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Post by nyc718 on Nov 17, 2019 14:19:41 GMT
You are the other one , @inmourning or aka sherry who has misplaced anger and frustration that you misplace onto others. You yourself told me that I should take my post elsewhere for what I wanted when I first came on this board when I first misdiagnosed my FA as a DA. I have seen you attack others and be called out on it as well by others. And if you read properly, I said IF he didn't like it, I didn't say he has to leave. My posts seem to trigger him, and to that I say, skip my posts, although I did ask him to not reply to my posts or threads because nothing he says has actually been supportive or helpful, and neither have you for the most part. I also ask you to not reply to my posts or threads and I will also not reply to you. You have had it out for me since day one with the same pattern that I've seen you have with others. Feel free to ignore my posts, and I will do the same. OR you can stay and keep giving your unwanted advice. Up to you. You are a fine one to talk. You appear to get very triggered when people make comments that you don't like to hear. It's a forum. It's give and take. Deal with it and move on. If you don't like someone's comments. Then put them on the ignore button. Instead of trying to get the upper hand and trying to control them. It's not being triggered when inmourning aka Sherry attacked me and others as if the posts were about her, and was called out on that. I have ignored many, many replies by bother her and others. I am not trying to control anyone, but I am asking for respectful discourse, of which this person and another doesn't seem to want to engage in. I will continue to ignore replies, and I will also call out when I see fit or feel like it when someone is being hostile or otherwise displaying misplaced rage where it's not necessary. If you recall, the name of my thread was "just a vent. I was venting. Then someone decided I, along with others on this thread,were calling ourselves victims. I didn't appreciate that and said as much. Then inmourning decided she wanted to jump in. So that person you can also say was triggered at my post that he didn't want to hear, and he could also have put on the ignore button, but he didn't. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 14:21:55 GMT
The victim language isn’t hard to find on each page of this thread. I have not called any single individual out and there are multiple people it could refer to, so if you can’t find it, I’m not sure what the problem is. Others have. And it’s not subtle. Are you referring to what seems to be a martyr position? Here is an article on what seems to be playing out, with people here complaining about the inadequacies of their partners. It's just a perspective, some may find it enlightening, some may find it offensive. But it does seem to be a pattern of people focusing on the perceived shortcomings of another instead of dealing directly with their own unhealthy relationship habits. www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fearless-you/201307/are-you-relationship-martyr%3famp |
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Post by nyc718 on Nov 17, 2019 14:23:14 GMT
and if you change your name yet again, please give a head's up so I can block that too, thanks! When I returned to this forum under this moniker I wrote that clearly in the first line of my post. That's all the heads up you need. Clearly I missed it. Just curious, why do you keep changing your name? It makes it awful difficult for me as I am not here all day, every day to get the memo, especially if I am going to hide you. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 14:30:37 GMT
When I returned to this forum under this moniker I wrote that clearly in the first line of my post. That's all the heads up you need. Clearly I missed it. Just curious, why do you keep changing your name? It makes it awful difficult for me as I am not here all day, every day to get the memo, especially if I am going to hide you. Why don't you just ignore Sherry's comments and put her on ignore button and move on? The fact that you have to keep replying and asking controlling questions clearly shows you are clearly triggered. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 14:37:32 GMT
When I returned to this forum under this moniker I wrote that clearly in the first line of my post. That's all the heads up you need. Clearly I missed it. Just curious, why do you keep changing your name? It makes it awful difficult for me as I am not here all day, every day to get the memo, especially if I am going to hide you. I changed my name when I re-registered, the old account was no longer in existence. It reflected a grieving process I am in. And, you'll just have to handle your blocking or interactions however you can. Try to put it all in perspective. This is just a forum. No one has said anything to you worthy of this level of emotionality. Surely you've encountered conflict and disagreement in real life and not had to react as if someone is coming at you with an axe. Focus on the real source of discomfort in your life, which is apparently a relationship that causes you to question your pledge to fidelity. You have your own issues in real life causing you strong emotions- this reactivity from you is just a projection of all that. You probably can't express it all to him as he is unavailable to you- so you bring it here to vent. That's ok but there are people here who also see dysfunctional patterns playing out with you and are open to discussing it, for the benefit of others who are actually working on their own patterns. If you want pure emotional support without discussion of other things, there are support forums dedicated for that. That's where you posted inappropriately when you first got here. Those forums are designed for the support group feel that you're seeking. You can post in the AP support since you've admitted you're triggered that way by him, or perhaps the FA support forum. |
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Post by nyc718 on Nov 17, 2019 14:57:31 GMT
Clearly I missed it. Just curious, why do you keep changing your name? It makes it awful difficult for me as I am not here all day, every day to get the memo, especially if I am going to hide you. Why don't you just ignore Sherry's comments and put her on ignore button and move on? The fact that you have to keep replying and asking controlling questions clearly shows you are clearly triggered. What is your damage and how does this concern you? I first replied to her because I was new and I was confused what the hell her problem was. I am allowed to do that. And why are you jumping in on something that is between me and another specific person for whom we have had past interactions with? This doesn't involve you at all. |
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Post by nyc718 on Nov 17, 2019 15:09:21 GMT
Clearly I missed it. Just curious, why do you keep changing your name? It makes it awful difficult for me as I am not here all day, every day to get the memo, especially if I am going to hide you. I changed my name when I re-registered, the old account was no longer in existence. It reflected a grieving process I am in. And, you'll just have to handle your blocking or interactions however you can. Try to put it all in perspective. This is just a forum. No one has said anything to you worthy of this level of emotionality. Surely you've encountered conflict and disagreement in real life and not had to react as if someone is coming at you with an axe. Focus on the real source of discomfort in your life, which is apparently a relationship that causes you to question your pledge to fidelity. You have your own issues in real life causing you strong emotions- this reactivity from you is just a projection of all that. You probably can't express it all to him as he is unavailable to you- so you bring it here to vent. That's ok but there are people here who also see dysfunctional patterns playing out with you and are open to discussing it, for the benefit of others who are actually working on their own patterns. If you want pure emotional support without discussion of other things, there are support forums dedicated for that. That's where you posted inappropriately when you first got here. Those forums are designed for the support group feel that you're seeking. You can post in the AP support since you've admitted you're triggered that way by him, or perhaps the FA support forum. If this isn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is. You told me it's a discussion board so anything is permissible, Ok, cool. So it's ok when I tell you or someone else that your replies are hostile and condescending. Also, it's funny that you're going to tell me to put things in perspective when you're the one who went for the jugular not only on my posts, but others. I think you need to take your own advice. Perhaps do some of your own self reflecting on why you take posts that have nothing to do with you so personally, and then attack people when they call you out on it. Like I said elsewhere, this place has been very helpful to me, EVEN things that are hard to hear. What hasn't been helpful are the obnoxious and condescending remarks from you and another that have included veiled insults. You both need to do your own self reflection and look at your own triggers instead of telling me what mine are. I am working on me. I have a therapist who knows everything that I don't include here. I am here processing the things I need to and working on healing and having the healthiest relationship I can with myself and others. Stop analyzing me and do you. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 15:29:52 GMT
I changed my name when I re-registered, the old account was no longer in existence. It reflected a grieving process I am in. And, you'll just have to handle your blocking or interactions however you can. Try to put it all in perspective. This is just a forum. No one has said anything to you worthy of this level of emotionality. Surely you've encountered conflict and disagreement in real life and not had to react as if someone is coming at you with an axe. Focus on the real source of discomfort in your life, which is apparently a relationship that causes you to question your pledge to fidelity. You have your own issues in real life causing you strong emotions- this reactivity from you is just a projection of all that. You probably can't express it all to him as he is unavailable to you- so you bring it here to vent. That's ok but there are people here who also see dysfunctional patterns playing out with you and are open to discussing it, for the benefit of others who are actually working on their own patterns. If you want pure emotional support without discussion of other things, there are support forums dedicated for that. That's where you posted inappropriately when you first got here. Those forums are designed for the support group feel that you're seeking. You can post in the AP support since you've admitted you're triggered that way by him, or perhaps the FA support forum. If this isn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is. You told me it's a discussion board so anything is permissible, Ok, cool. So it's ok when I tell you or someone else that your replies are hostile and condescending. Also, it's funny that you're going to tell me to put things in perspective when you're the one who went for the jugular not only on my posts, but others. I think you need to take your own advice. Perhaps do some of your own self reflecting on why you take posts that have nothing to do with you so personally, and then attack people when they call you out on it. Like I said elsewhere, this place has been very helpful to me, EVEN things that are hard to hear. What hasn't been helpful are the obnoxious and condescending remarks from you and another that have included veiled insults. You both need to do your own self reflection and look at your own triggers instead of telling me what mine are. I am working on me. I have a therapist who knows everything that I don't include here. I am here processing the things I need to and working on healing and having the healthiest relationship I can with myself and others. Stop analyzing me and do you. You've mentioned that you would like to work your way out of this relationship, maybe if you take a look at the martyr article you will recognize things in yourself that others have pointed out. If not that's totally your business. However, there are a lot of people who read these threads and gain insight into themselves with the open discussions. I've learned a lot from reading different and challenging points of view, as have several members I interact with privately and on the boards. Great discussions have ensued when a post such as this one becomes challenging, people respond in various ways. It so happens that my participation here isn't directed toward figuring out another person. The focus on a dysfunctional partner is a well known trait of a dysfunctional partner, and that's a frequent topic of discussion itself here on the boards. |
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Post by dhali on Nov 17, 2019 18:17:05 GMT
Great article on the martyrdom. It’s informative for those who are open to it. And yes, that’s what I’m referring to. In have observed, of what I consider that behavior, on this forum.
Trn- I was only referencing this thread. I didn’t see any posts on here from you before my comment.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 18:59:16 GMT
Great article on the martyrdom. It’s informative for those who are open to it. And yes, that’s what I’m referring to. In have observed, of what I consider that behavior, on this forum. Trn- I was only referencing this thread. I didn’t see any posts on here from you before my comment. I think it's relevant information, for those who are open as well. I have seen a lot of it on the forum over time, along with other forms of codependency. It's part of the insecure dynamic. |
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Post by serenity on Nov 17, 2019 20:18:12 GMT
Aah, but over in our wide brown land, after 90 days of cohabitation, one is considered defacto and has access to all the joys of the Family Court and the ability to split assets. Not on my watch. No relationship is worth that. Hmm.. maybe it used to be 90 days? The laws in Qld changed an awful lot in recent years, I wonder if that may be the case in Vic too? I have a lot of sympathy if you've had to deal with the family court  I've had both friends and flatmates who were involved with financially abusive partners, who had to endure ongoing financial abuse for years because of family court rulings:( It really sucks. If you ever wished to cohabitate again (and it would be understandable if you did not) my Lawyer would probably advise you to make both a financial agreement and set up a trust for tax purposes and asset protection. It a lot clearer when there are not children involved. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 17, 2019 21:10:37 GMT
Great article on the martyrdom. It’s informative for those who are open to it. And yes, that’s what I’m referring to. In have observed, of what I consider that behavior, on this forum. Trn- I was only referencing this thread. I didn’t see any posts on here from you before my comment. I think it's relevant information, for those who are open as well. I have seen a lot of it on the forum over time, along with other forms of codependency. It's part of the insecure dynamic. It is a really good article and I have saved it for later....I tend to go the opposite direction and blame myself....which truly is not any better. My therapist and I are exploring why I feel so protective towards others...especially if I have felt hurt by them. She thinks that is why I feel a tightness in my throat and why I cry...because I don’t want to upset those that matter to me...so I stuff I choke back my anger. Anger=not ok. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 22:24:34 GMT
I think it's relevant information, for those who are open as well. I have seen a lot of it on the forum over time, along with other forms of codependency. It's part of the insecure dynamic. It is a really good article and I have saved it for later....I tend to go the opposite direction and blame myself....which truly is not any better. My therapist and I are exploring why I feel so protective towards others...especially if I have felt hurt by them. She thinks that is why I feel a tightness in my throat and why I cry...because I don’t want to upset those that matter to me...so I stuff I choke back my anger. Anger=not ok. It seems like all of us who grew up in unsafe environments, due to any kind of chronic instability and a lack of safety, end up with exaggerations of our best and/or worst traits. Your protective stance toward attachment figures whom you feel hurt by may just be the little one in you using what she has in her arsenal to try to bring her understanding of safety and order. You may have a trait of compassion that got supercharged and grew out of balance, just because loyalty to caregivers is kind of instinctive. I don't know, I'm just mulling that over in writing- may or may not be helpful. But we all have good traits that get distorted and grown to extremes with all this stuff- all in an attempt to make ourselves ok in what feels like and may truly be an unsafe environment. BTW, have you watched the video I posted in the general forum on safe vs unsafe people? That's been a good resource for me, to help make sense of my growing sense of ease in the safe relationship s I have versus the feeling of being ill at ease with unsafe people. It helped me identify what has been lacking in relationships I've had, really define it. It's a really helpful video, I think, for anyone who is unclear about what safe relationships look and feel like. |
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Post by serenity on Nov 17, 2019 23:07:34 GMT
I agree with that, and sure relate to the feelings. A little child protects the image of their parent's perfection in their mind, to feel safe from the fear of death. That's a potent set of emotions and associations .
It feels strange to me, what we project onto romantic figures; it makes no sense but it seems to be part of the human condition. Sometimes it helps me to consciously negate the thoughts directly `I am not going to die ' (when I set a boundary) `This person is not my parent' `I will survive' .. those sorts of things. The feeling of `I could die' is so powerful when it takes hold. Its never really gone away for me, even after decades. Every time i stand up for myself and walk away from a person who is harmful..every time i set a boundary..the feeling is still there. I do it anyway, suffer, but I survive. It does get easier with time, even if it hurts.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2019 23:14:53 GMT
I agree with that, and sure relate to the feelings. A little child protects the image of their parent's perfection in their mind, to feel safe from the fear of death. That's a potent set of emotions and associations . It feels strange to me, what we project onto romantic figures; it makes no sense but it seems to be part of the human condition. Sometimes it helps me to consciously negate the thoughts directly `I am not going to die ' (when I set a boundary) `This person is not my parent' `I will survive' .. those sorts of things. The feeling of `I could die' is so powerful when it takes hold. I wonder too, if seeing the idealized partner as flawed is guarded against, because cracks in the fantasy could bring the whole thing down, which would be devastating. So they are protected in order to keep the entire hope intact? |
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I've had both friends and flatmates who were involved with financially abusive partners, who had to endure ongoing financial abuse for years because of family court rulings:( It really sucks.
