Best way to get an avoidant ex back? or to miss you at least

i know this well.
my mother is a sociopath.

and i still have the perspective i have.
i am only speaking for me.

I think all of us have our own trials by fire, or we won't end up here.

It is in the end very fruitful to understand my exDA, and to better understand my own avoidant side as well.

My exDA asked once, in anguish, if he were a Narcissist, and I was too shocked but managed to stammer "no, I don't think so..."

I believe his ex-wife accused him of being one.

I often ponder too, as a lot of DAs are described as showing NPD behavior.

I've tangled with several pwNPDs in my life, from family, bosses, friends and partner, both overt and covert.

Without some clarity on this difference, it can get very confusing. I wish I'd gone deeper with exDA about this, as I think he is quite tormented by the thought. But it's over and he needs to find his own answers.

I hear you Juniper...loud and clear.  I hear you...and I am so very sorry you experienced that.  That is all I can contribute....because I cannot walk a mile in your shoes or take away the pain you experienced...but I can acknowledge you.

oops ocarina somehow i quoted the wrong thing, i was quoting your statement about looking in the mirror with love.
i don't know what happened, silly me with my phone.

yes, we each have our own journey.
mine has not been easy; in fact the professionals involved now, with access to my mother herself, say that my situation has been one of the most severe they have encountered.
i don't take that lightly but i accept it.  i finally accept it.
i have heard that a long time from therapists but none had access to my mother so i did doubt it.
i don't have a reference for "normal".


but for me , the healing was founded in the simplicity , not ease, of going within.
to me it is that simple.
that does not mean easy.  it means simple.

I hear you Juniper!

I agree entirely that inwards focus is all we have. We have control only of ourselves and this is something that requires realisation in order to move towards healing. 

I've worked with childhood trauma victims - and some heal whilst some get stuck in their own internal hell ad infinitum - they can read the advice and hear it, but not process it or act upon it for whatever reason.

I tend to be very blunt, not uber empathic and my answer to all this would be "sort yourself out, deal with your own stuff". I still believe this to be true - but there's a glitch betwixt the knowing and the being capable on acting on the knowledge - or being even able to face the demons that are stopping a person acting upon it.

It takes a certain kind of receptivity to be able to truly hear that message and a certain place in life. I don't disagree with anything you've said and this is certainly not a criticism - life is hard and for you and many others here it's been an incredibly painful journey - but the odds are terribly against children growing up in severely abusive households being able to come out unscathed - or having the support and resilience to heal themselves in later life. Everyone here who has the ability and strength to self reflect is incredibly blessed.

also,
i have confounded the experts who have evaluated me, for the way that i have more than survived, i have found a way to thrive with no addictions, no personality disorder myself ( evaluated in custody proceedings with MMPI 2) , and the best i can explain is that the severity of my situation elicited a deep wish to survive and be free , and that aspiration took root in me when i was old enough and able to do something about it.
i see that my line is full of pain but must have been full of strength and hope also, or else  where would i have gotten it? even just a small seed was nourished by something bigger than me.
having received lots of input over the years, i will strongly state that the only helpful advice i ever received was the urging to look inward.
it has been an incredibly long and excruciating journey that spans decades.
and, looking back, i now look forward with one bit of advice to anyone who has an ear.
Look inside, know yourself to free yourself.
know your own pain, your own wounds, your weaknesses and your strengths.
know your feelings , and know your thoughts, know your actions.
make a diligent effort to be an expert on yourself.

this has been a long Dismissive Avoidant hell i have walked through, i still deactivate but have much love, much connection, much presence, much love for myself, much love for others, much peace, at times much pain, but much hope and much healing and much evidence for all of it.
i need not convince anyone now because i am convinced that healing is real and possible and it is an inward journey.
making distractions by focusing outward is a delay in healing.
delays are fine.
but i will never point anyone who suffers to the long route, the pain has gone on long enough has it not?
for everyone who comes here, i believe the answer is yes, the pain has gone on long enough.
and so, i whisper.... Look Inward.
only those wanting to hear it will.