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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 11:06:59 GMT
Hi thanks for your reply...he has just this morning read it ..its whatsapp so it shows when its been read, no reply as yet but im happier to wait til hes comfortable to reply , no doubt when hes had a few drinks ( thats how he deals with his lonliness) he goes to the local pub maybe 4 eves a week to just be amongst ppl who he has no obligations too. Its kinda sad really . He used to dissapear when we were intermittently spending time together, everytime we spent qaulity fun time together hed back away ..sometimes for weeks ...wldnt reply to texts ...i find that very stressful...i know on a deeper level that this is not about me as a person...he is aware of his behaviour and how his fear sabotages things but hes unwilling to make changes. I am glad he "looked" at the text...but what if he doesn't reply? What if he wants to be friends on his terms? Really consider whether "friendship" is truly what you are after or whether it would be healthier to cut ties..no wrong answer..but I am attempting to be friends with the guy I dated and it is not easy..and I get triggered because I still have feelings for him. Just something to consider. |
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Post by sandiew662 on May 31, 2018 19:47:46 GMT
Hi sorry for the delay iv had a hectic day ..well he hasnt replied and im not sure which way to think , people who discuss avoidents on these sites tend to adopt the 'no expectations" approach to achieve a positive outcome ..but my being anxious im angry that he replied a few days ago seemingly open to future contact and is now not responding again.
Im torn between thinking that he could be fearful of getting overinvolved again so decided against further conversation..or was he just paying lip service to me as i continued messaging him? I want to text him and tell him how rude and hurtful hes being again giving mixed messages..but how can i when i told him that as a friend there wouldnt be expectations?
I know what you mean about cutting ties..i wish i could be stronger..what are you doing tp try to improve communication , can u suggest anything?
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Post by sandiew662 on May 31, 2018 19:52:58 GMT
Another thing is , like you i still have feelings for this guy but hes previously admitted he knows hes selfish..i actually said to him once " do you just want to soend time with me if and when it suits you and your in the right mindset" and he said yes!
I know that theres no other women involved i know that for sure..hes not even interested in sex as he associates that with expectations of a relationship.
I just want tbe chance to be on friendly terms but i really dont know if this recent behaviour is avoident fear..or maybe a bit of an ego stroke for him?
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 21:29:15 GMT
So..it might be easiest if you were to look at all my threads...because they will show you how challenging this has been. I have a lot of threads. š
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 22:07:57 GMT
Here is the thing...if you can....try not to "mind guess"...it is so very hard to do, but in the absence of context, you really do not know anything at this point.
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Post by sandiew662 on May 31, 2018 22:53:58 GMT
Yes your right abt that i thknk way too much but in your opinion why would he return to non response? I mean should i continue to text occassionally even if he doesnt reply? Is he being avoident or is he being an asshole? I just dont know what to think...
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 23:10:36 GMT
Yes your right abt that i thknk way too much but in your opinion why would he return to non response? I mean should i continue to text occassionally even if he doesnt reply? Is he being avoident or is he being an asshole? I just dont know what to think... Honestly...I don't know him...I don't know what seeing it and not replying meant to him...maybe he needs to think about it more, maybe he felt it did not need a reply, maybe he got busy...our AP brain looks for patterns and we tend to go on autopilot and often think the worst about a situation..and we make it personal...because to us...relationships are personal...that is why we are AP...because we overly focus on the other person. One of the best things I am doing is becoming aware of these autopilot responses...and then owning them as coming from inside me. They are not usually built on reality...but boy we can react as if they are. I will ask you...do you want to stay in touch? Even if he doesn't respond, even if he finds someone else? If the answer is "yes", then keep texting him. Just be aware that you will continue to be triggered...you will continue to have these autopilot thoughts. For me, right now, the thought of cutting B from my life is far too painful...so I accept that because I am choosing to stay in contact, I am bringing about my own painful moments. But I am trying to use those moments to understand myself better...that is what I have chosen to do. You have the same choice...it really is up to you. š |
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Post by sandiew662 on Jun 1, 2018 7:10:41 GMT
Aww thankyou for your reply , yes id like to be on friendly terms regardless although i do understand that maybe thats partially due to my own abandonment issues, to be honest some of the anxiety and stress has returned since he replied then ignored me again, i dont want that!
I have been working on myself but it sounds like your further along with that than me .xx
The hardest thing for me is believing that this is not about me ..i think when ur anxious as you say u cant help but take it personal.im going to read your thread today and others and try to gain a more secure insight as to my own reactions . Thankyou xx
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 1, 2018 13:32:25 GMT
I am not "ahead" of you at all....I have just been at this a tad longer on these boards. Case in point, last night I looked up what is the difference between I care a lot about you and I love you....because B tells me the former now. And, the answers were not a surprise...someone can care about you and not love you...ouch! My heart hurt/sank reading those words because I wanted those words to read into so much more....that was my "hope" and I cried at the great distance between how he feels about me and how I feel about him. I even got a bit angry/entitled as in why doesn't he love me when I love him so much. However....as I thought about it more....through a more adult lens.....I am grateful that B cares a lot about me....I am grateful that he has been honest with me. I wanted to send him another long explanation of how we have different feelings for each other...but now I see that the only reason I wanted to send that was to remind him that I am not tracking with him yet. And that is ok...I don't need to remind him of this fact...he knows...we have talked about this before. So what I am trying to do (which is so unique for me) is to let in his care for me....I pushed it away because it wasn't what I wanted...it wasn't "love" so I rejected it....but why reject a gift because it isn't 100% of what we desire? So that is what I am working on right now...being ok with him being in a different place than me and accepting his care without questioning it or rejecting it. If you click on my name you will reach a page where you can then click to look at my posts...believe me...you and I are more similiar than you think. Good luck.
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Post by mrob on Jun 1, 2018 14:20:30 GMT
I donāt know how others are, but there have been times where I have only been able to feel the feeling retrospectively. I just look at my ānot a relationshipā. Well, she knew it was a relationship, and I certainly knew it was after being here a couple of months. The pining has been awful. Iāve done all the AP stuff - gotta love being FA!!
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Post by sandiew662 on Jun 1, 2018 17:04:27 GMT
I dont know what you mean mrob u only felt the feelings retrospectively ?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2018 4:19:45 GMT
I donāt know how others are, but there have been times where I have only been able to feel the feeling retrospectively. I just look at my ānot a relationshipā. Well, she knew it was a relationship, and I certainly knew it was after being here a couple of months. The pining has been awful. Iāve done all the AP stuff - gotta love being FA!! Oh..I can't even imagine what you are going through.š |
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Post by jim3164 on Jun 2, 2018 13:44:02 GMT
My question is why would a secure person want to reengage a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant personality, who has already demonstrated to be high on the continum (since we're not licensed clinicians)? You can't change them no matter how you try in round 2. In truth, they are similar in specific ways to those with narcissist personality disorder. In the beginning of the relationship, they idealize you, which is followed by devaluing you and finally discarding you on the turn of a dime, without any remose or empathy for you. Both personality disorders have the same number #1 fear, intimacy. However, unlike Narcs, who may hoover you back in when they are they are void of their addiction, narcissist supply (NS), Dismissive Avoidants cut you out permanently. Though NPD's are different in many other ways, both disorders are equally damaging to interpersonal relationships. My point is this. I only bring this comparison up becuase I don't think anyone would knowingly enter into what they wanted to be an intimate relationship with a known NPD. The healthy position should hold true for the Dismissive Avoidant, where unlike the Narc, you will see many obvious red flags in the beginning.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 16:24:51 GMT
My question is why would a secure person want to reengage a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant personality, who has already demonstrated to be high on the continum (since we're not licensed clinicians)? You can't change them no matter how you try in round 2. In truth, they are similar in specific ways to those with narcissist personality disorder. In the beginning of the relationship, they idealize you, which is followed by devaluing you and finally discarding you on the turn of a dime, without any remose or empathy for you. Both personality disorders have the same number #1 fear, intimacy. However, unlike Narcs, who may hoover you back in when they are they are void of their addiction, narcissist supply (NS), Dismissive Avoidants cut you out permanently. Though NPD's are different in many other ways, both disorders are equally damaging to interpersonal relationships. My point is this. I only bring this comparison up becuase I don't think anyone would knowingly enter into what they wanted to be an intimate relationship with a known NPD. The healthy position should hold true for the Dismissive Avoidant, where unlike the Narc, you will see many obvious red flags in the beginning. I don't think DAs are the same as those with NPD, you are generalizing and conflating the two.
Certainly, my exDA is extremely respectful and didn't behave like an NPD, didn't idealize, discard, etc. He showed typical DA behavior, cold feet when we got too close, happy and relaxed again after a period of "space", and if he weren't at the extreme end of the spectrum, we would still be together, as I'm slightly more on the DA spectrum myself, being an INTP. 
There are many DAs on this board who think and behave completely differently from a pwNPD or any other Cluster Bs. Many of them are rather adorable, reflective and respectful of others and their boundaries. Of course they are the aware DAs, we are on a forum and strangers to each other and so that could mitigate their DA traits.
I also wouldn't assume that the partner who leaves is always a "DA" in a breakup, unless all the behaviors of a DA are checked. Sometimes, it is also AP, FA or even more extreme DA or dysfunctional Cluster B behavior that scares a relatively healthy partner off. I have certainly broken up with unhealthy partners who then accused me of being a DA, but in fact it was because of their dysfunctional behavior that made me run away, and not because my DA side got triggered.
In other words, DAs, unless co-morbid with some other severe dysfunctional traits, are not the same as those with dysfunctional personalities. With a Secure, an aware DA could become more Secure over time.
I will agree though, to try to gain "inside knowledge", to learn tricks, ways and means to get your ex to miss you, to love you again, etc. is unhealthy. It is much better to be honest, let the ex know you want to get back together with him or her, and then leave it to them to decide if they want to rekindle the relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 18:00:04 GMT
intelligent post @curious |
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