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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:05:37 GMT
so i can’t answer for your DA because i find it impossible to get involved with an AP to even get to that conversation. sorry  No worries. I’m just trying to understand his side of things. I’m hoping to at least stay friends with him, but who knows at this point. Either way I would like to figure this out. As I’ve been reading, it seems like a common thing among Avoidants to hope that other people pick up your cues that you need space, versus being very direct. On the flip side of that, you would think us APs, who are so adept at taking the emotional temperature of the room ALL THE TIME, would be better st picking up on your cues that you need space. SO MUCH LEARNING! 😊😉 Doesn’t matter why. The few reasons I can think of are 1. Want to be mr nice but really doesn’t get that drawing boundaries IS a nice thing to do, 2. Doesn’t want to create conflict, 3. He wants to know and assess you as you are, without having to hide your true self, 4. He knows you will adjust to fit him and he doesn’t want that because he feels pressure from that, 5. He thinks that telling you otherwise is infringing on your autonomy and independence which he himself thinks is sacrilegious. This is what I’ve gathered from my DA. In any case, it’s not your problem. You either continue the way you want since he gave the green light (to which he doesn’t like it then that’s his problem, he’s got a mouth, but you need to be able to leave this rship if he leaves you) OR you simple accept you’re annoying and then scale that down by working on your own issues. Btw, DAs who do this fake green light move, it’s just as exhausting for us to have to be responsible for your energy levels. when you keep giving out verbal instructions that are contradictory to your behaviours, it simply undermines the relationship and your credibility and trustworthiness. It’s not that we are not sensitive to your cues, but you did say otherwise and we trust what you say. I do have to say that even though I have AP tendencies with my DA, I’ve realized that my relationship is probably on the milder levels than some of the stories I’ve read here.. so my perspective might be rather simplistic! |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 30, 2018 18:13:23 GMT
Friends generally don't have the same interest, attachment, intent that a partner does. It's easier to deal with friends because they don't want from you like a partner would. They can be kept at arm's length without a whole lot of emotional investment required on the avoidants part. The other side of this is it's selfish to be a partner and to only want to be in your partner's life on your terms and when you feel like it. It can also be selfish not being willing to be transparent and vulnerable. When someone is evasive, not making an effort to be with their partner, putting everyone including stranger's first, how could one not need reassurance except another avoidant or Jesus. People need to approach the middle vs. staying in extremes. I didn't need to be around my ex all the time. I did want a normal, communicative relationship that was respectful and considerate of my wants and needs. But seemingly innocuous things would trigger my exes thoughts that I was trying to control her. In reality, she was the one with the major control issues. me i agree, but i do see the anxious partner has a difficult time letting go of a relationship that doesn’t meet their needs and instead stays and blames the partner for problems? Acceptance seems to be a major sticking point. Acceptance of pain is really difficult, but you're right, Non-acceptance turns pain into suffering. It's every living beings instinct to get away from pain and It seems avoidants and AP's have different ways of trying to avoid suffering. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:16:24 GMT
Tgat, that gym friend sounds overly exhausting and frankly, a little tooooooo self preoccupied given he’s an acquaintance. I guess when these behaviors are also in a romantic relationship, that’s the tricky part - you can’t really just leave like we can the random gym friend. Technically you can, but it’s not that straightforward as we know it. Having to constantly reassure is very annoying indeed. It would be much nicer and comfortable to just BE in the relationship? Madame, I totally hear what you’re saying about giving the green light then blaming you for being draining. I’ve come to just ignore what he says about these things and basically just deal with him the way he does with me. I do not believe anymore what my DA says about “be yourself” and “you can do whatever you want”. It’s funny because I no longer trust anything he says, which destroys the relationship, and he doesn’t see that. Even if I’m not seeking reassurance e.g., I’m just complaining about my day or that annoying colleague of mine or some other daily mundane thing, he seems to view it as having to soothe and reassure me. I’m just telling you because you’re my partner. And part of being together for me is to simply listen to each other. So the problem for me is, if I’m having a terrible time (that’s unrelated to him), I only have very little space to vent so I hold it in to make it comfortable for him, but that drains me because the relationship is not safe for me - I get judged as needy and whiny about things that he thinks can just get solved without being emotional about it. I do sympathize, anxious, but i reallythat you and your partner sound outright incompatible. i really struggle with the idea of you being so unhappy in the relationship and, rather than accepting your differences or acknowledging that he just can’t meet your needs, you seem to be wanting him to change. Compromise is necessary and healthy in any relationship, but holding on to a relationship that hurts so bad is a choice. we all have stayed stuck in miserable relationships probably. I understand this very well, as i have just chosen to leave a relationship with someone i cared deeply about because we were incompatible, due to vastly different needs. It hurts, but to stay and hold out for change so that i could be happy just lost its appeal. Once i saw that the circular issues would not be resolved i had to make a sacrifice and get out. I don’t want him to change - he is the one who offered solutions when I brought up these incompatibilities and said I don’t think I’m able to do what you seem to actually really want, so it’s probably better if we end it. Which is why I asked in the other thread - do you take the solutions or leave it? I don’t fully trust it but If it’s genuine effort (of which I am also doing now), I think it’s only fair to give each other a chance? No? For me, I recognise that I might have had overly active AP tendencies of which I’m taking responsibilities for and working on now. If the problems are caused by me, and working on the issues will take away that, maybe the relationship can work. But if not, then I’ll leave, but I’m not leaving till I’ve done the work I can for myself and for the relationship. I’ve already taken the position that he’s not changing and if I don’t like it, then that’s just the way it is. I either accept it and live with it, or I get out and find someone else. APs will not deactivate until they have fully accepted this idea. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:21:13 GMT
I don’t want him to change - he is the one who offered solutions when I brought up these incompatibilities and said I don’t think I’m able to do what you seem to actually really want, so it’s probably better if we end it. Which is why I asked in the other thread - do you take the solutions or leave it? I don’t fully trust it but If it’s genuine effort (of which I am also doing now), I think it’s only fair to give each other a chance? No? For me, I recognise that I might have had overly active AP tendencies of which I’m taking responsibilities for and working on now. If the problems are caused by me, and working on the issues will take away that, maybe the relationship can work. But if not, then I’ll leave, but I’m not leaving till I’ve done the work I can for myself and for the relationship. I’ve already taken the position that he’s not changing and if I don’t like it, then that’s just the way it is. I either accept it and live with it, or I get out and find someone else. APs will not deactivate until they have fully accepted this idea. Gotcha! Then yes, i can definitely see that acceptance and clarity takes time. Maybe longer than it does for an avoidant. and it all depends on where one is on the spectrum of anxious or avoidant too. my tolerance for dysfunctional relating has gone down with increased awareness. I would have danced longer a long time ago but now, i feel secure enough to try, and be sincere, and if it isn’t working, try solutions, and if it is circular and destructive, let go. I don’t feel in bondage to situations that aren’t conducive to intimacy and growth and peace. |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 30, 2018 18:23:48 GMT
Tgat, that gym friend sounds overly exhausting and frankly, a little tooooooo self preoccupied given he’s an acquaintance. I guess when these behaviors are also in a romantic relationship, that’s the tricky part - you can’t really just leave like we can the random gym friend. Technically you can, but it’s not that straightforward as we know it. Having to constantly reassure is very annoying indeed. It would be much nicer and comfortable to just BE in the relationship? Madame, I totally hear what you’re saying about giving the green light then blaming you for being draining. I’ve come to just ignore what he says about these things and basically just deal with him the way he does with me. I do not believe anymore what my DA says about “be yourself” and “you can do whatever you want”. It’s funny because I no longer trust anything he says, which destroys the relationship, and he doesn’t see that. Even if I’m not seeking reassurance e.g., I’m just complaining about my day or that annoying colleague of mine or some other daily mundane thing, he seems to view it as having to soothe and reassure me. I’m just telling you because you’re my partner. And part of being together for me is to simply listen to each other. So the problem for me is, if I’m having a terrible time (that’s unrelated to him), I only have very little space to vent so I hold it in to make it comfortable for him, but that drains me because the relationship is not safe for me - I get judged as needy and whiny about things that he thinks can just get solved without being emotional about it. Hi Anxious, I agree with your last paragraph. A lot of the time I wasn't seeking reassurance, I simply wanted to tell my ex about a situation at work, or something silly in my day and often times he would never respond until the next day, or give me a curt response about being busy, so I would just back off. But his doing this over and over made me stop all together, then he would start reaching out over and over. It had to be on his terms only- when he felt like it, he would text all day, but for me, I could never do that. There were all of these unspoken rules he had. If I had just known what some of them were, I'd be happy to respect them. I literally felt like the rules changed daily and that I could never please him. Once he ignored me for a week, I texted him once or twice, then gave up and let him be. He came back as if nothing happened and did not address my last text asking if everything was ok. This was after months of texting daily. So, I get what you mean. Dude... seriously. Okay, we APs may have to move this to the AP forums, but the “ignoring your texts for several days (and I learned not to text a million... just like... a text or two a day) and then texting you a few days later as of you didn’t just ignore me for a few days” move? That’s something I never understood. And yes, it triggered me. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 30, 2018 18:24:34 GMT
Jeb describes DA's as having a higher regard for themselves than FA's. Do you believe this to be true?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:29:24 GMT
Jeb describes DA's as having a higher regard for themselves than FA's. Do you believe this to be true? i have no idea, i mean in my case i grew up with such abuse and neglect i had no positive feelings about myself for a long long time. I was dissociated from myself with PTSD as well. I had to go through a lot of healing to come to the place of self love i am at now. For a long time i just tried not to think about all that and just wanted to do my part and survive. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:33:40 GMT
I don’t want him to change - he is the one who offered solutions when I brought up these incompatibilities and said I don’t think I’m able to do what you seem to actually really want, so it’s probably better if we end it. Which is why I asked in the other thread - do you take the solutions or leave it? I don’t fully trust it but If it’s genuine effort (of which I am also doing now), I think it’s only fair to give each other a chance? No? For me, I recognise that I might have had overly active AP tendencies of which I’m taking responsibilities for and working on now. If the problems are caused by me, and working on the issues will take away that, maybe the relationship can work. But if not, then I’ll leave, but I’m not leaving till I’ve done the work I can for myself and for the relationship. I’ve already taken the position that he’s not changing and if I don’t like it, then that’s just the way it is. I either accept it and live with it, or I get out and find someone else. APs will not deactivate until they have fully accepted this idea. Gotcha! Then yes, i can definitely see that acceptance and clarity takes time. Maybe longer than it does for an avoidant. and it all depends on where one is on the spectrum of anxious or avoidant too. my tolerance for dysfunctional relating has gone down with increased awareness. I would have danced longer a long time ago but now, i feel secure enough to try, and be sincere, and if it isn’t working, try solutions, and if it is circular and destructive, let go. I don’t feel in bondage to situations that aren’t conducive to intimacy and growth and peace. Yes, I think my position is fair to myself and to him. I try to change what I can but if that still doesn’t fit me and/or him, I can be be without guilt and self- blame. Exactly what you said tgat, one must first not be bonded to suffering in order to work on the self. Otherwise you’ll just keep looping and staying in the same spot. I was looping for 2 weeks till my friends got tired of it. I don’t want to be an annoying person in general, and anything that makes me annoying, I want to cut it out. I have great clarity that I want to be an attractive and happy person that people are happy to be and when around. If simply being me is so draining to the love of my life, either I change me for the better to the extent I can do it or bye, find yourself some other Girlfriend who will tolerate your fake green lights. The one thing that I do want to do is to communicate better by expressing my thoughts and emotions more clearly and without blame and emotional drama. It might be seen by the DA as needy and difficult, but I explained that I don’t want problems to keep piling up and so I’m pointing it out now and resolving it as best as we can before the resentment sinks in. I think that’s what healthy relationships are like? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:33:46 GMT
if you were to ask me how i felt about myself before i really started healing i think i would have honestly answered “i don’t know.”
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:40:32 GMT
Gotcha! Then yes, i can definitely see that acceptance and clarity takes time. Maybe longer than it does for an avoidant. and it all depends on where one is on the spectrum of anxious or avoidant too. my tolerance for dysfunctional relating has gone down with increased awareness. I would have danced longer a long time ago but now, i feel secure enough to try, and be sincere, and if it isn’t working, try solutions, and if it is circular and destructive, let go. I don’t feel in bondage to situations that aren’t conducive to intimacy and growth and peace. Yes, I think my position is fair to myself and to him. I try to change what I can but if that still doesn’t fit me and/or him, I can be be without guilt and self- blame. Exactly what you said tgat, one must first not be bonded to suffering in order to work on the self. Otherwise you’ll just keep looping and staying in the same spot. I was looping for 2 weeks till my friends got tired of it. I don’t want to be an annoying person in general, and anything that makes me annoying, I want to cut it out. I have great clarity that I want to be an attractive and happy person that people are happy to be and when around. If simply being me is so draining to the love of my life, either I change me for the better to the extent I can do it or bye, find yourself some other Girlfriend who will tolerate your fake green lights. The one thing that I do want to do is to communicate better by expressing my thoughts and emotions more clearly and without blame and emotional drama. It might be seen by the DA as needy and difficult, but I explained that I don’t want problems to keep piling up and so I’m pointing it out now and resolving it as best as we can before the resentment sinks in. I think that’s what healthy relationships are like? annxious, it does sound balanced. live and let live and if we can live together, great! if not, regrettable but it is what it is and best wishes!  |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:43:17 GMT
Yes, I think my position is fair to myself and to him. I try to change what I can but if that still doesn’t fit me and/or him, I can be be without guilt and self- blame. Exactly what you said tgat, one must first not be bonded to suffering in order to work on the self. Otherwise you’ll just keep looping and staying in the same spot. I was looping for 2 weeks till my friends got tired of it. I don’t want to be an annoying person in general, and anything that makes me annoying, I want to cut it out. I have great clarity that I want to be an attractive and happy person that people are happy to be and when around. If simply being me is so draining to the love of my life, either I change me for the better to the extent I can do it or bye, find yourself some other Girlfriend who will tolerate your fake green lights. The one thing that I do want to do is to communicate better by expressing my thoughts and emotions more clearly and without blame and emotional drama. It might be seen by the DA as needy and difficult, but I explained that I don’t want problems to keep piling up and so I’m pointing it out now and resolving it as best as we can before the resentment sinks in. I think that’s what healthy relationships are like? annxious, it does sound balanced. live and let live and if we can live together, great! if not, regrettable but it is what it is and best wishes! I hope so - let’s hope I have the strength and wisdom to practice what I preach!!!! Haha. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:46:16 GMT
I hope so - let’s hope I have the strength and wisdom to practice what I preach!!!! Haha. may we all, anxious!!! posting and reading here is keeping it real for me, sometimes too real for my own comfort or complacency lol! I get new insight as we go also. But, i think that we have found some good support here, and some camaraderie around our commonalities. There is a good rapport developing that i would love to see continue and i am doing the best i can to contribute to it. It’s heavy stuff but we got this. I think! 😁 |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 30, 2018 19:46:41 GMT
if you were to ask me how i felt about myself before i really started healing i think i would have honestly answered “i don’t know.” Did you know you were unhappy? Seems like unawareness would be more peaceful? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 20:04:11 GMT
if you were to ask me how i felt about myself before i really started healing i think i would have honestly answered “i don’t know.” Did you know you were unhappy? Seems like unawareness would be more peaceful? i don’t think i knew happy or unhappy. that sounds weird. but i wasn’t peaceful. i would say i was confused and hurt and focused on survival but i had a very traumatic and complex backstory that is unusual. I have had 3 offers or requests to write my story because it is something like a movie. but i am not interested haha. i just like healing and having peace now. no, i was not at all peaceful. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 21:24:16 GMT
if you were to ask me how i felt about myself before i really started healing i think i would have honestly answered “i don’t know.” Did you know you were unhappy? Seems like unawareness would be more peaceful? wow this question really got me thinking. As a person very aware of myself, my feelings, my world NOW, it’s hard to grasp how disconnected i was. I remember discovering that i didn’t know what i liked, or didn’t like. i couldn’t figure out my own internal cues, or they weren’t there? It took me a while to decide what colors i like, that kind of stuff. now colors just speak to me and i like a lot of them but have favorites. I just saw everything as a little dull and equal when it came to my environment , except for nature. Nature was my one big love. I loved everything about it and understood it. I am going to stop talking because i think i sound weirds haha. But thank you for that question it’s interesting. |
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