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Post by dullboat123 on May 24, 2021 3:27:37 GMT
No I know that I am not responsible for her depression (though she tried to pin it on me) and avoidant nature. However I was made to feel that my reaction to her abuse is my fault. The psychiatrist said it is not exactly my fault because I was being severely manipulated and gaslighted. The psychiatrist saw my reports for that amount of therapy I did concurrently with 2 therapist and from the way I talked to him (I told him my whole life), he said I am already on the right track and he won't see me till a much later date because I am operating quite normally now. He did commented that being an army officer and in leadership roles in the swimming team and now working life, played a big part in his assessment of me that I am normal and can cope with my childhood trauma without any issues. She made it to be all my fault and as usual, blocked me everywhere on the drop of a hat. She does that even to her own biological mother. What chance do I have? As Jeb said before, avoidants tend to hurt the people closest to them. I don't wish her all the best. Matter of fact, I wish her the worst because she needs to wake up and OWN her issues before she abuses anyone else. Abusers/narcissists don't deserve to be happy. I have nothing against the avoidants on here because they are AWARE and are working on themselves. My ex and perhaps a larger fraction of them are still unaware and harming people out there. Or in the case as my ex, is just too arrogant to admit she has an issue. Logically speaking...a job, regardless of if it is an army officer, a lawyer, a psychiatrist etc cannot address the wounds from childhood. It can certainly “mask” wounds...but does not heal them. Healing inner wounds requires inner work...while jobs are just performance based. 🤷🏻♀️ Since this thread is still focused on being “all about how bad she is” with no consideration at all for any inner healing you might want to do...I will disengage. I wish you all the best. If I have any inner healing to do, don't you think the psychiatrist would have told me by now??? |
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2021 4:31:16 GMT
Interesting, that although it's your romantic relationship history that's been troubling, a psychiatrist noted your accomplishments in other areas to, as you describe it, basically give you a clean bill of health mentally/emotionally.
Long before I was an aware avoidant I was an unaware avoidant and have excelled in many areas, all that unaware time. Leadership, check. Professional excellence, check. Creative success, check. All that done by that unaware avoidant you fear so much.
Food for thought... in assessing an area of one's life, the relevant history is the biggest indicator of dysfunction. You have a long history of being with what you call narcissists and toxic abusers, by no accident and by your own choices. You made choices that not every person would make, that was you. Being sound in one area of life doesn't mean you're sound across the board, but that is an idea you seem to completely reject and that's your prerogative.
It seems questionable to me that a perfectly healthy mature man would log into an internet forum after a roller coaster several months, to assure strangers on the internet that he's perfectly healthy. It seems like you're whistling in the dark. I mean, I wouldn't imagine that as something that someone who has it all figured out would do, repeatedly.
If you go on from now with a different relationship pattern based on healthier choices then that's the bee's knees and you've learned something, good for you. It remains to be seen but best of luck.
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Post by dullboat123 on May 24, 2021 5:14:31 GMT
Interesting, that although it's your romantic relationship history that's been troubling, a psychiatrist noted your accomplishments in other areas to, as you describe it, basically give you a clean bill of health mentally/emotionally. Long before I was an aware avoidant I was an unaware avoidant and have excelled in many areas, all that unaware time. Leadership, check. Professional excellence, check. Creative success, check. All that done by that unaware avoidant you fear so much. Food for thought... in assessing an area of one's life, the relevant history is the biggest indicator of dysfunction. You have a long history of being with what you call narcissists and toxic abusers, by no accident and by your own choices. You made choices that not every person would make, that was you. Being sound in one area of life doesn't mean you're sound across the board, but that is an idea you seem to completely reject and that's your prerogative. It seems questionable to me that a perfectly healthy mature man would log into an internet forum after a roller coaster several months, to assure strangers on the internet that he's perfectly healthy. It seems like you're whistling in the dark. I mean, I wouldn't imagine that as something that someone who has it all figured out would do, repeatedly. If you go on from now with a different relationship pattern based on healthier choices then that's the bee's knees and you've learned something, good for you. It remains to be seen but best of luck. Hmm...this is triggering.....completely sounds like what my ex would totally say... And as what Jeb indicated " In big and small ways, dismissives..........., and your inner emotional state is your problem". So yes doesn't matter how shitty an avoidant treat others even borderline abuse, how others react to their abuses is not the avoidant's problem. One of the classic lines my ex always says to me "That sounds like a you problem". |
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2021 5:37:41 GMT
Every person that has responded on this thread has suggested you have some work to do on your own attachment issues, and please read thoroughly what Jeb says about people who pursue relationships with incredibly unavailable partners.
Most seem to have stopped responding to this thread and it's not a bad way to go, I think. Carry on.
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Post by anne12 on May 24, 2021 6:00:08 GMT
Most people will be affected by being with a narcissist, a person with narc traits, BPD It affects your body, mind and soul. Dr. Ramani m.youtube.com/watch?v=eJr1WQyNpH4m.youtube.com/watch?v=-vmKnOhdCH0jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36895/Narcs and anger jebkinnisonforum.com/post/19774/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/29355/Have you had an ex with npd/BPD/aspd? Boundary violations, degrading treatment can affect our nervous system and our intuition may have been harmed by having been in a relationship with a narcissist ect. We can doubt, whether we can rely on our intuition afterwards. There has often been an overstepping of boundaries in the relationship Your own judgment and intuition has been manipulated. You are going to live in an alarm condition state in the relationship and after the relationship has ended. Chok trauma and unsertanty can get stuck in your nerveussystem. Therefore, it may be a good thing to get the trauma energy landed by an SE / attatchment therapist.(working on the instinktive level - reptile brain level) -talk therapy is often not enough. Also working with boundaries and working on how to trust other people/a potentional partner again. There may have been a lot of jealousy, violations, accusations in the relationship. Either you won't date again (given up state) or you will attract a new partner, who also will overstep your boundaries. In somatic experience you can work on getting your lifeenergi back with different techniques An attachment / SE / gestalt therapist Weather this person is a narc or not you can work with a well trained therapist to help you to heal your heart. You can work with a broken heart in 3 different levels - the cognitive level, the emotionel level and the instinctive level. Every time your heart gets hurt, it closes a little. So what can you do to be free and so that you can open your heart up again. We can walk around with a broken heart from.a past relationship without realising it jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-before-changing-partner |
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Post by anne12 on May 24, 2021 12:13:39 GMT
You can be in a functional freeze state - then you are able to function in your job - again a somatic practitioner will be able to tell.
It is not healthy to walk around in a functional freeze state for too long.
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Post by dullboat123 on May 24, 2021 12:45:45 GMT
Every person that has responded on this thread has suggested you have some work to do on your own attachment issues, and please read thoroughly what Jeb says about people who pursue relationships with incredibly unavailable partners. Most seem to have stopped responding to this thread and it's not a bad way to go, I think. Carry on. So should I listen to people on the internet or my psychiatrist??? He said I'm ok and on the right track, he doesn't need to see me for a while. So do I go back and tell him I'm not ok and is crazy as hell like how my ex gaslighted me?? |
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2021 15:14:15 GMT
Every person that has responded on this thread has suggested you have some work to do on your own attachment issues, and please read thoroughly what Jeb says about people who pursue relationships with incredibly unavailable partners. Most seem to have stopped responding to this thread and it's not a bad way to go, I think. Carry on. So should I listen to people on the internet or my psychiatrist??? He said I'm ok and on the right track, he doesn't need to see me for a while. So do I go back and tell him I'm not ok and is crazy as hell like how my ex gaslighted me?? Sure, if that's what you suspect. If you're not interested in and don't give any weight to the perspectives of the people here you are interacting with, it begs the question why you are here but what's even more confounding is why myself or anyone else might say anything more beyond this point. Please stop quoting me, I'm not interested in engaging further. |
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Post by alexandra on May 24, 2021 16:10:25 GMT
What people have said here is after being with an abusive partner, especially one you stayed with too long because you are aware you have an anxious insecure attachment style (you stated that was true in earlier posts), you will need some time to heal. Because you have an anxious style and have been with two abusive women now, and because you have childhood trauma, there is work you need to do for yourself to process all that trauma. It doesn't mean you're broken, it means there are healthier ways to process and release your anger and not choose abusive partners (or not stay with them if you learn over time they're abusive).
That isn't necessarily that you need emergency work to function right NOW, but over time it's possible for you to feel better about yourself instead of distracting yourself with your professional work etc. if you do introspection work to heal your trauma. You started that with therapists, and you said there have been improvements since then. Great, keep at it!
We are just random people on the internet, many of us who have gone through issues on either the anxious or avoidant side of the coin. We are NOT professionals. But I also know not every professional is equal or good and you may need to try a few before you match with the right one to really help you instead of enabling you to push down your trauma without processing it. One of the reasons therapy didn't work for me was because the first time in college, the therapist told me I was totally fine and normal because I was so high achieving and seemed stable, yet it took me another 20 years to be emotionally healthy enough for a healthy romantic relationship with a healthy partner!!! That therapist was wrong, and I didn't know any better because who does know better in college.
Before you throw in the towel, I strongly suggest you talk to a therapist who SPECIALIZES in attachment issues, BPD, NPD, and childhood abuse. This isn't black and white... yes, you got abused by this woman, yes, your response and how you feel about the abuse and feel now is valid, and yes, that can be true while you also might have more to work on. We seem certain you do because a few months ago you talked about suicide ideation. That's VERY serious, and I'm glad you're doing better but I'm surprised your therapist is just ignoring things like that being so recent because that ideation is complicated in regards to how one views oneself and doesn't come from one bad girlfriend. Good luck finding what you need, or being confident enough to decide for yourself if you don't need more help. We're all about self-help on this board, so of course we're going to encourage you to keep focusing on yourself and your own healing.
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Post by tnr9 on May 24, 2021 17:53:20 GMT
I will just add...my dad was a psychiatrist.....people would be referred to him to see if they needed anything “medically”....anti anxiety, depression, psychotic meds. It may be that your psychiatrist does not see you as requiring any medication...but that does not mean the trauma is still not there. The fact that you are triggered by comments made by introvert indicates that there is still a level of enmeshment.....where boundaries become blurred and statements become personal. I get it because I was stuck in a blame/shame cycle until I started seeing my somatic experiencing therapist and really connected with my body and the trauma I experienced...from various sources.
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Post by doctora on May 29, 2021 1:38:13 GMT
dullboat123I speak from experience. A consequence of my being emotionally abused (or mistreated, since it was not deliberate or manipulative) by my avoidant was that my self-validation muscle became weak. I too went through periods of near suicidal ideation when grad school started, I remember, and felt way less confident than I ever had before. This wasn’t the me that had started to date my ex. This was the me that had gradually developed a tolerance for getting my boundaries violated, the me that was constantly misunderstood and blamed for things, the me that was a target of my ex’s anger. The me that took on way too much responsibility for the relationship, and who beat myself up about mistakes everytime my ex broke up with me. Hearing what people who loved and liked me saw in me and being reminded of who I am and actually could be was one of the most helpful things and it truly got me through that time. Being reminded that I was not the one to blame for all this shit was very important. The most useful work I’ve done, besides improving my relationships with my family of origin (which took place a while ago and not everyone can do), has been allowing myself to be disgusted by my exs behavior, and focus on my self esteem. And when I say self-esteem, this is also confusing because I too am high achieving and have a lot of friends. I mean the self-esteem where you like yourself and you know yourself and you trust yourself. I say - carry on. Let yourself be angry. Inner work/self-improvement can take you far but it’s not a substitute for processing how chaotic and confusing and fucked up your ex partner was. After someone becomes aware of the parallels between their historical choice of toxic partners and their childhoods, it’s like ok, cool, we got it, what’s next? Try to be future focused, learn how to turn inward and be with yourself in sad moments if you haven’t already, learn to be your own friend and protector, and work on self-validating. I don’t think you have to perpetually examine your past if you already understand why you lean anxious. Instead try to work with who you are. Sometimes I get sick of the word healing. Like you’re walking around with a wound for the rest of your life because you had a shitty childhood or a bad relationship. Your attachment style is not a wound that needs to be healed - it needs to be updated, revised. I like the words recovery and thriving more. Processing, transitioning, also ok. You can’t really “heal trauma”, you learn to acknowledge and work with it so it doesn’t stop you from getting what you want out of your life. This is just me, though.. How are you feeling now about the whole thing? In fact, lemme take It a step further and invite you to write here more about the messed up stuff that you’re processing. I get this is a support group for “healing” attachment styles, but it’s also specifically for people who have had traumatic experiences with an avoidant ex, and sharing stories is a huge piece of that.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2021 12:29:46 GMT
Yes whilst I agree that protest behaviours are there for a reason, there are more mature ways of handling it without wrecking relationships like that with friends or even my parents other than my partner. I've had a review of my past blow outs with my friends and family, with comments from my friends to strengthen it, things that comes out of my mouth tends to cut people deep. So I guess perhaps its not an attachment issue, its an issue of tact. Might be a combination of both where me protesting, I would completely lose my tact and empathy. Right...but in order to have more mature ways of handling things....it first requires understanding what need is not being met or boundary is being crossed. Only then can you come up with better tools to address things. It may be that you have an anger or impulsivity issue on top of your attachment issues....however, these usually form in childhood as a result of learning certain ways of dealing with trauma. So, maybe your protest behaviors are more like a 5 year old kid who feels angry or embarrassed and instead of being able to verbalize it...instead lashes out. Insecure attachment in part is being stuck with a limited tool box of responses and therapy is the opportunity to learn some new tools. But those tools won’t stick if you don’t know what you were trying to convey through the protest behavior. Look for patterns...not only in how you protest and why you protest but also when you protest. I used to have really bad protest behaviors after spending time with my mom. I used to call them ripples......I felt judged by her, so I find myself getting short and judging others....mainly while driving. Look for patterns and be curious towards yourself. Remember- this poster recognizes he has an issue with tact. |
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