Turn of events with ex last night

I don't believe that either partner needing to "take space" by being unavailable to the relationship for days or weeks is healthy or sustainable at all.  An exception in my opinion would be if there is a designated break to assess compatibility and identify problems and plans for resolution individually and as a couple.  My boyfriend and I have done that through mutual agreement but it was fully communicated and safe and.... productive.  We are closer now. 

Relationships, and people, need consistency for security and emotional safety.  If a partner just randomly needs to vacate and come back when they are ready they don't have the capacity for what a relationship requires.  In what other relationship can someone just take a time out? I think it's very destabilizing.

 A partner that tolerates periods of absence is likely to be insecure and not fully convinced of their own worthiness for consistency and reliability, as well.  

That's my take, at any rate.  Conflict happens but timely resolution and repair are crucial to maintaining the trust and stability of a relationship.  Stresses arise, but a couple committed to each other will turn to the relationship as well as their own internal reserves and coping mechanisms to handle stress- if that coping mechanism is to back away from the relationship they aren't ready for the relationship and have some healing to do.  

I understand but that's the two of you being insecure as hell together, and doing a completely dysfunctional thing with each other.  Both of you getting away with insecure, unavailable behavior.  Enabling each other, as I see it.  

Oh ok, I can understand.  But in the end it's negotiating something that isn't negotiable. That's my strong opinion- that being available to the relationship on the daily is the minimum requirement, and then how one shows up once actually present is a whole other topic. But the being there is the first requirement.  Like showing up to class, to work, to parenting, to any agreement you make with another human being.  Absenteeism in all those other areas doesn't cut it and neither does it cut it for a romantic relationship. 
What I learned with parenting in particular, is there are days when it's overwhelming, fraught with pain and confusion and feelings of inadequacy or not being capable.  Any parent will tell you that.  But there is no option to just sign out and leave.  Of course our partner is not our child, but truly, our partner deserves our showing up and FINDING the way through.  It's up to each of us as adults to recognize that on both sides and not try to work with absenteeism. Again, tolerating an absent partner is a sign of serious insecurity just as being an absentee partner is.  That, I believe, is what they call the Trap.  
At any rate; thanks for helping me see what you meant, I thought you might be implying that asking for the heads up around absenteeism is adequate but I find it to be settling for less than the basics of adult relating, and only the person settling for that can resolve that insecurity in themselves.  Also, I'll reiterate that it takes healing to move beyond this dynamic, in both people.  If someone isn't there than they aren't there and their relationships will reflect that.  

Side note: Because I'm ready, I'm aware, and I'm healing as an avoidant, the best support I can get from my partner at some points where I am unconsciously doing something that is maladaptive, is to have a firm NO from him around it.  I appreciate that he respects himself and has good boundaries! And he appreciates that in me as well. Neither of us intend harm to the other, nor do either of us accept harm.  We communicate about it, and improve areas where we each may be believing or behaving in old ways.  In no instance is it helpful to enable each other's insecure patterns.  But we are both on the same page with growing together. Without that conscious commitment it's a total shit show between insecures.  A secure person won't stick around for the shenanigans that happen in these (unaware, habitual, insecure) dynamics.

But that is the thing…I was always thinking…what would a secure person do….and I always thought it was the opposite of what I felt.  So, every time B would go silent and I was in a state of high alert….I would think, this wouldn’t bother a secure person…a secure person would know he is coming back.  This was my thought all the time so I kept trying to do what I thought a secure person would do….and would end up failing miserably.

At the end of the day, an unaware avoidant or an avoidant that is resistant to change, you can be secure, insecure, semi-secure, Jesus, Buddha, Allah or the Monkey God, IT WON'T WORK. They will still find something negative, latch onto it and use it as an excuse to break up.

Like I always said, avoidants are not "bad" people per se. However if you go beyond the line of comfort, they are not nice anymore and can get abusive. Alas, you can't treat people (friends, partners and relatives) anyhow you feel like it - you want them to come, they come, you don't feel like it, you kick them to the kerb. They're humans, not dogs or your slaves.

The very things a relationship needs to survive are the very things an avoidant is afraid of. How does a relationship survive like that? Its like trying to bake a cake without flour.

I say don't be so hard on yourself. No need to look inwards too much. When people shows you signs of an avoidant with their distancing behaviours, show them the door. 

Yes, most avoidants are not good relationship material as their coping strategies are those of isolation and lack of relationships. Our job is to figure that out within the first few months of dating; and if we see ourselves attaching to them despite the evidence, we need to figure out why we can’t walk away from something that’s clearly terrible for us. Blaming the avoidants for our own lack of self esteem is not the answer. And yes, Stockholm Syndrome is a thing and so is trauma bonding, etc. Yet as adults we have options, and we need to always own that.

So dullboat is right, and again, I don’t think he’s been resistant to introspection, I don’t understand that accusation. He’s done a lot of introspection through therapy. And my main point of confusion is, part of the introspective process, like I’ve said before, is the act of getting angry about all the mistreatment and how we thought a hopeless situation was hopeful.

Extreme avoidants, when they are threatened or triggered or whatever, irrationally, can be abusive. Perhaps it was just my ex and dullboats ex, But I can tell some war stories. First of all, going from hot to cold in and of itself is abusive. Second of all, they are verbally abusive when going cold. I have a feeling that your ex, B, was not as abusive as ours were. It has occurred to meI several times that you can be an avoidant with a higher awareness of decency or an avoidant with a tendency towards disrespect. Whatever it is, you have to understand that dullboat is saying that no matter what the anxious partner does, no matter how secure they’ve tried to become outside the confines of that relationship, it simply doesn’t matter and a relationship is hopeless unless the avoidant is willing to change. I do not understand what is so complicated or so offensive about this.

So I’d like to update everybody. I’ve had some more conversations with my ex DA. I even told him about the forum. I was very honest about what I went through when he left. I said that at minimum, very baseline, he would have to say “I am sorry for leaving last year. I shouldn’t have. It was wrong and I am sorry.” Same thing for not calling when I had COVID. For the first time he said unprompted,” if I knew you were feeling that way then I would have called.” He also apologized several times for leaving last year.

I don’t know, guys. I still love him, obviously, that doesn’t seem to change. I just don’t know if I like him, or if this is a safe situation, or if I can trust that he is committed to working on things. Right now he seems to want to change and do things differently. He seems to take more responsibility. He did a little last year too, but it clearly wasn’t enough. Now I guess he is further along in his journey so he sees things even more. Again, I don’t know if this his resolve is strong enough. He has said that he’d be ready to have kids after 6-12 months of hypothetical relational stability. I also would have to do things differently as well but he would have to let me know what his needs would be and help me to do that. We’d have to have different standards for eachother and it would have to be a different relationship. We both decided to make lists of what we would need to be different and what we need in general. This is also not because we’ve decided to go ahead with this, but just to open up communication and see if it’s even a good option. We also watched a few Thais Gibson videos together.

I have joked with him that his being an admitted extreme avoidant, but also wanting to change is making me feel like shouting “I got a live one!” to the avoidant/anxious community. It’s weird because I do get the feeling that his desire for having a family is propelling him to get real with himself.

As for my current relationship, I am not going to leave it unless i decide that it’s not going well independently of this situation with my ex, and/or I decide to move forward with reconciling with my ex. I am not making any moves,
I’m still assessing what I want to do. Having my current partner away is actually helping me get some clarity as I can be by myself and really meditate on what I want and need, which is not easy for me.

As for going to therapy with him, I’m not going to, and I don’t think he even sees that therapist anymore. He suggested couples therapy and I said id rather do a course or something together. The relationship therapist last year might have sucked for us, she probably would have been good for a less extreme relationship, but I think we overwhelmed her and she didn’t do the best things. We’d have to DIY this with courses, videos, trying to talk to each other, and maybe eventually a couples therapist. It would be a lot of work ahead. I am trying to assess whether that would be the right or wrong decision.

My first request to him in this weird stage is to text eachother, albeit super briefly, hello, good morning, I’m doing xyz, etc. once every other day. So I can have reassurance and continuity and some consistency. He agreed. Let’s see if he even does that.

As for whether this is healthy or not, I myself don’t think I can categorize it as one of the other. On one hand, I see how this would be absolutely crazy to entertain this idea of trying to make it work. On the other hand, people change on their own time and it seems like I was trying to control the timing of his relationship enlightenment, or something like that, because my biological clock was ticking. Which also makes sense. But now, what if he actually is ready to change? There is a part of me that feels completely calm and happy only when I am with him. I guess he feels this way as well. I don’t know… Can a dysfunctional relationship actually become functional?