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Post by annieb on Apr 28, 2020 16:24:21 GMT
I am fairly aware of a lot of my issues and tendencies in relation to being insecurely attached and have done work to get through them. I am somewhere between secure and FA. I still struggle dating though. I do not have any AP style tendencies to try to win over a potential partner. But if something slightly triggers me, I find myself starting to destroy the person in my mind. I am trying to work through something currently. I have some genuine concerns about someone I am dating and need to investigate further about these concerns. Since stability and security is important to me, if I date someone who is not very aware or certain of what they are looking for, or if they are not intentional about what they want, I will bail. I may be dealing with that right now. As I take time to further investigate, my mind is analyzing the situation, and in discussing this concerns with friends, I found myself destroying him in my mind. I guess they saw so and assumed I was done in how I was talking about him. I have no doubts my concerns are real, but I don't think they are worth walking for at this point. However, now that I have done this destruction in my mind, I have little motivation to investigate, and I am somewhat suspicious of his motives. Can anyone relate or provide any insight as to how to make this easier? It is too early to have discussions with him on any feelings related to attachment. What you’ve done may be referred as “splitting”, painting the person all bad or all good. Are there any good qualities you can still see in this person? Is there evidence that maybe despite being ambiguous in words, the actions say otherwise? Maybe he does have goals and dreams and security, but he is not describing it in words? I would ask him to make my determination. |
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Post by dhali on Apr 28, 2020 21:19:54 GMT
It strikes me that a securely attached person would express this exact stuff to their partner or proposed partner. Why don’t you just tell him what you just wrote? Isn’t that honest communication? Doesn’t that give him the dignity and respect to field the silent, one sided conversation you’re having with yourself? Sure you may be right. It may even be probable that you’re right.. but by not bringing the topic into the field of play will kill whatever may be there.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 29, 2020 8:28:32 GMT
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Post by annieb on Apr 29, 2020 14:05:42 GMT
What I was looking for on here was any suggestions, if anyone had any practical techniques on how to deal with similar emotions. I know what I need to do in having direct conversation with the person I'm dating and I have no problem doing this, but even his words/response won't mean much until time and actions prove his words to be true (assuming we do want the same thing). In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how to not unreasonably destroy him in my mind. Because our communication is "scheduled", I have to wait to have this discussion with him, and the more time goes on as I wait, the more I think negatively of him. This works for me, but it’s not any kind of “technique”, and I know if it’s healthy, but in my mind I sometimes temporarily “break up” with a person, and don’t necessarily tell them. Detach, so that you don’t have any expectations of them and merely see them as a friend. I seem to have much more compassion for my friends and family than I do for a potential SO. I feel like I judge them very harshly. So when I do this, I’m able to have a more positive image of them, because my expectations are reduced. |
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Post by annieb on Apr 30, 2020 14:31:40 GMT
alexandraThank you. I will look at these. anniebThat's helpful and something along the lines of what I was looking for. Different perspectives always help. I probably have some more inner healing to do in general, but I need to figure out ways to be able to healthily date without having these thoughts that trigger emotions and overwhelm me enough to shut down. I need other thoughts or perspectives to practice. As an FA, I do both hate having too many expectations on me and I have them of others myself, so what you said makes a lot of sense. I thought about it a little more and where those “expectations” are coming from for me, and they are really an attempt at control. To control the outcome of the interaction or a relationship as of that would determine my self worth. I’m simultaneously giving the power to them and taking it back. In the past things that have generally helped for me to stop the need of control have been yoga and exercise. Those are the moments I really don’t have a need for control. Also when my dopamine is doing well, if I’m on proper medication and proper self care routine. |
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Post by annieb on Apr 30, 2020 14:46:59 GMT
Sorry for all the different posts. So basically as an AP I give the power, as an FA I give the power and take the power. As a secure the power always stays with me. I’ve been all three in different circumstances and times.
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Post by amber on May 1, 2020 3:57:16 GMT
Just a side note but you can’t really be secure and FA at the same time. The premise of FA is that you have a disorganised attachment style. You can’t be organised and disorganised at the same time. Secure, avoidant, and anxious styles all have an organised strategy for getting their needs met, FA do not have a strategy, hence being disorganised. You can’t sit in both camps.
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Post by mixedsyles on May 1, 2020 5:42:01 GMT
Just a side note but you can’t really be secure and FA at the same time. The premise of FA is that you have a disorganised attachment style. You can’t be organised and disorganised at the same time. Secure, avoidant, and anxious styles all have an organised strategy for getting their needs met, FA do not have a strategy, hence being disorganised. You can’t sit in both camps. I also write a post where I described that I feel secure but I also feel like I am a FA. Maybe it depends on where we are at the spectrum. We all have traits from different attachment style although one dominant. |
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Post by amber on May 1, 2020 7:51:01 GMT
Just a side note but you can’t really be secure and FA at the same time. The premise of FA is that you have a disorganised attachment style. You can’t be organised and disorganised at the same time. Secure, avoidant, and anxious styles all have an organised strategy for getting their needs met, FA do not have a strategy, hence being disorganised. You can’t sit in both camps. I also write a post where I described that I feel secure but I also feel like I am a FA. Maybe it depends on where we are at the spectrum. We all have traits from different attachment style although one dominant. If you read the science and literature behind it you’re either insecure or secure. You may get more triggered insecure by certain people but you really can’t be both when it boils down to it |
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Post by alexandra on May 1, 2020 8:15:07 GMT
Sorry for all the different posts. So basically as an AP I give the power, as an FA I give the power and take the power. As a secure the power always stays with me. I’ve been all three in different circumstances and times. That makes some sense, but don't you always give some power to someone if you get attached? That person has the power to hurt you. I always imagined the key to relationship success is being able to give some (not all) power to someone who you know to be safe.
No, you don't. It's a fallacy of insecure attachment, that there's always a power struggle and to an extent transactional nature to all relationships.
As an earned secure, I don't think about relationships in terms of power anymore at all. It isn't that the power is staying with me versus going to someone else. It just isn't even a thing that crosses my mind, whereas when I was AP I for sure thought about relationships in terms of who had the power. And at the time, the power feeling unequal was somehow the worst thing in the world to me (especially if I felt like I had less). This is universally an insecure attachment problem in part because all insecure attachment styles struggle with control issues. But power in a relationship is defined by you and is in your head, and only exists to the extent you allow it to exist in your head. When emotionally available, functional, and healthy, you take responsibility for regulating your own feelings, so another person may do things that are hurtful, but you still feel your feelings, process them, and then decide how you choose respond.
So now mine is an approach of, I trust myself and I trust other people (who are worthy of my trust). I can balance being either independent or interdependent and hold good boundaries all around in a healthy way. I don't need anything from a partner because I am a whole person but choose another whole person so we can enrich each other's lives. And if it doesn't work out, I haven't invested in an unhealthy way that threatens my identity, so it is very sad to break up but not devastating because it wasn't about a power exchange. It was about the mutual choice to make a dedicated commitment.
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Post by alexandra on May 1, 2020 8:24:37 GMT
I also write a post where I described that I feel secure but I also feel like I am a FA. Maybe it depends on where we are at the spectrum. We all have traits from different attachment style although one dominant. If you read the science and literature behind it you’re either insecure or secure. You may get more triggered insecure by certain people but you really can’t be both when it boils down to it You may also be securely attached with a specific person, which means things are emotionally stable with that person, but overall have an insecure attachment style. But that doesn't mean you also have a secure attachment style. Feeling secure doesn't make you secure. You should take an attachment assessment to see what's going on, but actually secure people do not tend to feel FA. The mindsets and behavioral patterns of both are wildly different, as secure don't automatically experience the nervous system triggering that insecurely attached do (getting flooded with anxiety when overwhelmed as AP or anxious-triggered FA do or shutting down when overwhelmed as DA or avoidant-triggered FA do). |
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Post by mixedsyles on May 1, 2020 12:06:39 GMT
If you read the science and literature behind it you’re either insecure or secure. You may get more triggered insecure by certain people but you really can’t be both when it boils down to it You may also be securely attached with a specific person, which means things are emotionally stable with that person, but overall have an insecure attachment style. But that doesn't mean you also have a secure attachment style. Feeling secure doesn't make you secure. You should take an attachment assessment to see what's going on, but actually secure people do not tend to feel FA. The mindsets and behavioral patterns of both are wildly different, as secure don't automatically experience the nervous system triggering that insecurely attached do (getting flooded with anxiety when overwhelmed as AP or anxious-triggered FA do or shutting down when overwhelmed as DA or avoidant-triggered FA do). I do test insecure but I also can test secure if I answer thinking about the whole picture. I’m really not struggling so much in life. Most of the time I’m happy. I feel anxious, I feel avoidant but I can’t recognize myself with the pain the anxious people describe or the avoidant one. But I don’t see myself as “perfect secure person” either. I have had 3 relationships. The last one wasn’t a committed relationship but long enough that we got attached to each other. All those 3 relationships had hard times but nothing that I couldn’t handle or affect my well being in life in general. I’m just starting seeing someone else now efter 4 months of being single. Being single doesn’t butter me at all but I also enjoy being in a relationship, I can stay and feel pretty happy in a relationship even when things are not so good with a partner all the time. Maybe because I’m always looking at the whole picture and not just what is triggering me. |
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Post by mixedsyles on May 1, 2020 12:36:52 GMT
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Post by mixedsyles on May 1, 2020 12:42:16 GMT
This test I made felt like the most correct because it shows how i feel: Almost in the middle. Not that avoidant, not that anxious and close to secure.
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Post by annieb on May 1, 2020 14:44:16 GMT
Sorry for all the different posts. So basically as an AP I give the power, as an FA I give the power and take the power. As a secure the power always stays with me. I’ve been all three in different circumstances and times. That makes some sense, but don't you always give some power to someone if you get attached? That person has the power to hurt you. I always imagined the key to relationship success is being able to give some (not all) power to someone who you know to be safe. No, as securely attached you never relinquish power because the definition of your worth is always within you. I don’t know if there are any way to achieve this other that working on your self esteem. You also don’t take their power, but sometimes they will throw it at you if they are AP. I’m trying to think back if I’ve ever been a secure in a relationship and there were maybe one or two times that I was in that headspace while in a relationship and I would describe that feeling as freedom. I felt free to act any way I wanted in that relationship. However the minute things went sideways in other areas of my life and my self esteem (fragile as it is) was somehow affected, my FA was usually activated, while in that relationship and I was no longer secure. |
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