Confused, lost and hurt

I'm glad you are aware and can acknowledge this. You may want to consider the fact that you've been AP since you were a child, which was the result of the trauma. But you weren't aware because it wasn't obviously manifesting until you got involved in romantic relationships. And because emotional abuse and insecure attachment dynamics tend to be normalized in family units in which this happens (insecure attachment often runs in families, for both nature and especially nurture - related reasons), you have zero idea that your mindset is insecure. It just seems normal and all you've ever known.

I didn't realize how differently others could think from how I do until I was in my 30s... sort of absurd that I didn't know, but I assumed all humans had an equal need and desire for love and companionship etc. and must process things in a fundamentally similar way (though some endured more trauma, some have better or worse character than others, there are layers of differences of course but I still thought everyone at their core operated similarly, and similar to me since why would I be different when we're all human). Realizing I was always AP and there are different mindsets (which to me personally makes most sense in the secure, AP, DA, FA framework -- in the simpler context of neurotypical people without personality disorders and major mental issues) was a lightbulb for me that helped me relate to other people better and depersonalize responses.

Again, the reason I'm bringing this up and think it's important at all is because one of the steps to potentially earning secure can be understanding your narrative for how you got to where you are. Reflecting on it objectively, without projection, putting your own words to describing what happened to you and how you felt, and that narrative becoming a tool to help you start to process the trauma you went through as a child. That doesn't work for everyone and I believe is more a talk therapy tool than say a Somatic Experience therapy tool (the latter, you work with sensations in your body rather than straight talk therapy about the past). But it was an enormous help in my own process. I wasn't able to talk about ANY of this stuff most of my life... too vulnerable, couldn't appear perfect enough to delve into talking about this, made me defensive and insecure immediately... but it turned out I didn't actually have the words for it anyway until I finally was in enough pain to delve into all this.

Thank you Alexandra. Thing is I just want to know from your experience, are there ever a success story of reconciliation with a DA/FA? Or they all are failures once the DA/FA checked out? 

I guess this is the cue for me to cut my losses and walk away. 

Today I kept asking her for a definite answer but she isn't giving me one. She just kept saying don't wait for her. I guess its over. However for me, without a clear cut, I can't process it without branding the next person as a rebound. This is so hard. 

You're right. I am attempting to walk away because I am not getting an answer after pushing her out of sheer frustration. However what is the point of hanging on when I'm just flogging a dead horse? 

My last message to her is that I will still wait for an answer from her and will not be able to find someone else (though she suggested that) in the meantime as I am still connected to her. 

This is everything I read these threads for:) I need to tattoo this on my forearm.

So...I would like to suggest a slight change.....Because starting off with “you did” puts the other person on the defensive.  The best way is to start with I statements because in all fairness.....it isn’t her action that you are trying to address but your reaction.  I feel x when i notice you doing y.