alice
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Post by alice on Aug 3, 2020 20:18:11 GMT
The latest person.
We have a lot in common. Not hobbies (but those also), but values and an outlook on the world. We chatted a bit online first. He said something about oversharing, and I asked if he was looking for more real conversation. I asked if he wanted to talk or text but he never really answered. So we kept chatting online. He took a trip and messaged me from there. I left him my number (I rarely have to do this) and told him to send me pics. He did and we were texting. I asked if we could talk and he mentioned the next day (Sunday). All day goes by and 10pm, he sends me a text telling me he's not feeling well. I said "I assume you're asking to postpone our call?" So, yes and he mentioned talking later in the week. Monday I ask if he was feeling better. Yes, and he went into work. Then we text. Okay. Not sure why we aren't on the phone. Tuesday goes by and nothing. Wednesday he texts. We text some back and forth, but by this time, I'm losing interest because something is off. I start talking to someone else. Friday, he sends a BLOCK of text explaining right before pandemic he lost a bunch of friends, abandonment issues flared up...etc. He didn't say breakup, but I have no doubt that's what he meant. He said he he's not ready for anything serious. Not surprised. He seems like a nice guy, so I'm fine, but it irritates me slightly that people do this online. I could have talked to him longer and gotten attached. I don't usually jump on the phone super quickly or on a first date, but I may start to do this. I think it's over 50% of people online in this situation, or at least who aren't honest about what they are looking for. It's frustrating.
So then, he was embarrassed and sent me another text before I answered. I replied quickly because I sensed the anxiety and I told him don't worry about it but give me some time to respond. Less than a day went by and he mentioned again being embarrassed and basically said goodbye. lol. I replied and told him his feelings weren't unusual and I've been there and so has everyone. But yeah, it's not the right time to date so thanks for being honest. I told him I didn't mind if he wanted to talk about current events here and there (we had started to previously). I just didn't want to end up being an emotional crutch or anything. Anyway, that was two days ago. Not sure if I'll hear from him.
I really think dating sites should have "emotionally available" as an option that you have to fill out. Not that everyone would be honest about it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2020 0:23:07 GMT
Honestly, I think the easiest way to do this is take things pretty slowly physically. Not completely withhold affection or not even kiss or make out a little, but space dates out a bit (like once a week the first month), and focus heavily on activities that allow you to talk a lot and get to know each other. And it's not even about distrust or protecting yourself from jumping in if you'd be upset / disappointed etc if you found out the guy wasn't who you thought after only a short time. It's really about seeing how they respond to you not jumping right in to physical stuff. I've noticed that as I've gotten older, these guys who want to play around tend to have no patience for any waiting at all. I mean literally even a few days, not even talking about making them wait for weeks or months. Most who are still single older because they're non-committal don't even want to put real effort in to winning you over if they're getting their physical needs met right away (which might be as capable as they are of intimacy). It's not about the long-time chase for them, just connecting through instant gratification. I've had a lot of guys approach me for a more sexual relationship in the last year, and it's been really enlightening to see if they respond to my saying not yet as I'm looking for something more serious in a respectful way or as a spoiled brat rejection. Some of these men I've known for years but we were never romantically connected. I'll tell you, the ones who responded like adults I still talk to even if nothing more ever happened, and the ones who were entitled and insulted... I lost all respect for and would never recommend anyone I know date them either. And I certainly didn't continue seeing them or ever sleep with them. The pandemic has made safe dating slow down to way too much of a crawl for my taste, but it's interesting that I'm still seeing the same results in regards to filtering out who is really interested in getting to know me. Being forced to not get physical has allowed a lot of space to observe consistency and build trust. However, this is also paired with talking early about what we both want, and so choosing to get to know someone I started on the same page as as well (and then observing if their words and actions align). But it's more about approaching with openness and curiosity, and really listening not hearing what you want to hear, than starting with distrust until shown otherwise. can i strongly strongly recommend steve harvey here? he has a 90 day rule where there's no sex in that 90 days, and discusses a bunch of other principles/rules on his show for women (and men but they feature less simply because of audience demographics) that we often discuss here in more informal terms. he also talks about masculinity and why men act the way they do and so forth. he speaks from experience (3x married!) and from a place of wisdom, him having 7 kids - 3daughters 4sons- and so on. I followed his recommendations to the T when I was dating post-DA and the whole "no sex" thing worked really well. As alexandra said, those who arent truly interested won't wait. My current partner and i didn't start getting physical till at least 2-3 months later, and navigating that period was illuminating of someone's ability to have conversations with you about boundaries and needs. his other tips are also really helpful and changed the way I approached dating and sussed out available men. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2020 0:40:46 GMT
The latest person. We have a lot in common. Not hobbies (but those also), but values and an outlook on the world. We chatted a bit online first. He said something about oversharing, and I asked if he was looking for more real conversation. I asked if he wanted to talk or text but he never really answered. So we kept chatting online. He took a trip and messaged me from there. I left him my number (I rarely have to do this) and told him to send me pics. He did and we were texting. I asked if we could talk and he mentioned the next day (Sunday). All day goes by and 10pm, he sends me a text telling me he's not feeling well. I said "I assume you're asking to postpone our call?" So, yes and he mentioned talking later in the week. Monday I ask if he was feeling better. Yes, and he went into work. Then we text. Okay. Not sure why we aren't on the phone. Tuesday goes by and nothing. Wednesday he texts. We text some back and forth, but by this time, I'm losing interest because something is off. I start talking to someone else. Friday, he sends a BLOCK of text explaining right before pandemic he lost a bunch of friends, abandonment issues flared up...etc. He didn't say breakup, but I have no doubt that's what he meant. He said he he's not ready for anything serious. Not surprised. He seems like a nice guy, so I'm fine, but it irritates me slightly that people do this online. I could have talked to him longer and gotten attached. I don't usually jump on the phone super quickly or on a first date, but I may start to do this. I think it's over 50% of people online in this situation, or at least who aren't honest about what they are looking for. It's frustrating. So then, he was embarrassed and sent me another text before I answered. I replied quickly because I sensed the anxiety and I told him don't worry about it but give me some time to respond. Less than a day went by and he mentioned again being embarrassed and basically said goodbye. lol. I replied and told him his feelings weren't unusual and I've been there and so has everyone. But yeah, it's not the right time to date so thanks for being honest. I told him I didn't mind if he wanted to talk about current events here and there (we had started to previously). I just didn't want to end up being an emotional crutch or anything. Anyway, that was two days ago. Not sure if I'll hear from him. I really think dating sites should have "emotionally available" as an option that you have to fill out. Not that everyone would be honest about it. ahh, all the inconsistency showing already! the first red flag is the first call he missed and then not setting a date. I've met quite a few people who are like this, not just romantically but even as colleagues. they say yes let's meet up this date and then never follows up and it never happens. I used to make alot more accommodations for it but now if it happens once, this person is out of my life and I don't speak to that person again unless there's a need. sorry you're experiencing this but online dating takes energy and lots and lots of frogs! |
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alice
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Posts: 128
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Post by alice on Aug 4, 2020 1:14:37 GMT
can i strongly strongly recommend steve harvey here? he has a 90 day rule where there's no sex in that 90 days, and discusses a bunch of other principles/rules on his show for women (and men but they feature less simply because of audience demographics) that we often discuss here in more informal terms. he also talks about masculinity and why men act the way they do and so forth. he speaks from experience (3x married!) and from a place of wisdom, him having 7 kids - 3daughters 4sons- and so on. I followed his recommendations to the T when I was dating post-DA and the whole "no sex" thing worked really well. As alexandra said, those who arent truly interested won't wait. My current partner and i didn't start getting physical till at least 2-3 months later, and navigating that period was illuminating of someone's ability to have conversations with you about boundaries and needs. his other tips are also really helpful and changed the way I approached dating and sussed out available men. I honestly can't remember what prompted these comments. Maybe someone else was commenting. I've never gone fast physically. Ever. And I still get plenty of issues in dating. I dated an FA who had no intent on getting physical because of his avoidance. Surprisingly, plenty of guys will wait for this but still turn out to have issues or be playing around. Some find it to be a challenge and exciting because they figure out I'm holding off on this aspect. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 4, 2020 1:17:44 GMT
alice, you're not alone. Last week, one guy cancelled on me an hour before the meetup we even had confirmed just the day before (and no, he didn't have a good excuse, just didn't feel like it). I communicated frustration though was nice about it, then removed him a couple days later (I usually wait a couple days to be nice and see if they want to apologize or something, though I won't be rescheduling once that happens). Another guy didn't cancel totally last minute, but it was still after a bunch of back and forth to meet up. Pretty sure both these guys just had issues, and neither said it had anything to do with me. Especially since I hadn't met either yet. Sadly, most unaware insecure attachers don't actually know that they're emotionally unavailable! So the filter won't help. The best you can do is hope a guy is being honest and upfront about it if he only wants something casual.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2020 1:53:34 GMT
eh, the trials and tribulations of dating. I can't remember too but I think there's always been discussion of sex and intimacy and going too fast in the forums, so I'm sorry this doesn't apply to you alice but I hope it's of help to someone else is reading these threads. I've met those who find it a challenge and want to "conquer" as well as those who just didnt want sex anyways. It's hard to sieve through all of these issues and then somemore with setting up dates etc etc. alexandra is right that you're not alone in these issues! i've once had someone confirm a date, and then cancel it without telling me when I was on my way out - he just deleted me off and I found out when checking the app on the train to the meeting place! |
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alice
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Posts: 128
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Post by alice on Aug 4, 2020 2:06:05 GMT
alexandra Ugh, sorry to hear that. I don't think this guy (and some others that have been unavailable) want something casual, they just can't handle commitment. I see a difference. Because the healing journey is up and down, maybe in a moment of up, they feel they can handle it. I don't know, but as soon as a guy tells me his breakup was recent, particularly if something serious, I'm out. I can't tell you how many times I hear "oh it was over long before that." I see a lot of men's profiles say "I don't want a pen pal," so I guess the ladies are doing this too. How does anyone get together anymore? Maybe it the age, but I also want to say it's the nature of online dating as you are dispensable because there is another option in the slot next to you in the vending machine.
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alice
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Post by alice on Aug 4, 2020 2:11:30 GMT
@shiningstar Thumbs down on that story. Yeah, the larger issue is if it's not one thing, it's another. A year or so ago a friend of mine who doesn't date much and has really high standards told me about a friend who started dating a guy and he asked her to be exclusive on the first date. She was very impressed by this because what she has witnessed from men she's worked with who date and other female friends of hers is that the men are commitment phobes. I told her ehhh on the exclusivity right away thing because I had a bad relationship with someone, likely narcissist, who locked things down right away also. He was controlling and I was constantly fighting him for ...what I now know is boundaries. So that is the thing, for someone who has had non committal men, that seems like a dream. But then, it isn't. It's a minefield really, doesn't matter which way you turn sometimes.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 6, 2020 6:35:25 GMT
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alice
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Post by alice on Aug 6, 2020 9:38:46 GMT
Nice. Let's just all be transparent. Makes it easier. |
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alice
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Post by alice on Aug 10, 2020 22:00:29 GMT
The latest online dating debacle....
Has anyone ever had a guy (or girl) get mad at them in the instance you are protecting yourself? For instance, I use a screen name online. It appears to be a real name though. I also use a VoIP number to start. I don't really explain any of this to the other person, but it is a protective mechanism, and as a woman, I feel I have every right to do this online. Generally if we exchange numbers after chatting a bit, I'll let them know my real (first) name. I've had men ask my last name, and I don't get this. We haven't even met yet. Maybe they want to run a check on me (for safety?) but I don't go to this extent myself. But I had one get upset at me for this. How is this unreasonable? If a man can't understand that I need to take protective measures online with all the creeps out there, I don't think that is a man that I am interested in.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2020 23:27:59 GMT
alice it is not. they take it personally because they think it reflects that you don't trust them and they ARE TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLE (who knows!). to be honest, I didn't like it too much myself when the guy "hides" not using his real name, job, or anything - it's a little hard to know whether these people are real and what they're hiding (are they serial killers?!), so I can understand why the others would not like it too. it's a skillful act to balance protecting yourself and being real (i.e., not a scam), but I think getting UPSET is already a red flag.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 10, 2020 23:35:45 GMT
alice, I do the same as you but use my real first name, age, photos. But give out an internet number and use a different email than my normal. Often avoid giving my last name until after we've met. While it sounds like he overreacted and he should be able to better manage his reaction, I will chime in that, as I think we've discussed on one of these online dating threads before, there's tons of scam profiles who chat up men (a way bigger problem than we women ever encounter), so I've noticed some guys are super frustrated because they repeatedly think they're talking to real women and they're not, and they don't get many matches in the first place so it's even more frustrating. You may have inadvertently ended up talking to him after that happened to him a bunch of times and he got excited than suspicious and disappointed. Which doesn't excuse it, and he could just be a jerk, but you can both give him the benefit of the doubt and move on from that particular connection. Maybe try using a nickname of your full name next time that you don't really use? So it's not as jarring if you say actually I go by this (something similar but that they won't find you if you're concerned about them searching. Like, Alisha instead of Alice, as an example).
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alice
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Post by alice on Aug 10, 2020 23:50:13 GMT
@shiningstar alexandraEverything else in my profile is real. I put out a LOT of information about myself. And since screen names are a common online occurrence, I don't see how it is harmful. alexandra, I understand what you are saying, but I need some mutual objectivity on this, I guess. And the answer is to move on. I just found his reaction to be rude, and I won't be treated that way. |
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Post by kittygirl on Aug 11, 2020 0:01:00 GMT
alice-I have a friend (a guy) who gets upset when women don't want him to pick them up at their houses on the first date and want to meet in public. He and I have gotten into full on yelling matches about this (I say it's perfectly normal as women are often CONCERNED FOR THEIR LITERAL SAFETY) Aand he thinks it comes across as "rude because it's like they don't trust me". I say "They DONT trust you! They don't f**king know you!" and he says all sorts of crap about how it's a totally unfair assumption etc. To me, it's a hallmark of real immaturity and (weirdly-and I can't fully explain why or how) misogyny. Like you're entitled to something you absolutely ARENT entitled to. It's unearned intimacy and it's gross. I would be extremely wary of men like this (and I am speaking as someone who has a friend who does this...BUT....full disclosure...he is misogynistic for what it's worth)
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