hard with me, but he was a severe people-pleaser and workaholic who routinely put everyone else ahead of my needs and even ahead of his own. It was impossible to feel like a priority. Plus his communication skills were simply unworkable. And of course the Avoidance was a problem. It wasn't a great relationship. I should have left so much sooner, but some unhealthy need of my one kept me there, hoping for change.
When you find yourself yearning to hear from him, just remember that: 1) if he was not a good communicator during the relationship, you can't expect him to be one now. He's not going to reach out to explain his reason for leaving, and he's not going come back ready to talk through his issues and fears with you. 2) If he's Avoidant, then he avoids everything emotional, including recognizing and coping with his feelings now that you are broken up. If he was a workaholic when you dated, you can be sure he's going to use that same workaholism to keep himself busy from even thinking about your relationship, and how he feels about it or what his role might have been.
That's what they do.
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Post by JoanneG on May 22, 2017 11:57:32 GMT
Thank you so much for replying. Really good of you.
I know what you're saying is true. I am going to continue no contact and try to focus on myself. I just feel so hurt that he cut me off so easily. I've had break ups before and they have been ok, hard but respectful of the other person. I am going to keep my dignity. I am just so exhausted.I really hope I can get over this in time.
I can't look for him to give me any reassurance or niceties now that the relationship is over.
When I look back at the relationship think it was in my head like a fantasy type and he had actually been quite selfish all along.a lot of red flags Everything on his terms so to speak. Attending events together, not spending a lot of time together, his schedule bein prioritised etc.
He also has a drug addiction which I have heard avoidants can have addictions oftentimes. He also has a close female friend who I almost felt like he was using her to get his emotional fix off of but can keep her there without any commitment or responsibility which was very hurtful to me as they would contact each other a lot. She seemed very jealous when him and I began our relationship and was not nice to me at all however he just allowed it.
He seems to have a good relationship with his parents and a good relationship with his "friends" (although in my opinion they use him a lot of the time and he allows it) which is confusing as I don't think he was abandoned when he was younger.
I just can't get my head around it.
Towards the end our sex life had diminished to nothing and it almost felt awkward around each other.
I wish he had regret for how he treated me or felt some kind of guilt. I know you can't go around and do that to people and think it's ok.
His friends were majority of the time rude to me and not including. He didn't seem to have a backbone to stick up for the fact we were together.
He had a lot of good traits too. Caring, loving however that seemed to go out the window when he was through. His actions definitely never matched his words. He had said to me before that he felt like he had "something wrong " with him. I assume referring to his lack of emotion.
Do avoidants feel remorse ever?
I am doing the right thing by keeping no contact yes?
I sometimes wish I had avoidant style to anxious tendencies. Then at least it would be easier.
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Post by Joanne G on May 22, 2017 12:02:37 GMT
I should have ended things sooner too. For some reason I didn't. I don't think you can feel bad for giving it your all though. When you care and love someone you want to work through things. That's not needy but that's seeing the good in someone. However I don't want to settle again and with those red flags I should have probably ended things. I hope we both learn and bring this into our next relationship.
Things will get easier I'm sure for us both.
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Post by HowPredictable1 on May 22, 2017 14:11:46 GMT
Wow, sounds like we dated the same guy.
* He also had the very close female friend, who was jealous and treated me rudely. They had dated before and I think she wanted to keep him as an option if she didn't find someone better. He never had the backbone to confront her about her poor treatment of me, and told me it was up to me to address it with her.
* Although he made it look like he was working with me toward a future, the relationship was ALWAYS on his terms because with this workaholism and people-pleasing he always controlled the time we spent together.
* He also had a large group of friends and family, but they use and take advantage of him at every turn. Again, he allows this... which gave him yet another excuse to limit our time together.
* And yes, the sex dwindled to nothing, and was awkward and bad at the end, even though we were together for years. So bad.
Please keep NC, Joanne. You are and I are telling the virtually identical story, except I wasted three extra years of my life on this guy. Be happy you're out, even if you didn't end it. It was not going to get better. You are grieving the fantasy of What Might Have Been.
As for myself, in all honesty, I've gotten past missing HIM (and breaking NC is not even tempting)... now I'm just spending my time figuring out my part of it and what kept me working on this and hoping to get a relationship out of someone who proved very early on that he did not have the capability.
That's all on me, and I don't want to make that mistake ever again. You will get there too.
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Post by annieb on May 22, 2017 16:36:22 GMT
I've also broken up with an avoidant, and have been NC for 7 weeks. There really isn't anything you can do for the avoidant to "miss you", they don't have the feelings of a securely attached person. Whenever I used to get back with my avoidant, I would get some kind of stunted version of him, and he made in his head that I was some kind of stunted version of me. Their perception of the other person is very different than if they were a secure. They put huge obstacles in their way to like or love you, including devaluing you in their minds. They do not think highly and greatly of you because that would be dangerous, because they could potentially fall in love with you and avoidants just don't do that. I am myself a FA, and I get into the same traps all the time. I hardly ever miss an ex because I really cut them off and cut them out of my life, unless they have activated my attachment system, an turned me into an anxious preocupied, which is what my dismissive avoidant has done.
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Post by annieb on May 22, 2017 16:37:06 GMT
*which is what I have done. It is all my doing, that's the biggest hurdle to overcome.
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sam
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Post by sam on May 22, 2017 17:06:44 GMT
It sounds like we were all dating the same person!
I was with my ex for 4 years and the last year was horrendous, but looking back the red flags were there from day one and it got progressively worse. I'm a secure but as time went on and became anxious. There were times when I felt close to him but again looking back they were barely there.
I think subconsciously I knew there was as something wrong, I used to say he was a fake and that he didn't love me, I was most definitely low on his priorities, excluded from things, his parents treated me terribly and he did nothing about it, in arguments he would bring up a girl he worked with and how much he liked her, he told me I was trying to mound him into what I wanted (not true) and his favourite phrases were, ' I don't care, I don't give a f**k, it's my life I'll do what I want, if you don't like it you can f**k off! ' Along with, you can't control me.
Baring in mind, even after 4 years we only saw each other twice a week, occasionally 3 times!
The only time he was vulnerable was a couple of times when he thought I was going to end it, he begged me to stay with him, that he would get help for his anger issues and that I was the best thing to happen to him and he was the worst thing to happen to me. So on some level he knew he wasn't right.
I think my ex was more fearful avoidant but still had traits of dismissive. When he broke up with me I of course got the blame.
Maybe if your ex is FA, he will miss you but because of the insecurity I can't imagine he will come back.
It's 10 months on for me and I'm over him, but still recovering from the head mess from him.
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Post by HowPredictable1 on May 22, 2017 17:28:05 GMT
I'm Avoidant myself, probably a mix of FA and DA, but when faced with his very strong Dismissive tendencies I went deep into an Anxious attachment style. And that took on a life of its own, and kept me invested long after I should have been.
Funny enough, when cleaning out old mementos I came across an e-mail I had written him several years ago, at a point where we were barely 1 year into the almost 4-year connection it turned out to be. In the note I pointed out his struggles with poor attachment everywhere in his life. His family relationships, his work relationships, his past dating history, rapid disconnections, aloofness, etc.
It was all right there in front of me, actually written BY ME, and yet I didn't heed the warnings I noticed myself. As AnnieB says, these partners trigger our own attachment systems and childhood wounds, and so it's extra hard to get out even when you know you should.
PS. Sam: I only saw me Ex twice a week as well, despite having a long relationship. I always pressed for more time together, but then again I have to wonder whether secretly (with my own FA/DA style) I was actually more comfortable with it than I like to admit.
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sam
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Post by sam on May 23, 2017 19:57:30 GMT
I'm Avoidant myself, probably a mix of FA and DA, but when faced with his very strong Dismissive tendencies I went deep into an Anxious attachment style. And that took on a life of its own, and kept me invested long after I should have been. Funny enough, when cleaning out old mementos I came across an e-mail I had written him several years ago, at a point where we were barely 1 year into the almost 4-year connection it turned out to be. In the note I pointed out his struggles with poor attachment everywhere in his life. His family relationships, his work relationships, his past dating history, rapid disconnections, aloofness, etc. It was all right there in front of me, actually written BY ME, and yet I didn't heed the warnings I noticed myself. As AnnieB says, these partners trigger our own attachment systems and childhood wounds, and so it's extra hard to get out even when you know you should. PS. Sam: I only saw me Ex twice a week as well, despite having a long relationship. I always pressed for more time together, but then again I have to wonder whether secretly (with my own FA/DA style) I was actually more comfortable with it than I like to admit. |
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sam
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Post by sam on May 23, 2017 20:04:51 GMT
Hi HowPredictable1
Its weird isn't it, how we know something isn't right but keep going, I guess it's because you get the occasional glimpse of what they could be and ignore the reality.
My ex actually said to me a long time before he ended it......'you've given up but you haven't realised it yet' ........ why did he stay with me then if he felt like that? I think I did start to detach about a year before it ended. And the last couple of weeks he kind of became anxious, kept asking me if I loved him, said that I hated him, wanted to book a weekend away with me, talked about a holiday for this year? I'd had a dream I was getting married and he kept asking who I was marrying. Very strange.
Does this sound like a FA?
How did you as a FA/DA respond in relationships?
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Post by howpredictable on May 24, 2017 1:08:46 GMT
Hi HowPredictable1 How did you as a FA/DA respond in relationships? This is a timely question, because I'm dealing with this now. Having ended the relationship with the DA recently, I now have some new guys sniffing around, wanting to get to know me and I presume go on dates. At least so far, they seem "normal" (i.e. not DA or Anxious) .... and they are already driving me crazy, I am starting to feel caged and trapped.
It's not that they are needy, it's just that their persistence and attention is making me feel suffocated. They text daily, and one just called as well for what turned out to be a 20-minute chat. In order to break my own Avoidant habits, I actually forced myself to answer the phone, whereas my usual approach would be to dodge his calls for a day or two.
I am starting to feel a sense of generalized anxiety already. It's not that I want to be left alone... but I sort of do, if that makes sense. Perhaps it's that I don't like the feeling of not being in control. I have been called a "moving target" by the men I have dated in the past, because I'm hard to reach and hard to pin down.
It's funny, how the tables turn so quickly..... the Ex Dismissive would not text or call me sometimes for two days, and it was a huge issue for me, it triggered my Anxious Attachment issues severely. Yet here only a few weeks later, I am on the other side of the same equation.
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sam
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Post by sam on May 24, 2017 8:06:40 GMT
It's really interesting to hear it from the side of an avoidant.
It actually sounds like you live in confusion, wanting the relationships but when you get them pushing them away.
Also that before anything has happened with the new guys your anxiety is kicking in already, sabotaging before anything has begun.
I'm a secure but as time went on I became anxious.
My ex did exactly that at the start, told me he couldn't give me what I wanted (I hadn't asked for anything) and if I met someone that could to go for it with them. As time went on he said 'why does it have to go anywhere' told me that he thought relationships weren't meant to last because people can't be trusted, put down friends of his who were in relationships saying they changed and stopped going out because of the women they were with!
I also found that he had to put me down to feel better about himself, he was always trying to outdo me. He also criticised me and lectured me.
I totally understand how you describe it's like a control thing, if me and my ex had an argument he would completely shut down on me, he would refuse to see me, even if we had plans that night, we would argue and then as soon as I gave up arguing and said fine I'll go out with friends then, he would panic and turn anxious and say 'don't do anything silly' (like cheating).
And I'm guessing that's why he changed after I started to detach, he became more insecure and anxious and strangely more attentive, actually asking my opinion rather than just doing what he wanted.
My ex actually broke up with me but blamed me saying ' he would have done anything for me, despite the bravado I was his world and he loved me so much, but now he had no idea what he was doing'
Is this something you would 'feel' after a break up. Like, now it's over you can allow yourself to feel that because there's no threat?
Do you miss your ex? I've read that after time and distance an avoidant sees their ex as some kind of hero and even if they don't get in touch thinks about them incessantly? Do you ever go after someone you meet or is it always them that pursue you? From reading a lot I'm guessing you wouldn't persue someone for fear of rejection?
These boards have really helped me and thank you for talking about what it's like to be and avoidant. You've made a step in the right direction by trying to resist not picking up the phone to this guy.
And without being intrusive I'm guessing somewhere in your past you've been controlled by someone which is why you resist relationships. My ex was completely controlled by his parents.
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sam
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Post by sam on May 24, 2017 8:22:13 GMT
Just to add, about a year before it ended, my ex told me that it scared him how much he loved me, to me that's strange because I think that being in love and loving someone can be amazing.
But it clearly scared him and to be honest the last year was horrendous and looking back a living hell for me.
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