When is it simply "They just aren't into you."

Another thing I struggle with is I know my girl is very insecure regarding her looks and never got attention from boys/men when she was younger. Due to this, when a man shows interest in her, she engages, regardless of the type of individual he is. We went through this when we first started dating and I was in competition with a guy that was obviously no good for her. Now that her and I are more "solid," for lack of a better word, she still has thoughts about other guys, I know it. I try to make her feel secure every day, and I am always there for her, but I feel as if she will keep jumping back to others for attention to feed her ego and insecurity. I told her last night that I understood her insecurity about her appearance and why she strives for that attention and she said I was right. I didnt have the balls to say anything regarding her going to another man, or to admit I was afraid to lose her to another guy, but I did say if happiness for her was with another man, I would walk away and be happy for her as all I truly want is for her to be happy, even if that means I am not in the picture. Outside of this, I dont know how to handle these fears I have regarding her leaving me for another man that simply gives her attention, even though she knows its a bad decision (she has said that). She loves me, she knows I am good to her and for her, but her insecurity and her fears keep her from engaging in true happiness with me. It's so difficult to deal with at times, and right now I am feeling a bit stronger and keep telling myself that if it happens, its ok and there are other options. Still, she is what is in my heart right now and what I want. Any input on this would be greatly appreciated as it truly is a struggle for me daily.

And it is not just women...my ex had some aspects of himself physically that he really low esteem regarding. In fact, he would apologize for things that he felt ashamed over....things that were out of his control, such as being sweaty after working out. I honestly did not mind that at all...but it was really important that I verbalized how I accepted him completely, for who he was, as he was right at that moment...perceived "flaws" and all. I loved his beard...he would say...I will show you pictures of good beards and I said..."I don't love beards...I love your beard". I loved so many aspects of who he is...and I tried to find ways to express that as often as possible.

Better still, instead of words, show it with action. Once when I was relaxed with my arms outstretched, the exDA stared at my inner arm transfixed, and stroke it, as if to feel its texture. He wasn't trying to arouse me either, he was just captivated. That was much better than any compliment, ever!

The work we have to do is to truly know ourselves, our issues, our insecurities, our attachment styles, etc. then figure out our partners to see if we can adapt to them. If not, I'd cut my losses, really. My exDA is taking so much of my "headspace", I need to let go finally. With an FA, it is easier, I think...you just need to move into the "space" she created out of fear, to reassure her again and again. You don't know how she gets there, but you can gradually help her move to a more Secure place.

I'm really going to busy myself soon with some dates, I'm open, available and even if they don't work out, I'd make sure we have a good time just hanging out. After all, we're all looking, we can sympathize and empathize with each other.

I don't think I need therapy, I've had my proof , lots of it, and I understand how a little kid can really get damaged by a disordered adult. I know exactly what to do when those unkind thoughts haunt me again.

I think if I find Mr Right, both of us will grow together, improving ourselves, refining our relationship, more secured, rooted facing the world, etc...all the good stuff written in the books.

Hey Stavs...I am not FA...but even I had a bit of a reaction to your "I feel better about myself because I have such a beautiful woman as my girlfriend" remark.  It can come across (not intentionally) as pressure to maintain a level of beauty because of tying a part of your feelings about yourself to her.  

I have noticed a couple of times when you have said....this would be good for her (therapy) or that isn't good for her (the guys that she gives attention to).  That can come across as more of a parent perspective than a partner perspective.  Just something to be mindful of because we can all slip into that role unconsciously.

You're right! That would absolutely mess me up. I'd be going...come on I'm not *that*.....and when I lose my looks one day will he lose his feelings for me too?

I'd be terrified of being with a guy who is mostly into my looks.

I get that. It makes sense, and I do stress she is much more than a pretty package. I really do.