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Post by tnr9 on Jan 17, 2018 22:04:43 GMT
I see. I'm sorry you are hurting right now, I do understand. I wonder if NC would be helpful for you in your healing? I say this only because when I went NC it was very hard, but actually really started to help. that is of course until my ex reached out and I responded. But, I didn't tell him not to, I didn't ask for the space, i just took it. What do you think about asking your ex for space while you go NC? You can explain that the intent is for you to do your healing and not to punish or hurt him. I did a month of NC in July...he sent me a picture of a mobile cat clinic (I had been looking for a mobile cat clinic when we were dating) 5 days before the NC was to be over. In truth, I can't go NC because I have to see him every Sunday. I think my ex doesn't want to be out of contact...but doesn't want to be back together either. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 17, 2018 22:22:16 GMT
I think your situation is unique in that you have this weekly meeting and as you said, you are a leader in it, so I see how it's hard to just stop going.
Do you think a conversation about how you are feeling could help? In other words, what if you told him in a frank way that you are still healing/moving on, but that seeing him on Sundays is a challenge? perhaps you can work together on a reasonable solution of sorts?
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 18, 2018 1:12:26 GMT
I think your situation is unique in that you have this weekly meeting and as you said, you are a leader in it, so I see how it's hard to just stop going. Do you think a conversation about how you are feeling could help? In other words, what if you told him in a frank way that you are still healing/moving on, but that seeing him on Sundays is a challenge? perhaps you can work together on a reasonable solution of sorts? He knows that I don't yet view him as a friend. I have told him in multiple emails. About 4 months after the breakup he sent an email (in response to one I had sent) that read in part..I hope we are at a point where we can hang out (I told him I needed more time and that I still had feelings for him) At 5 months, he mentioned he wanted to come back to the church community and again I said I needed more time. At 6 months after the breakup he again said he wanted to come back to the community. I said I wanted to see him one on one first. He responded "ok, well, let's do that soon then. I have been trying to respect your request for time but it has been 6 months now." We then saw each other in November...so when he said he was thinking about coming to the community last Sunday...I couldn't renig....no matter how much I had backslid from seeing him...it was important to me to keep my promise. My ex is not a bad guy...i just think being told "no" or being kept (in his mind) from something he wants to do is a trigger. So I will cope...because I can only be responsible for my side of things. We will see what happens this Sunday. I read an article about grief in the New York Times and this really struck me "Unacknowledged and unheard pain doesn’t go away. The way to survive grief is by allowing pain to exist, not in trying to cover it up or rush through it.” |
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Post by abolish on Jan 18, 2018 14:49:58 GMT
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Post by ocarina on Jan 18, 2018 18:08:11 GMT
Tnr9 - Not sure if this will help but I thought I would throw it in anyway.
I went no contact for a while and it was really hard when I first saw my ex - I felt an almost visceral need to run away - I am avoidant btw so am guessing your reaction would be as strong but perhaps no running away! However, I made a decision after a couple of weeks since we too share a weekly activity, that running away wasn't going to help - that the feelings were still going to be there and would come back when we met so I decided to be OK with whatever - to actually really confront the feelings, to see him and see what has happened as something I had no control over and just allow things to be OK and do you know what - they were! From that point one, when I adopted a kind of fatalistic mindset and stopped analysing what had happened and feeling resentful, life just shifted in a more positive direction.
I am not sure if it's coincidental but that was also when he reappeared wanting connection etc
At first it was a fake it til you make it kind of response, but gradually I did genuinely feel better and now I really have lost all desire to control the ending to our story together. No idea if this kind of approach would work for you but anyway, worth a thought!
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 18, 2018 20:27:29 GMT
Tnr9 - Not sure if this will help but I thought I would throw it in anyway. I went no contact for a while and it was really hard when I first saw my ex - I felt an almost visceral need to run away - I am avoidant btw so am guessing your reaction would be as strong but perhaps no running away! However, I made a decision after a couple of weeks since we too share a weekly activity, that running away wasn't going to help - that the feelings were still going to be there and would come back when we met so I decided to be OK with whatever - to actually really confront the feelings, to see him and see what has happened as something I had no control over and just allow things to be OK and do you know what - they were! From that point one, when I adopted a kind of fatalistic mindset and stopped analysing what had happened and feeling resentful, life just shifted in a more positive direction. I am not sure if it's coincidental but that was also when he reappeared wanting connection etc At first it was a fake it til you make it kind of response, but gradually I did genuinely feel better and now I really have lost all desire to control the ending to our story together. No idea if this kind of approach would work for you but anyway, worth a thought! That is great that you two are back together and that were able to "let go of any expectations" and just let it be what it is. I really wish you well.  I would love to have a second chance...but unfortunately there are a few obstacles....1. I am 10 years older than my ex. He knew it and didn't raise a concern about it until a few months before he broke up with me and again when he broke up with me, because he said he might want to have a kid...we talked about adoption and in vitro at the earlier talk....but since it came up again....it seems to be a deal breaker for him. 2. He never acted like he "chose" me....he kept having doubts and I never sensed he was all in. 3. When he broke up with me, he said he had prayed (we are both Christian) and felt that God told him that we were not meant for each other. Earlier he said that he felt that I wasn't "the one". So he has already determined that we are not supposed to be together. 4. To my knowledge, he has never gotten back together with an ex. So although I would love to hope to get back together....I believe that he has moved on. |
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Post by ocarina on Jan 18, 2018 21:51:19 GMT
tnr9 - Not sure I explained it very well - but my decision to move on and be ok with what ever was totally for my own benefit rather than his and certainly not any kind of attempt to get him back again.
I know you would like to move on - and that's really difficult when you still have feelings for him. This having been said from my side when my ex or anyone else said they can't do a relationship, I would feel it was respectful to believe them and to deal with my own feelings and heal myself - holding onto hope is only prolonging the pain for you.
Who knows what the future may bring but in the now you owe it to yourself to move on, take what he said as face value and learn to accept his truth.
Apologies if this comes across as blunt and please discard anything that doesn't serve you.
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Post by ocarina on Jan 18, 2018 21:52:42 GMT
BTW we're not back together - much as I love him I don't think he's capable of being in a relationship with me or anyone else at the moment. Time may change this but am not holding our any hope.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 18, 2018 22:56:14 GMT
tnr9 - Not sure I explained it very well - but my decision to move on and be ok with what ever was totally for my own benefit rather than his and certainly not any kind of attempt to get him back again. I know you would like to move on - and that's really difficult when you still have feelings for him. This having been said from my side when my ex or anyone else said they can't do a relationship, I would feel it was respectful to believe them and to deal with my own feelings and heal myself - holding onto hope is only prolonging the pain for you. Who knows what the future may bring but in the now you owe it to yourself to move on, take what he said as face value and learn to accept his truth. Apologies if this comes across as blunt and please discard anything that doesn't serve you. Oh...I did not realize you were not back together. I appreciate your honesty. I went out with a friend last night and she said..."you are the girl he keeps around because he knows that you will encourage him when he is feeling down". I didn't like that answer either...but it is likely the truth. |
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Post by ocarina on Jan 18, 2018 23:15:33 GMT
I think sometimes Tnr9 we just want to know something, to make it clear in our heads. When a relationship ends this can mean diagnosing an ex and avoidant, finding the things we did wrong, thinking this and that. In reality all this thinking does no good at all except to keep us stuck. Who knows what you were and are to him - for the moment maybe your best path is to take his words at face value and go on your way, focusing on yourself and catching yourself everyone time you find yourself analysing, wishing or whatever. Easier said than done I know!
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sam
Junior Member
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Post by sam on Jan 19, 2018 0:01:20 GMT
Hey abolish Thank you for responding, That’s the same as my ex, he didn’t have any pictures and didn’t like having them taken. Yes He definitely had a lot of narcissistic traits, I was reading about narcissists when I was still with him and when I read it out to him he just laughed. You’re right, I will never know. But I really don’t think he could have changed from being so awful to me, into an amazing boyfriend without therapy. Yes, also the same, my ex showed more care for people he doesn’t even know. It really is a head mess isn’t it!! An important thing to remember is that what you see it's often far from reality. Think of it as a facebook profile picture, a carefully selected and photoshoped picture which doesn't look like them at all. But yes, it is a head mess, he was talking with such big empathy about strangers, was helping them but for me, he rarely had time, nor he ever complimented me, often pointing out my (in his eyes) weaknesses. But I knew he cared about me, I knew I was very important to him, I knew he was a good person, I knew he feared a lot. That's why we are left in turmoil, people breakup all the time and they move on somehow but for us it doesn't make any sense. When I go over and over through things he's done and said, it doesn't make any sense. It creates so much doubt. If I knew the truth, I'd move on. Yes, that’s so true. I used to put ‘happy’ photis If us on Facebook but the reality behind the scenes was so different. Also my ex has only been with the new girlfriend around a year, so even though I saw red flags early on, it didn’t get much worse until year and a half- two years. I think as well it depends on attachment types, I would say I’m secure-Anxious with wrong person, but new girl may be a secure so his avoidant/narcissism may not manifest for a long time. I agree with you, my ex had empathy for other people but couldn’t support me. I got compliments at the start but by the end, nothing. No, it doesn’t make any sense, but can you imagine what must go on in their head too, they must be tortured souls. I don’t think we will ever know the truth, I will never be able to figure mine out. |
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I would love to have a second chance...but unfortunately there are a few obstacles....1. I am 10 years older than my ex. He knew it and didn't raise a concern about it until a few months before he broke up with me and again when he broke up with me, because he said he might want to have a kid...we talked about adoption and in vitro at the earlier talk....but since it came up again....it seems to be a deal breaker for him. 2. He never acted like he "chose" me....he kept having doubts and I never sensed he was all in. 3. When he broke up with me, he said he had prayed (we are both Christian) and felt that God told him that we were not meant for each other. Earlier he said that he felt that I wasn't "the one". So he has already determined that we are not supposed to be together. 4. To my knowledge, he has never gotten back together with an ex. So although I would love to hope to get back together....I believe that he has moved on.