Sensitive

I'm still tryin to focus, reflect, write in the midst of a lot of visitors, things going on, so I feel like some of my thoughts aren't fully formed, but after I read through everyone's comments yesterday, and more today, I did want to write some basic summaries around what I gathered.

1) I learned these responses from very young - codependency, helping/rescuing, enmeshment.

2) I've done TONS of work on these patterns (more the general codependency victim piece, less the rescuing and enmeshment piece)

3) Enmeshment - although I also think of it as merging - feels part of my nature like something I've always known. Again, this is early stuff, and I think my system did it to keep me safe in a violent households and against abusers. It wasn't a choice. And even before this post, I started realizing how much of my energy goes into other people's fields and the somatic feeling of what it's like to pull back from that (it's a pretty strong contrast). It's a default and so I have to now be mindful when I'm in a room to go, where am I? And sort of feel the edges of my body and my space and be there.

I've done this with clients for years and practiced it in my training and with the exception of one or two intense clients (where I can feel myself dysregulating because of their energy), I've got pretty strong energetic boundaries - but it still happens around family and sometimes just day to day -- ie., I walk into a coffee shop and see someone I know and even if I'm no longer greeting them (they're sitting at a table, I'm at the counter) - my mind/energy is in their space wondering what they're thinking of me, how I look, etc. And in this experience, I LEAVE MY BODY -- I leave me.

I've worked on this before, pretty intensely. I used to carry a rock around in my hand when I went to pick up my daughter from school and would talk to other moms so that I could stay in my body and with myself. But it seems to have come back a little.

4) I've been thinking a lot about this since I wrote yesterday - why do I trigger Rescuer in some relationships but not others? Or Victim (although that is really faint anymore). And I think it isn't a default/setting for me - which is what was confusing here about exploring this. I'm not that way in every situation -- just like my attachment style seems to vary.

This is a bit of an inventory (most for me to see):

Best male friend: I will tend toward victim (he's a rescuer) but since I worked on my victim stuff over the years, we rarely have that dynamic now.
Second best male friend: He found a balance of not rescuing but calling me out on stuff pretty strongly (to where I'd often withdraw) but honestly he helped me so much over the years see my stuff. He was the only person who once said to me probably 11 years ago "Do you think you're a highly sensitive person?" And I immediately read the Elaine Aron book and it was life changing. He was like a mentor to me, and I allowed that. He rarely accepted anything back from me. He was passively suicidal for years and I couldn't touch that, just tell him I loved him or listen sometimes.

Local female friend: Interesting relationship - no drama triangle here. She has fierce boundaries and tends toward avoidance. I used to call her a lot to ask for advice in different situations and called her the "Boundary Queen" - she is very logical in her way of thinking, seems to lack emotion, but always sensing an anger/aggression under the surface, can feel almost "scared" of her at times. I feel emotional/feminine/sensitive around her and it's a little uncomfortable - but she's been a true friend. I don't have any of my "tricky" stuff with her.

Ex: He would be more the textbook avoidant/ I was crazy anxious with him. He would be more the covert narc, me more then codependent empath - someone here wrote earlier about how some narcs can trigger this in anyone, so I don't know if this was my default programming as much as who I was around him specifically - EXTREMELY insecure. When I look back, even recently, I'm shocked at the stuff he used to say to me. The way he'd talk about other women and raise them up and not do that with me - it was like my dad in this way (he talked about other women in front of our whole family - still does). So some of it was very familiar. He was also an extreme victim and at times perpetrator. I don't think I rescued him as much - but I tried several times emotionally (he had an abusive mom). I never threw myself at someone so dramatically as I did with him. We have a child together.
Sister: Avoidant (like my mom), victim and perpetrator like my ex. Extremely self-absorbed yet can be an empath has a v codependent relationship with one of her only friends. Abusive to her husband (emotionally/psychologically). I wrote extensively about her here and now I'm distanced, boundaried, have been able to cultivate some compassion, heal some stuff with her (at least from my end).

Ex-friend from long ago: Worth noting she was an exact replica of my sister in every way and I had to end things when I realized I had physical pain every time I was around her near the end and cut it off. She'd seek me out in really passive ways and I finally confronted her on it and said stop. She recently sent a Christmas card. But I won't ever connect with her again. I think she is definitely narcissistic/super toxic.

Friend who prompted this post: This one is still pretty confounding to me as is the final one below. And makes me think of someone I had an 18-month relationship with a few years ago.... I become the mentor. I become the rescuer and wise one. It's this dynamic of "You have a lot to learn, I'll catch you up." But I still don't fully understand my motivation - maybe if I look to it in the romantic relationship it can shed light on some of this -- but even though this doesn't 100% resonate (maybe because it's more unconscious), I am guessing there's a strong mom/dad component. Like, here, let me get you up to speed so you can then be available to me in the way that I need - which seems to be the root of the fixing? But I don't know.

An ex-friend who I've written about here:  I do believe I took her on as a "project," and I was fresh out of my own court situation and had major PTSD setting in. Talking to her about her crises helped me feel less desperate about mine. It helped me feel less haunted, less rocked to my core and more connected to something (Helping). She was in really rough shape, didn't even have a lawyer. It was like I coached her through step by step. I could see the value in it (she could too). If someone had paid me for that time it would have been thousand and thousands of dollars. But I could feel the sort of addictive quality to it. It took up so much of my headspace and made me feel more in control (focusing on her). She (unlike the previous friend) would step in and help me. I think she was the same. But she couldn't do fixing/rescuing b/c her own life was in shambles. The last straw I've written about numerous times here. But this relationship had such a strange dynamic - though a little like the previous - where I felt both like I was the one who had it together (just by nature of the relationship) and vulnerable in my need for the other person. Like "Hey, look to me. I'm the one who is put together. I'll help you. But I really need you." I don't know what that is about but it's familiar. 

 

So, interestingly, I talked to an old friend last night. One that I wrote about in this post - I don't think in my inventory. She and I had some tricky dynamics in the past and she got out of a horrible marriage a few years ago. 

I was really careful. We talked for 2 hours and laughed and enjoyed reconnecting. We have a LOT of history but so much is different now for both of us. Some things are the same. But it was really heartwarming to connect with her, and I was actually left with a warm feeling after it and a kind of warmth about the world. Like it touched into my loneliness.... 

Since its been a long time and I've changed so much, I don't think we have set dynamics. Like you were saying sunrisequest, my dynamics weren't there to push the relationship in a certain direction. 

We were both careful about not fixing. I did sense at one point when she was talking about her stuckness around something that she was in a younger space looking for input but didn't ask (she's mentioned in a few emails struggling with it) and I did go into a little bit of advice giving that she didn't ask for, but it was more talking from my own experience, like "If I can give any advice" (Although in hindsight, I really would have liked to say, "If you ever want to talk more about it or if you want input, I'm happy to help" but I just shared my experience with finally finding a place I can live in and love and what those qualities are about the place and that maybe she'd want to consider that. It didn't feel awful. But other than that - she had one correction of, "Well, I'll just speak for myself." So it was really refreshing and nice to talk with someone who is mindful of her own stuff (and mine) and can share in deeper things that I think about and that I can actually learn a thing or two from her (some books she mentioned that are of interest to me).

I've also had several people reach out to me (i'm on break fright now still for another week) and are in crises - two are clients, one is a friend. And even though I set aside a day to take emergency clients -- I'm not jumping in like I normally would have over my break and trying to help them. It's hard, but I'm like Here's what I have. And to the friend - I can talk later this week. 

It seems to correlate with getting my own needs met. So gonna explore that in a separate post.

I feel like these two things sum it up most though in terms of motivation.

1) The paradoxical mystery of the myth lies in the fact that the healer, who is able to heal all other wounds and illnesses, is not able to heal himself. The underlying view in the myth is that the healer is fully aware of the wound that never heals. 

So being curious about the "wound that never heals" and I have some ideas

2) Pretty much my direct experience with the above is growing up in dysfunction and learning the strategy of fixing as a means to aid my caregivers in giving me what I needed (losing battle, clearly) but long-held pattern.

There is a healthy level of give and take when it comes to partnering with people in relarionships of all kinds. Peer to peer. When the "I'm better" or "I'm less than" narrative comes in, it's trouble. For me, it seems like when how you feel about yourself changes according to interaction, that's the red flag. My best friend sees me as further down the road than her in some ways, and tells me "You're so wise!" and likes to bounce situations off me. I actually feel a little uncomfortable with that though, I don't want that hat, so I keep it real with her that her process is so intimately hers, I encourage her to listen to herself, so she can be true to herself.

I get into some trouble with my adult kids, momming them... and they let me know. That's the tough one for me, but I also think that's very natural. You are mom from the moment they are born, and the lines can easily become blurry. That's where communication comes in. My daughter just pushed back on me about constructive criticism or advice that I offered, but aim glad that she feels she has a voice so it's a good thing. I acknowledged I crossed a line and it was painful for her. Completely unintentional. I told her it's literally my first time being a mom to adult children and I learn as I go! We got through a repair just fine.

So I think there needs to be flexibilty, not rigidity with defined roles and hidden agendas. People can move in and out of balance and not fall down. There's a certain point where two people are learning and growing and developing better skills together. I used to think you had to have it all figured out before you can have a good relationship but you don't. You have to have a fundamental level of self worth, esteem, and awareness, but you cam still have work to do, and work through things together.

I see my partner and I getting better over time, not going backwards. So the uncomfortable conflict isn't a red flag... not dealing with it head on would be. We've communicated very clearly and he will get a zap from me when he over steps but it doesn't mean we aren't going to get through it. I can feel angry and frustrated but it doesn't mean I don't love him and we can't repair it. Things aren't black and white. I think thats the difference between unhealthy and healthy conflict, there are nuances and people aren't just unconsciously in their roles, reacting reacting reacting. There's the opportunity to reflect, communicate, adjust. If that's not something that another person can do with you, that's the deal breaker as far as I'm concerned. Otherwise its OK to be a little messy and have to clean things up together.

@introvert what you said in your last post makes sense.

I am watching a series (on hallmark, lol) and in it, the two lead characters (Spoiler alerts - signed sealed and delivered) end up being romantic. She has this annoying habit of being nosy, overstepping bounds, pushing past limits and he finds it really irritating and calls her out on it all the time. 

But like you're saying, he doesn't ask her to dig deeper into her behavior - although he does give her pretty strong directives (esp when it comes to their place of employment and he's above her). He's also aware of her history and maybe understands that it can impact her behavior. 

So I think it's like you're saying.

I'm imagining doing this with friends. Just having boundaries rather than going into fix mode.

I can see how this would have preserved my friendship with my old friend and also led me to ending the relationship that I did - on my inventory list. So one wouldn't have changed (I never tried to fix her). And one would have likely deepened or continued - though I think it was really hard for me to be so available to someone in such crises that apparently all these years later is actually still going on (I've seen her in a mutual group and she mentioned that). 

To another friend who is in a long-term crises, she wanted help. I felt pretty uncomfortable about it - this has actually happened with a number of my friends - both b/c they sense I'm a caring type with helping tendencies, and I've been largely able to maintain a boundary that I don't do therapy with friends. But this one was so desperate, she begged me and I said I would help her with a very specific thing for a short time and her son who was the one in crises. But now I can't imagine what she'd be available to talk about other than her crises. I can listen. But I sense it might be a one-way street for a long time to come.... I don't know.

Another friend is in a similar situation and asking me to help. I'm stuck. I know she doesn't have the work I do available to her otherwise, and it's mostly her kid - which I'm more okay with.

But I guess for the first time - and really the reason I have this boundary - is that I feel like I just want my friends and to be in it with them like you said - no healers/leaders, etc. 

I just think it's hard to separate -- at least from what I can tell. A while back, a woman I know pretty well who isn't an active friend but our kids attend the same church, youth group, homeschooling stuff, etc - I found her a mess in a place I was about to sit and work and she had to talk to someone. I listened for an hour and just heard her. And then she said, "I wasn't going to tell anyone this. But yeah, you're a _______ person" (the work I do). And I realized for some people because of the work I do they seem to think I'm wearing that hat even when I'm just listening. 

But I think it's gotta be made even more clear - in myself too. 

Another observation....
Your friends have shitty boundaries.

Begging you? I do understand people can be suffering tremendously and desperate for help. But come on... anyone who knows you personally knows you have a very demanding personal situation. Begging, to me, implies that there was an awareness on that person's part that an enthusiastic yes wasn't available. It implies that some resistance was shown by you, but she persisted? I could have misunderstood this.

When we cave to begging we are violating our own internal NO, most likely. You're not stuck taking care of people you don't think you can or should take care of! You're not. You're not in a bind. It may seem counter intuitive to a helper, and HSP, a codependent, an empath... but no is an appropriate and a loving answer in situations like this. If you have a NO coming up but you proceed to "help", you may do damage to yourself and the other, energetically, emotionally, mentally. Dynamics trigger people and if you're at all triggered, you are not in a healthy helping capacity.

People in need of help don't necessarily understand that. They may think you are the one to help, that you are the answer to their huge dilemma. But if your deepest, most reasonable thoughts and feelings about it are contrary to that, they are mistaken. You are not the one. Life can take them to the right situation when you say no. The right situation might be something neither of you had considered. I've seen enough serendipity, amazing things happening, to know that forcing false solutions is folly.