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Post by kittygirl on Nov 15, 2019 21:18:46 GMT
Along the lines of making plans well in advance (and maybe some unique insight?)...my FA partner is also horrible about it. So same story. When I asked him about it more specifically he said "The build up to seeing you is so difficult that I have to not think about it at all. Once we're together it's fine but the lead up is horrible". I think the negative thoughts go hogwild (at least for him) during this period. It's much easier for him if it's just spur of the moment so he doesn't have a chance to fixate on and allow the pain and fear to spiral. It was plans to see each other that spurred his most recent (and worst thus far) deactivation. He had to dissociate completely just to try to get through that part and was still unsuccessful.
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Post by nyc718 on Nov 15, 2019 21:51:13 GMT
Along the lines of making plans well in advance (and maybe some unique insight?)...my FA partner is also horrible about it. So same story. When I asked him about it more specifically he said "The build up to seeing you is so difficult that I have to not think about it at all. Once we're together it's fine but the lead up is horrible". I think the negative thoughts go hogwild (at least for him) during this period. It's much easier for him if it's just spur of the moment so he doesn't have a chance to fixate on and allow the pain and fear to spiral. It was plans to see each other that spurred his most recent (and worst thus far) deactivation. He had to dissociate completely just to try to get through that part and was still unsuccessful. Super interesting. What did he mean buildup? For me, it's I have a date on Friday at x time done. What was going on in his head otherwise? |
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jules
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Post by jules on Nov 16, 2019 2:09:40 GMT
On two separate occasions mine asked if I was counting.
So interesting. I suppose if counting is stating facts. It's been 17 days since we've hung out. What the heck. You live 20 mins away. Nobody's traveling. Let's get some freaking tacos it should not be that hard. Exhausting.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2019 2:33:54 GMT
Along the lines of making plans well in advance (and maybe some unique insight?)...my FA partner is also horrible about it. So same story. When I asked him about it more specifically he said "The build up to seeing you is so difficult that I have to not think about it at all. Once we're together it's fine but the lead up is horrible". I think the negative thoughts go hogwild (at least for him) during this period. It's much easier for him if it's just spur of the moment so he doesn't have a chance to fixate on and allow the pain and fear to spiral. It was plans to see each other that spurred his most recent (and worst thus far) deactivation. He had to dissociate completely just to try to get through that part and was still unsuccessful. - My DA is the same way w making plans in advance. He’ll say “I’ll see how tomorrow goes.” Sometimes I’m bold and say no matter how tomorrow goes you’ll have a better night if you see me!! Lol I don’t think it’s anxiety- not at all in a DA. They are stingy with resources- time being one of them. I think he doesn’t want to commit too bc it feels like pressure and he wants to avoid pressure and commitments. This coming from the guy who used to pursue me. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2019 2:36:56 GMT
Also, during our "what are we doing conversation?" what triggered him dismissive (for about ~10 min) was when I said I wanted to see him more and we only hung out once the month before. Which he got dismissive and said "are you counting?" followed by 10 minutes of some not great conversation, and I should've realized there to stop trying to talk about it until he settled down... but I didn't really understand/know at that point. One thing I learned in therapy was to stop the I "should haves". We all did what we knew to do at the time; there was no way we "should have" known anything better at the time. So please be kind to yourself. You actually didn't do anything wrong by pointing out you only saw each other one time in the last month! Are you counting? Well, dude, counting to one isn't that hard, sheesh! That really wasn't about you or what you "should've" realized, it was ALL about him and his triggers. - Great point about “should haves.” I need to embrace that, as well. And counting to one being easy! Lol Also great point!! |
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Post by serenity on Nov 16, 2019 22:03:02 GMT
I will say though his comment on counting made me consider and realize it’s better to look at quality than quantity (and all of our times were high quality) and that I was playing into the notion of others telling me we didn’t meet up enough - they thought we should’ve been doing 2x a week at that point. Every relationship is different... so it did make me think of it from another angle. But then again IMO it’s harder to have a relationship and get to know someone if you aren’t seeing them in person and talking with them. I need a lot of alone time but I still look forward to and enjoy hanging out with someone I’m into. Having those plans makes me feel more secure, happy, and less needing communication otherwise. Heya Caroline! Its interesting hearing what people say they prefer in terms of space. Is it unusual for couples to cohabitate in the US? Over here, your living standard generally significantly increases with cohabitation.. you get all the nice bits like daily connection, affection, love, care and someone to share life with. You can also live in a better place, not have to deal with flatmates and their random friends, your possessions feel safer, you can decorate the whole place together. 20 years of my adult life have been spent in cohabitation scenarios with loving men, and nothing beats it IMO. Might be different for the rich and people who own their own place though. The idea of a relationship where the best I could hope for is seeing someone once a month would be setting the bar very low for me personally. Maybe that's what your friends are saying when they suggest you could expect more from a relationship? That relationships can be so much more satisfying? |
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Post by dhali on Nov 16, 2019 22:31:37 GMT
If you’re on here, knowing your love interest is an FA, and knowing all the things, you are NOT a victim. You’re a willing participant and just as responsible for the behavior as the other person. I reading a lot of frustration, and I don’t get it. This isn’t new. Why is there a notion out there that things would be or could be different?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2019 23:50:41 GMT
If you’re on here, knowing your love interest is an FA, and knowing all the things, you are NOT a victim. You’re a willing participant and just as responsible for the behavior as the other person. I reading a lot of frustration, and I don’t get it. This isn’t new. Why is there a notion out there that things would be or could be different? Right?!? |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 0:18:09 GMT
It's painful when you try to change someone to meet your needs. Martyrdom. Not recommended. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 17, 2019 0:51:09 GMT
I will say though his comment on counting made me consider and realize it’s better to look at quality than quantity (and all of our times were high quality) and that I was playing into the notion of others telling me we didn’t meet up enough - they thought we should’ve been doing 2x a week at that point. Every relationship is different... so it did make me think of it from another angle. But then again IMO it’s harder to have a relationship and get to know someone if you aren’t seeing them in person and talking with them. I need a lot of alone time but I still look forward to and enjoy hanging out with someone I’m into. Having those plans makes me feel more secure, happy, and less needing communication otherwise. Heya Caroline! Its interesting hearing what people say they prefer in terms of space. Is it unusual for couples to cohabitate in the US? Over here, your living standard generally significantly increases with cohabitation.. you get all the nice bits like daily connection, affection, love, care and someone to share life with. You can also live in a better place, not have to deal with flatmates and their random friends, your possessions feel safer, you can decorate the whole place together. 20 years of my adult life have been spent in cohabitation scenarios with loving men, and nothing beats it IMO. Might be different for the rich and people who own their own place though. The idea of a relationship where the best I could hope for is seeing someone once a month would be setting the bar very low for me personally. Maybe that's what your friends are saying when they suggest you could expect more from a relationship? That relationships can be so much more satisfying? Aah, but over in our wide brown land, after 90 days of cohabitation, one is considered defacto and has access to all the joys of the Family Court and the ability to split assets. Not on my watch. No relationship is worth that. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 17, 2019 0:58:33 GMT
They do, but prenups don’t hold up well in court here.
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Post by nyc718 on Nov 17, 2019 1:28:14 GMT
If you’re on here, knowing your love interest is an FA, and knowing all the things, you are NOT a victim. You’re a willing participant and just as responsible for the behavior as the other person. I reading a lot of frustration, and I don’t get it. This isn’t new. Why is there a notion out there that things would be or could be different? Who is claiming to be a victim? |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 17, 2019 2:16:15 GMT
Aah, but over in our wide brown land, after 90 days of cohabitation, one is considered defacto and has access to all the joys of the Family Court and the ability to split assets. Not on my watch. No relationship is worth that. Wow, only 90 days is crazy. I know couples who cohabitated that long over summer break from university just to save money. And most broke up afterwards! |
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Post by mrob on Nov 17, 2019 2:56:09 GMT
I had it wrong..... I’ve just reread the rules, and it is in fact 2 years unless significant contributions have been made, and there is no lower limit in that case. Either party then has another two years to make a claim.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 17, 2019 3:36:45 GMT
I had it wrong..... I’ve just reread the rules, and it is in fact 2 years unless significant contributions have been made, and there is no lower limit in that case. Either party then has another two years to make a claim. - We have common law marriage in the US in the state I live in after a 10 year co-habitation. It varies by state. |
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