Telling DA a request gently?

i think i confuse myself, and overcompensate with APness. haha. i triggered myself into triggering myself!

a thought occurred to me just now... in order to be consistent and loving, i first have to commit to having a life of my own, so that i can share that with others and have a place for others to come and stay in. DAs appear to have a life of their own but they don't really either. The DAs I know never stayed in a place long, nor decorated their houses/offices, nor have a life that's really stable. it might be rich and fulfilling and successful, but there's always this sense that they're not really present. Maybe that's just me - i've always been high functioning and i suppose successful by many standards, with good friends and family. however, i never felt like i had a life of my own, of my own choosing. it's a bizarre feeling. i overcompensate that with making sure my living environment is very comfortable.

Erpppppppps. i did tell my ex that he might be narcissistic or have narcissistic wounding because of certain things. but then, i actually also think that of myself - alot of things i said about him, I can see in myself, just that it manifested in different ways. i drove myself slightly crazy wondering if I was the narc instead and that perhaps I just wasn't even aware of it. 

shiningstar - Yes! My DA said that he wouldn’t put up any pictures or personal effects in his office bc he wanted to be ready any time to make a quick exit!! This was before I knew about attachment!

Haha.
Narcs never question if they are Narcs- ever occurs to them to consider their own possible problems.
You're safe!

There's another side to this, haha.
AP's who are all triggery, asking about their ex DA, begin to interact with DA's here as if the DA poster is their ex.
It's difficult and unpleasant to interact with a triggered AP.
Projection begins to happen, and before you know it the AP poster is saying everything to the DA poster that they'd like to say to their ex. This can be really hurtful, and totally non-supportive of the DA poster, who is here for their own recovery and has their own intentions for interaction.

It happened a couple times on this thread and confused me, I got a little blindsided by the "you" statements you were making at me that sounded accusatory, so I had to clarify and I asked you about it.

The whole vibe can feel anti-avoidant, or like self-justification on the AP's part and if anyone is going to knock that down I guess it would be an avoidant.

For the most part, though, I see AP, FA, and DA all saying the same to new AP posters,... work on seeing yourself clearly, work on seeing your own issues so you can develop a healthier relationship dynamic and not get tangled up with an avoidant partner, who clearly triggers the heck out of you.

Not that there is no value in understanding the other styles. But an over focus on that is part of the AP dilemma, isn't it?
Trying to understand and accommodate and focus outward to the detriment of themselves and even to the detriment of their partner?

Anyway, for me, there is limited use in trying to figure out an ex, I really prefer a healthier partner that can represent themselves more effectively and eliminate guesswork.
Unhealthy attachment security in another person is not so much worth my time and effort to decipher, that's all in the literature.

My thing is to keep growing myself and I really don't need to dissect my ex activated AP's actions in order to understand where I struggle. It helps me see where HE struggles but that's not mine to work with, he's got to do that in himself. I already spent enough time with it to be worn out and exhausted by it.

@mickey, not consciously. Part of the AP nervous system getting flooded is often rumination, so if triggered it's hard to stop it. That's one way it can manifest.