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Post by stavs on Jan 8, 2018 15:13:22 GMT
Over the past few weeks I have been struggling to decide if the issue in my relationship is because the person is FA (shows all the signs) or if they simply are not into me. Any thoughts on the differences between the two?
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 8, 2018 17:49:45 GMT
Over the past few weeks I have been struggling to decide if the issue in my relationship is because the person is FA (shows all the signs) or if they simply are not into me. Any thoughts on the differences between the two? I am assuming you want answers from FAs because I know as an AP, my being "really" into a person can make his "kinda or just being" into me look like he isn't interested. In fact, my abandonment story will tell me that he isn't into me without there be anything to show that...it is just not how "I show" being into someone so it doesn't add up for me. Honestly...you may just want to talk to her about this...in a non emotional way. Maybe say..."What are the top 3 ways you like to show that you care for someone". I really wish I had done that more....asked for his perspective in a very non emotional, non personal way. Instead I let my fear feed my perspective and was not able to really question those adequately.
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Post by stavs on Jan 8, 2018 17:52:33 GMT
Thats a good idea. I may give that a go. I really wish I could just be more secure.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2018 18:00:06 GMT
Yes, this is important for closure.
There are several clues:
1) As they say, action speaks louder than words. My exDA contacted me even after we broke up, with occasional photos of himself, short greetings, etc. It signals that he was still thinking of me despite long spells of No Contact. I did the same - I replied and sent gifts for birthday and Christmas, so definitely it isn't over and both of us. We do pine a little for each other.
2) During the courtship, if your partner seemed infatuated with you, if you caught them smiling in your presence, the way they looked at you, the way they reached out for you when you were together, then they have always been into you and will likely always be into you. He told me it is rare to feel the type of attraction that even your conscious brain can't wiggle you out of, something that isn't a choice.
I suspect that those of us who can't seem to "let go" feel that attraction, helplessly.
Being able to disappear on you for good is a clear indication that he or she is no longer/not into you.
There must be some friends in your life whom you know for a fact are "into" you, in a sort of permanent crush, no? I think if we pay attention most of us "know".
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 8, 2018 18:10:04 GMT
Thats a good idea. I may give that a go. I really wish I could just be more secure. You are who you are. . Part of the healing for an AP is really to embrace all of who you are....to know that you are more than your attachment behaviors. In the book, Insecure In Love...she talks about "self compassion" and how it is important it is to be compassionate towards yourself. You are on a journey....just remind yourself daily of how far you have come...not how far from the end destination you are. Oh...and enjoy the "view" from time to time.
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Post by stavs on Jan 9, 2018 13:58:50 GMT
stavs , Knowing your story a bit, it could also well be that she is in strong need of emotional support and you are providing that. In that situation, her priority is to get emotionally supported, only later she will focus in you as a partner. I’d say, if you are interested in her and all her package, be there for her until she gets better and only then address the “what are we” or “where are we at” questions. If she still chooses to be with you, you’ve won her over. If not, you’ve done something kind and noble for somebody who was in need. If you walk away now, don’t look back... you can forget about ever building up her trust back. I'm trying, believe me I am. It's hard to "be the better person" all the time and sacrifice my own feelings to try and make her feel better. It's my normal nature, but it is very taxing on me emotionally. I dont know how much longer I can do this....I have good days and bad days. Part of me sits here and wonders if I am just being used or an option, and another part of me thinks back to how things used to be. I remember the woman that was so loving and forthcoming....I want that person back, but I dont think I will ever get her back. Truly the mask came off and she unveiled her true self, and I feel like I was swindled, yet I still stay here as I am in too deep. Hope is a dangerous drug, and sadly I'm an addict.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 9, 2018 14:15:47 GMT
stavs , Knowing your story a bit, it could also well be that she is in strong need of emotional support and you are providing that. In that situation, her priority is to get emotionally supported, only later she will focus in you as a partner. I’d say, if you are interested in her and all her package, be there for her until she gets better and only then address the “what are we” or “where are we at” questions. If she still chooses to be with you, you’ve won her over. If not, you’ve done something kind and noble for somebody who was in need. If you walk away now, don’t look back... you can forget about ever building up her trust back. I'm trying, believe me I am. It's hard to "be the better person" all the time and sacrifice my own feelings to try and make her feel better. It's my normal nature, but it is very taxing on me emotionally. I dont know how much longer I can do this....I have good days and bad days. Part of me sits here and wonders if I am just being used or an option, and another part of me thinks back to how things used to be. I remember the woman that was so loving and forthcoming....I want that person back, but I dont think I will ever get her back. Truly the mask came off and she unveiled her true self, and I feel like I was swindled, yet I still stay here as I am in too deep. Hope is a dangerous drug, and sadly I'm an addict. Hey Stavs...hang in there. Maybe it is time that you ask for a bit of a breather...just to rebuild yourself from an emotional perspective. Spend time with people who can pour love into you.
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Post by stavs on Jan 9, 2018 14:43:01 GMT
I'm trying, believe me I am. It's hard to "be the better person" all the time and sacrifice my own feelings to try and make her feel better. It's my normal nature, but it is very taxing on me emotionally. I dont know how much longer I can do this....I have good days and bad days. Part of me sits here and wonders if I am just being used or an option, and another part of me thinks back to how things used to be. I remember the woman that was so loving and forthcoming....I want that person back, but I dont think I will ever get her back. Truly the mask came off and she unveiled her true self, and I feel like I was swindled, yet I still stay here as I am in too deep. Hope is a dangerous drug, and sadly I'm an addict. Hey Stavs...hang in there. Maybe it is time that you ask for a bit of a breather...just to rebuild yourself from an emotional perspective. Spend time with people who can pour love into you. I've been trying that and it has helped a bit, but I am still just so hooked on this woman. My friends say that I am just hooked on the chase, and they are probably right. I am spoiled by nature so I always have to have what I want.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 10, 2018 0:54:45 GMT
I think it's basic logic (if you take your own insecurity out of it!!!)
People with attachment issues as I have observed it show their ambivalence in a different way to people who aren't that into you.
1. If they're avoidant they probably have a history of trouble in relationships. 2. If they're avoidant they get very stressed and anxious during certain types of conversations 3. If they're avoidant you feel in your gut that they like / love you but they behave in ways to completely confuse you.
Etc.
That said...I am sure someone can be avoidant AND not that into you.
I have avoidant tendencies...if I am not that into someone then I might flirt or enjoy their attention but I don't want to spend time with them or go on a date or get to know them. If I show interest in someone and want to date them then I am DEFINITELY into them, but that's only half the battle. I will often be looking for excuses to break up with them and the more I like someone the more it freaks me out. Actually sometimes if I break up with someone I REALLY like it feels like a relief.
That's just me though!
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Post by stavs on Jan 10, 2018 0:56:58 GMT
I think it's basic logic (if you take your own insecurity out of it!!!) People with attachment issues as I have observed it show their ambivalence in a different way to people who aren't that into you. 1. If they're avoidant they probably have a history of trouble in relationships. 2. If they're avoidant they get very stressed and anxious during certain types of conversations 3. If they're avoidant you feel in your gut that they like / love you but they behave in ways to completely confuse you. Etc. That said...I am sure someone can be avoidant AND not that into you. I have avoidant tendencies...if I am not that into someone then I might flirt or enjoy their attention but I don't want to spend time with them or go on a date or get to know them. If I show interest in someone and want to date them then I am DEFINITELY into them, but that's only half the battle. I will often be looking for excuses to break up with them and the more I like someone the more it freaks me out. Actually sometimes if I break up with someone I REALLY like it feels like a relief. That's just me though! That last line scares me so much. I dont understand why that would be - I cant put my arms around it. Its like you're denying yourself the chance to be happy.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 10, 2018 1:15:17 GMT
I think it's basic logic (if you take your own insecurity out of it!!!) People with attachment issues as I have observed it show their ambivalence in a different way to people who aren't that into you. 1. If they're avoidant they probably have a history of trouble in relationships. 2. If they're avoidant they get very stressed and anxious during certain types of conversations 3. If they're avoidant you feel in your gut that they like / love you but they behave in ways to completely confuse you. Etc. That said...I am sure someone can be avoidant AND not that into you. I have avoidant tendencies...if I am not that into someone then I might flirt or enjoy their attention but I don't want to spend time with them or go on a date or get to know them. If I show interest in someone and want to date them then I am DEFINITELY into them, but that's only half the battle. I will often be looking for excuses to break up with them and the more I like someone the more it freaks me out. Actually sometimes if I break up with someone I REALLY like it feels like a relief. That's just me though! That last line scares me so much. I dont understand why that would be - I cant put my arms around it. Its like you're denying yourself the chance to be happy. Well. That's the logical response, but then you have anorexics who don't eat to deprive themselves of the chance to live, so the capability of human beings for self abuse is difficult to quantify. We do all ultimately want love, but if you're coming at it from a space where the concept of loving someone so much that you lose control and feel very vulnerable is partially wonderful but partially terrifying then it takes on a different meaning for you. This is the ambivalence of FA attachment. You don't 100% feel worthy of the love of someone you love so much, so you kind of want to get away from it because it's easier to just be "okay" than it is to be incredibly happy and to feel like it could go away at any minute. I don't feel like that in every relationship, my past tendency has been to date down or to date men who were very attached / adoring in a way where I felt like they'd never leave and I had all the control; but the person I most recently dated kind of terrified me to the point I was so subconsciously convinced that he would hurt me that I felt it was completely inevitable and it was better to get out of it quickly.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 10, 2018 1:52:37 GMT
I think it's basic logic (if you take your own insecurity out of it!!!) People with attachment issues as I have observed it show their ambivalence in a different way to people who aren't that into you. 1. If they're avoidant they probably have a history of trouble in relationships. 2. If they're avoidant they get very stressed and anxious during certain types of conversations 3. If they're avoidant you feel in your gut that they like / love you but they behave in ways to completely confuse you. Hi Yasmin, Your perspective is so helpful, also what you have listed above feels EXACTLY like what I experience with my ex. We are scheduling our talk this week, so of course I need to feel prepared and be cautious in my wording, however, he was very responsive to setting up a time and we have exchange pleasant texts all afternoon/evening. So, i hope and pray this is a good sign. Your post also gave me more food for thought on why he may have left, but never really went away. I always felt he loved me, but there was something about us that seemed to terrify him and he picked fights at the end. Now that the pressure has been off so long, he never picks fights! Wonder if he too was looking for ways at the end to get out.
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Post by stavs on Jan 10, 2018 1:53:41 GMT
That last line scares me so much. I dont understand why that would be - I cant put my arms around it. Its like you're denying yourself the chance to be happy. Well. That's the logical response, but then you have anorexics who don't eat to deprive themselves of the chance to live, so the capability of human beings for self abuse is difficult to quantify. We do all ultimately want love, but if you're coming at it from a space where the concept of loving someone so much that you lose control and feel very vulnerable is partially wonderful but partially terrifying then it takes on a different meaning for you. This is the ambivalence of FA attachment. You don't 100% feel worthy of the love of someone you love so much, so you kind of want to get away from it because it's easier to just be "okay" than it is to be incredibly happy and to feel like it could go away at any minute. I don't feel like that in every relationship, my past tendency has been to date down or to date men who were very attached / adoring in a way where I felt like they'd never leave and I had all the control; but the person I most recently dated kind of terrified me to the point I was so subconsciously convinced that he would hurt me that I felt it was completely inevitable and it was better to get out of it quickly. Well I honestly hope you can find happiness and confort. Everyon edeserves to be happy IMO.
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Post by stavs on Jan 10, 2018 1:57:47 GMT
My girlfriend and I actually had a good chat today. She opened up about some things tonight which was good. I put on a very strong front and tried to be as secure as I could in everythign I said. She is very insecure, and I just started by sending her a random text basically focusing on one of the things she said to me and then expanding on why it isn't as it appears. After a while she kind of shut down, but I was able to make some headway.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 10, 2018 2:14:33 GMT
I know it's hard Stavs, but you are doing great! Try to remember how much work you are doing on yourself, take a step back, be proud.
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