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Post by serenity on Nov 17, 2019 23:23:00 GMT
I agree with that, and sure relate to the feelings. A little child protects the image of their parent's perfection in their mind, to feel safe from the fear of death. That's a potent set of emotions and associations . It feels strange to me, what we project onto romantic figures; it makes no sense but it seems to be part of the human condition. Sometimes it helps me to consciously negate the thoughts directly `I am not going to die ' (when I set a boundary) `This person is not my parent' `I will survive' .. those sorts of things. The feeling of `I could die' is so powerful when it takes hold. I wonder too, if seeing the idealized partner as flawed is guarded against, because cracks in the fantasy could bring the whole thing down, which would be devastating. So they are protected in order to keep the entire hope intact? Yes, I think that's spot on. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 17, 2019 23:27:16 GMT
Interestingly, that’s where I get to with deactivation. It feels like I compromise, compromise, compromise with boundaries at all, then that mortal fear. I’ve followed that through and been married because I couldn’t stand up and say no, paralysed, sucking up that horrible fear because “I’m crazy”.
When I started this journey, it was like I stood up for myself for the first time in my life. That’s the flip side of deactivation. Still not quite functional, though.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 23:40:22 GMT
My crushing awareness of mortality comes from feeling attached. It makes me want to stay away from relationships, I have such a feeling of everything being so temporary and fragile. It's like my only solace is in going it alone, even with good friendships I am continually reminded that goodbye always comes. It's not a good feeling. It keeps me on the fringe if I let it.
Although, as I get farther along in this process that changes and I am relaxing more.
When I'm not attached or triggered I don't think about death, it's just not in my awareness. How odd, all of it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 23:52:43 GMT
My crushing awareness of mortality comes from feeling attached. It makes me want to stay away from relationships, I have such a feeling of everything being so temporary and fragile. It's like my only solace is in going it alone, even with good friendships I am continually reminded that goodbye always comes. It's not a good feeling. It keeps me on the fringe if I let it. Although, as I get farther along in this process that changes and I am relaxing more. When I'm not attached or triggered I don't think about death, it's just not in my awareness. How odd, all of it. I'm not even sure I expressed that right. It feels like if I get to a place of depending on someone, there is a mortal fear. But not about my death so much as the other person's. Like, I am resigned to maintaining myself as an island because everything is so uncertain. |
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Post by serenity on Nov 17, 2019 23:59:30 GMT
Thats a really interesting type of adaption/projection, and makes sense from a DA attachment perspective. Like having the ability to detach from vulnerable parts of self, and project those onto others?
I imagine ina lot of cases, this `fear of death' is whats happening on an emotional level only. Cognitively, many people may acknowledge a partners flaws and even see the situation with great clarity. But emotionally, the anxiety, panic, desperation wells up .
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Post by mrob on Nov 18, 2019 0:25:15 GMT
I don’t have a fear of death, as such. There’s something far worse than death and that’s a trapped life. People come and people go, and generally the more I eventually like them, they’re the ones that go. Sigh ...here come the bloody tears.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2019 0:29:43 GMT
Thats a really interesting type of adaption/projection, and makes sense from a DA attachment perspective. Like having the ability to detach from vulnerable parts of self, and project those onto others? I imagine ina lot of cases, this `fear of death' is whats happening on an emotional level only. Cognitively, many people may acknowledge a partners flaws and even see the situation with great clarity. But emotionally, the anxiety, panic, desperation wells up . Yeah, maybe that's it, I never saw it that way- what I've recognized is the extreme vulnerability around coming to need someone or have them as a constant in my life. But if I understand you correctly, you are saying that my own mortality, I project onto the other person... so it's not me who will die it is them, leaving me abandoned. I was unaware of all this until more recently- with awareness of attachment styles I've recognized the fear of being vulnerable. Before that, I just feel like my emotional life was a blob of avoidance. I've mostly been with men who became distressed at my withdrawal but I had no idea I was withdrawn. Lack of awareness. I just thought I was busy. Seriously. I didn't know I was avoiding anyone or anything. I was just doing stuff and thinking stuff. Learning about the 'one person psychology' of the avoidant adaptation has been so enlightening, making sense of my isolated way of life. When you don't know of other ways to be, your way seems normal and when things go bad it's confusing. I've never been with secure or even remotely healthy men, either. Looking back I can see that people who were at ease and engaged in me made me ultra uncomfortable. Of course, I didn't grow up being genuinely engaged with so I didn't know what all that entails or how to show up for it so I didn't. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 18, 2019 0:30:20 GMT
My crushing awareness of mortality comes from feeling attached. It makes me want to stay away from relationships, I have such a feeling of everything being so temporary and fragile. It's like my only solace is in going it alone, even with good friendships I am continually reminded that goodbye always comes. It's not a good feeling. It keeps me on the fringe if I let it. Although, as I get farther along in this process that changes and I am relaxing more. When I'm not attached or triggered I don't think about death, it's just not in my awareness. How odd, all of it. @inmourning - Your comments sound so much like my DA’s thoughts. He won’t even put up pictures at work or decorate his office with any personal effects bc he said you never know when it will end and he wants to be able to pick up and leave in a moment’s notice. And he has a job with contracted job security. Very much an overriding belief that nothing lasts forever or is stable. Life itself is seen as fragile- he says he’ll die young. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 18, 2019 0:31:46 GMT
I don’t have a fear of death, as such. There’s something far worse than death and that’s a trapped life. People come and people go, and generally the more I eventually like them, they’re the ones that go. Sigh ...here come the bloody tears. - So do you throw in the towel before they can leave you...bc you believe the end is coming? |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2019 0:32:05 GMT
I don’t have a fear of death, as such. There’s something far worse than death and that’s a trapped life. People come and people go, and generally the more I eventually like them, they’re the ones that go. Sigh ...here come the bloody tears. Mrob keep talking about this stuff it's good. Not to be controlling, lol. I just think it's good to talk about this stuff that makes us sad. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2019 0:37:49 GMT
My crushing awareness of mortality comes from feeling attached. It makes me want to stay away from relationships, I have such a feeling of everything being so temporary and fragile. It's like my only solace is in going it alone, even with good friendships I am continually reminded that goodbye always comes. It's not a good feeling. It keeps me on the fringe if I let it. Although, as I get farther along in this process that changes and I am relaxing more. When I'm not attached or triggered I don't think about death, it's just not in my awareness. How odd, all of it. @inmourning - Your comments sound so much like my DA’s thoughts. He won’t even put up pictures at work or decorate his office with any personal effects bc he said you never know when it will end and he wants to be able to pick up and leave in a moment’s notice. And he has a job with contracted job security. Very much an overriding belief that nothing lasts forever or is stable. Life itself is seen as fragile- he says he’ll die young. I don't keep mementos or sentimental things, and I have a very solid future orientation. My future always looks like me doing it by myself. If I'm in a relationship it's because I'll probably outlive them- so in my end game I always am solitary at the end. So, I guess in "acceptance" of that, I keep things at a distance. I don't think I'll die young. I don't see my life as fragile, oddly. I just seem to think that the world in general is unstable. So learning that the world is essentially safe and that life is better and easier with people close to me, interdependence, is a process and actually I'm relieved by it but I do have to step slowly. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2019 0:42:47 GMT
I don’t have a fear of death, as such. There’s something far worse than death and that’s a trapped life. People come and people go, and generally the more I eventually like them, they’re the ones that go. Sigh ...here come the bloody tears. I'm unable to even get to a point of being trapped... the preemptive distance "helps" with that, I guess.... if we look at it from our wounded point of view. |
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Post by nyc718 on Nov 18, 2019 1:50:19 GMT
You've mentioned that you would like to work your way out of this relationship, maybe if you take a look at the martyr article you will recognize things in yourself that others have pointed out. If not that's totally your business. However, there are a lot of people who read these threads and gain insight into themselves with the open discussions. I've learned a lot from reading different and challenging points of view, as have several members I interact with privately and on the boards. Great discussions have ensued when a post such as this one becomes challenging, people respond in various ways. It so happens that my participation here isn't directed toward figuring out another person. The focus on a dysfunctional partner is a well known trait of a dysfunctional partner, and that's a frequent topic of discussion itself here on the boards. What I had also mentioned was that I wanted to do my best to work with what I have, and I have done that, and no regrets. I have ended it with him, knowing that I have done all I could. That's the way I chose to handle it. It was the right way for ME, and I have complete peace about how I went about it. And I will disagree with your personal assessment that your participation isn't directed towards figuring a person out. You have made incorrect assumptions more than a few times regarding myself and others. Please stop deflecting from that point as the threads and posts are all there for everyone to see if they want to. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 18, 2019 3:54:12 GMT
I don’t have a fear of death, as such. There’s something far worse than death and that’s a trapped life. People come and people go, and generally the more I eventually like them, they’re the ones that go. Sigh ...here come the bloody tears. - So do you throw in the towel before they can leave you...bc you believe the end is coming? What happened in my second marriage was really disturbing. As we went on, and things were very real, I had the realisation that she was tolerating me with all my neuroses, I was in a position where I needed her. My whole life I've tried to never depend on anyone else. What did I do? I put distance in there by having an affair and pulling the chain on my marriage. I so wish I'd known about this stuff then, although I suspect it would have made no difference at all. I've had trouble with personalising the places I am, too. Keep everything in a bag. I could live from a suitcase quite happily, and pretty much did for a couple of years, although I do have a problem with holding onto stuff. My Nana is a DA (I think, anyway) and her house was always bereft of decoration. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 18, 2019 4:00:29 GMT
...and I'd like to say that because of the nature of this forum, we are talking about the things that animate us from the subconscious level, so when there are disagreements they will be very fuelled. It's not my place to ask, but I will, to please bear in mind that we're here because we're aren't perfect. Some more grievously wounded than others.
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