Sensitive

This is true. It's definitely a combo.

I know I've refused a lot of potential support in favor of protecting my kid. I know single parents who have had "support" backfire - one of the worst being a woman whose daughter was molested by the person who was looking after her daughter so she could work. And then another one whose parent just kind of gave up keeping track of her so she could get anything done (the girl is older) but the girl has gotten a lot of attention in ways that aren't healthy. 

My daughter doesn't even sleep at her dad's - it's so stressful for her that while a night to myself is amazing, I always pay for it on the back-end with her stress and taking a week or more to recover. So it's like I pay for everything on the front-end. 

I think it's a little convoluted or maybe looks different b/c it's non-romantic? But IDK, truly. Just thinking that the people in question aren't available for real connection so they're safer. 

I can easily be triggered Anxious. But I think as we all say here, at the root it's insecure. 

So is it anxious to chase unavailable people and then when they kind of act like you're too much or say something that may ever-so-slightly hint toward that, you get defensive? That's all that happened in my estimation. And then in looking more closely it's like hey wait - I'm the one GIVING to you (which I'm realizing is a lot of ... yes, supporting connection, but sometimes tripping over into a little rescuing). 

So it's a pretty mixed bag.

I just figured it was avoidant since when I reflected on it lately, I realized if someone did show up giving me the kind of connection I say I want, and was available, I know I'd feel overwhelmed. 

I think its helpful to remember that both anxious and avoidant are unavailable for true intimacy. When actual connection not based on attachment stuff or codependency (and avoidants can be codependent with a different flavor), both avoidant and anxious shrink away, and anxious can actually leave the relationship of it gets too real.

The clue to the codependency is the big expenditures of time and energy on fixing someone they aren't responsible for... a friend or peer (although I think avoidants can be very involved in helping their kids). The avoidant approach that I recognize is more "you take care of yourself, I take care of myself." With some pretty stout boundaries around getting into another person's business, there is much more hesitancy and discomfort with doing so. Also the need to be needed as a motivation, that is a turn off for an avoidant. Acts of service are a big love language for me and many avoidants I know, but it's practical stuff, not that emotional caretaking.

A refusal to ask for help can be a lot of things. The refusal to ask for help for me has been largely unconscious as in, it doesn't occur to me, its not accompanied by an anxiety about being too much.

Not to say that my experience is the be all end all. And, we all have a mix of styles and strategies. But the glaring theme that I see here is the giving for security in the relationship, as a codependent trait. Avoidants tend to be sooo protective of their resources of time and energy, that it would seem impossible to have one high maintenance fixer relationship, let alone several. I'd feel as if I were drowning to give that much to other adults. Really, I need people around me to pull their own weight, and I think generally thats how avoidants view relationahips. That's the big thing that stands out to me.

This has turned into such a great discussion on co-dependency. I am going to recommend a great book with a silly title. How to be an adult by David Richo. One of the most impactful parts of it was about how he stopped telling others what to do/how to do it, and how much of a challenge he found that. It really changed the way I view relating.

I've also though a lot more about why making myself a safe place for others worked for me. I think it's because I can't do things for myself. Self care/Self love, BLEH. But jumping to help someone else, sure. 100%. So I hijacked my co-dependency for the good?. Because being an emotionally safe place for others is not about fixing them or tolerating their dysfunction. And it is definitely not about over giving and being resentful. It is about showing up in an emotionally grounded and adult space when relating to them. It requires me to slow down and figure out my feelings. It requires me to communicate non-violently and clearly. And to protect my time and energy so that I am able to show up more consistently. It also means NO FIXING. Because fixing is not being a safe place. It is not loving, and our friends are adults who can figure out their own life. It feels VERY uncomfortable to try to change your patterns like this, and I often still get it wrong, but it is worth it.  For me this meant a lot of biting my tongue at first. Because it felt like well I know the answer and if they don't do X, Y, Z in that order, they'll never get better, they are going to stay stuck and that'll suck. But you know what, that is their path.  I have no control over others, nor do I want it. It is exhausting. 

I think it is the degree of attention towards the other person.  Supporting someone does not take your eye off of your own balls….trying to fix issues for other people is when you go deep into the other person’s problems that you lose sight of your own.  And as has been stated above, there can be a reward…a feeling of being needed, a feeling of helping, a feeling of accomplishment that perhaps is missing when looking at your own issues.  It can become very enmeshing, it can also become tit for tat….”i am very much in tuned to your needs…why are you not in tune to mine”.  It can be a coping mechinism…”at least this small area of my life I have control over.”

Fixing for me is anything that crosses into someone's agency as an adult. Or acting like they can't solve problems on their own. While you are right that there is a healthy level of advice / back and forth in adult relating it can easily cross a line. For example, my best friend when I have a problem will often excessively offer me solutions, like 3-4 of them, and often really simple things I have already done. We have really improved our efforts on both sides of this, me to tell her I just want validation and her to first validate and then ask if I want solutions. My sister believes that everyone needs counselling and excessively goes on and on about this every opportunity she gets. She routinely acts like if they don't get counselling their lives with continue to be shitty and if they just listened to her, they would be better off. I've been on the giving end of this, if I feel someone NEEDS to do my suggestion and I feel an anxiety when they don't do it. Then that is more of a fixing mentality then a here is something I found helpful mentality.

I try to not defaulting to solutions anymore. If my sentence starts with "you should" then for me, it's not coming from the right place. Reflecting on this, is the anxious belief that if YOU fix yourself, then we can be happy. IF you just did X then you would be better and we could have a relationship. So it is a maladapted work around to being an adult and doing the uncomfortable work of setting boundaries with someone who is showing up in a way that hurts me.

It's also spending far more of my time / energy on someone else than for myself. Some people are very rooted in their victim mentality and I found them wanting a mother more than a partner. They would word things in a way that next thing I knew I was spending hours doing a task for them that they should be doing on their own. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to because look at me being the happy healthy adult in the relationship. It's also routinely bailing someone out because they fail to plan and just expect everyone around them to pick up the pieces. 

I often check in with myself now and ask "If I get nothing back at all from doing this thing, how am I going to feel?" and let that guide me. If I drive you to the airport because you failed to leave enough time to get there on your own, am I going to resent you because I really don't have the time to do this? (actual example)

Great summary.  Yes, it is very much a turning away from oneself.  Roles can be, but are not always stable. I usually think of it in terms of the drama triangle. We all have our preferred roles but we can switch between them.  It also can come from a place of "I can only be okay, if you are okay" which is typically a fear left over from childhood. I have a friend where he and his wife can only have one person "okay" at a time and at any given time the other is in crisis. If that spouse starts to stabilize, it swaps and suddenly they are now the care giver. 

I have had friends that are situationally fixers, like my best friend, she tends to have bad boundaries and attract needier people who suck and suck but when I put up boundaries for the both of us she was relieved. She knows I am a fully formed adult who can handle my own things. Then I've met people who can't help it no matter what you do, or how much you insist you are fine, they need to be overly enmeshed.  and yes I have also had people who try to drag me into a caretaking role against my wishes. That was the only place they can operate from and feel love from. Even if you say "you've got this" they just insist they do not and they need you to do the thing for them. Or they have been bailed out so often through out their life they have learned that someone else will always come along to pickup the pieces so why would they do the work?

I think the avoidant is usually the one in the "fixee" role. But as you know they resist enmeshment so then you have the AP chasing and trying to fix them and the avoidant running away and resisting.  The more traditional role would be the alcoholic/addict and the enabling spouse.  

We subconsciously will attract/be attracted to, the people who are going to fulfill the flip side of the dynamic for us.