Telling DA a request gently?

This is some really good stuff. I definitely have both AP and DA behaviors when triggered, and it was stressing me out so much i was crying every morning and night.

I think my ex thinks i'm destabilizing, and I think the same of him... and that's the sad part. i can see that now but it's kinda too late to do anything. also, i feel quite put out that I have to be conscious of how I am destabilizing to him, but he doesn't seem to be aware of how he is destabilizing. he thinks he's great and he's making all that effort - which he is, but only in terms of behavior, but not addressing the emotional energy that underlies the relationship.

Not sure about other APs. For me, i was extremely invested in my rship right from the get go, so those shenanigans were really hurtful and it re-traumatized my wounds regarding being unwanted/undesirable enough for someone I love to be clear about what he wants. he says one thing and behaves in another - my previous serious rship was the same. i tried everything, trying harder, trying less, being cold, being warm. nothing i did was useful nor healthy. i was all over the map, trying to create a stable situation that we are both comfortable in, but clearly that wasn't helpful nor appreciated. he did say before, just BE you. don't be anything else. my response to that was, when I am ME, you get annoyed by it and then you punish me for things you don't like now but were things you liked enough to be in a relationship with. when i AM me, sometimes it's great, sometimes you get annoyed by it. it was just maddening.

the "leave threatening" behavior is the trigger for anxiety. it triggers survival mode and panic, if the AP was already invested in the rship. the more secure and centered one gets, the more this behavior is a turn off.

actually, it's really triggering for me because we DO have a good thing and here you are trying to sabotage this with your "specialness". it not only triggered my AP it also triggered my contempt. which... clearly wasn't helpful. he said i wasn't kind and empathetic (which I guess I am not). 

PS: at this point, i've just accepted that i might be alone for the rest of my life, and that's fine. I don't know if this is avoidant or just a healthy acceptance that being alone is not a bad thing. 

Straight APs really don't tend to do this, though I can see an exception in a very long term secure relationship, just in the sense that it's stable not securely attached, where the person is willing to risk protest behaviors because they're absolutely certain the partner won't leave. But otherwise, because the attachment comes with (often unconscious) low self-esteem / insecurity and idealizing the partner because others are "better" than self, it's completely self-defeating to threaten to leave. Maybe if the AP person has issues with anger ie lashes out and says mean things in the moment or if they're really unhappy and it's a complete protest behavior explosion after a long time of suppression, but since the AP always wants to feel more connected and closer... the only other reason I can think of that sort of thing happening off the top of my head is trying to follow don't-be-so-available crappy dating advice. If it did happen, and the response from the partner was eff this $hit, the AP would immediately get triggered and start apologizing and trying to reconnect.

When I was AP, any desire I had to be "chased" to "prove" the partner cared about me was totally offset by fear they'd just leave instead, so I wouldn't ever threaten to be better off alone. I'd never, ever say what my FA ex said to me, if for no other reason than I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship that I thought of as an imposition. I'm happy in functional relationships, and just don't view them so negatively or what's the point? Which is another reason I was hurt and taken aback by that comment.

I'd think the most common AP response would be, try harder. APs don't tend to deactivate, unless they're actually FAs, or at least very close to the FA border and have a fair amount of avoidance. This is because our nervous systems are wired to flood and problem-solve when overwhelmed, not to deactivate. This is because APs saw patterns and magic formulas in the inconsistent caretaker behavior as kids that lead to the belief on some level that they have power over the emotions of others if they just find the right key, as caretakers usually wanted the AP kids to manage their emotions instead of the other way around, of the adult regulating the child's emotions. So the kids only learn how to soothe others, and not how to self-soothe or even that people are supposed to learn how to emotionally self-regulate.

There are times that I would say, I have felt alien in the world.
Not longing to for a place, just seeing that I don't have one. And being ok to march to my own drum and follow my own flow.
I don't know if I have felt conflict.
Just a sense of being removed, and going my own way; as a fated condition rather than a choice. Like eye color maybe. Or the color of skin. That's just what you've got to work with.

There is no way to really know what you've never known, in terms of feeling a deep sense of connection to others. Like, someone can describe what pineapple tastes like but you can't taste it. That's how I have felt about needing another person. You could describe that to me; but I couldn't "taste" it, didn't crave it.

For me, DA attachment has been like that, for most of my life.
People talk of what it's like to have this or that kind of love and connection and whatever, but for most of my life I thought it was made up.

I have felt that connection though, in recent years.
I have developed intimate relationships, friends and otherwise. They are rich but there is lots of space around me, even in those relationships.
Any partner I have had in awareness, I have been able to share openly about all that and just compromise on what I need and what they need. I don't have it perfected, obviously, I just broke up. But I keep growing on my own path and reflecting on what's most important to me.

I don't feel lonely, myself. I feel like I could easily live contentedly with just kind acquaintances and perhaps a fellowship of close friends, who understand me and are available but are the same way, liking to be alone. I like to be in a relationship in some ways, but in the end, they all end one way or another and I can never put all my eggs in that basket. I'll always have me and my interests and inner life and that is what sustains me most.

I don't know if there is anything wrong with that at all, it's just the way I am. I know people like me, we are out there and living lives we love.

I have come a long way but in the end, I'm not certain that the only way to be a full human is to have close relationships. I think that it's possible to have deep and meaningful, healing exchanges with people you don't even know that well, just fellow humans. Sharing the human experience, relating with understanding, and moving on.

Who knows. I probably sound crazy to anyone other than a DA.
Who knows. It's hard to explain.

I believe that's correct. You became conditioned to shut down to stop the pain.

I think it's much more likely an FA would say things like you described than an AP, as FAs are the ambivalent and "inconsistent" style. And when FAs date people more avoidant than they are, they usually present as AP because they're so constantly getting triggered anxious that they don't have time to deactivate.

wait- do you mean "you" as in all "DA" or are you talking about your partner.
Because I've been empathizing here and I am confused.
I feel like you're angry about me expressing a love of peaceful solitude?
But that comes from my own authenticity and healing.
I create in solitude, I study, I develop my passions and talents. I rest. I heal.

Part of healing myself is to accept the reality of things about me, without parhologizing them.
Some people are well suited to solitude, and I don't think it should be held against us.
I mean, hold it against your partner if he hurt you with it, but I don't hurt people with my solitude. I find balance if I am in relationship. But that quality won't disappear from me.
I think I would make a great nun, only I love sex and I'm not religious so darn. lol