When is it simply "They just aren't into you."

I used to watch the TV show "Intervention" quite a bit it was about individuals addicted to something (usually a substance) the people in their lives and the goal for them to accept treatment.

There was usually some event, something traumatic, that triggered the anxiety, this led to people seeking out relief though some sort of drug. It showed the people in the addict's life and how they too were being impacted by the addiction.

A counselor (usually someone who also used to struggle with addiction) would often have to show the family and friends how their own behavior was contributing to the problem. It was very painful for most of them because they loved the addict in their life and they wanted desperately for them to get help but buying them booze or buying them food once they had spent all the money they were last given on drugs was enabling. They were helped to set healthy boundaries and had to accept and choose to stick to those boundaries for the sake of their loved one. Sometimes that even meant cutting them out of their lives until their loved one accepted help.

At the end of the show, they would bring the addict in for the intervention. The family and friends would state(often tearfully) how this addiction had affected them personally and what their boundaries would have to be if the addict did not accept help.

After hearing everyone (some would just walk out and didn't' want to hear it) the addict was offered an opportunity to receive help. They were offered a treatment plan. BUT THEY WOULD HAVE TO ACCEPT IT. 

With full knowledge of the pain they were causing they had a choice to make. Get help or not. However, choices have consequences.

Now, I see what acting out (anxiously and avoidantly) does to people. But seeing ourselves, our part in the situation, is a choice we each, individually have to make.

We (myself included) have said something to the effect of, "If only he/she would get help. I love him/her so much." If we are honest, we say this because we want them to change FOR US. We want things to be good again, like they were. We want them to make us feel the way they used to make me feel! Or, we want them to just stop acting so hurt and accept that we don't want to change ourselves because we want to come and go as we please.

I have come to terms with this personal fact. If I truly love my ex and I feel that he does need help, then he has to want to change for himself. He knows how I feel, he now has a choice to make. I don't know when or if he will make the choice to get help.

I've seen how sad he has been through all of this. I don't want him to hurt, but I know a lot of the pain he is bringing upon himself. I want him to get help for him not for me. If he does that, and then comes back and I feel at that time that I want things to continue, then I will make that choice then. But by me pursuing, I am making a case for him to distance himself. I become part of the problem. (If he were anxious and I kept caving to his fits, then I would be part of the problem) 

Sometimes the only way people ever get help is to hit rock bottom. It is a KINDNESS to allow people to face the consequences of their decisions. If they see time and time again that what they do over and over is not yielding negative results, they may finally wake up and see, DANG, I need help, just like many of us here have done. Its the best most loving thing we can do for them. And it is loving for ourselves too.

As much as I love my ex, I don't want to be with someone who can say they are in love with me one day and then a week later change his mind and want nothing to do with me. I know that I can not live with that kind of instability. I know I WON'T live with that kind of instability.

So, what if I've let him go and he goes and gets help and is better for someone else instead of me? Well, now I get the opportunity to be a better person for someone else too.

It hurts and it sucks! But we are not our partners. Let's say they do abandon us, does that give us reason to abandon ourselves? No. That is the worst choice we can make.

These are just my musings.