|
|
Post by nyc718 on Nov 13, 2019 2:33:17 GMT
When my FA bf deactivates, I do nothing. I leave him alone, give him his space, go about my life. When he circles back around though, I don't necessarily respond right away, because I don't think that's a healthy dynamic either, which then causes him to get anxious. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If we get too close, he feels engulfed and withdraws. If I don't respond in a certain amount of time, he gets anxious. It's so stupid. I am just venting, thanks.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Nov 13, 2019 2:45:35 GMT
Talk about needs and expectations when it’s not a time of deactivation. Nothing will change if you look the other way and sweep things under the rug.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Nov 13, 2019 3:25:51 GMT
Talk about needs and expectations when it’s not a time of deactivation. Nothing will change if you look the other way and sweep things under the rug. I agree, but what do you say to a FA? Don't feel engulfed when we get close and feel like you need to withdraw? Don't feel anxious and feel like I'm abandoning you? I'm just not the expert at this. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Nov 13, 2019 4:52:20 GMT
Talk about needs and expectations when it’s not a time of deactivation. Nothing will change if you look the other way and sweep things under the rug. I agree, but what do you say to a FA? Don't feel engulfed when we get close and feel like you need to withdraw? Don't feel anxious and feel like I'm abandoning you? I'm just not the expert at this. You need to become an expert at fearlessly and directly communicating (still with gentleness, compassion and understanding, and at appropriate times when possible). And asking/listening–that is even more important than just telling someone your own needs, actually. You can get better at this stuff by reading about it and practicing it, even if it's not perfect and might be awkward at first. Lord knows I need a lot more practice, but it is improving fast. Those things you mentioned aren't needs, those are telling someone how to feel. It's a challenging journey to get in touch with your needs, figure out what they are and learn how to express them properly, if you are anything like me. One thing that's been helping me is to think about something I want and then distill it down to its root. Like on the surface I might think, "I want someone who never withdraws!" and then I ask myself why. The why (for me) is because I feel insecure and confused, like they might never come back, like they don't love me. So really what I need is to feel more secure, to believe that they will come back and to feel more loved. There are many different ways to accomplish those things, not all of which necessarily involve the other person stopping withdrawing. Maybe it could involve us communicating more, when they feel like withdrawing if they could tell me what was going on, ask for some space, define what that looks like and specify when they would be in touch next. Maybe I want to see some strong evidence of their commitment to the relationship (such as stating they are committed, having future plans). Maybe if sometimes they can't show me love in the languages of spending lots of quality time together or being physically affectionate, they can show me love–and I can see and receive it–in other ways. Maybe I can work on meeting some of my needs myself. Maybe we can come to compromises, rather than just me feeling resentful that my needs aren't being met and it coming out in indirect ways. Maybe most of all I need to be able to share my emotions and feel heard and cared for. What you need might be different, but I hope that this might be of a little help in figuring out what it might be? |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Nov 13, 2019 5:01:56 GMT
Like on the surface I might think, "I want someone who never withdraws!" and then I ask myself why. The why (for me) is because I feel insecure and confused, like they might never come back, like they don't love me. So really what I need is to feel more secure, to believe that they will come back and to feel more loved. There are many different ways to accomplish those things, not all of which necessarily involve the other person stopping withdrawing. This is an interesting point. I had a pretty stable long-term relationship long ago with a DA who would withdraw for about 10 days every 3 months or so. No warning. It triggered the crap out of me the first time. I said a lot of words to him about it when he came back. We talked about why he did things like that and what he was doing during that time. It was annoying to have no warning or communication but I understood what he was saying he needed and did believe him that it had nothing to do with me. And it happened several more times, and it was fine. Honestly not a contributing factor to why we broke up at all, since I didn't doubt that he loved me and I didn't feel like he was constantly and ambivalently one foot in, one foot out. We broke up a year and a half later because we had other incompatibilities, but it really wasn't so much about the attachment style conflict. But... normally I hate deactivation. However, it was consistent enough in this case and he otherwise seemed devoted to me that it was okay. (It was NOT okay with his next gf at all!) |
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Nov 13, 2019 12:18:07 GMT
Girl, I'm telling ya, go on a date. Go on a few!
Best thing I could have done for myself. Walking away from the hope in him and putting it back out there. Hope. Out there. If he gets ready hes going to have to win you back from someone else. Think crazier things could happen? Yea, he could be what you are craving and stop putting you through this shit bi monthly. Bi weekly. Whatever his thing is that season. I was focusing on him and not me. How dare I forget about me? Duh.
Do you for a bit. Positive things. New things. Anything.
You got thissss
|
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Nov 13, 2019 15:26:35 GMT
Girl, I'm telling ya, go on a date. Go on a few! Best thing I could have done for myself. Walking away from the hope in him and putting it back out there. Hope. Out there. If he gets ready hes going to have to win you back from someone else. Think crazier things could happen? Yea, he could be what you are craving and stop putting you through this shit bi monthly. Bi weekly. Whatever his thing is that season. I was focusing on him and not me. How dare I forget about me? Duh. Do you for a bit. Positive things. New things. Anything. You got thissss If I’m not mistaken (correct me if I’m wrong nyc718) this is nyc718 ‘s monogamous boyfriend of over a year, I don’t see how cheating (or just breaking up with him to date someone else, if that’s what you’re suggesting) is an appropriate or helpful reaction to him being a bad communicator about his need for space. If my partner didn’t feel like his needs were being met and instead of talking with me about it he just went on a date with someone else, I would be absolutely devastated and never speak to him again, I would certainly not be trying to “win him back” from the new person! |
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Nov 13, 2019 16:16:47 GMT
Girl, I'm telling ya, go on a date. Go on a few! Best thing I could have done for myself. Walking away from the hope in him and putting it back out there. Hope. Out there. If he gets ready hes going to have to win you back from someone else. Think crazier things could happen? Yea, he could be what you are craving and stop putting you through this shit bi monthly. Bi weekly. Whatever his thing is that season. I was focusing on him and not me. How dare I forget about me? Duh. Do you for a bit. Positive things. New things. Anything. You got thissss If I’m not mistaken (correct me if I’m wrong nyc718) this is nyc718 ‘s monogamous boyfriend of over a year, I don’t see how cheating (or just breaking up with him to date someone else, if that’s what you’re suggesting) is an appropriate or helpful reaction to him being a bad communicator about his need for space. If my partner didn’t feel like his needs were being met and instead of talking with me about it he just went on a date with someone else, I would be absolutely devastated and never speak to him again, I would certainly not be trying to “win him back” from the new person! Touche. But I think she's had a conversation with him about this. Perhaps not. I dont think that this relationship is excluse. I could be wrong. Certainly if exclusivity is on the table that changes things. A conversation should be had. But unless it's all different than I recall, I think dating should definitely be an option. |
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Nov 13, 2019 16:23:23 GMT
I agree, but what do you say to a FA? Don't feel engulfed when we get close and feel like you need to withdraw? Don't feel anxious and feel like I'm abandoning you? I'm just not the expert at this. You need to become an expert at fearlessly and directly communicating (still with gentleness, compassion and understanding, and at appropriate times when possible). And asking/listening–that is even more important than just telling someone your own needs, actually. You can get better at this stuff by reading about it and practicing it, even if it's not perfect and might be awkward at first. Lord knows I need a lot more practice, but it is improving fast. While I do want to be good at communicating the best way I can to him, I feel like there's a fine line between doing that and walking on eggshells. Because I love him and I do believe he loves me, I am willing to do my best to communicate what I want. Those things you mentioned aren't needs, those are telling someone how to feel. It's a challenging journey to get in touch with your needs, figure out what they are and learn how to express them properly, if you are anything like me. One thing that's been helping me is to think about something I want and then distill it down to its root. Like on the surface I might think, "I want someone who never withdraws!" and then I ask myself why. The why (for me) is because I feel insecure and confused, like they might never come back, like they don't love me. So really what I need is to feel more secure, to believe that they will come back and to feel more loved. There are many different ways to accomplish those things, not all of which necessarily involve the other person stopping withdrawing. Maybe it could involve us communicating more, when they feel like withdrawing if they could tell me what was going on, ask for some space, define what that looks like and specify when they would be in touch next. Maybe I want to see some strong evidence of their commitment to the relationship (such as stating they are committed, having future plans). Maybe if sometimes they can't show me love in the languages of spending lots of quality time together or being physically affectionate, they can show me love–and I can see and receive it–in other ways. Maybe I can work on meeting some of my needs myself. Maybe we can come to compromises, rather than just me feeling resentful that my needs aren't being met and it coming out in indirect ways. Maybe most of all I need to be able to share my emotions and feel heard and cared for. What you need might be different, but I hope that this might be of a little help in figuring out what it might be?
While I do want to be good at communicating the best way I can to him, I feel like there's a fine line between doing that and walking on eggshells. Because I love him and I do believe he loves me, I am willing to do my best to communicate what I want. Those things you mentioned aren't needs, those are telling someone how to feel.I guess I do want to try to communicate to him that what he is feeling is not necessarily what is happening, does that make sense? and I want to do that because it is affecting me and affecting us needlessly, I feel. He feels engulfed (subconsciously) but I am NOT trying to overtake his life, nor am I abandoning him when I don't reply right away, just like he isn't abandoning me if he withdraws. Now as far as the withdrawing, I can actually handle that now that I know what's up. BUT it DOES interfere with connection and building intimacy that would normally happen in a functioning relationship. so I don't think it's unreasonable to not want any of that. You need some time to yourself? Never a problem. You need some time because you're afraid of being engulfed or overtaken or otherwise afraid I mean anything malicious by trying to be close to you? NOT ok over the long haul. I do a lot of self care, so the only thing I really want is a partner and a companion, which I feel like I KIND of have. I do feel though, in terms of FAs, he's not as bad as some of what I've read, and I am really trying to focus on the good things of which there are many. I also feel like there really isn't a perfect relationship, and perhaps this is the imperfect relationship that I have and should be thankful for. I don't see it as settling, as I have dealt with far worse, and I honestly do not know any couples who do not each individually compromise in some way for their partner. I'm sure there are varying degrees of what anyone would tolerate in a relationship, but that really is up to the individuals involved in that particular relationship, no? So far, I can handle this withdrawing/circling pattern, as it seems to be shorter each time. I can't say I will forever be ok with it, and he may one day decide he just isn't interested at all for whatever reasons. Thank you for the suggestions though, I do appreciate your thoughts and input. |
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Nov 13, 2019 16:26:04 GMT
If I’m not mistaken (correct me if I’m wrong nyc718 ) this is nyc718 ‘s monogamous boyfriend of over a year, I don’t see how cheating (or just breaking up with him to date someone else, if that’s what you’re suggesting) is an appropriate or helpful reaction to him being a bad communicator about his need for space. If my partner didn’t feel like his needs were being met and instead of talking with me about it he just went on a date with someone else, I would be absolutely devastated and never speak to him again, I would certainly not be trying to “win him back” from the new person! Touche. But I think she's had a conversation with him about this. Perhaps not. I dont think that this relationship is excluse. I could be wrong. Certainly if exclusivity is on the table that changes things. A conversation should be had. But unless it's all different than I recall, I think dating should definitely be an option. We did agree to an exclusive relationship a while back, but I'm not going to lie and say that this cycle of withdrawing etc doesn't make me want to keep my options open. It doesn't make me feel safe! He is subconsciously sabotaging the relationship with all this, and it IS tiring. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Nov 13, 2019 18:15:16 GMT
You need some time because you're afraid of being engulfed or overtaken or otherwise afraid I mean anything malicious by trying to be close to you? NOT ok over the long haul. It's good to know you're not okay with it, but it's also not a conscious thing. I doubt he knows that's why he withdraws which is why he can't just ask for some space. My DA who withdrew in a pattern called me much later on when he had a new gf who couldn't handle his deactivation, and asked me to explain to him why he withdrew so he could have a better conversation with her about it. Since I was the only person he'd ever dated who ended up not going crazy about it, he figured I understood it whereas he actually did not. I didn't know about attachment at the time, but I explained why it was annoying but not ultimately a dealbreaker based on what he had said he was doing in those time periods and how I'd tied that understanding back to other things I knew about him. He then asked me if I could just tell her all that, because what I was saying resonated but he still didn't really understand it! I said uh, no. She's already insecure because you're withdrawing (and was jealous in general), having your ex talk to her about knowing you better than she does is going to just make her dump you, duh!! This is not deliberate or thought out behavior. |
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Nov 13, 2019 18:53:14 GMT
You need some time because you're afraid of being engulfed or overtaken or otherwise afraid I mean anything malicious by trying to be close to you? NOT ok over the long haul. It's good to know you're not okay with it, but it's also not a conscious thing. I doubt he knows that's why he withdraws which is why he can't just ask for some space. This is not deliberate or thought out behavior. I agree, hence my frustration with how to do you talk to an FA when they don't know? I've gotten replies of just have an honest conversation about your needs. Well, I CAN'T just have an honest conversation with anyone with some kind of unaware avoidant attachment! We haven't been in much touch, but I give him an A for effort, really. He has reached out to me the last two times, I responded, but I haven't nor do I want to initiate. I'm just feeling kind of drained by it. And I am sure he is not feeling good about what he feels is MY distance, sigh. |
|
|
|
Post by kittygirl on Nov 13, 2019 19:02:51 GMT
Along the lines of trying to have a conversation with someone who is unaware, when my FA partner was in one of his particularly open times, he was really going on about how he feels so lonely and then gets close to someone but when he does he gets scared and pulls away because he's "scared something bad will happen". when I asked what he meant, he was silent. So I really sympathize with you on this. Sometimes I wonder if he just feels an overwhelming sense of dread or panic and then tries to assign meaning to it later. I dunno. Since this is all happening subconsciously I wouldn't be surprised.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Nov 13, 2019 20:00:15 GMT
I agree, hence my frustration with how to do you talk to an FA when they don't know? I've gotten replies of just have an honest conversation about your needs. Well, I CAN'T just have an honest conversation with anyone with some kind of unaware avoidant attachment! You can, because you're just sharing your own needs about relationship compatibility. He'll listen. But you can't control how he will receive it or respond. My FA ex, who I've had extensive conversations with over the years while we were still seeing each other, never broke up or ran away because I'd expressed my needs. Even if he didn't want to have the conversation, as long as I wasn't triggered AP and was calm about it. He broke up with me when I told him I loved him, after it was an unsaid elephant for a year, and he decided that because he'd sexually withdrawn it must mean he didn't love me. Then he broke up with me again for the same reason a couple years later. Is he otherwise always around, never letting me go, acting like he loves me? Oh yes, even still years later. But I never totally scared him off by expressing my own needs. It was still all him fighting with himself. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Nov 13, 2019 20:33:28 GMT
Dysfunctional behaviour like this isn’t without risk. I deactivated and was so adamant that I couldn’t give her what she needed, that’s exactly what the lady did. She met someone. What could I do?
I think that a wake up call is reasonable, and I think it’s reasonable to mention it upon reconnection. I think your needs regarding consistency are reasonable. It’s FA behaviour that’s unreasonable.
|
|
