Confused, lost and hurt

I'm sure...well I hope I don't make the same mistake again though at my age, chances of meeting another avoidant in the dating pool is higher as researched showed. 

However now that I am better equipped to spot the red flags. One thing I'll like to add though, is that normally avoidants or people with narcissistic traits tend to love bomb their targets. It happened to me with my ex wife too. Then, they SLOWLY show their true colors, they're masters of manipulation and masters of masks so the pain felt isn't stark or overnight. Its normalized pain. Almost like boiling a frog. I'm like the frog both times whereby by the time I realized it, water is already boiling. 

I guess the main takeaway if anyone reading my thread in the future, is that when an avoidant checks out, which they will, there isn't much hope of getting them back. Despite their stringing along and overwhelmingly convincing promises, you're already being reduced to nothing but the enemy in their subconscious. Unless the avoidant is self aware and WORKING ON THEMSELVES TO IMPROVE their attachment styles, there is really not much hope and you are just wasting your precious time and resources. You've been warned. 

Its not just that. I think people need to be aware of this too. As this forum showed, many many people fell into this trap because in the beginning, the avoidant made such grand gestures and massive promises to draw their victims in and when it all ends, which oftentimes is abruptly, the victim is left confused, shocked and completely blindsided. 

Then begins the push-pull dance whereby the avoidant will stick around to get their needs met (sometimes unconsciously) and the victim tries so so so so so hard to get back on track to the good times. Sometimes this can go on for years and the victim finally realized they did not leave square one at all ever since the day the avoidant checked out. 

One last thing, my ex is the Queen of Boundaries. She's a feminist. She put up so many boundaries that I simply cannot keep up and find myself stepping on eggshells around her. The boundaries are so rigid it makes life so hard. The reason for the break up is that she accused me of not respecting her this particular boundary of texting her too much. But the thing is the day I texted her too much is because she literally "disappeared". The inconsistency is just too much. So much so that it seems she's bipolar. Anyone who cares would've done the same thing as me. 

So my question is, are avoidants very big on boundaries, so much so that it makes life hard? 

I have been on both sides of this....as the anxious partner who texts or calls “too much” because I was in a state of overwhelm or fear and wantedvalidation from my partner that I was “ok”, and as the avoidant friend who simply wants to not feel responsible to regulate someone else’s nervous system. I am not sure what the goal of your question is to be honest...it seems to me you are still focused on her and avoidants in general instead of speaking to how you plan to move forward.

While this is your experience, it is not the experience of all people.  You were also entrapped by your own issues here as well. 

The real experts in the field of attachment teach insecurely attached people how to overcome their own barriers to intimacy.  Even Jeb teaches this.  He has tons of articles which outline the difficulties of each type as well as the solutions. Do you think all these researchers, authors, mental health experts would waste their time going on about this if it were as simple as what you've reduced it to? I think if it were as you say, that's ALL anyone would have to say about it.  Maybe it would be helpful if you get outside of your fixed ideas about all this.  There are really informative (and compassionate even) threads in the General forum to help you broaden your view. 

You're taking a VERY extreme view of both sides of this- you as wholesome, love-capable Mr. Relationship and her as abusive, garbage avoidant.  The truth is, how you experience the anxious/avoidant trap has everything to do with your own level of dysfunction in it.  

TRIGGER WARNING:
I'm an avoidant in a relationship that entails none of the extreme issues you have described here.  That's because the world, including the world of attachment , is not black and white (that world view is a symptom of your dysfunction by the way.  Look at your thread and notice the vacillation between idealization and devaluation.  Your own.  She's alternately this loving woman who treats you better than your own mother, and a cold hard calculating monster.) I think it's called splitting, but I'm not an expert.  Worth checking out.  

IF you move up the ladder in your own dysfunctional relationship style, you may experience issues related to your insecure conditioning without it being this huge, devastating drama.  That's what goes on between my boyfriend and I.  We experience issues related to our attachment styles.  We don't live in this upside down world of emotional abuse flying both ways.  All these attachment issues are relative to the emotional health of the people involved. I think you mentioned that your therapist is married to an avoidant.  He gave you advice on how to approach things and it may not have been helpful to you, but there at least is an example of a person not in crisis with an avoidant.

If you think that anyone who cares would behave as you do, you are dead wrong in a few of ways. First, your idea of caring looks a lot like desperation. Second, caring about another and the relationship doesn't necessarily mean holding on to it at all costs.  If it's costing you that much it might be less like caring and more like attachment sickness.  Third, an avoidants can care much and respond to that vulnerability by doing the opposite, which is retreating to avoid confusion and pain.  It's way more complicated than saying that anyone who cares would do what you did.  This kind of justification in you seems to keep you stuck. Question yourself and you might really make some progress.  Note I said question yourself, not flagellate yourself in a shame based reaction to challenging viewpoints. 

The people here responding to you (avoidants, did you notice?) have all had to do the same.  You're not above that just because you are a trainer military officer.  Really. 

I think the truth is that both of you suffered trauma at a young age.  Whether she seeks any help is up to her...but I hope that you can get healing so that you can move forward.

Hi Alexandra, perhaps you did not fully understand the situation. I understood your "broken arm" reference but the thing is in this case, I was MADE to think that my arm is broken. Moreover, I've been receiving therapy but it is still never good enough for her. That is because she is PROJECTING her deteriorating mental health on me. I am making progress and even she said so herself. However the goalpost is moved again and again. Almost like she's taking an inch but next is expecting a mile.

Hence when I finally realized I'm being gaslighted to an inch of my life, I'm pissed because she turned around and accused me of manipulating her and making her feel crazy where I literally did nothing but reached out to her asking how she is since she literally fell off the face of the earth!