Confused, lost and hurt

Introvert, Doctora and Simon, thank you for your input. I do apologize for my simplistic explanation and approach at everything as I speak 4 languages and I simply do not have the prowess to articulate my sentences any further.

First of all, I think "rage" is too strong a word for my situation and mental state. Rage insinuates extreme anger with threats of violence. However I do not feel like that at all. I am angry yes. I am pissed, maybe. Overall, I feel myself feeling better everyday once I receive complete closure from my ex (returning our personal effects) and being able to now step outside the circle to look in. There are just so many red flags that I completely overlooked during the relationship. Thus accusing me of not having empathy for her, is quite offensive. Matter of fact, I showed nothing but empathy and patience for almost a year. I never blew up at her. I never raised my voice at her. I simply apologize profusely all the time and spent thousands on therapy for 40 years of baggage that I managed to bury in the mud. till I met her. I ACKNOWLEDGED and did my part of improving myself while she did nothing because her narcissistic self does not allow her to acknowledge her part in all these. It is perpetually the fault of others, not hers - Narcissistic trait 101. Like wagon wheels, I can only come to my side of the wagon, if she doesn't come to her side, the wagon still won't work. But her gaslighting means her side of the wheel was not fixed to the wagon while complaining my wheel isn't round enough.

Yes Introvert might be right. We might be triggering each others wounds but I am doing something on my part while she did nothing but put the blame solely on me. That's the main takeaway in all this.

Its not that she doesn't know what to do. The couple therapist already told her to be more communicative and open so that she doesn't trigger me while I need to work towards more secure, which I am. It was ok for maybe a month or 2, then she slips back to her usual self of complete withdrawal and non-communication where I have to play the mind reader. It happened literally overnight. ANY person, no matter what attachment style will be sent into a spiral of confusion and anxiety. Mind you, ALL I did was reach out to her via text asking what is wrong, did she had a bad day and whether we are on track to fix our relationship. I got NO REPLY. NO ASSURANCE. NO ANSWER TO MY BASIC QUESTIONS. All I got was cold shoulder and discard citing that my reach outs are making her feel on edge again and she can't do it anymore. That was the very next day after telling me we're moving in together, we are exclusive, we are going to have a daughter named Bella and all that bullshit lies. Please think again if you feel that I did not give enough empathy, patience or grace.

I used to be secure. I took the test and I am secure. My 16 years of marriage is a testament to that. Yes my marriage blew up because my ex is a narcissist and took so much that I am left with nothing, financially and emotionally. I have to leave because I have less than $100 in my account, with a $160 bill on the way. I asked my then wife for help only to be told I'm lying about my money. I surely have more money stashed somewhere else. Not to mention complete isolation from my family and friends and being told I'm not a man because she has to work where she wants to stay at home and I pays for her lifestyle. But NEVER ONCE she ever made me feel insecure (emotional or physical cheating), feel like I'm about to be abandoned anytime or lied about having a future together. We did built a life together. We had everything.

So please do not say that I did not show empathy or did nothing to fix my attachment style and wounds. I did everything I can and in the end, I did not even get a face to face break up. I got my stuffs dumped at my place and that was it. Then get a slap on my face that it was all my fault for the break up, that I can only blame my own behaviour (sms too much?). In my final message to her, I pleaded for her to seek help and at least speak to someone about her depression. I have no reply to that.

Her FINAL message to me was "Thank you for reinforcing my decision of leaving you.".

I'm sorry if what I've expressed made you feel this way, it's not what was intended.  Also, a lack of empathy was articulated by you in your earlier posts, and that was when you referred to yourself as raging.  So, I haven't expressed anything that you didn't express yourself, and was only hoping to support your ongoing efforts to heal your trauma and attachment style so you don't find yourself re-victimized again.  It sounds like you have a lot of trauma history from a life time of abuse, and I hope that you find the peace and love you deserve.

I really can't express it any more clearly than that, and if you are unable to accept my apology and effort to help you understand where I am coming from, there is nothing I can do about that.  I do wish you the very best moving forward. 

That's the thing. My avoidant ex isn't completely unavailable at all times. Sometimes the communications flowed so freely that I feel that we are in a relationship and that we are really getting somewhere fixing it. 

Then there will be times where its like a tap turned off with complete withdrawal and she isolates herself from the world....without letting me know. I am not a mind reader. 

Her behaviour is almost bipolar and the mindfuck nearly got me fired from my job while I worked with 2 therapists concurrently and took medication like I have terminal cancer. Then, its all my fault for the break up, for her withdrawal - not her unmedicated depression. Not her shady behaviours. Not her severe bouts of anxiety. Not her stonewalling. Not her passive-aggressiveness. Not her being physically abusive to me when I tried to hold her hand and talk to her. 


I just feel that when it comes to avoidants. Rather than looking inwards, we should look outwards and call out their shitty behaviours. Avoidants are just not relationship or parent material (Please refer to Jeb's work and many many online resources on avoidant attachment). We should raise awareness that it will never (or extremely rarely) work with an avoidant no matter what sort of attachment style you are if the avoidant is UNAWARE. You got to think about in the case where someone persevere with an avoidant and have children, the potential damage the avoidants and their dysfunctional family can do to an innocent child....

Dullboat, I have to be honest... it sounds like there were massive red flags everywhere, so none of this should be surprising at this point to you. I think a lot of the "energy": you are feeling is because your eyes are really opening to the situation, many things and pieces that you had suppressed for a long time.

Likely the anger you feel is part the "unfairness" of it all, but also... likely some anger at yourself, that you didn't protect your inner child, and that a piece of yourself knew better. That frustration and sadness of the "part" of yourself (an inner child) needs to be addressed and healed, it needs to know that it can trust you again.

Additionally, I think you're looking for validation that you did your best, that you did everything right, tried to go to therapy, tried to work on things, tried to be a good partner. And it sounds like you did. And I think you are trying to get past all the gaslighting and blame-shifting that you endured during the relationship from her, made to feel as if you weren't good enough or it was all your fault or that you weren't doing something right or that you could have done more.

And guess what? You will NEVER get it from her. So... YOU have to give it to yourself.

Please understand, that she is deeply broken and shame-based, and all of this blame-shift and projection onto YOU, is just a defense of her taking any accountability for a very very very very fragile ego and sense of self that just can not endure the shame of responsibility. So it has to be blamed and projected onto YOU. It's not because you were wrong, it's just that she can't handle that weight and that truth. That simple. OF COURSE she is going to blame everything on you. So stop looking for that validation from her, because you won't get it. And the more you ask from her, the more she has to deny it and defend against it. So....... YOU give it to yourself. It's the only answer. Seeking it from her, will only destroy you more. And the lesson here, is WHY do you seek it from her? WHY can't you give it to yourself?

Unfortunately, while she may be the source of much of your trauma, she is not able to be the healer of it, so it has to be you. You need to stand up in your OWN TRUTH. To be blunt, FUCK what she thinks. Not your problem. It's a fool's errand to try to get healthy validation and closure from someone as deeply fractured as this person; your rational mind knows this.

You are right in that narcissistic abuse (from narc TRAITS) is very damaging. Not to declare anyone a narcissist, or with narcissistic personality disorder, but yes... avoidants tend to engage in narcissistic ego defense mechanisms through narcissistic "traits", like stonewalling, lack of empathy, one-sided communication, lack of accountability, blame-shifting, projection, etc.

There are tons of healthy people out there, and you deserve one. Heal yourself and work on whatever parts that prevent you from engaging with them or being attracted to them. THAT is the only way.

Peace.

I've meant to excuse myself from this thread but I don't mind responding to this since you quoted me.

This is horrible abuse you are describing, that happened when she was an innocent child. Of course she has issues. So do you, if you looked to the woman you've described here to try to form intimacy and get your needs met.

She is much younger than you and you admit you shoved down your childhood trauma until you met her. So you weren't 28, you were what, in your 40's when you began to address it? She's not there. She showed that to you clearly, and without shaming anyone here at all I can say, your choice of a potential mate was not a secure choice. What I see is two traumatized humans making a misguided attempt at love.

I know it would be nice to get some kind of credit for the work you put in, and place some kind of blame for the work she didn't... but there isn't a score card where that has any real world value.

When you are farther along in dealing with your own shame and anger and pain you won't be attracted to the same kind of unavailable partner. I have found, in myself and others- when you are able to take good care of yourself emotionally, you don't beat yourself up much of at all, and you don't beat others up, and you don't allow others to beat you up.

There is a lot of shame flying around this thread that isn't necessary, and it's coming from you. I don't know if you're being sarcastic or angry when you react to her blame- but I do know that if you know it's not true, be angry but let it go. This is what an unaware avoidant is going to do. It's also what unaware insecure people do in general. You don't need to defend yourself here or with her, but you will need to accept, eventually, that she can't and won't validate you. People here won't be able to validate you the way you want or fee you need all the time. Know yourself. If being right in your eyes also means you have to speak with disdain about that traumatized woman, so be it, but maybe one day you won't need to do that.

She's had a lot of trauma and likely CPTSD and a host of other issues stemming from that, it's not reasonable to expect her to work that out in couples therapy. It's just not. And one or two rejections in, you weren't able to let go and take good care of yourself here. That's something to work on, I'm not the only one who is saying it.

Nobody here wants to see you get abused, I don't hear anyone shaming you or anything else other than saying "Take better care of yourself."

If you need to react defensively to that and slam people who say it, again, that's up to you. You've said that you can't take any kind of no. especially when it comes to anything hinting at abandonment. My true belief is that when you stop abandoning yourself in pursuit of love from people who can't give it, you won't have that issue.

Anyway- again- my intention is NOT to be insensitive or cruel. If you want to keep a convo going with me in particular I'll have to represent my own thoughts about it and it seems that won't be fruitful for either of us. Again, I wish you the best, I am not a cruel and hateful person and anyone who knows me well knows that. If my words rub you the wrong way, that's unfortunate but at some point we can draw the convo to a close, and hopefully recognize that no one is really here to do harm.

It's popular to be disdainful of certain attachment types but that , in my opinion, reflects more on the person who harbors disdain than on the type they rail against. I realize it comes from pain and very damaging experiences, with individuals they have chosen as partners, and that they have learned some things that will hopefully help them find healthy love in the future. But there is no need to go internalizing generalizations, for avoidants or AP or anyone else. A person's journey is what it is, and the outcomes will reflect their level of health, in my experience. Healthy people have healthy relationships, unhealthy people have unhealthy relationships, and it's a wide spectrum.

The only reality to be concerned with is your own. I'd say, keep up the work you are doing for yourself, to heal and grow , and you will be able to have the relationship that supports you. I really think it all begins inside. So, I also agree with the post above, about looking to what is next for you. I think that's very positive.

If I may. check out a website called Dadstartingover.com. he has some pretty good articles on there that you might like.

Amen Simon. Now that I got closure, as shitty as it was, it is opening my eyes very very quickly and widely. Being insecurely attached doesn't give anyone the rights to abuse anyone. No that doesn't wash. I'm insecurely attached too but do I abuse people like that? No. Abuse is abuse. 

And yes, I no longer associate her with being nice or sweet etc. I associate her as an abuser. I no longer have any empathy or patience for her.