Post by kibbins on Jan 31, 2020 9:52:14 GMT
So to try to wrap this up into as short of a story as possible- if anyone recalls my last update on my FA ex was about him lying regarding his dating history involving me to random women on Bumble which several people said was basically psycho.
We did not talk for 2 months. One afternoon my purse was stolen on set. Had everything i owned in it, and I wasn’t getting off til midnight. He was the only person who had a copy of my apt key. Texted him to please drop the extra key in my box. Some way or another this led to us becoming “friends” and spending Thanksgiving basically just talking at my apt (ugh) since we both are kind of orphans. I was dating someone. I had D leave so J (new guy) could come over. I felt good about everything at this point. We hang out again another week later... that’s when he makes a move and we hook up. Kinda confused at this point but basically succumb to still being in love with D and he deleted his dating apps and we decide we’re giving this another shot. A mistake. Spent Xmas and New Years together. That’s when the sex came to an end again. Then problems arise around this point. He spends months planning a bachelor party for his friend that isn’t til June when he has never planned one trip for us ever (“I am doing this bc I care about spending time with these people”)... ok.. thoughtless about plans with me again, excluding me again, won’t hang out with my friends, goes from actively talking about the future and buying a house to making statements like “I don’t know how to have a relationship/I hope to figure it out one day”, going from asking if me meeting his family will make me happy to taking it off the table, going from having sex to sleeping on opposite sides and him having an actual physical reaction when I try to touch him. We were supposed to see a therapist together next week.
So the last thing was this past Monday- after not having sex for a month now, I tried to initiate in the morning.. it started going somewhere but then he basically leaped out of bed hurriedly put pants on while saying he had to go to work (it was 2 hrs before he had to leave) and that his mouth was dry and ran into his living room, heard him put on a podcast and get in the shower. The shower drags on so I could tell he was avoiding me so I left. Neither of us have texted since.
The more I reflect on it I know how hopeless it is, at least now, like, but pretty much ever. He is so self involved, it is all about preserving his own feelings and ego, everything. And every time we fight I have to be the one to repair. The only one doing any work. Also, initiating sex isn’t easy for me at all. I felt vulnerable. He shut me down and then on top of it can’t even reach out to text me. Anyway, I don’t know what to do about this therapist appointment... if I should bother telling him I’m canceling it, and why. The only thing that makes me think is that he was molested as a child so maybe this is my fault because i was traumatizing him... but this is just a small part of the myriad of issues that keep us from having anything close to stable and I’m so sick of being the one to reach out. So, that’s where I’m at. I’m an idiot.
By the way, spent some time wondering if he is a covert narcissist. But there are a few things that don’t fit that description. For example, zero controlling behavior, no jealousy, trusts me, doesnt cut me down/compliments me, doesn’t blame me (will actively say it is all his fault and that he wishes he wasn’t like this), open about poor self esteem and his shyness/near autistic social anxiety.
Narc traits he has: very very selfish, egotistical, v concerned about image, workaholic, v concerned with rising to top of workplace, exhibits narc rage, does “personality mirroring”, lies, “fake empathy”.
We did not talk for 2 months. One afternoon my purse was stolen on set. Had everything i owned in it, and I wasn’t getting off til midnight. He was the only person who had a copy of my apt key. Texted him to please drop the extra key in my box. Some way or another this led to us becoming “friends” and spending Thanksgiving basically just talking at my apt (ugh) since we both are kind of orphans. I was dating someone. I had D leave so J (new guy) could come over. I felt good about everything at this point. We hang out again another week later... that’s when he makes a move and we hook up. Kinda confused at this point but basically succumb to still being in love with D and he deleted his dating apps and we decide we’re giving this another shot. A mistake. Spent Xmas and New Years together. That’s when the sex came to an end again. Then problems arise around this point. He spends months planning a bachelor party for his friend that isn’t til June when he has never planned one trip for us ever (“I am doing this bc I care about spending time with these people”)... ok.. thoughtless about plans with me again, excluding me again, won’t hang out with my friends, goes from actively talking about the future and buying a house to making statements like “I don’t know how to have a relationship/I hope to figure it out one day”, going from asking if me meeting his family will make me happy to taking it off the table, going from having sex to sleeping on opposite sides and him having an actual physical reaction when I try to touch him. We were supposed to see a therapist together next week.
So the last thing was this past Monday- after not having sex for a month now, I tried to initiate in the morning.. it started going somewhere but then he basically leaped out of bed hurriedly put pants on while saying he had to go to work (it was 2 hrs before he had to leave) and that his mouth was dry and ran into his living room, heard him put on a podcast and get in the shower. The shower drags on so I could tell he was avoiding me so I left. Neither of us have texted since.
The more I reflect on it I know how hopeless it is, at least now, like, but pretty much ever. He is so self involved, it is all about preserving his own feelings and ego, everything. And every time we fight I have to be the one to repair. The only one doing any work. Also, initiating sex isn’t easy for me at all. I felt vulnerable. He shut me down and then on top of it can’t even reach out to text me. Anyway, I don’t know what to do about this therapist appointment... if I should bother telling him I’m canceling it, and why. The only thing that makes me think is that he was molested as a child so maybe this is my fault because i was traumatizing him... but this is just a small part of the myriad of issues that keep us from having anything close to stable and I’m so sick of being the one to reach out. So, that’s where I’m at. I’m an idiot.
By the way, spent some time wondering if he is a covert narcissist. But there are a few things that don’t fit that description. For example, zero controlling behavior, no jealousy, trusts me, doesnt cut me down/compliments me, doesn’t blame me (will actively say it is all his fault and that he wishes he wasn’t like this), open about poor self esteem and his shyness/near autistic social anxiety.
Narc traits he has: very very selfish, egotistical, v concerned about image, workaholic, v concerned with rising to top of workplace, exhibits narc rage, does “personality mirroring”, lies, “fake empathy”.
